If You Could Only Feel (Buchanan Brothers Series Book 3)

by M. E. Clayton

  I laughed. There was nothing to do but laugh, because Michael was right. “He’s got you guys there.”

  “It’s because my mind hasn’t been addled by love or sexual cravings,” Michael explained in his best analytical manner. “I’m still able to think clearly.”

  Aiden sighed. “Fuck,” he muttered. “The kid might have a point.”

  Mason didn’t respond. He just reached out gesturing for Michael to take the stage.

  God, I loved my brothers.

  “Here’s what you’re going to do, Gabe,” he began, no nonsense. “You’re going to let her divorce you-”

  “What?!”

  “What the fuck?!”

  “Are you high?!”

  Mason’s shock was evident. Aiden’s irritation was showing. And I had to ask if he was high, because that was the only reason I could think of, for him to say something so fucking stupid.

  “Simmer down you goddamn cavemen,” Michael laughed.

  Aiden leaned in. “I cannot wait until you meet someone,” he growled. “I’m going to love rubbing it in your face when your caveman comes out.”

  Mason gave Aiden an incredulous look. “You better pray to God his caveman doesn’t ever come out. We’ll be cleaning up a goddamn crime scene if it does.”

  Michael waved away Mason’s worries. “If you guys would shut the fuck up and let me finish, please…” We all shut our mouths. “Let her move forward with divorcing you, Gabe. And while she’s doing that, we’ll start helping her plan your wedding.”

  I was still confused. “What?”

  “Justice’s concern is that you only married her because you were drunk and feeling threatened, right?” I nodded. “So, we show her that you’re marrying her because you love her.”

  I shook my head. “I will not be divorced, Mike. Not ever.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Justice won’t get that far,” he explained. “By the time we’re done with her, she’ll be so sick of invitations, lace, cake…anything wedding related, she’ll realize it’s just easier to stay married to you.”

  “That’s super hardcore manipulating, Michael,” Mason pointed out.

  “Means, ends, and all that jazz,” Mike replied. “Besides, her love for him is not what’s in question here. She wants to be married to him. She just wants him to want to be married to her.”

  I agreed with Mason. This was super manipulative, but I didn’t know what else to do. Letting her ‘divorce’ me while forcing her to plan a sober wedding might just work.

  Chapter 15

  Justice~

  Apparently, it’s harder than it sounded to get in touch with a divorce lawyer.

  I had spent my lunch time eating and looking up divorce lawyers in the area. Some sites seemed promising, and some seemed sleazy. But everyone I contacted greeted me the same way; I could make an appointment to meet for some time next week.

  Now, while a week might not seem like a big deal to most people, for me it was a huge problem. The longer I stayed married to Gabriel, the harder it would be to walk away from him.

  I had just finished taking the longest shower of my life, and I was walking into the kitchen, when I heard Gabriel’s keys unlocking the front door. It could only be Gabriel, since no one else had a key.

  He had already been gone this morning when I had woken up, so we haven’t spoken since he made it clear he didn’t love me last night.

  My stomach still churned every time I replayed his words in my head, so I ignored him and went about my business.

  Since this wasn’t a real marriage, I didn’t feel the need to greet him at the door or have his dinner ready. I don’t know what he did to feed himself when he was at home, but he was alive and well, so he must manage well enough. He could manage now.

  And even though I was the one pushing for this, I still hated how I’d gone from loving him and basking in the passion of our times together to barely being able to speak to him.

  I was cutting up an apple when his voice sounded from behind me. “Is that what you’re having for dinner?”

  I spun around to find him leaning against the refrigerator, arms crossed, his suit jacket gone, and the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. It just wasn’t fair that he should look so good. And it really wasn’t fucking fair that God had made two of him. Gabriel and Michael side by side was a sight to behold, that’s for sure.

  “No,” I replied as civilly as I could. “It’s just a snack. It’s only…wait, what are you doing here so early?” Gabriel had mentioned, before he and Michael started at BI, that since Mason and Aiden were usually stuck at the office until six, he imagined the same would be demanded of him and Michael. And then there was the hour drive to my house from the city.

  “I left work early,” he answered, not adding anything more.

  “Oh.” I turned my back to him and went back to cutting up my apple.

  “I talked to Mason,” he said from behind me. “He said I could put in a request tomorrow with speak with BI’s legal representation. He was pretty sure they could recommend a good divorce lawyer for you.”

  My stomach sank to my knees and my hands started to shake at his words. And then I cursed myself for being 20 different kinds of a fool. This is what I wanted, right? I didn’t want to be with a man who only married me because he was drunk and feeling foolish. I wanted to end this sham of a marriage, right?

  So, why the fuck did I feel like crying?

  I had felt like crying this morning when I had taken the rings off, and now, I wanted to cry because he was giving me what I wanted.

  What an emotional fuck up I was.

  I had to clear my throat before replying, “I don’t think I’d be able to afford anyone BI’s attorneys would recommend.”

  I heard a small sigh. “Justice, I would never let you pay for something like that. I’ll foot the bill.”

  Before I could comment-or fall to the floor in a crying, confused heaping mess-there was a knock on the front door. I turned to Gabriel, because it couldn’t be for me. Beatrice always texted before she came over and I had no other friends. No one visited me. It had to be for Gabriel.

  My suspicions were confirmed when he opened the door and in entered his lookalike, followed by the two older Buchanans and two women who I knew must be Shane Buchanan and Denise Buchanan.

  What. The. Hell?

  I watched stunned as Michael walked over and sat his gorgeous ass on the kitchen table, and Aiden and Mason came to stand next to Gabriel. Shane and Denise walked over and stood next to where Michael was sitting.

  I had a kitchen full of Buchanans and it was goddamn nerve racking.

  Shane and Denise Buchanan were just as beautiful as I imagined they would be. I had never met them or had the urge to Google them, but they were absolutely gorgeous.

  Shane had brown hair and a stunning pair of hazel eyes and she was petite in stature. Denise had brown hair with a curl that can only come from mixed heritages and her hazel eyes were just as stunning as Shane’s. Denise was also curvy as hell and she rocked the hell out of those curves.

  I was two seconds away from having a heart attack when Michael spoke up. “So, Justice,” he began, “since I’m sick and tired of hearing their whining, I need you to settle something for me.” I numbly stared at him. “Is it going to be too much of a distraction for me to be standing next to Gabe as his Best Man because I’m better looking than he is?”

  What. In. The. Hell?

  “I’m sorry…wh…what?” My eyes blinking a mile a minute.

  “Well, I know you have a friend named Beatrice, who I imagine will be your Maid of Honor, since you hardly know the girls,” he said gesturing to his sisters-in-law. Hardly? This is the first time I’ve ever even laid eyes on them. “It makes sense that I’d be Gabriel’s Best Man and Mase and Aiden would be groomsmen escorting Shane and Dibtab down the aisle, right?”

  I had no idea what he was talking about, but one thing did stand out. “Dibtab?”

  Denise
Buchanan rolled her eyes as she cleared things up. “It’s short for Denise I Belong To Aiden Buchanan.” Against my will, my gaze shot towards Aiden and I watched in jealous awe as he winked at his wife; the love on his face clear.

  I really wanted to cry then.

  “The thing is,” Michael continued, “will it be distracting to have me standing next to Gabriel? We wouldn’t want the bride to get confused.” I looked over at him and the fucker winked at me. Winked at me and flashed a goddamn smile.

  Christ, these men were brutal.

  “What are you talking about?” I finally asked.

  This time, Shane Buchanan joined in. “Fools,” she uttered loud enough for all four men to hear her. “Absolute fools.” She smiled at me and then proceeded to explain Michael’s ridiculous ramblings. “Gabriel told us you wanted to divorce him, and we didn’t blame you one bit.”

  “Yeah, I mean no one’s dream wedding is a drunken Elvis wedding in Vegas,” Denise added.

  “There was no Elvis,” Gabriel said, feeling the need to clear up that misconception.

  “So, while the divorce is going through, we’re going to help you plan the wedding of your dreams,” Shane announced, her face all alit with smiles and pleasant dreams.

  “What?!”

  “It’s going to be so beautiful,” Denise said, dreamily, ignoring my outburst. “Our first real wedding.”

  Okay. That threw me off and put my outburst on hold. “What do you mean by a first real wedding? What about you and Aiden? Or Shane and Mason?”

  Shane laughed, and it sounded lyrical. Like if butterflies could laugh. “We got married, alright, but there weren’t any weddings.”

  “Yeah,” Denise continued for her. “Aiden was so worried I’d change my mind, he dragged a man of good faith to the BI building and forced him to marry us.”

  “Mason and I had a small ceremony where basically the same thing happened,” Shane added.

  My eyes danced back and forth between Aiden and Mason and the smiles on their faces at the memories were the sweetest things I’ve ever seen. These men loved their wives.

  Michael looked back at me. “And don’t look at me,” he said, grinning. “When I meet the right woman, I’m going to conk her on the head, drag her to the closest church and make her my wife before I knock her up with millions of my babies.”

  I was so mad at Gabriel for involving his family in our drama, but I couldn’t help but laugh at Michael’s ridiculous statement. “A million kids are a lot, don’t you think?”

  “If I love her, not at all,” he answered, sincerely.

  Suddenly, this was too much. I looked over at Gabriel. “Can we talk? Privately?”

  There was a chorus of objections from his family before Gabriel said, “Okay.”

  He walked over, grabbed my hand in his, and led me to the bedroom. Gabriel shut the door behind us and turned towards me. “What’s up?”

  “I’m not sure what,” I gestured towards the door, “all that is out there, but…we’re getting a divorce, Gabriel, not planning a wedding.”

  He stepped towards me until I was forced to step back or get stepped on. When my back hit the wall, he said, “Give me one good reason why we should get a divorce, Justice. Just one.”

  Chapter 16

  Gabriel~

  I stared down at her waiting for her answer but knowing nothing she could say would make a difference. Even if Michael’s plan didn’t work, there was no way I was letting Justice divorce me.

  Justice planted her hands on her hips and glared up at me. “How about the fact that you don’t love me?”

  It felt like I was grinding the enamel clean off my molars. “When have I ever said I didn’t love you?”

  Her eyes widened. “You bastard!” she seethed. “Just last night I asked if you loved me and you said no.”

  I stepped to her and loomed over her, making sure her focus was on me and my next words. “No,” I corrected. “You asked me if I loved you the same way you loved me, and I told you no.” Her brows rose and her head twitched, indicating that I had just confirmed her accusation. How wrong she was. “I don’t love you the way you love me, Justice. I love you far beyond what you could ever comprehend.”

  Her eyelids started blinking at an insane pace as she looked up at me in shock. After a few seconds of silence, she stuttered, “Ww…wha…what?”

  I reached up and cradled her face in my hands. “I fell in love with you three days into that stupid American History project when we were 15 fucking years old, Justice. I fell in love with you when we were 15 years old and have been in love with you every fucking day since then.”

  I didn’t know what I was expecting, but what happened next, wasn’t it.

  Suddenly, Justice turned into someone I’d never seen before, questioning every time I thought I could read a person and know what they were about.

  Her small fists came crashing against my chest. Her screams held no regard for the fact that my family was down the hall. Her sobs were genuine, and her anger was real.

  Very real.

  “No!” she wailed and shrieked. “You don’t get to do that!”

  I tried to restrain her hands, but she was everywhere. “Jus-”

  “No!” she screamed again. “You do not get to stand there after everything and dare to tell me you love me! You don’t love me. There’s no way you could possibly love me!”

  Now I was getting pissed. “Why the hell not?” I yelled back.

  “Because you don’t know me!” she ranted, not caring if her voice was carrying or not. “You know nothing about me, Gabriel. Do you know my favorite color? My favorite food? Where I work? Do you know my favorite movie? If I’m allergic to anything? What my parents’ goddamn names are even?” Every word out of her mouth was like the lash of a whip. “Do you know what my favorite flower is? Or what a day at work is like for me? Do you even know what I do for a living?”

  “Jus-”

  “No!” she repeated. “You don’t know anything about me other than how I like to be fucked, Gabriel!”

  I snatched her by her arms and shoved her against the wall. “That’s enough!”

  She tried to shake off my hold on her, but she was unsuccessful. “It’s true,” she raged. “All you know about me is how much dick my body can take before passing out. You’re not in love with me, Gabriel. You’re in love with my pussy. Well, guess what? You can just go and fall in love with someone else’s pussy, because I’m done with you!” And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, she fanned her hand in front of my face. Her motherfucking rings were missing from her finger. “And as soon as the divorce papers are signed, I’m going to be doing my best to fall in love with someone else’s dick!”

  Back in my subconscious, I wondered if this is what it felt like when Michael would lose his mind in a fit of unadulterated rage.

  Because I was feeling a rage unlike anything I ever thought I was capable of.

  My fist came raining down on the wall next to her head, and it wasn’t until the door burst open and my brothers surrounded me, that I realized I had seriously lost all sense of sanity.

  “Gabriel. Come on, Gabe…” Michael’s voice was floating around in my ear, but it sounded far away.

  I felt hands on me; my shoulders, my arm, my stomach…and voices. But the voices were drowned out by the roar of blood in my ears and the sounds of my lungs trying to operate and function. My rage was holding me captive, and I wasn’t ready to be reasonable.

  Aiden was standing on one side of me, with Mason on the other, and Michael in front of me, blocking me. I looked around him and saw the girls standing next to a sobbing Justice. Like her hair was a kaleidoscope of colors, she was a kaleidoscope of emotions shimming all around her.

  “Gab-”

  I ignored Michael and got back to screaming at Justice. “I swear to God, if you ever let another man touch you, I will fucking kill him!” I could sense my brothers wincing around me, and they weren’t wincing because I was
yelling at her, threatening to kill some unknown man. No. They were wincing because they felt her challenge as men who knew what they would do if their women ever cheated on them.

  “Go to hell!” she yelled back.

  I knew she was in the right. I knew all her anger and hurt was warranted. I knew this was all my fault. I had been careless with her love and her loyalty. I had been neglectful, selfish and insensitive. But none of that was going to change the fact that we were married, and she was mine.

  Marriage was sacred, goddamnit.

  “Gabe, maybe we-”

  This time, it was Aiden I ignored, even though I knew me yelling at Justice was probably driving him to the edge. Goddamn, Aiden. My green eyes turned towards his. “She’s mine, Aid-”

  “I know, I know,” he said, trying to calm me down.

  “Gabriel, maybe we need to leave and give Justice so-”

  My eyes flew to Mason’s grey, concerned ones. “Would you leave Shane?” It was a dick thing to say, but I was beyond thinking of anything besides Justice’s threats to leave me for someone else.

  Mason stepped in, pushing Michael aside, and stared down at me. In a voice that could freeze Hell, but could only be heard by us men, he hissed, “No, I wouldn’t. But I also didn’t fuck her for six years, neglecting everything else about her. This shit storm of drama is your fault, Gabriel. Not hers! And because of that, her feelings are what matter right now, not yours.”

  Mason was right.

  And I knew he was right. But…

  “Mason, she can’t divorce me,” I said, the pleading evident in my voice, but I really wasn’t giving a fuck. Justice could not divorce me.

  His hands grabbed onto my shoulders and his eyes stayed centered on mine, trying to anchor me. “I know,” he whispered. “She won’t, Gabriel. We…we’ll figure something out. But this is not helping your case. She’s entitled to feel everything she’s feeling and if she decides to make your life miserable for the next six years to even the score, well…then she’s entitled to that, too.”