Crowned with Guilt

by S. K. Rose

  I locate his bathroom quickly and take the most luxurious hot shower I’ve ever had. Not wanting to put my dirty clothes back on, I find a folded bathrobe in the cabinets and tie it on. After locking the guest room door behind me, I dive into silky soft sheets.

  I toss and turn for a while, but eventually I’m able to catch a few hours of fitful sleep.

  ʢ ʢ ʢ

  I wake to the glorious smell of fresh coffee. I head out to the kitchen where Ace pours himself a cup and takes a seat at his dining room table.

  He smiles wolfishly up at me. “Ah, my little butterfly. Had a rough night, did we?”

  I ignore his question and rub my temples where a headache has begun to form.

  “Get some coffee, I’ll make breakfast in a minute,” he states. “I also have some Oasis promo clothes you can change into, might be a little more comfortable.”

  “That would be great.” I nod. “Ace, I wanted to help out a lot tonight. Mind if I crash here again after?”

  After stretching and cracking his back, he responds, “That’s fine, just clean up after yourself and feel free to use the TV and computer. Make yourself at home, Ruby.”

  I nod gratefully and accept his offer, I get some coffee. Taking the seat across from him, I can’t help but stare. It’s strange seeing him bare-chested with only sweats covering his lower half. His eyes meet mine over his opened newspaper, as if he knows exactly what I was just thinking about.

  “Was there something else you maybe wanted from me?” His expression has turned dark, a hungry expression in his gaze.

  “God no way, not interested. Thanks, but no thanks—just needed to escape that’s all.”

  Gah, that sounded kinda rude. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.

  “You’ve been a very loyal butterfly to me. I wouldn’t mind helping you relax.”

  “Ace, seriously fuck off. I said no,” I snap

  “Alright, I got it, just trying to be a good host. Maybe another time.” He gives me a sly wink that makes me cringe.

  The topic is thankfully dropped when he gets up to cook us some eggs and bacon. After breakfast, Ace tells me he has some important errands to run, but that he will see me later tonight.

  I debate running as far away as possible just because he gives me the fucking creeps, but decide against it. He wouldn’t hurt me or risk pissing me off, especially with all those important VIPs requesting me in the cage. I should be safe, I just need to draw a line in the sand and be abrasive if he tries to cross it again.

  Enjoying the peace that comes with being alone, I change into the clothes he left with me. Which of course means I’m now wearing a low-cut green tank top, and black spandex booty shorts with ‘Oasis’ in giant letters right across the ass.

  I snuggle into the leather couch with a plush blanket, clicking through channels, finally stopping when I get to an adult cartoon that has me snorting with laughter. The main character Archer, is vulgar as hell and basically my spirit animal. After a few episodes, my mind begins to wander back into dangerous territory.

  “Tessa, do you—do you have a crown necklace?”

  No, no. Shut up. I groan in frustration and try to pay attention to the talking characters.

  “Tessa, Andrew is alive.”

  I look back at the TV that swims in and out of focus before my eyes. I try to force myself to pay attention to the story, anything to distract my mind from these unwanted thoughts.

  It’s hardly effective.

  I lay there for the next hour or so until the naked chicks saunter out of Ace’s bedroom and give me a few dirty-ass looks before leaving. I decide it’s time to get off my ass and help downstairs.

  I ditch school the next few days and throw myself into helping with the club. During the day, I help take care of the live plants, restock inventory, and clean. At night, I dance in the cage, making triple the money when a bachelor party rolls through.

  I keep as busy as possible, passing out from exhaustion both nights in Ace’s guestroom.

  Wednesday night, I decide it’s time to stop hiding away like a coward. As much as I want to stay away from the traitorous bitch Beth and her brother—whoever the fuck he really is, I can’t fall behind even farther in my school work. Nothing is more important than earning my diploma and getting the hell out of Alder Grove.

  I had rules in place for a reason and they worked. I was fucking fine before I met Beth. I’ll just go back to keeping to myself and getting through the school year alone.

  It will work, and for the sake of my sanity, it must.

  Chapter 19

  ─────

  Slipping inside the abandoned locker room I call home, a sense of relief washes over me. It’s been a safe and reliable place, an imperative means of solace during dark times.

  I make sure to drink my fill from the water fountain, not wanting a repeat of my embarrassing fainting episode. I eat some canned green beans, click on my book light, and read until I can’t keep my eyes open.

  Looking in the bathroom mirror the next morning, I make myself look halfway decent. My black jeans are ripped at the knees, I’ve got on a gray Guns N’ Roses T-shirt with long black sleeves underneath, and my favorite combat boots are laced up tight. My hair is thrown up in a high ponytail and my makeup is a little darker than I typically keep it these days.

  Really, anything that screams “fuck off” is what I’m going for.

  I walk through the door just as the bell rings for class to begin. I head to the back of English and take my usual seat. I laser focus on my work and ignore everyone else around me. Thankfully, this is not a class that I have with Beth, so I don’t have to deal with her. . . yet.

  When the hour is up, I leave the classroom immediately and head toward my next class. I just want to get my work done and get through this day as quickly as possible. Before I can turn down the next hallway, a hand reaches out and grabs my forearm.

  She really can’t take a fucking hint, this girl.

  A surge of anger courses through me as I whip around to tear Beth a new one. I open my mouth to unleash a tornado of obscenities and come face to face with Andrew.

  No, it’s Drew, that’s what Beth calls him. Saying his full name just confuses me. Just like before, I feel the world around me start to spin.

  This time, I’m prepared. I close my eyes, slow down my breathing, and count backward from ten.

  10. It’s not my Andrew

  9. He looks like him, but he’s not him

  8. You are going to be okay, everything's okay

  7. Seriously, just get your shit together, Tessa

  6. Quit being such a psych—

  Before I can finish number six of my fucked-up, but surprisingly effective mantra, I hear the most beautiful sound in the world. I mean, that’s not normally how I would describe a voice, but fuck if it’s not just that. . . goddamn beautiful. My eyes pop open at his words.

  “Hey, Tessa? I, uh, just wanted to see how you were doing. I know we aren't friends or anything, but you’ve made quite the impression on Marybeth, and, well, she was really worried, so I was worried, too.” His soft voice exudes kindness and a familiar crooked smile crosses his face making my skin break out in goosebumps.

  Tilting my head and furrowing my brows, I take him in—really take him in for the first time.

  I need to accept that this is not my Andrew and stop allowing him to have this effect on me. His stunning green eyes are what really fuck me up; they remind me of him. Bright with tiny flecks of yellow mixed in with the emerald green. His hair is dirty blond with sun-bleached highlights. The disheveled pretty-boy haircut he’s got going on only compliments that ironic ‘boy next door’ appeal he seems to have.

  Moving my eyes further down his body, it registers on some level that I am blatantly scrutinizing him, but I’m much too curious to care. A plain black T-shirt and blue jeans fit snugly on his slender frame, proudly displaying a toned physique. He’s not rocking a six pack or anything, but he’s clear
ly in good shape. A fancy black watch sits on his wrist and the white Vans on his feet tell me their family is well off money wise. Now that I think about it, Beth is always decked out with fancy name brands that I can’t pronounce, I should have figured that one out sooner.

  Standing there in the hallway my brain came to two overall conclusions: The first was that whoever he was or wasn’t, Beth’s brother was fucking sexy as hell. The second was that upon closer inspection, he still looks exactly like the older version of my dead childhood friend, and it was doing some serious damage to my mangled heart.

  “You know, a picture would last longer.” His voice breaks the barrier of my thoughts, and I snap back to reality. A playful grin tugs at his lips as he watches me curiously.

  “I’m sorry, you just remind me of someone I used to know.” The words drop off as I’m not sure what else to say without sounding like a complete lunatic.

  Oh, sorry, it’s just that you look exactly like the grown-up version of my childhood best friend, and oh, by the way, he was brutally murdered in front of my very eyes. But nice to meet you!

  Yeah, no, that wouldn’t do at all.

  “This someone must have been devastatingly handsome—only guessing.” He’s full-on smiling now as he jests, attempting to break the tension that he must feel radiating off me.

  I attempt to smile, but I know it’s half-assed and pathetic-looking. “I’m sorry about the other day, fainting at your feet and whatnot. The doctor said I was dehydrated.” I shrug, but he’s shaking his head at me with concern flickering in his eyes.

  “Don’t be sorry, I mean, honestly it was flattering to have a girl faint from just meeting me. I felt like a Rockstar there for a minute.” His rich laughter makes me involuntarily grin. Grabbing onto the backpack strap that hangs off his shoulder, he continues, “Anyway, I better get to class, but it was really nice to finally meet you. I would really like to hang out sometime. Being new and all, I don’t have any friends yet. It would be great to learn about this place from a veteran like yourself.” He gives me a wink and a smile that makes my heart pound wildly in my chest before continuing past me down the hall.

  I stand there like an idiot trying to figure out what just happened, over-analyzing every word and movement like my gender species always tends to do. Before I go to take a step, I hear my name being called out. Spinning around, I see Drew still just a few paces ahead and looking back at me.

  The crooked smile is back on his face as he tosses me something that, with my slow reflexes, I just barely catch. Looking down, I see it’s a bottle of water. I snap my head up to say something snarky, but he’s already turned a corner.

  Ha-ha, very funny

  Shaking my head, I roll my eyes, but a smile steals across my face as I hurry to my next class.

  Chapter 20

  ─────

  Wiping the goofy smile off my face I sit down in my next class and open my trig journal. I hear Beth quietly slide in the seat next to me, but to my surprise, she doesn’t attempt to strike up a conversation. I’m thankful as hell. There’s so many emotions tumbling around inside me that I’m not even sure which way is up.

  Roughly twenty minutes into the lecture, I see a folded-up piece of paper appear on the edge of my desk. I glance over, and Beth is working furiously on a math problem, refusing to look my way.

  Unfolding the note, I read the neat handwriting,

  We need to talk, it’s important. Come with me to the field during our study hour. Please Tessa, let me explain.

  Some of the words are stressed with scribbly dark underlines that almost tore holes through the paper. My first thought is to crumple up the note and bounce it right off her pink head.

  Instead, I find myself scribbling fine at the bottom, refolding it, and returning it. As she reads my response, I see her smile, just a little, and immediately go back to her work.

  Regrets are already kicking in.

  Why did I just agree to this? I am definitely going to bail.

  But it’s just a bluff, I need to hear what she has to say. My life has been violently thrown off the tracks and I desperately have to sort this shit out before I lose my mind.

  When class is over, I follow her out the door and we walk toward the field by my ‘home’. As seniors, we have a study hall period, which is basically just a free hour to do whatever the hell we want, as long as we check into our Homeroom at some point during the week. Blossom plops herself under a tree by the track and still hasn't said a word. In the time I’ve known her, this is unheard of.

  I’m not sure what to say, still feeling rather stabby about the whole situation. The worst part is that I was really starting to enjoy having a friend, someone to talk to, someone who cares about silly things like your favorite color and irrational fears.

  These past few years I haven't let anyone in, but she was the exception, and after years of avoiding people like the plague, this betrayal—well, it fucking hurts.

  You’d think by now I would be used to people letting me down.

  After a few minutes, she’s the first to break the silence.

  “Tessa, I’m going to tell you a lot of things, and some may be painful for you to hear, but I just need you to listen. After I’m done, if you want to call me a liar and kick me out of your life, I’ll respect your decision and leave you alone.” Her despondent tone is even more unusual.

  I nod my head for her to begin, not trusting myself to speak.

  “When my twin brother and I were very little, I noticed he started disappearing from the house for long lengths of time. He was admittedly smart about it—sneaking off when my mom was distracted by her soap operas and when Dad was away at work. He always had different excuses for me as to why he was gone. Either he was exploring in the backyard or catching bugs, but when I would look outside, I could never find him. As we got older, his excuses got smarter; now he was riding his bike or playing video games at a “friend’s house.” She takes a deep breath before continuing.

  “It really hurt that my brother was lying to me, we had shared everything since the moment we were born. I understood him wanting to have something that was only his, something he didn't have to share, but as his older sister (by three minutes and forty-five seconds) it was my job to make sure he wasn’t getting himself into trouble.” Her voice is full of emotion, but she seems determined to continue. I watch as she lays out on the grass using her sweater as a pillow and looks up to the rolling dark clouds.

  “That’s when I saw you for the first time, Tessa. I caught Drew sneaking over the wall to go into the yard next door. Once he hopped down, I watched him take the hand of a skinny girl with long brown hair. He asked you if your parents were home and when you shook your head, you both sat up against a tree and began taking turns reading out loud from a book.”

  She pauses to examine me, I can feel her eyes trying to pry open my thoughts. However, I’m not entirely lucid anymore, because as I listen, I’m thrown into my childhood memories. I remember everything like it was just yesterday. We read mostly fairytales or books of epic fantasies, anything to help me forget the pain of whatever punishment I’d received the night before.

  “Mostly, you both hid away and God, Tessa, at first I was so jealous that he needed someone besides me. But even at that age, your sad blue eyes haunted me and I never said a word, I kept his secret. When we were days from turning twelve Drew took me aside and showed me a necklace.” She motions at the crown around my neck. I look down as the sun briefly peeks through the clouds, causing it to glitter in the light.

  “Like I said before, I figured it was for some crush at school. I hadn’t thought too much about you that year as I’d started to grow boobs and was getting attention from boys.” She laughs dryly and returns to lying down, her pink hair fanning out behind her in the grass.

  “A week after our birthday I was in the backyard trying out my new suntan lotion when I heard yelling next door. Without a thought, I climbed up on top of the brick wall and looked o
ver to see you crying over a body. Moving closer along the wall to get a better look, I saw that it was Drew. Your father was standing in the middle of the yard and two women had come outside and started screaming.” I flinch at the visual of my father in his drunken haze. I’m guessing what he had done didn’t really register until he’d sobered up.

  “I ran back home and started screaming for my parents to go get Andrew. Not a child to cry wolf, they phoned the police immediately as they ran next door. I wasn’t allowed to go, so I ran back to the wall between our yards and sat up on top and watched as my parents rushed in. Your father was unresponsive, and your mom was in hysterics trying to get your father to run. The ambulance showed up quickly, and you were dragged off Andrew by a police officer. Your father was cuffed and thrown in a police cruiser. I watched as a paramedic worked desperately to revive my brother. There was so much blood—” Her breath hitches and I know she’s crying silently next to me. Crawling over I lie next to her in the grass, sorrow consumes me, but my eyes are bone dry. Perhaps I’m too far gone, too numb to the horrors of my past, and I’ll never really cry again.

  I can’t bear to hear any more. I don’t want to know how devastated their mom was or what funeral arrangements had to be made. Regardless, I keep silent, as deep down, I understand this is something she desperately needs to get off her chest.

  A feeling I’m overly familiar with.

  “After what seemed like forever, I saw that the paramedic was successful, Drew’s eyes fluttered open and he was coughing. He was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.”

  No fucking way! That’s impossible.

  I watched the light go out in his eyes, he died right in my fucking arms. It’s just not possible. My mom even told me that there was a funeral, but as punishment for getting my father sent away, I wasn’t allowed to go. My thoughts whirl around like a tornado as I conclude this must all be a dream. I clutch handfuls of grass by my side, the blades feel waxy and solid—clearly a very realistic dream.