Sincerely

by Courtney Sheinmel

  On Thursday afternoon I went to the meeting for the school paper. The other sixth grader on the paper, Claire Watson, started talking about the pen pal project Mr. Warren had signed us all up for, and she said maybe she would write an article about her pen pal. “What do you think, Sophie?” Claire asked.

  “That’d be cool,” I said.

  But really I started to feel nervous. My letters to Katie were different from all the letters on Ms. Brisbin’s bulletin board. I didn’t write much about where I lived. Instead I wrote about really personal things, like Haley and Jessie. And my letters could be on display somewhere in California, in Katie’s classroom. . . . Or worse—Katie could be writing an article about my letters for her school paper. I didn’t want anyone besides Katie reading what I had to say. What if someone at her school just happened to know someone in New York, and that person just happened to be at Victor, and then Jessie found out all about it? She was already starting to not be my best friend anymore. That would drive her completely away for sure. I decided the next time I wrote to Katie, I would tell her not to show my letters to anyone. Mail is private, after all.

  At lunch the next day I met up with Jessie in the line to get apple juice. “I’ll meet you at the table,” I told her.

  “I don’t think I’m going to sit there today,” Jessie said.

  “Where are you going to sit?”

  “I don’t know,” Jessie said. “Some other table. We don’t have to sit next to each other every day. Melissa says I spend too much time with you anyway.” I didn’t know what to say back to her. There were too many people around us and I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I would start to cry. So I just picked up my tray and walked away.

  A few girls from Mr. Warren’s class were sitting at a table next to the one that used to be Jessie’s and mine. I noticed that there was an empty chair at their table. Two of the girls, Marachel and Lily, had been in my class the year before and we had been pretty friendly then, so I walked over to them. “Is this seat taken?” I asked, feeling stupid because everyone knew I always sat with Jessie. Marachel was sitting next to the empty chair and she shook her head. She swallowed the food in her mouth and smiled. “Sit,” she said. I put my tray down, but before I sat down I looked over my shoulder to see where Jessie was sitting. She, Lindsay, Amy, and Melissa were at the back of the room with a couple of other girls from our class. They were laughing about something, and I wondered if Jessie had told them what she’d said to me.

  That afternoon Ms. Brisbin asked all the kids who hadn’t received a letter yet to raise their hands. Three girls’ hands shot up. “Okay, Alyssa, Jillian, and Samantha,” Ms. Brisbin said. She made a mark in her grade book. “Let me know if you don’t get anything over the weekend, and don’t feel bad about not receiving anything yet. The mail can sometimes be unpredictable.” Ms. Brisbin bent back down to her book. “Sophie,” she said. “I don’t have you checked off as getting a letter either. Did you bring one in?”

  “Oh, I didn’t get one yet either,” I mumbled.

  “Why didn’t you raise your hand, then?” Ms. Brisbin asked.

  I shrugged. I knew I had to remember to bring Katie’s letter in on Monday, or else Ms. Brisbin might report her and Katie could get into trouble. Then again we could pretend it had gotten lost in the mail and neither one of us would get into trouble. Even Ms. Brisbin had said the mail was unpredictable.

  I looked across the table at Jessie, but she was looking down toward the desk and I couldn’t catch her eye. I didn’t think she had noticed that I had been wearing glitter on my eyelids for the whole week. Amy, Melissa, and Lindsay were still not my friends, and Jessie still had more to say to them than to me. No matter how hard I tried, I was still standing on the outside of their group looking in. There’s a line in a Tori Amos song about feeling far away from someone even when you’re right next to them. That’s how it felt to be with Jessie. There she was, right across the table from me just like she had been since the beginning of the school year. I could reach my feet out and touch her legs. I could slip a note to her so fast that Ms. Brisbin probably wouldn’t even notice. But I didn’t even know if Jessie would take it from me. Would she even want to know what I had to say?

  At the end of the day Ms. Brisbin gave us back our state reports. I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would, but I still didn’t want anyone to see my grade. I usually get really good grades on papers. I folded it up and stuffed it into my backpack. Even though it was Friday, I couldn’t walk Haley home because all the sixth graders had to meet about the school dance, which was exactly two weeks and one day away. We were broken up into two groups. Half of us were assigned to the setup committee, which meant that we had to be at school an hour before the dance. The other half of us were on the break-down committee and had to stay after the dance for an hour, or as long as it took to clean everything up. Lindsay, Jessie, and I were on the setup committee. Amy and Melissa were on the break-down committee.

  “Does anyone have any questions?” Mr. Pomeroy asked. He’s the Head of School, which is another way of saying he’s the principal. He was helping with the dance. Lindsay raised her hand. “Yes, Lindsay?” Mr. Pomeroy said. He knows the name of every single girl at Victor.

  “I’d like to be switched to the break-down committee,” Lindsay said.

  “Do you have a conflict?”

  “Not exactly,” Lindsay said. “I just need to be switched.”

  Mr. Pomeroy shook his head. “I’m sorry, but unless a student has a conflict, I expect them to show up for their assigned committee.”

  “Can we trade committees?” Lindsay asked.

  “No,” Mr. Pomeroy said. “No trading. If anyone has a conflict, please leave a note in my office by the end of next week and I’ll reassign you. Any other questions?”

  No one had any other questions. Mr. Pomeroy started talking about the rules for the dance. Basically, we were not allowed to trash the school, and if we saw anyone from another school doing anything to damage Victor property, we were to report to him immediately. I heard Lindsay whisper to Jessie, “I’m going to get my mom to write me a note so I can switch committees. I can’t show up before the dance and work for an hour. I want my hair to look fresh. You should have your mom write you a note too.” I didn’t hear what Jessie said back. She had a much softer whisper than Lindsay. So I turned back to Mr. Pomeroy.

  He looked at us sternly. “I don’t have to tell you that this is your school too, and it is your responsibility to act respectfully and keep it clean.” If he didn’t have to tell us, then why did he bother to say all that? “And that’s it,” Mr. Pomeroy said, and he cracked a smile. “Have a good weekend, girls.”

  I watched Jessie race out of the building with Lindsay, Amy, and Melissa. I knew they were going to see if the Dorr boys were waiting for them. Sure enough, when I got to the corner a few minutes later, I saw them all hanging out together. Madden Preston was standing with his hands shading his eyes, and he turned toward me as I passed him. I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he winked at me. I just kept walking toward home. I didn’t stop by the deli even though I had brought money for a black-and-white cookie.

  Mom and Dad ordered pizza for dinner. Usually the four of us split a mushroom and extra cheese pizza, but that night Haley said she wanted a hot dog pizza.

  “I’m afraid a hot dog pizza is not on the menu,” Mom told her.

  “Whoever heard of a hot dog pizza?” I asked.

  “It’s a kind of pizza,” Haley insisted. “Instead of mushrooms there are little pieces of hot dog on the pizza.”

  “That’s gross,” I said. “Where did you ever eat that?”

  “I didn’t eat it yet. I just know it will be delicious,” Haley said.

  “Gross,” I said again.

  “What’s gross about it?” Haley wondered. “I love hot dogs and I love pizza.”

  “Well, Haley,” Dad said, “how about if I make you a hot dog and when the pizza comes we can cut it up an
d put it on top of the pizza?”

  “Oh, goodie!” Haley said.

  The pizza came. Haley picked all the mushrooms off one of the slices and then put pieces of hot dog on top of the holes where the mushrooms had been. She held out a handful of mushrooms toward me. “Do you want them?”

  “Not after your fingers have been all over them,” I told her.

  I watched Haley eat her hot dog pizza. I wanted to taste it, but I knew my parents would give me a hard time if I asked, since I had just told Haley how gross it was. So I just ate my mushroom slice, the same as always. I imagined Jessie was hanging out with Lindsay, Amy, and Melissa. They were probably at a restaurant, talking about the school dance and Madden Preston. Even though I knew I would feel strange hanging out with them, it felt worse to be home and not invited.

  I was so busy thinking about the hot dog pizza and worrying about Jessie and her new friends that I didn’t even pay attention to my parents and Haley that night. I should have paid more attention so that there was more to remember about it, because it was the last meal like that we ever had. The next day Dad told Haley and me that there was something important he and Mom had to tell us. We followed him into the living room. My chest felt tight and strange. I stared out the window the whole time, as Dad explained that even though he and Mom loved us very much, they were having problems with each other and would be separating. I could see people in the apartments across the street. I wanted to be somewhere else, in someone else’s family. I wanted to be in one of those other apartments, where it seemed like nothing bad was happening.

  Eight

  IT ALL HAPPENED very quickly. That afternoon Dad packed a bag and left our apartment. He said he was going to check into a hotel and invited Haley and me to meet him the next day for lunch and order room service. After he left, I went into my room to lie down. It wasn’t that I was tired. I just didn’t know what else to do. I hadn’t made my bed that morning, so I just slipped back in and pulled up the covers. I wished I had had a television in my room, but my parents had never let me get one, so I turned my head toward the wall and looked at the wallpaper instead. There were pale pink flowers against a cream-colored background, and in between the flowers were lines Haley had drawn a few years before with a red crayon, connecting the roses to one another like those connect-the-dots coloring books we used to have. Mom always said one of these days we would get new wallpaper, now that Haley was old enough to know better than to color all over the walls. I traced with my index finger the lines Haley had drawn. I remembered hearing Mom yelling at Dad that we didn’t have enough money for a divorce, and I had a feeling it would be a long time before we got new wallpaper now.

  I heard Haley’s footsteps a few minutes later and I turned around. “How did you know I was here?” she asked.

  “You’re a loud walker,” I told her.

  Mom came in behind Haley. “Why don’t we give Sophie some space today,” Mom said.

  Now that Mom was finally telling Haley to give me some space in my own room, I didn’t even feel like having privacy. “No, you guys can stay,” I said. Haley jumped up onto my bed and settled herself against my legs. “When is Daddy coming to get the rest of his stuff?” I asked.

  Mom sat across from us on Haley’s bed. “He’s going to take some time off work this week when you girls are in school,” she said.

  I thought about Dad coming back into our apartment when we weren’t there and packing up all of his stuff. Maybe it was because we lived on the thirteenth floor. Maybe that’s why everything was so unlucky. “This really stinks,” I said.

  “Oh, Sophie,” Mom said. “You’ll see. Having a house with no fighting is going to be better. I promise you.”

  “Sophie and I fight,” Haley reminded her.

  “Yes,” Mom said, “you’re right about that. But Daddy and I won’t fight so much anymore.”

  “Is Daddy going to live in a hotel?” Haley asked.

  “For a little while,” Mom said, “until he gets a new apartment.”

  “Do I have to pack my things too?”

  “No, Haley,” Mom said. “You’re going to stay here with Sophie and me.”

  “How long?” Haley asked.

  “How long what?” Mom said.

  “How long before Dad comes back.”

  “Sweetheart,” Mom said, “Daddy isn’t going to come back to live here. He’s going to have his own apartment.”

  “I don’t understand,” Haley said.

  “Come here, Haley,” Mom said. Haley slipped off my bed and went to sit on Mom’s lap. Mom petted her hair. “You know Rachel,” Mom said.

  “Rachel in my class?”

  “Yes,” Mom said. “You know how Rachel’s dad doesn’t live with Rachel and her mom?”

  “They’re divorced,” Haley said.

  “That’s right,” Mom said.

  “But Daddy said ‘separate’,” Haley said. “He didn’t say ‘divorce’.”

  “It’s the thing that comes before divorce,” I told her. Haley sat up and cocked her head. I could tell she was thinking about it, trying to figure it all out. She had a look on her face that Dad calls a “pensive face.” But usually he says that about me, not Haley.

  “But why would Daddy want to divorce us?” Haley asked.

  “Oh, honey,” Mom said. “It’s a grown-up thing, but it has nothing to do with you and Sophie. Daddy and I love you as much as ever.” I don’t know why parents always say divorce has nothing to do with the kids. We lived there too, and he’d moved away from us, too. Now he was separated from all of us, not just Mom. But I didn’t say that out loud because of Haley.

  “Rachel’s dad lives far away,” Haley said. “Is Daddy going to move far away?”

  “No,” Mom said. “Daddy is going to stay here in Manhattan so he can see you girls whenever you want to see him.”

  “That’s good,” Haley said. “I think it’s better that way.” She smiled and leaned back against Mom. “Will I have two sets of toys?”

  “I’m sure Daddy will have toys for you at his place,” Mom said.

  “That’s good,” Haley said again. “Can we order in for dinner again?”

  It’s so much easier to be someone like Haley. It’s so easy for her to be happy. Maybe it has to do with being pliant. She’s willing to go with the flow and do whatever Mom and Dad say, but I just wished we could go back to the way it was before. There were certain things Dad always did—like build things and carry the heavy bags and make pancakes for breakfast. Who would do all of that if he wasn’t around? Mom was acting like everything was going to be fine, but what if it wasn’t? Didn’t she say we didn’t have enough money? Would we have to leave Victor? Would we have to move? If we moved into a smaller apartment and Mom didn’t have room for an office, then maybe she wouldn’t be able to work and we would get even poorer, and it would all be Dad’s fault.

  Dad called the next morning. I was sitting next to Mom on the couch in the living room when she answered the phone. She glanced at the caller ID on the back of the phone. “It’s your father,” Mom said, holding the phone out to me. It was still ringing but I shook my head. Mom clicked the button to answer. “Hello,” she said. Usually when she answers the phone she says the word “hello” like a question, but this time her voice was low, like she was disappointed. “He wants to talk to you,” Mom said, and she held out the phone again.

  I felt so bad for Mom. “I don’t want to talk to him,” I said.

  Mom looked like she was going to say something else to me, but she changed her mind and stood up. “Haley,” she called, “Daddy’s on the phone for you.”

  Haley came racing into the living room and grabbed the phone from Mom. “Daddy!” she said, almost shouting.

  I listened to Haley’s end of the conversation and could tell they were making plans for Dad to pick Haley up and bring her back to the hotel for lunch. “Okay. I’ll tell Sophie,” Haley said. Dad must have said something back because Haley paused. Then she said, �
�Bye, Daddy,” and turned to me.

  “Dad says we can have room service for lunch—whatever we want,” Haley said. “He says they even have pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches and we can get both.”

  “I don’t want to go,” I said.

  Haley looked shocked. “Sophie, this is a hotel. They have room service.” She spoke very slowly, as if I were the younger sister and she had to explain things to me.

  I looked over at Mom. “You can do whatever you want,” she told me.

  “I don’t want to go,” I said again.

  But that was a lie. I really did want to go to Dad’s hotel. I love hotels and I especially love room service. Last year when we went to Florida, we stayed in a hotel instead of Grandma’s condo because she was having it painted, and we got to have room service almost every day. But this was completely different. I didn’t want to go to Dad’s hotel and let him think that I was okay about him leaving. I didn’t want him to think it was okay at all or that there was anything fun about it, and I especially didn’t want to leave Mom home alone. What would she do if Haley and I both left? It would probably make her feel even lonelier if she had to be alone all day.

  Haley left to get dressed and then came back into the living room. “Please come, Sophie,” she said. “Pretty, pretty please.” She clasped her hands together and knelt down in front of me, but it didn’t work this time. The doorman buzzed from downstairs.

  “Do you want to go downstairs and say hello to your father?” Mom asked me. I noticed that she kept calling him my “father.” I shook my head. Mom told Haley she could take the elevator downstairs by herself and to call from the lobby when she got there.

  After Haley left, I told Mom I had some work to do and I went into my room to write to Katie. I had to make sure she wasn’t going to post my letters on the bulletin board in her school. I couldn’t write a whole letter about that, but I wasn’t sure what else to say to her. Even though all the letters on the bulletin board at school were about the different places the kids lived and things going on at their schools, it seemed stupid to write about New York or Victor. There was so much happening in my house that was more important. Still, I wasn’t ready to tell Katie about my parents. I wasn’t even ready to write the words down at all. I decided to just write a quick note to thank her for her letter, and slip in the part about not showing my letters to anyone else. I wrote the words really big so it took up more space on the page.