If You Could Only Feel (Buchanan Brothers Series Book 3)

by M. E. Clayton

  And. I. Saw. Red.

  “Gabriel,” she gasped. “What on earth are you doing here?”

  Her question pissed me off, but the fact she had shut and locked the door behind her calmed me a bit. She was alone and the relief sliding down my spine was tangible.

  “Where the fuck have you been?” I snapped, ignoring her question. “And why in the fuck are you dressed like you’re trolling for dick?”

  Justice’s eyes widened and then narrowed as my words sunk in. She stormed across her living room, threw her purse on the couch, and marched right up to me.

  She placed her hands on her hips and fumed, “Excuse me?”

  I peered down at her. “Answer me, goddamn it!”

  She leaned back, and I swear to God, scoffed in my face. “None of your goddamn business, Gabriel,” she snapped. “I don’t answer to you. Or have you conveniently forgotten that little fact?”

  Never mind earlier about seeing red. That had been a mild pinkish hue.

  Now this?

  This right now?

  This was seeing motherfucking red!

  I snatched her up by her arm and yanked her towards me. She was drunk and unsteady on her heels, so she fell into me easily. “Care to repeat that?” I growled in barely controlled anger.

  I don’t know if it was liquid courage or outright disregard for her safety, but she didn’t back down, even though my rage was evident all over my face. “I do not answer to you, Gabriel,” she repeated. “We’re friends at the best of times, so don’t go thinking you have any say over my life outside having your dick out.”

  I dropped my hand from her arm and took two giant steps away from her. Anger unlike anything I have ever felt was simmering in the core of my being and snaking out to consume every part of my body. The only thing I could hope for was that she was drunk off her ass, because if she wasn’t…

  If she wasn’t, this wasn’t good. For me.

  I took a couple of deep breaths before I trusted myself to speak. “What were you doing tonight?”

  Justice lifted her chin, but I could see the tremor in her bottom lip. She pulled her shoulders back and straightened her spine before saying, “Enjoying a girls’ night out with Beatrice.”

  “Is that all?” I asked. “Just a night of innocent drinking and drunken gossiping?”

  Her eyes shot sideways and the avoidance in her gaze was like a punch in the gut, and I knew her next words were going to gut me. “It…it started out that way, but…” she trailed off.

  “Look at me, Justice.” When she didn’t comply, I made it clear it wasn’t a request. “I said fucking look at me!” Her blue eyes found my greens ones again and I asked, “But then what?”

  She was struggling to get the words out, but when she did, it took me a second to process what she was saying because…

  “I ended up meeting a really nice guy named Nathaniel and we have a date tomorrow night.”

  What the actual fuck?

  She met a nice guy named Nathaniel, and they were going on a date tomorrow night?

  She met a fucking asshole named Nathaniel, and she was going out on a fucking date with him?

  Jealousy was burning me from the inside out. It felt like acid was flowing through my veins, corroding my ability to feel. I didn’t want to do it, but I asked the one question I didn’t really want the answer to. “And how many other guys have you dated since we’ve been together?”

  Her reply floored me.

  Justice started laughing, and it wasn’t a happy, joyful laugh. No. It sounded bitter and cold to my ears. It sounded sad. “Since we’ve been together?” she asked incredulously. She shook her head, and I’d never see her look so despondent. “We’re not together, Gabriel,” she stated solemnly. “Hell, we’re not even friends with benefits,” she went on. “We fuck, Gabe. We fuck at your convenience and when you’re in the mood for comfortable pussy and don’t want to put in work for someone different. What the fuck do you care how many other guys I’ve dated?”

  There were too many emotions battling inside my body for me to be able to identify one and hold on to it. There were so many things wrong with what she just said, I didn’t know where to start. I decided to go with the one thing I wanted to know the most. “Are you going to really go out on a date tomorrow night?”

  She shook her head and said the one thing I never thought I’d hear from her. “I think you should go, Gabriel,” she said, quietly. “I know it’s rather late, but I’m sure you could find a hotel room or something. Even go stay at your parents, maybe.”

  My head fell back and the hollow laugh that rumbled from my throat echoed throughout the room. I looked back over at her and I couldn’t believe this was happening. “Because of Nathaniel?”

  “Yes,” she answered.

  Wow.

  And the hits just keep on coming.

  I wanted to tear the place apart, but instead, I asked, “You’re kicking me out for a guy you just met tonight? Seriously, Justice?”

  I could see the fight leave her, and I wasn’t sure which version of Drunk Justice I liked least. We’ve never fought before and I wasn’t really sure how to go about fixing this when all I wanted to do was piss a circle around her, warding off any competition.

  She walked over to the couch, dropped down, and looking up at me said, “No. I’m not asking you to leave for a guy I just met, Gabriel. I’m asking you to leave for a chance to date a guy who could turn out to be The One, you know?”

  No.

  No, I didn’t know.

  Chapter 5

  Justice~

  Gabriel didn’t say anything. He just stood there looking at me like a snake coiled and ready to strike.

  I had been so surprised to see him standing in my living room; the shock had almost instantly killed my buzz. I hadn’t been expecting him. I never thought he’d care enough to show up here and wait on me.

  I finally couldn’t take it anymore. His green gaze was tearing through me like my words had put all my fears in technicolor for him to see. I propped my elbows on my knees and dropped my head in my hands. I was so absorbed in my confused heartbreak; I hadn’t heard Gabriel making his way across the living room to stand in front of me.

  I gasped when I felt his hands on my shoulders and he was lifting me onto my feet. Before I could process what he was about, Gabriel snaked a hand behind my neck and tangled my hair around his fist and yanked. His other hand went to my left hip and dug in.

  I hissed from the pain at my hip and scalp, but I didn’t tell him to let go. I actually wanted him to hold on tighter. I wanted him to never let go.

  I wanted Gabriel to want me. I just wanted him to love me more.

  His green eyes were burning through me. “The One, huh?” He didn’t let me answer. “The One to what exactly, Justice?” Again, he didn’t let me answer. “Because I’m the one who knows exactly where to touch you to make you come undone. I’m the one who knows exactly how many times you can cum from my tongue before you start begging for my cock. I’m the one who knows how to pinch those pretty, pink nipples hard enough to make you flood your panties.” Gabriel’s hold tightened with each recount of his knowledge of me and my body. “I’m the one who knows that you can swallow nine inches of dick and not gag. I’m the one who’s memorized every fold of that sweet, tight pussy of yours.”

  “Gabriel…” He was killing me, and I could feel my body catching on fucking fire for him.

  “And, I swear to God, I better be the only one who knows how good you ride a cock. Don’t forget, Justice, I’m the one who was covered in your blood the first time you ever opened your legs up for cock and I pushed into pussy.” I gasped at his recount of when we lost our virginities to one another. “I’m the one who still slides into you, even now, when you’re a bloody mess.”

  I couldn’t stop the color blooming in my cheeks. Gabriel had no restrictions in the bedroom. Over the years, he’s entered me plenty of times while I was on my period.

  “Gabriel, pl
ease…” I’m not sure what I was pleading for, but I knew whatever it was, it revolved around him.

  Gabriel leaned down and growled in my ear, “And I’m the one who knows just how wet you get when you have a nice, thick, hard cock up your ass, too, baby.” I whimpered and thoughts of Nathaniel and my hope for The One were gone.

  All that mattered was Gabriel.

  And how I was so pathetic.

  He pulled back, so he was looking into my eyes again, and in a voice that could freeze the bowels of Hell, he said, “And, so help me God, Justice, there better had not have been any other men...”

  I wanted to scream at him.

  I wanted to scream NO! There’s only you! But I didn’t.

  I just answered him honestly, “There’s only been you.”

  “And tonight…Nathaniel? Did you let him touch you?”

  I shook my head. “No,” I whispered.

  Something in his eyes misfired, like the idea of another man touching me was enough to trigger a touch of insanity. The next thing I knew, Gabriel pushed me over the arm of the couch. My face was in the throw pillows that decorated the couch and my ass was up in the air presented to him for the taking.

  My scattered thoughts were barely staring to settle when I felt Gabriel hands pushing my skirt up over my hips and yanking my black lace panties clean off my body. God, yes! I kept trying to remember all the reasons I was going to cut him out of my life, but I couldn’t think when he had his hands on me.

  With an almost desperate need, Gabriel slammed into me and my scream bounced off the apartment walls. His hand dug into the flesh of my hips and he rammed into me as if his life depended on it.

  He gave me no time to adjust to his size, and the invasion felt all-consuming. Thank God my body had been turned on and ready or else he would have torn me apart for sure. Even as slicked up as I was, taking Gabriel was always a challenge.

  I straightened my arms, and propping my weight onto my flatten palms, I held myself up and let Gabriel own me from behind. His thrusts were pulling the most pornographic moans from my throat, but they were drowned out by his words of possessiveness.

  But even through the haze of raw, sexual desire, my heart felt heavy, and I still felt sad and pathetic. And the more Gabriel drilled himself into my body, the more my heart ached at knowing that the odds of me finding this kind of passion with someone else were slim to none.

  Gabriel’s been my everything since I was 15 years old. I was such an insecure, trailer park nobody that it took Gabe a year to convince me he really wanted me. Even becoming friends had been difficult for me because I couldn’t understand why Gabriel Buchanan would want to be my friend.

  We remained close during our junior and senior years of school, but once he went off to college, he hadn’t come home often, and we started to drift apart. The phone calls were few and far between because we never had that kind of relationship to where we spoke on the phone. I’d gone on to get a job, and I did my best to not think about what he was doing and who he was meeting in college. I didn’t want to face a truth that would probably cut me.

  But, four years later, it was time to grow up, and this moment here, was likely going to be the last time I’d ever be with Gabriel.

  The weight of sadness was almost enough to make me cry even though Gabe was slamming into me so hard, it was painful.

  My head was yanked backwards as Gabriel dug his hand into my hair and pulled on my scalp. My body was bowed as he had one hand on my hip, holding me in place against the couch, and the other was pulling my head back.

  Gabriel leaned over me and his breath was like hot fire on my ear. “Do you honestly think Nathaniel’s going to be able to give you this, Justice?” he growled as he said Nathaniel’s name with a sneer. “You’ve been taking my dick for six fucking years, and suddenly, it’s not good enough anymore?”

  I thought my heart was already broken, but apparently not, because Gabriel’s words pushed the pain around harder. This wasn’t about sex, but of course, he would think so, because that’s all this has ever been for him. Even when he was reciting how he was ‘The One’, it had all centered around all the sexual things he’s done to me over the years.

  “Gabe…” I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or my emotional turmoil, but I felt like I needed to say something, but I had no idea what it was I wanted to say.

  What I did know was that, no matter how skilled Gabriel was or how big his dick was, I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to enjoy what he was doing. I wasn’t going to orgasm, and it’d be the first time in six years that Gabriel wouldn’t be able to make me cum. And I think he knew it because his movements became more fanatical and his words harsher. Crueler. Meaner.

  “What?” he asked. “I can’t even make you cum anymore?” Historically by now, I would have cum at least twice. Gabriel never failed to deliver, and I was always so desperate for his attentions, my excitement when we did get together, always had me detonating almost instantly. “Are you so excited about your date with Nathaniel a nine-inch cock can’t even get you off anymore?”

  My hands fisted around the pillows on the couch and I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped. The harder he fucked me, the more heartbroken I became. “Ga-”

  Gabriel let go of my hair and grabbed onto both my hips and the force of his thrusts were enough to make me scream out. I wanted to beg him to stop, but I knew if I did, he would immediately pull himself from my body and I couldn’t bear that right now. If this was the last time I would be with Gabriel, I wanted him to at least finish. Stupid, sad and pathetic, I know.

  His roar echoed throughout the room as he dug his fingers into my flesh, holding me still, as he came inside me. Normally, this is the part that turned me on the most, but this time, it just brought on more heartache.

  After a few excruciating seconds, Gabriel pulled out of me and stepped away. I stood up and did my best to support myself on my shaky legs, but I had to place a hand on the back of the couch to steady myself, as I heard Gabe zipping up his pants.

  I finally found the courage to look up at Gabriel and I instantly wish I hadn’t. He looked murderous. His green eyes burned like the fires of Hell and his face looked like, out of all the people in the world, he hated me the most. “Gabr-”

  He held his hand up to silence me, and without sparing me a second glance, stormed across the room and slammed the door behind him.

  Chapter 6

  Gabriel~

  The hourlong drive back home had to be the most excruciating hour of my life. I wasn’t safe from anything. Any song that came on, either fueled my anger, or depressed the hell out of me. If I turned off the radio, then the silence had my mind so worked up by its thoughts, I was ready to turn my car around and commit murder.

  I pulled up to Michael’s, not caring it was past four in the morning. I had a key to his condo, so I could let myself in without waking him. However, I had every intention of waking him. I needed to talk to someone before I ended up on the six o’clock news for murdering Nathaniel.

  I parked my car in the building’s garage. Michael had two assigned spaces, but only one car, so the other was often used by me, Mase, Aiden or one of my sisters-in-law.

  It still felt a little surreal not living together. We had grown up around each other constantly in the same house. When Mason had gone off to college, I still had Aiden and Michael at home with me. When Aiden followed Mason a year later, I still had Michael, and we had moved in with Mason and Aiden in their off-campus house when we attended Blaineview two years later.

  The same pattern existed when Mason had graduated college and started working at BI. I still had Aiden and Michael with me. And when Aiden graduated and started at BI, I still had Michael living with me. The campus house was now rented out to scholarship students. Well, not exactly rented. They got to stay there for free as long as they maintained a certain GPA. That was Shane’s idea.

  When Michael and I graduated, we made the grownup decision to buy condos and live
separately, and even though we had keys to each other’s homes and we could come and go as we pleased, it still felt weird sometimes. I wasn’t used to the quiet.

  I unlocked the front door and wasn’t even concerned with how hard the door shut behind me. I headed straight for Michael’s home office where I knew the bar was. I wish I could say I balked at drinking liquor at four in the morning, but I didn’t. I just didn’t give a fuck right now.

  The door was already opened, so I just stormed right on in and pulled out a bottle of McCallan, and still having some sense left, pulled out a glass and started pouring instead of drinking straight from the damn bottle.

  I was down one glass when Michael finally walked in; barefoot, hair a mess and wearing some lounge pants. “What the hell, Gabe?” And then his eyes widened when he saw me drinking. “What the fuck, Gabriel? Are you drinking at…” his gaze started shooting around the room until it landed on the clock behind him. “Are you drinking whiskey at five in the fucking morning?”

  I deadpanned him as I took another swallow of the whiskey.

  Michael ran his hands through his hair and down his face. “Jesus, Gabe,” he muttered as he made his way further into the room until he was seated on the edge of his desk. “What’s going on, man?”

  I toss the remaining liquid back and poured number three. Without looking at him, I told him the truth. “Justice was out partying for some girls’ night bullshit last night and she met some guy who she’s going out on a date with tomorrow night. Or tonight, I guess.”

  Michael let out a low whistle as he hopped off his desk and made his way to one of the barstools and sat. I pulled out another glass and poured him a drink. All those rumors people hear about twins and the weird connection were true where Michael and I were concerned. So, I wasn’t surprised that he joined me for a drink when, minutes earlier, he was appalled by my early morning alcoholism.