1,000 Unforgettable Senior Moments

by Tom Friedman

  AT LEAST IT WASN’T ANOTHER TECHNICIAN

  In the early days of the space program, technicians who had the essential task of cleaning a rocket’s fuel tanks before a test flight suffered an embarrassing low-tech senior moment. Since even a speck of dirt could change a rocket’s flight pattern with catastrophic results, the technicians climbed into the fuel tank before each launch and cleaned every square inch. But this time, when they climbed out, the instruments monitoring the tank indicated there was still some contamination. There was nothing to do but start all over again, so they opened the hatch of the tank and began to climb down. That’s when they realized they had left the ladder inside.

  IPSO FACTO, INCORRECTO

  The 19th-century scientist, engineer, and professor Osborne Reynolds of the University of Manchester sometimes forgot he was scheduled to give a lecture. Once, after ten minutes had passed, his students, all too familiar with his absentmindedness, sent the janitor to fetch him. A few minutes later, Reynolds came tearing into the classroom. He took a textbook from the table, opened it at random, and seized upon one formula or another. He wrote the formula on the blackboard and announced it was wrong and that he would now prove his conclusion. Forgetting his students were there, he began mumbling to himself, until finally, without remembering to write down any proof at all, he triumphantly rubbed out the equation and exclaimed that it was, indeed, clearly incorrect.

  HEY, THAT’S MY TINKER BELL

  Were you missing something after your last flight—something you forgot to put your name and address on? Here’s your chance to buy unclaimed items that other people forgot. Just visit the Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scottsboro, Alabama. Each day the store stocks some 7,000 items that it buys mostly from airlines and railroads. They range from suits of armor and car engines to vacuum-packed frogs and a six-foot-tall papier-mâché Tinker Bell. A veritable monument to absentmindedness.

  REALLY, HE DESERVED AT LEAST A THOUSAND

  In 2012, a Taliban commander was seized by American troops in Afghanistan. Not at the end of a hard-fought battle, as you might expect, but in the middle of a senior moment. The impressively muddled commander, Mohammad Ashan, who was desperately short of money, had the great idea of collecting the reward for turning in . . . himself. After all, who else was better situated to cash in on his own notoriety? Ashan walked up to a U.S. Army checkpoint with a “wanted” poster offering a $100 reward for the capture of one Mohammad Ashan. According to The Washington Post, a soldier pointed to the photo on the poster and asked, “Is this you?” “Yes, yes, that’s me,” Ashan replied. “Can I get my reward now?” (The answer was no.)

  THIS IS GOING TO HURT MY PRACTICE

  A Greek physician named Aesclepiades, who practiced in Rome, was so sure of his medical skill that he swore he would stop being a physician if he ever became ill himself. His boast was never truly tested, however, because while still in good health he absentmindedly fell down a stairway and broke his neck.

  BUT HE COULD MOVE HERE IF HE WANTED, RIGHT?

  In 1962, nearly 50,000 voters in Connecticut wrote in Ted Kennedy’s name as their choice for U.S. Senator. They apparently forgot that Kennedy wasn’t actually running in Connecticut. He was running in Massachusetts.

  AND IT’S IRON LIEGE, BY A SENIOR MOMENT!

  Jockey Willie Shoemaker would have won the 1957 Kentucky Derby but for a world-class senior moment. Coming around the final turn, his horse, Gallant Man, was in the lead and no doubt would have stayed there if the veteran jockey, who had been in hundreds of races, had not forgotten where he was on the track. He mistook the 16th pole, the last one before the finish line, for the finish line itself and stood up in the stirrups in triumph. The horse behind him, Iron Liege, passed him and won the Derby. Shoemaker, one of the greatest jockeys of all time, was suspended for 15 days for his inexplicable lapse.

  SO THAT’S WHY THE PACKAGE WAS SO BULKY

  We’ve all had the experience of absentmindedly misaddressing a package. In 2014, NATO did this in spades when it shipped a Hellfire laser-guided missile full of highly sensitive technology to Cuba. Originally, the missile was sent to Spain for a training exercise, and afterward it was supposed to be shipped back to Florida on a military plane. But in a remarkably unfortunate senior moment, it was put on a commercial Air France flight bound for Havana instead. Luckily, the Cubans were very understanding, especially since the missile wasn’t armed, and sent it back without launching it.

  ACT NOW: TWO MIRACLES FOR THE PRICE OF NONE!

  When the celebrated British actress Ellen Terry was playing the blind princess Iolanthe in a play of the same name in 1880, she forgot that her character was blind—not once, but twice. First, she put out her hand to stop her costar from stepping on a bunch of flowers that she shouldn’t have been able to see. And then, making things worse, she cried out, “Look out for my lilies!” The second time, after Terry noticed that two of her fellow actors were desperately searching the floor for an amulet they dropped during a critical scene, her sight was miraculously restored for just enough time for her to stoop down, pick it up, and hand it over.

  HOW WELL HE FORGETS!

  Once, while on vacation, conductor Artur Rodzinski, the former director of the New York Philharmonic, was listening to the radio when he tuned in to an open-air concert shortly after it began. Fabien Sevitzky was going to conduct Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony, a specialty of Rodzinski’s. As Rodzinski listened with increasing appreciation, he turned to those who were with him and marveled, “How well he sustains that line! What excellent balance!” He admitted that he had clearly underestimated Sevitzky’s skill. But when the symphony ended, there was no applause, as expected, only the announcer’s explanation that the outdoor concert had been rained out and, instead, the station had played a recording of the symphony—conducted by Artur Rodzinski.

  DON’T GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME

  When the 18th-century vicar George Harvest had dinner at his friends’ homes, he had a habit of saying good-bye at the end of the evening and then, instead of going out the door, heading up his hosts’ stairs. He was often discovered sleeping in the wrong house. Most impressive of all, he left the same woman waiting at the altar twice. She was the daughter of the bishop of London, which may explain why the absentminded Harvest was posted to the village of Thames Ditton for the rest of his life.

  DID YOU NOTICE HOW SHABBY HIS HOUSE WAS?

  At the University of Königsberg, where mathematician David Hilbert taught in the late 19th century, it was a tradition for each new member of the faculty to make a formal call on the senior professors. When one new colleague called on Hilbert and his wife, the younger man sat down, put his top hat on the floor, and politely started a conversation. However, Hilbert’s mind was clearly elsewhere. After a while he picked up the other man’s hat, put it on his head, and led his wife out of their own house, saying to her, “My dear, I think we have delayed our good colleague enough.”

  AND WE BROUGHT BANDAGES, TOO!

  In 1960 the young Judi Dench was playing Shakespeare’s Juliet at the Old Vic Theatre in London. As she tells it, she was crouching over the lifeless body of her cousin Tybalt, crying out, “Where are my father and my mother, nurse?” when her actual father, a doctor, who was in the audience with her mother and apparently seized by a senior moment, stood up and announced, “Here we are, darling, in row H!”

  I DO ALL MY BEST THINKING IN FLANNEL

  Early one Sunday morning, the great 18th-century thinker Adam Smith wandered into his garden and began to ponder a deep philosophical question. Without paying any attention to where he was going, he opened his gate and began to walk along the street. He was brought to his senses only by the sound of church bells. People arriving for morning services were astonished by the sight of the eminent philosopher and economist wearing only his nightgown—twelve miles away from his home.

 
ALTHOUGH THE ONES I’M USED TO PLAYING FOR AREN’T USUALLY SO ALERT LOOKING

  Walking with a friend one day in New York, Fritz Kreisler, the Vienna-born violinist and composer, passed a large fish shop. Kreisler suddenly stopped, looked at the fish, and snapped out of a senior moment. “Heavens!” he exclaimed to his friend. “That reminds me. I should be playing at a concert!” The fish, arranged in rows, mouths open and eyes staring, had reminded him of a concert audience.

  I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE JUST GRABBED SOME SNACKS

  In 2009, two absentminded thieves had the bright idea of breaking into a Jersey City, New Jersey, grocery store to steal its ATM. Although they got away, the machine didn’t. When the police arrived, they found it lying in the middle of the street just outside the store. Apparently the robbers had put the machine in the back of their truck but forgotten about the electric cord that was still attached. When they drove off, the cord got stuck in the store door, pulling the ATM out the back of their truck. Their total haul? Zero. The purloined machine was still full of money.

  SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER OF MEMORY LAPSES—MISSION 4

  In 2004, a NASA probe was sent 900,000 miles from Earth to collect solar particles. With its mission accomplished, the Genesis spacecraft would re-enter the upper atmosphere, at which point its rapid deceleration would trigger the deployment of two parachutes. Then it would float back to terra firma. That, at least, was the plan. Instead, the capsule slammed into the Utah desert when the parachutes failed to open. It turns out the deceleration sensors failed to work, because someone had absentmindedly installed them upside down.

  WELL, IF THE SHOE FITS . . .

  The absentminded Russian composer Alexander Scriabin once arrived at a party wearing a pair of brand new boots. But when he returned home, he was wearing a pair of old boots instead, although he couldn’t remember putting them on. More astonishingly, the boots didn’t even match.

  SHOULD YOU NEED ANOTHER OPERATION, DON’T HESITATE TO COME BACK

  Two Norwegian doctors writing for the Canadian Medical Association Journal described the case of a young, ambitious 19th-century doctor in Norway who was finishing up a year as the assistant of a renowned surgeon. It was the custom then to have little communication with such an important man, even though they had worked side by side. As the young doctor prepared to leave his assistantship, he arranged with the head nurse for a moment to speak to the surgeon. He then thanked the great man for the time he had spent in the department and bid him goodbye. The surgeon peered over his glasses and replied, “Thank you. I hope you have fully recovered and are satisfied with the treatment you received.”

  AND GAVE HIM THE NAME “WHITE MAN WITH HEAD IN CLOUDS”

  Thomas Nuttall, a pioneer 19th-century botanist, was known almost as much for his absentmindedness as for his brilliant field work along the Missouri River and in the Pacific Northwest. He had a great talent for wandering away from the rest of the group and getting lost, forcing his colleagues to light beacons to help him find his way back to camp. One night he didn’t return at all, and a search party was sent out. But Nuttall assumed the searchers were Indians and ran away, getting even more lost. His annoyed colleagues pursued him for three days, until he accidentally wandered back into camp. Another time Nuttall got so lost, he wandered around for hours until he could walk no more and lay down in exhaustion. Fortunately a passing Indian took pity on him, brought him three miles to the nearest river, and paddled him home in a canoe.

  AND YOU MIGHT ADD MY MEMORY TO THAT LIST, TOO

  When 19th-century Anglican archbishop Richard Chenevix Trench retired from the post of Dean of Christ Church in Dublin, he spent his last two years in London. On returning to visit his successor, Lord Plunkett, in Dublin, Trench’s memory lapsed and he forgot that he was no longer the host, remarking to his wife during dinner, “I’m afraid, my love, that we must put this cook down among our failures.”

  ON SECOND THOUGHT, I’LL SIT DOWN AND BE ASHAMED

  On Disability Day in Texas, Gib Lewis, the Speaker of the State House of Representatives from 1983 to 1992, called out to a group of people in wheelchairs, “And now, will y’all stand and be recognized?”

  TENNYSON, ANYONE?

  One day the Reverend George Clayton Tennyson, the father of the great poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson, went to visit a parishioner. When a servant answered the door and asked who was calling, Tennyson’s mind went blank, and he found to his surprise that, for a few moments, at least, he couldn’t summon up his own name. Distraught, he started to walk away, until a village tradesman smiled at him and said, “Good day to you, Dr. Tennyson.” “By God, my man,” Tennyson replied excitedly, “you’re right!”

  A GRAVE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

  An absentminded doctor had just pronounced a man dead in Pecaya, Venezuela, but when the first shovelfuls of earth were being flung into the man’s grave, the unconscious victim, who had suffered a nonfatal heart attack, came to, pushed open the lid of his coffin, and scrambled out of the hole, screaming and cursing. Sadly, his mother-in-law, who was standing by the side of the grave, promptly dropped dead of shock. She was then buried in the grave intended for her son-in-law, after other doctors made sure she was really, really dead.

  AT LEAST I DIDN’T LEAVE MY WALLET IN THE BACKSEAT

  Even the celebrated cellist Yo-Yo Ma, who has memorized hundreds of musical compositions, has been laid low by senior moments, none more nearly disastrous than when he left his $2.5 million cello in a taxi after a Carnegie Hall concert. When it was recovered, he was asked how he could have forgotten something so precious. “Practice,” he replied.

  YOUR NOSE LOOKS ESPECIALLY UNFAMILIAR

  The Reverend William Spooner, the dean of New College at Oxford University starting in 1876 and namesake of “spoonerisms,” once ran into an old acquaintance. “Good evening, Dr. Spooner,” the man said. “I don’t suppose you remember me.” Spooner looked at him for a moment and replied, “On the contrary, I remember your name perfectly, but I’ve completely forgotten your face.”

  Thank Goodness THEY DON’T HAVE LONG-RANGE MISSILES

  In 2009, a BBC Radio Five newsreader mistakenly announced that an illegal underground nuclear test had been carried out by, of all places, North Yorkshire, England, instead of the real culprit, North Korea. Further compounding the senior moment, the newsreader added, “There has been widespread condemnation of North Yorkshire’s decision . . . The UN secretary, Ban Ki-Moon, says he is deeply worried.” A spokesman for BBC Radio Five tried to make the best of a bad situation when he pointed out that just as there were tensions between North and South Korea, there was “the occasional tension between North and South Yorkshire.”

  WHY, WE COULD USE ONE JUST LIKE IT IN OUR NEW FILM!

  While discussing the score of a new MGM film, Samuel Goldwyn, a great admirer of Cole Porter, told everyone working on the production that they needed a song like “Night and Day.” Soon thereafter, the studio chief visited the home of one of his associates, where the song was playing on the phonograph. “What tune is that?” asked Goldwyn.

  AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE MIGHT BE NICE, TOO

  In 1948, when the host of a radio station in Washington, D.C., asked foreign ambassadors what they would like for Christmas, one of them forgot the first rule of diplomacy: Always stay on message. The French ambassador remembered. He said gravely, “Peace throughout the world.” The Russian ambassador remembered, too, and gave a very Soviet answer. He said, “Freedom for all people enslaved by imperialism.” But the British ambassador, Sir Oliver Franks, must have thought he was at home and off duty. “Well, it’s very kind of you to ask,” he said. “I’d quite like a box of crystallized fruit.”

  AND YOUR BUTTOCKS WILL SOON BE DEAD!

  American actor Osgood Perkins was appearing in a play in which he had to stab another actor with a knife. One day, however, the prop
man forgot to put the weapon on the table. Thinking fast to spare both the absentminded prop man and himself embarrassment, Perkins kicked the other actor in the rear. As the man fell down, Perkins announced to the audience, “Fortunately, the toe of my boot was poisoned!”

  FORTUNATELY, THE X-RAY OF THE SCREWDRIVER WAS NEGATIVE

  In Cannes, France, doctors were stunned when an X-ray of a man who was having headaches revealed a 7-inch-long screwdriver in his head! What kind of terrible accident could account for such a thing? How could the patient have survived? It was soon discovered, however, that the screwdriver was not in the man’s head after all, but in the X-ray machine. A technician had left it there and forgotten all about it.

  THE FIFTH ANNUAL G. K. CHESTERTON AWARD FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS GOES TO . . . G. K. CHESTERTON!

  On one occasion, writer G. K. Chesterton was heading off to make a speech when he suffered a senior moment sufficient to force him off the train to telegraph his wife: “Am in Market Harborough. Where ought I be?” She wired back: “Home.”

  SO THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BAD PUBLICITY

  When the state of Rhode Island came up with a new slogan in 2016 to boost tourism, the best it could do was “Rhode Island: Cooler and Warmer.” It confused everyone, and became the subject of countless jokes on social media (“Dumb and Dumber,” anyone?). But then came the video that accompanied the $5 million publicity campaign. Absentminded (but highly paid) marketers included a scene that was shot not in Rhode Island, but in Iceland, and featured restaurants located in Massachusetts, Rhode Island’s nearest and fiercest competitor for tourist dollars.