Juan

by Kathleen Ball

  “I was looking for some help around my place, and I thought the girl would be perfect. I’d heard she’d fallen on hard times.”

  Wendell narrowed his eyes as he studied Juan. He tilted his head as though he was thinking of what he could get out of the deal. “Hey, aren’t you the fella that has all those horses?”

  Juan shrugged. “I have a few horses if that’s what you mean. Most of them are already promised to the Army.”

  “Well, I can’t just let you have her and the boy. They’re definitely worth a horse or perhaps two. I mean who’s gonna do my cooking and cleaning? A man’s gotta have some comforts, you know.” Wendell smiled as he scratched his belly.

  Juan made a show of examining Sonia and Brent carefully. “I don’t know, I think they’re only worth one horse.” Juan suppressed a smile when Sonia’s jaw dropped.

  Wendell stroked his chin then shook his head. “They’re worth two, perhaps three even.”

  “Don’t I get a say in any of this?” Sonia’s voice was shaking.

  Both men said, “No” at the same time.

  The tears in her eyes brought a few curse words to Juan’s mind, but he held his tongue. He wanted to spare her any more pain. He put his boot on a chair and leaned on his knee then cocked his right brow and stared at Wendell. “I can give you two, but they’d be unbroken. Or—no, never mind.”

  Wendell’s eyes grew wide. “What do ya mean never mind? I want to know what else you was goin’ to offer or no deal.” He smiled; seeming certain he had the advantage.

  Juan shrugged. “I do have one horse I might be able to give you. It’s my horse, actually, and he’s well trained. But I’m not sure. It isn’t really a fair deal, my horse is worth far more than the girl and her son.”

  “Done! We’ve got ourselves a deal. Sonia, get your things. You and the brat are going with this Mexican.” Wendell smiled and looked like he was about to do a jig. “Hurry now, we don’t want to keep the man waiting. Sonia, hurry up. If you mess this up for me, you’ll be sorry.”

  “I’m taking my saddle and my saddlebags with me. The horse’s name is Journey, and I expect you to treat him right.”

  “Don’t you think you can come here and tell me what to do. We have a deal, and the horse is mine. What I do with a horse is none of your business. Sonia, get out here before I get mad.”

  Sonia quickly filled a canvas bag with their meager belongings and then she picked up Brent. She looked from one man to the other before she raced out of the shack.

  “I’ll just come outside and make sure you keep our bargain. I wouldn’t want you to steal your horse back.” Wendell gave him a sickening smile.

  Juan couldn’t wait to get as far away from Wendell and his falling-down house as he could. He went out the door and without looking at Sonia or Brent he unsaddled Journey. He put the saddle up on his shoulder and held the saddlebag. Then he gave Wendell a curt nod and began to walk in the direction of his property.

  He closed his eyes in relief when he heard Sonia and Brent scurrying behind him. He didn’t dare acknowledge them. He just kept walking until Wendell and the shack were out of sight. He took a deep breath and put his saddlebag and saddle down on the ground. He turned, unsurprised at the look of doubt and fear he saw in Sonia’s eyes.

  “Sonia…” he murmured and held his arms open. To his relief she walked to him. After giving Sonia and Brent a quick hug, he kissed Sonia on the forehead. Then he dug into his saddlebag grabbed a clean bandanna and handed it to her.

  “Thank you.” Sonia wiped her tears with the bandanna. “I can’t allow you to trade Journey away. Your horse means so much to you, and you spent so much time training him. I’m going to return to Wendell so you can have your horse back.” Her voice was so sad, and she looked as though she was about to sob.

  “Papa!” Brent smiled happily as he waved his hands around.

  “Brent, don’t call him—”

  “Come here Brent, let Papa hold you.” Juan took Brent into his arms and kissed his cheek. “I’ve missed you. Would you like to come to my house?”

  Brent crowed and nodded happily. He wrapped his little arms around Juan’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder.

  Sonia stared at the two of them. “I don’t understand.”

  Juan smiled at her. “I couldn’t leave you with Wendell. We both know he would beat you, and I suspect worse. This is the right solution for now, and we’ll talk about it later. I want to get you home and rested. I want you to feel safe. I bet it’s been a long week for you.”

  Sonia nodded and without a word picked up the saddlebag to carry.

  Juan bent his knees and grabbed his saddle so he had Brent on one shoulder and the saddle on the other. He started walking, feeling good about what he’d just done. He wouldn’t have to worry about Sonia for a while at least. The more he walked, the more he realized it wasn’t relief he felt, it went deeper than that. He would have beaten Wendell if necessary. He chuckled.

  Sonia gave him an inquisitive look. “What’s so funny?”

  “Wendell thinks he got the best part of the bargain.”

  Chapter Six

  The closer they got to Juan’s house the more nervous Sonia became. She slowed her steps a bit trying to figure out a plan. They wouldn’t be allowed to stay at Juan’s house. What would people say? She frowned. They’d have a lot to say and none of it good.

  Juan turned his whole body around and gave her an encouraging smile. “Come on, slowpoke, we’re almost there.” He didn’t wait for an answer; he turned and kept walking.

  Why was it no one cared if she was living in the same house with Wendell, but if she lived with Juan it would be scandalous? Wendell was a brute, and Juan was a gentleman. But people loved to gossip, she supposed. She ought to be used to it by now, but it wasn’t something that she’d ever get used to. She quickened her steps and caught up with Juan.

  “I appreciate everything you’ve done, Juan, but you know I can’t stay here. What would your ma and pa say? They wouldn’t like it one bit, and I don’t want them embarrassed in front of the whole town. I think it best if Brent and I stayed out in the barn.” She swallowed hard. Juan didn’t look happy. His lips formed a straight line. He probably had plenty to say but didn’t want to in front of Brent.

  Juan kept walking. “Let’s get you inside and get you warm. Brent, here looks awfully sleepy. We’ll talk while he naps.”

  “Papa, no nap!” Brent shook his head and started tapping the side of Juan’s face with his little hand.

  Juan’s lips curved upward. At least Brent could make him smile. It probably wasn’t right that she balk at the arrangement since he gave up his precious horse for her. There was only one bedroom in Juan’s house, and her stomach began to turn as she thought about it. Juan had always been a gentleman, but would he stay a gentleman now that he’d rescued her?

  When they reached his house, Juan slid the saddle down off his shoulder and set it on the ground. Then he opened the door and carried Brent into his house.

  Sonia followed, but her body grew more overwrought with every step. Her whole life she’d been at the mercy of the men in her family. Women didn’t seem to matter since they were only good for the work they could do. Once a woman disappointed them, they felt it their right to either throw her out or hit her.

  Juan was gentle as he lay Brent down on the bed. He pulled the covers up over him, ruffled his hair a bit, and then kissed him on the cheek.

  Juan was a lot like Smitty. Her body began to relax but her stomach still felt as though masses of butterflies were flying in it. She spotted the fresh bread on the counter and smiled. Mercy must have stopped over while Juan was away. She was a good soul and so friendly. Sonia had never felt one ounce of judgment from Mercy.

  She grabbed a knife off the counter and began to slice the bread. At the sound of his boots and spurs hitting the wooden floor, her hands faltered, and then she felt the heat of him behind her. He made her feel so safe, but she didn’t know if she
could trust her feelings or not. Better not to acknowledge him. She set the knife aside and built up the fire in the cook stove. Then she put coffee on to boil.

  “Sonia?” he said softly. When she didn’t answer he gently touched her shoulders and turned her toward him so that she was in the circle of his arms. He pulled her forward until she hid her face in the crook of his neck as he rubbed her back up and down, gently, the way she’d seen him do with Brent.

  She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t. She was cried out. Besides his bandanna was wet from all her crying earlier. What he must think of her. It felt so good to be in his arms that her heart began to race and she hoped he couldn’t feel it as it thumped hard against her chest. He smelled like leather and horses and soap. She never wanted to let go of him but they needed to talk.

  Slowly she drew away from him and looked into his eyes. She wasn’t sure what she expected to see. But she didn’t expect the kind understanding that she found in them. It was so different from the way he looked at her at the end of the party. Did he feel sorry for her? Did he feel as though she was his responsibility somehow? Did he think of her as weak and pathetic? It was all too much. She walked to the window and gazed at the horses outside in the corral.

  “You sure did get a lot of horses. They’re beautiful creatures. They look so wild. Are you sure you can break them?”

  Juan went to the window and gazed out with her. “That’s what I do best. It’s been my dream for a long time and I do believe I can make money at it. There are plenty horses out there but not as prime as these. And it’s not easy for the Army to find a Mustang that’s saddle broke.”

  “So you and Greg are doing this together?”

  “That’s the plan until Carlos is a little older. I’ll have to add on to the cabin since he’ll probably be living here with me. He snuck out and came with me when I went to capture these last horses.” He grimaced. “Not his brightest move, but it turned out fine. I just don’t like the fact that he had Ma and Pa worried. I guess he left them a note when he left.”

  Heat rushed to her face as she turned toward Juan. “I did the same thing. I left them a note when I left. It was cowardly, but I was so afraid they’d try to talk me out of it. I just couldn’t ruin their reputations anymore. They didn’t deserve it. Your parents are the kindest most decent people I have ever known.”

  Juan turned toward her and grasped her hand entwining his fingers with hers. “So they had to worry about you two—wait, actually three.”

  “I figured they’d worry for about a day and then forget about me and Brent.” She stared at the floor as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

  “You’re not the type of person that people forget. Plus you have a son. I’m sure they worried the whole time. But here you are safe and sound, and I, for one, am happy.” He sighed heavily. “I spent most of the day hunting you down, and I made the mistake of stopping in to see your parents. They’ve always let me know they have no use for a Mexican and today was no different.”

  “They go to church every Sunday and sit up front, but they are the most judgmental people I know. They have no tolerance for anyone who’s different from them. It’s almost as though they don’t have opinions of their own but they take the opinions of the wealthier customers and make them theirs. The pastor even came to the house and tried to counsel my parents about helping me, but they refused to change their minds. They kicked me out that very day.” She tried to summon a smile but knew she failed.

  “Well, it’s a good thing you’re not like your parents.” He pulled her hand until she followed him to the settee and then he pulled her down next to him. “I guess we need to talk.”

  Silence fell, and Sonia waited for Juan to start, but it became obvious that she was the one who would have to lead the conversation. She wasn’t sure where she wanted to start. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before she turned and met his gaze.

  “I’m sorry that Brent called you Papa. I know it’s something you don’t want, but I never mentioned it to him because I never planned to see you again. Not that he’d understand anyway he’s still too young. In a lot of ways I didn’t understand either. I won’t lie, you cut me to the core, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized you didn’t want to be saddled with a child that wasn’t yours. I don’t suppose any man does except for Smitty. And he knew going in to his relationship with Lynn that he’d have to take on those kids as his own like he did for you and Carlos. But don’t worry, I don’t expect it of you. The next time he calls you Papa I’ll explain to him that you’re not his papa.” Sonia bit her lip and looked away. She didn’t want to see the satisfaction on his face; it was easier to pretend he’d made a mistake.

  “I don’t know why I said that. Actually, I take that back. I do know why I said it. I said it because you were getting too close to me, and anyone associated with me ends up tainted. I knew I couldn’t be friends with you, so I pushed you away. I just wish I hadn’t been so cruel about it.” He gave her hand a light squeeze.

  “All I can offer is the shame that follows me everywhere. And that was made so clear at the party. I just couldn’t take anymore and I left.”

  “Was the peddler older than you?”

  She snapped her head up and stared at him. “Yes, yes he was. He seemed to know the right things to say to me. I guess he sensed my unhappiness with my parents and he used it to make me believe that he would take me away from it all. I played right into his hands, the fool I am. I kept saying no, no, we have to wait until we’re married but he had so many reasons why the answer should be yes. I believed him. I believed every single word he said, and there wasn’t one that was true. I was devastated when I found that he’d left, and then when I realized I was with child, I’d never been so scared in my life.”

  “It must’ve been hard telling your parents. You’re a strong courageous woman, Sonia. That peddler took advantage of you. How old are you now?”

  “I just turned eighteen. I was fifteen, well almost sixteen years old when he did that to me. I thought I was old enough. I thought my parents were holding me back from becoming an adult, but all they wanted to do was protect me.” She studied his face, and although he tried to look expressionless there was a telling twitch of his jaw. He was angry and he had every right to be. She should have said no.

  Juan was quiet for a while, and then he released her hand. Next, he stood,went to the stove and poured them both some coffee. He seemed to be taking his time finding words to say, and she didn’t blame him. He probably didn’t want to talk to her anymore. He handed her the coffee and sat back down beside her.

  He slowly took a sip of the steaming brew and then put the cup on the table. “Sonia, you were only fifteen years old. It’s not your fault, I think at that age we’re all reckless at some point. I know not too long ago I was chafing at the bit to have my own place, and once I got it, I missed home. I missed my brothers and sisters and my ma and pa. I missed all the noisy laughter and loud fights. I thought I wanted quiet and solitude. I was convinced that’s what I wanted. But all I found was a lonely existence.

  I work with Greg every day, and I see Mercy every once in a while, but it’s the time right after you eat supper and the dishes are done when you find out how alone you really are. There’s no one to share your achievements or your failures with. There’s no one to laugh with you over something that happened that day. It’s just me staring into the fire knowing that this is the best that it gets. I don’t allow myself to dream much further than having a successful horse ranch. There’s no sense, I’ll never have a wife or children. I imagine many years from now it will just be me and Carlos staring into that same fire.”

  She couldn’t help but stare back. She’d never seen Juan look so vulnerable. Loneliness was a powerful emotion. It was one that she could identify with, and she knew how much it hurt. Even when she had been married, she’d had no one to talk to. She reached up and touched her short hair and frowned.

  “I
never did ask why you cut your hair so short. Don’t get me wrong, it looks fetching on you, but for someone that doesn’t want to stick out in the crowd I wouldn’t think you would cut it.”

  She stared into the fire, not wanting to remember. “Roger knew I was pregnant before he married me. That was the very reason why we got married. He went into town the day after we got married stayed at the saloon most of the day and came home mad as a nest o’ hornets. He grabbed me by my hair and told me I was an embarrassment to him. I screamed when he backhanded me a few times. Then he took out his big hunting knife and began to saw away my locks. It hurt… His knife wasn’t very sharp, but somehow that was my fault too. Then he said no one would ever want to look at me again. After that he fell into bed and slept until the next afternoon while I cried the whole night through. That was my introduction to married life.” She clenched and unclenched her hands and finally clasped them together and put them on her lap. She shivered remembering that awful night, but that hadn’t been the worst night.

  “He was a mean drunk. I’ve seen many of those in my time, and they find the weakest to pick on. The way your hair curls show your face is pretty.”

  “You don’t have to say that.” She reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. “It’s grown a bit since then but my hair is slow growing. He had it shorter than a boy’s haircut. Of course I didn’t leave the house for weeks, and I don’t think anyone saw me until Brent was born. Roger was so cheap he didn’t want to get the doctor when I was in labor. He said something about women having had babies for thousands of years without doctors. It wasn’t until two days later when I was so worn out and I knew I was going to die that he went to town and brought the doctor back with him.”

  Juan put his arm around her and pulled her close to him until she leaned her head on his shoulder. “You’ve had a hard time of it. Stay here with me, and I’ll keep you safe. No one will harm you while you’re with me.”