Finally he was calm enough to walk back to the car. He strapped Justin in his car seat, and got in the driver’s seat, waited for them to get in and close the doors and he drove home and didn’t say another word to them, and that night he slept in the guest room and he was woken by Justin’s loud cries for his bottle. He sat in the rocker and fed him, there was only a night light in the room so he couldn’t check the mark, but when he put him to bed it was still there, not as angry but it was definitely noticeable.
And he was right Joy noticed immediately, “What happened?” She exclaimed shocked when she saw it, “He was crawling and bumped into the end of a table,” he lied, and Joy looked at him, he was a good liar, he knew that, and he’d been lying so often lately he was getting even better. “Royce you have to watch him and baby proof the house,” she said. “I know, I’ll do better,” he said, and Joy looked unsurely at him and he wanted to kick himself. He wanted this, he fought for this and so far it was going horribly wrong, his family wasn’t going for it and doing things that made him look completely inept and inexperienced for the job. Joy took his diaper bag, and again Michael was nowhere around.
Michael had made a promise to Joy, “I won’t hurt you again,” he said, and he knew the only way to honor that was to not be around when Royce showed up. He despised him and only wanted to hurt something when he saw him and it was Joy who paid the price, so now he stayed away, if he didn’t see him, he wouldn’t hurt Joy, so on the Friday’s and Wednesdays he worked late and Sunday drop off day he played golf. Whatever he thought necessary as long as he wasn’t there to see Royce’s face. And it was working, he hadn’t hurt Joy since, as a matter of fact he’d made love to her with passion and lust he’d always felt for her. His heart and soul was into her like it had always been, he loved Joy, had always loved Joy and for her he would put up with Royce coming by and he knew he had to. For the next eighteen years he had to put up with Royce coming by so he’d better get used to it and he’d resigned himself to his fate.
Joy looked at him now, his blue gaze on her, “So everything is going okay then?” She asked. “What do you mean?” He had a feeling he knew what she meant, “With Tammy, the kids…,” just then Lindsey bounded in the kitchen. “Justin!” She screamed and Justin beamed and lit up when he saw her and held out his arms for her to take him, and Lindsey took him and placed him on her little girl hip and left with him smiling from ear to ear. “Oh yeah, it’s going better, much better,” he lied. “Good I’m glad to hear that,” she said a smile on her face and he knew she wouldn’t be smiling if she knew the truth.
The next Wednesday he picked up Justin the family ignored him and Duke was beside himself with happiness to see him and he again was in the guest room, not so much to stay away from Tammy this time, but because it was across the hall from Justin and he would hear him when he cried for his nightly bottle. Joy told him to get a monitor, but he didn’t think it was necessary with him so close, sure enough he heard Justin’s wails and he went in to feed him and Duke was pacing around frantic, “I know, you don’t like to hear his cries either,” he said and patted him on his head.
And that Saturday he said, “You know Karen if it bothers you so much we’ll stay here,” he wasn’t going through that again. “No daddy I want you to come just not him.” Royce felt himself getting upset with her for being such a spoiled brat, “Well how am I do that? I can’t leave him here, he’s not your age he’s a baby,” she looked at him with tearful eyes, “I don’t know…find someone to watch him, but I want you at my game daddy,” she whined. “You can’t have it both ways Karen, either he comes with us or we both stay home,” and he saw her wipe her tears and she whined, “I just want you at my games daddy, just you,” and it was Tammy who solved it.
He was hoping he and Karen could work it out and she’d come around but Tammy piped in, “He can come next week honey; he can stay when he has the baby, that way it’s a little less distracting,” she said her arms around Karen’s shoulder and placing her hair behind her ears and Karen smiled a tearful smile, “Okay mom, that’ll work,” she said.
And that’s how he ended up staying at home with just Justin and Duke and those turned out to be some of the best times he had with him in the house. They were alone and he wasn’t worried so much, he could relax, and he discovered a crawling baby gets into a lot. He found himself relegated to the media room, it was large enough for Justin to crawl around in, and he baby proofed it like Joy wanted and he had his big screen TV so he could watch baseball and rodeos when he found them. He went there even when Justin wasn’t with him, it was his room now, his place in his home. He barely stayed in his bedroom anymore and he blamed Tammy for how this turned out.
It had been a couple of months now and the kids still ignored Justin, and Tammy was no closer to coming around either. She still refused to acknowledge his presence and Justin had begun to dread coming to see him. He cried and screamed when he picked him up, he shook his head, “No, no,” when he had to leave with him, and Joy was pleading and crying harder now, “Royce, what’s going on, why doesn’t he like going over there?” And he would run his hands through his hair, how could he tell her his family despised Justin and showed it and it was starting to wear on the little guy. That Justin knew he wasn’t wanted in that house, if he voiced the truth out loud he’d cry, so he picked up a crying wailing Justin and said nothing and the only thing that consoled him was, “You want French fries,” or , “You want ice-cream,” and he’d drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and order either French fries or a small ice-cream cup and that would calm Justin enough for him to drive him home.
And then Joy said, “Royce have you baby proofed the house? I keep seeing little red marks on Justin’s legs,” “Yeah I did,” and he’d seen them too and wondered where they’d come from, “I can’t figure it either, but he is pulling up a lot, I mean he’s on everything now,” it was true at eight months Justin was spreading his wings and climbing and pulling up on the sofa, and holding on to Duke’s tail as Duke pulled him around the media room, it was hilarious, but he had to stop it a few times when he thought Duke was going to hurt him when he saw him dragging a laughing Justin across the floor, but Justin seemed to be a rough and tumble boy, so he figured the marks were coming from his rough play, and then Joy said to him, “He’s sleeping through the night now isn’t that wonderful?” “He is?” “Yeah, finally I can get a good night sleep.” “Oh good, when did that start?” “Just this week, so hopefully he’ll keep it up over there,” and he hoped so.
But he woke to blood curdling screams and every time he went into Justin’s room he was red faced and Duke was pacing, “Was I sleeping that hard buddy that I didn’t hear you?,” he often said, and that Friday night he hoped Justin would sleep through the night and it didn’t happen, he was awakened by his blood curdling screams. He went to him and gave him his bottle, and put him back to bed when he was sound asleep in his arms, and Duke paced and calmed down when Justin was finally asleep.
Even though they spent most of their time in the media room they did come out, to eat, to walk Duke, for him to use the bathroom, and Justin would cringe and cling to him when he saw his family. Tammy would turn her back to him, Dillon still ignored him and he cried when he saw Karen and would cling tighter to Royce. When they would sit at the dinner table he would try and get out of his seat if Karen sat next to him, so Royce pulled his seat close to his and Duke would lay on the other side. Duke loved Justin and thought he needed protecting obviously, and that was the only way Justin would sit at the table and Tammy would rather not eat than sit at the table when Justin was there.
“What are these marks?” Joy asked again, “I mean it seems strange Royce. What is he doing over there, are you watching him closely?” “Yes,” he said adamantly, and he knew he was. Justin was hardly out of his sight, other than his bathroom breaks he was with him from the time he picked him up until the time he brought him back to her, and Justin wasn’t sleeping through the night at his
house, but he was at Joy’s.
The next time he picked him up he decided to set his alarm to wake himself just before Justin usually woke up and before he got to the blood curdling screams he was used too. Maybe if he caught him in the beginning he could quiet him before he got wound up, since by the time he got to him he was red faced and almost hysterical, “I’m sleeping to hard, I don’t hear him when he first starts crying.” He set his alarm for thirty minutes from Justin’s usual wake up time, he sat there and waited, and after a few minutes he heard footsteps on the steps. He heard them softly padding down the hall and he heard Justin’s door slowly creak open and he heard Duke whine. He got up, and slowly opened his door, Justin’s door was closed now. He quietly crept to Justin’s door and he heard noises.
He eased his door open and he was shocked to see Karen standing over his crib, “I hate you! I hate you!” SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Justin was waking up now to her assault and starting to cry. She reached down and he knew she was pinching him, “There! You bastard!” Royce yelled, “Karen! What the hell are you doing?”
He barged in the room and reacted before he knew what he was doing he angrily pushed her so hard she went flying across the room. She screamed as she landed hard against the wall and fell to the floor. Justin was screaming his blood curdling scream now and he wondered how had he missed this? Duke was pacing now, whining and pacing like he’d always done and now he knew Duke had been trying to warn him, he’d been sleeping outside Justin’s door, he’d been whining and staying close to Justin when Karen was around and he’d missed it. Karen was sobbing hysterically and he picked up a screaming Justin, and turned to Karen, “What the hell is wrong with you? He’s a baby Karen, a baby!”
“I hate him! I hate you! I hate YOU!” She cried and yelled, “Good! You should hate me! You should hate me! Not him!” He yelled at her, “You don’t hit a baby Karen!”
Tammy came rushing in the room, “What did you do to her? What did you do to her?” She yelled at him. “Oh you should be asking what she did to an innocent baby Tammy! But I know you don’t care what she did to him, do you? You don’t care that she hurt a baby! It’s because of you she acts this way! You made her into this callous uncaring person who would do the unthinkable to a baby!” He yelled at her.
“You did this! You did this when you brought your lover’s bastard over here!” She screamed and now Dillon was in the room and Royce had never seen him cry through all this but he was now, he was balling his eyes out.
“Get out! All of you get out!” He yelled or he didn’t know what he might do, especially to Karen or Tammy, he was beyond furious with them. Tammy especially because she sanctioned it, she acted as if it was okay for Karen to do what she did, and he was enraged. Tammy glared at him and he glared back at her with such venom she pulled back, “Don’t test me right now Tammy,” she turned and left in a huff.
Still crying Karen and Dillon followed her. Duke lay down on the floor and whimpered, and Justin was screaming and trying to get down. Justin had cried and screamed through the whole thing and now he was beyond consoling and for the first time Royce felt his own tears. He held Justin to him and cried, he sat in the rocker and cried, holding Justin to his chest who went limp after crying himself out and Royce still held him, his face buried in Justin’s soft baby body and still he rocked him and when he went to sleep in his arms he still didn’t want to let him go. He’d let him down, Karen had been coming in the night and brutalizing him right under his nose, those marks had been pinch marks and slaps. He was afraid to put him back in his crib; it was a place of unthinkable horror.
He walked over to the guest room and eased Justin down in his bed and pulled the cover over him and went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, and when he looked in the mirror he didn’t recognize the person staring back at him, “What have I become? What have we become?” He dried his face and went back into the room and gently climbed into the bed. He slept fitfully and in the morning he heard them going about their morning getting ready for Karen’s game. He heard the door close as they left and he went back to sleep feeling safer now that they were gone and the notion didn’t escape him. He slept peacefully until he felt Justin’s little hands on his face and in his mouth. He felt him rubbing his head against his bare chest; he could feel his little soft curly hair as he rubbed. He opened his eyes to exactly what he was experiencing, Justin had one hand on his face and he was rubbing his head around on his chest, “Hey little buddy,” he said, and Justin raised his head and Royce looked into his sad blue eyes and knew what he had to do.
When Tammy and the kids came home and from the looks of it, Karen had a horrible game she was crying, and he thought, you can’t blame Justin for this one. He was dressed and holding Justin, “Tammy I need to talk to you.” He led her in their bedroom, “This isn’t working.”
“Finally, finally you get it Royce. No, this isn’t working. Take him home Royce, find another way to see him, just don’t bring him back here.”
Royce stared at her, “No, you don’t get it. This isn’t working between us, between you and me. As soon as I can I’ll be leaving and filing for a divorce.”
CHAPTER 8 , SEARCHING FOR ROYCE
Tammy sat stunned on the bed that morning. Oh God no! That’s not what I wanted, she screamed in her head, I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to understand he couldn’t bring that child here! That’s what I prayed night and day for, that’s what I wanted! She was shocked, and for the next week as Royce moved his clothes she begged, cried and pleaded for him to stay and work it out, and he left anyway and when she was served divorce papers she fell apart, and that had been six weeks ago.
Royce was sure of one thing and that was leaving Tammy was the right thing to do. From the moment he looked into Justin’s sad eyes he knew, it was if he was saying, “You brought me here daddy, you didn’t protect me. You’re supposed to protect me,” he knew he had to get Justin out of that house. Tammy had allowed an atmosphere of hatred to fester towards his child and he couldn’t let them hurt him any longer, he chose Justin.
Whatever feelings of love he’d had for Tammy vanished in that moment. The little strand of love he’d had for her really started vanishing from the moment she called his son a black bastard, the strand got smaller, and when she destroyed his food and milk the strand got smaller, and when he saw that little smile on her lips when the kids treated Justin badly the strand got smaller, and when she never said it was wrong for Karen to hit a baby the strand got smaller and he saw what that outcome had been. Karen had been abusing Justin for weeks with the implicit okay from her mother, and the strand disappeared, and if there was any remnants left it went up in smoke the next week when he was packing his things.
She came to him crying, “Please Royce, let’s try again, let’s try something, anything. We can work it out,” she cried, and begged and held on to him. “Do you know what she did Tammy? She went to his room every night he was here and beat and pinched the shit out of him! Tell me you’re okay with that!” And her response was, “You have to understand what she’s feeling, it’s hard on her, hard on all of us,” she cried, and he looked at her in disbelief. “Understand what she’s feeling, it’s hard on her and you right. Uh huh, I understand it’s hard on her and that makes it alright to hit and terrorize an eight month old baby because it’s hard on all of you, uh huh,” and he was done with her. She didn’t apologize, she didn’t sympathize with Justin, her only concern was it was hard on them, and he continued packing and the next week he called his lawyer. Then he called Paul to set him up with a realtor and that was six weeks ago.
He moved into an executive suite at the Marriot downtown and called Joy, “Joy I’ve left Tammy, and I wanted you to know because I might not be able to pick Justin up next weekend, Is that alright? I’d like to see him though, but I’m not sure about bringing him to a hotel,” and he wasn’t he didn’t think it was very child friendly. “Oh Royce, I’m sorry to hear that, are you okay?” “Yeah, yeah
I’m fine,” even though this was the first time he’d been without a woman since Sharla broke up with him he was going to have to figure out who Royce was without a woman in his life. Now he had to find out what life was like on his own. He wasn’t the same Royce as before he knew that, this thing with Justin had shaken him.
“I’m glad you’re okay Royce,” Joy said, “And you’re right I don’t want my baby crawling around on that nasty hotel floor,” he smiled and was glad he’d made a right decision concerning Justin, especially since he felt he’d failed him so badly. “So yes we can work something out until you get settled don’t worry about it okay.”
“Thanks Joy,” he said, “How is he, is he doing okay?” He was worried about Justin too, and Joy mentioned the marks on his leg, and he lied again, “I don’t know Joy, I can’t figure it out either,” he said and he’d never tell her Justin was being abused right under his nose by his sister. “He’s doing fine, are you coming this Wednesday? Maybe you can take him for a few hours and bring him back,” she said, “Yeah, I can do that,” and he knew he needed to see her too, seeing her smile was going to be just what he needed.
Royce went out that first weekend and found a house. And afterwards he called Joy, “I need a favor from you if you can help me?” “Of course it depends on what it is.” “Well I found a house and I need help with Justin’s room. Can you set it up just like his room at your house I think it’s great and it’ll be familiar to him to wake up in the same room.” “Oh Royce, I think that’s wonderful, of course I can do that.”
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