The hostess smiled and grabbed for his bag. “No problem. Take a seat and we’ll get going.”
He hunched over and worked his way into the main cabin, closing the security partition behind him and flicking on the Do-Not-Disturb light. Everyone else was onboard. Mitch and Alana were in the back in the recliners, looking at him in uninformed pity, while Mason, Sean, and Blake sat on the sofa opposite Leah, staring at the tablet she held up in display.
“Nice of you to join us.” Mason leaned back, one arm spreading across the top of the head rest. “We were about to leave your ass behind.”
He ignored the taunt as the jet engines rumbled to life. “I lost track of time.” Truth. He’d spent the night detoxing, trying to clear his head in an effort to think straight. He hadn’t been able to sleep, hadn’t been able to do much of anything other than type messages to Leah and then delete them again. He must’ve passed out somewhere around mid-morning because he woke with an hour to spare before their flight was scheduled to leave.
“You look like shit.” Sean scrutinized him. “Did you and the boss have a late one?”
“No. I crashed in a hotel.”
Blake narrowed his stare. “Didn’t want to risk getting caught?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
Leah kept her focus on the tablet, refusing to meet his gaze. It wasn’t hard to see why. Puffiness surrounded her eyes, the pink skin barely covered by make-up.
“What are we looking at?” He dropped down on the sofa beside her and fought not to greet her with a kiss.
“I was explaining the plan to try and get Slicker on a chart. Time is running short and we can’t afford to let this slide any longer.” She swiveled the tablet in his direction, showing the document filled with bullet-points. “The only way we can achieve our goal is to focus all our efforts on one major promotion.”
Right. He should’ve expected this response. While he’d spent the night searching for answers, she’d focused on distraction.
“I’ve suggested the second performance in San Antonio. The show is almost sold out and the stadium holds around nineteen thousand. It’s a good size crowd to get our point across. It also gives me a week to organize promo material and advertising.”
She shot him a two second glance, the sight of those bloodshot eyes enough to suffocate him. “Will seven days be too long for you?”
It wasn’t a question of time constraints with Felicity. Her concern surrounded Julie and how many days his wife would allow before announcing his impending fatherhood.
“I’ll make it work.” He hadn’t spoken to the child incubator since she’d shared the baby news. But he would. Soon enough.
“Any longer than that and we’re cutting our chances to organize something else if our first attempt isn’t successful. Any shorter and we won’t have time to build the hype before the show.”
“Just so you know,” Mason interrupted, “I don’t plan on doing this twice. I’ll pull whatever strings necessary to ensure we get the job done right the first time.”
“Leave the strings to me. I don’t need you causing more headaches.”
Ryan kept his focus on her, hating every second she didn’t return the affection. “Seven days is fine.”
She nodded and swiped to a new page on her tablet.
“Can we hold up for a sec?” Blake glanced between them. “Three nights ago I fell asleep to the soundtrack of you two getting your fuck on in the bunk beside mine. The following night you were all over each other on that very sofa.” He pointed to where Ryan sat. “Now you can’t even look at each other. What gives?”
Leah remained silent, her gaze downcast.
“Things are complicated at the moment,” he admitted. “We’ve got stuff we need to discuss.”
“There’s nothing to discuss,” she murmured. “We need to focus on the tour.”
Silence descended as he stared at her profile, the growing noise from the engines increasing as the jet inched forward.
“What’d you do?” Mason grated, leaving no doubt Ryan was the target of his question.
“He didn’t do anything.” Leah tapped the tablet screen. “Can we please concentrate on the task at hand? I’ll want you guys to sign a heap of promotional material, and we’ll get local media involved. I’m sure Grander will help, too.”
The jet increased its speed, the accompanying sound mimicking the roar in his chest. His friends stared at him in question, some in accusation, while the bird propelled into the air. The velocity had him holding on to the arm rest, his fingers digging deep as words failed him.
He had done something wrong. He’d done everything wrong. And he couldn’t figure out how to fix it. The thought of getting back to the complicated existence of their secret relationship seemed like a fairytale in comparison to the current shit-storm.
“Lee?” Blake inched forward. “We’ll have to pause the business talk because I need to know what’s going on with you.”
Leah raised her chin. “It’s nothing that won’t blow over.” She held Blake’s gaze, her throat working over a heavy swallow as the jet began to level out. “I crossed a line. I made mistakes. And I’m hoping you’ll let me fix them without making a big deal about it.”
“Leah…” He didn’t know what to say. This burden was supposed to be on his shoulders. So why could he see more crushing weight on hers?
“We’re family.” Alana pushed from her recliner and came to crouch at Leah’s side, Mitch following after. “Let us help.”
Leah’s jaw worked, her forehead creasing in a show of self-control. He couldn’t handle it. Her pain was his pain, the agony clutching at his ribs and tearing bones apart. His Wonder Woman was breaking, and the worst part was knowing this was her restrained. Whatever she’d put herself through last night would’ve been far worse.
“Julie’s pregnant.” He tore his attention from her and met Mason’s judgment. “I found out yesterday.”
Silence hit like an atom bomb as matching expressions of horror beamed back at him. There was no happiness. No congratulations. The upcoming birth seemed more like an announcement of death.
“Fuck. Me.” Mason balked.
“Yeah… That about sums it up.”
Leah crossed her arms over her chest and stared in a daze. He couldn’t stand the indifference. She needed to scream at him. To react. The hollow detachment was pure torture to his guilt.
“I want to say congratulations, man,” Sean started, “but that shit won’t leave my mouth without me cringing.”
He shrugged. “I hadn’t expected high-fives.”
“Please tell me you’re not thinking about going back to her.” Blake rested his elbows on his knees. “She’s toxic. With or without a kid.”
“But a baby needs a father,” Mitch argued. “He can’t leave her high and dry.”
“Christ,” Leah hissed. “Cut him a break, he only found out yesterday.”
He returned his focus to her, loving how she stood up for him. Loving her more than life itself. “Truth is, I’m still struggling to come to terms with it.”
Personally, he was confident he could make a rash decision and handle the consequences. But Leah needed time, and through all the mess and destruction, his main focus remained on her.
“You’re stupid if you think that kid is yours.” Mason didn’t hide the disgust in his tone. “She could’ve spread her legs for half the US population while you’ve been separated.”
“Mason…” Alana warned. “I think we need to be supportive.”
“We’ve been supportive of Julie’s crap for years.” Sean slunk back in his seat. “I think I’ve reached my limit.”
“God, you’re an asshole.” Leah shoved to her feet and squeezed by Mitch. “I can’t stomach the garbage all of you are spewing. With the myriad of defiled women lying in your wake, you’d think the four of you would be less judgmental about an unplanned pregnancy.”
She strode through the cabin, her footsteps shaky, and shut hers
elf into the bathroom with a slam of the door.
Then the silence returned. This time thicker. Heavier. Nobody looked at him. He was visually shunned and made to feel like a leper, and rightly so. His friends had put up with Julie’s bullshit for years, keeping the majority of their thoughts to themselves even when his wife hadn’t.
“I’m sorry, Ryan.” Alana broke the tension. “I wish I knew what to say.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Mitch leaned forward and landed a soft punch to Ryan’s shoulder. “I gather Leah didn’t take the news well.”
“How could she?” He stared at the bathroom door, wishing he was comforting her instead of explaining himself. “All I want to do is tell her it’s going to be OK, but I can’t bring myself to lie to her.”
“Oh, Ryan.” Alana took Leah’s seat on the sofa beside him. “It’ll work out.”
“You might just need a break,” Mason offered. “Forget about her while you pull your shit together. It’s not like she’s going anywhere.”
“Forget?” He gave a bark of laughter. “I wish. She’s all I can think about, but now I’ve got a kid, and no matter what happens, it’s going to affect her.”
“Fuck, man.” Mitch shook his head. “I wouldn’t know what to do.”
Alana’s hand rested on his thigh with a reassuring squeeze. “Like Leah said, you only found out yesterday. There’s no rush to make a decision.”
“Yeah, no rush.” He sighed. “Apart from knowing I’m holding her happiness hostage.”
* * *
Leah sat on the lowered toilet seat, staring at the unfavorable reflection in the bathroom mirror. She looked like death. No exaggeration. There was major luggage under her eyes, her skin felt dirty, and even her hair lacked the usual bounce. And no amount of foundation or mascara could diminish the carnage.
It hadn’t been an easy feat to scrape her heart off the living room floor. The process required numerous boxes of tissues and a scathing mental chastisement before she reclaimed her resolve and pieced together the broken parts of her soul.
Like always, distraction helped. It soothed and consoled, shoving away the spiral of demise hovering over her shoulder like a shadow.
She spent hours working out a plan to get the Slicker-Grander issue out of the way. She even gave the duo a nickname—Slander—but the title seemed a lot funnier at two in the morning when she was delirious and recovering from her emotional breaking point.
A gentle tap sounded, followed by Alana’s soft voice from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah.” Leah reached out and flicked the lock.
Alana pushed inside, an apologetic grimace on her face. She leaned against the clear wall of the shower and cleared her throat. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No. Nothing can be done. And losing my shit at the guys doesn’t help.”
“They deserved it. Ryan needs their support, not their judgment.”
“True.” Leah stared down at her hands in her lap and wondered why she hadn’t grown smarter with age. The last few weeks had been spent in the mind of a love-struck teenager. A careless, love-struck fool.
“You should’ve told me yesterday. I could’ve stayed with you.”
“I couldn’t broadcast his private life.” She continued speaking to her hands. “And besides, it’s not like we had a three-year relationship. We were together for a few days. I’ll get over it.”
Eventually.
“You’re not going to fight for him?”
“No.” In this she was adamant. “It’s too risky. It always was. We were stupid to think this would work out differently. If Julie hadn’t been the detonator, my job would’ve been.”
“But the two of you are great together.”
“And so are fries dipped in ice cream but that shit isn’t healthy. We’ve gotta move on.”
Alana remained quiet, the silence voicing innumerable questions Leah didn’t want to answer. This wasn’t going to blow over in a day, or a week. Her feelings for Ryan were always going to hover, no matter what he decided. There was no easy out. No quick fix. Just pain and torture she needed to ignore for the sake of her career and the band.
“For once, I don’t know how to react,” she admitted. “My entire world has turned upside down. I always thought I was independent. That I was this kick-ass manager who was strong and sure and capable. I was invincible until Ryan kissed me. Then, all of a sudden, I put everything at risk with my stupid feelings—my career, my income, my friends, my future.” She sniffed, then tensed her jaw, refusing to let pity take hold. “Nobody understands that I wouldn’t merely lose my job if my breach of contract was common knowledge. I would’ve lost everything.”
“Here, take this.” Alana reached into her pocket and pulled out a perfectly pressed handkerchief.
“Thank you.” She dabbed at her nose.
“I’m still listening. Please keep going.”
Leah sighed, hating the shame accompanying what she was about to say. “I don’t have friends outside of the band, Al. Or family. There’s no high school buddies. Nobody I can rely on for an uninformed opinion. I pushed everyone away in an effort to invest all my attention into building Reckless. I don’t even have a god damn hobby.”
She clutched the handkerchief in her fingers to curb her frustration. “Reckless defines me. Without them, I’m nothing. Yet, my happiness with the band and my love for Ryan are two completely separate things. They’re mutually exclusive. I can’t have both. It’s one or the other. And Julie’s pregnancy made the choice a simple one.”
Alana shook her head. “I refuse to believe this is the end for the two of you. Not when you love each other.”
“I want him,” she admitted. “I want him so bad it makes my entire body feel bruised. But I can no longer risk myself, or the family I’ve built. I won’t risk losing me.”
“What if you could buy out the clause in your contract. Or renegotiate?”
“There’s no way my boss would agree, not when Julie implicated me in that online interview. It’ll be even worse once the pregnancy is announced and thrown in the blender along with his fake relationship with Felicity. There’s too much scandal.”
“But what if?” Alana straightened. “You never know what’s going to happen next in the music world. Any number of things could change your situation. Your boss could sell the company. He could retire and someone new might be more amiable to your needs—”
“That’s a little far-fetched.”
“I don’t care. You can’t lose everything you’ve ever wanted with him because of this.”
Leah stood and looked Alana in the eye. “What I want is for Ryan to do what’s best for Ryan. He spent years doing what was best for Julie. Then he became caught up in this Slicker scandal because it was best for the band. And now he’s contemplating what path to take for his future and I know full-well his own interests aren’t at the top of that list.”
She sighed, long and low and cathartic. “He’s thinking about me when he needs to be thinking about the right choices for him. And none of this can be determined overnight. It can’t even be determined in a week or a month. He can’t anticipate how his life will change once his palm rests against Julie’s belly and the baby kicks for the first time. He can’t predict the pride and reconnection he’ll feel when he holds his child and knows Julie created that gift.”
She gave Alana a sad smile, not caring if she understood, because her mind was made up.
“I don’t want to be a ball and chain during any of that process. I already ruined his marriage. I won’t risk getting involved and destroying his chance at a family, too.”
“You didn’t—”
“Don’t try to argue.” Leah held up a hand, already anticipating the response. “He already admitted I was the reason his marriage ended. So there is no way I’m going to take this baby away from him, too. With me out of the picture, maybe they can make it work.”
She could sense another protest and was losing
the strength to fight.
“Look, I’m not sure what the future holds. Who knows, something crazy might happen and Ryan and I might find our way back to each other. But for now, I need to sever all ties and concentrate on my job. It’s the best thing for both of us.” She straightened her shoulders, preparing to face her musicians.
“Please tell me if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“No, I’m good. I promise.” Leah yanked open the door, her step forward blocked by Ryan’s strong frame. Remorse gleamed in his eyes, freezing her in place. How long had he been standing there? What had he heard?
“I’ll give you two some privacy.” Alana squeezed past and made for the Reckless men trying to discreetly eavesdrop with their mouths shut and heads quirked toward the impending conversation.
“Ryan?”
He blinked away the deer-in-headlights expression and stepped into the space the opened door provided, giving them a modicum of privacy. “How are you holding up?” He clutched either side of the frame, his gentle voice in contrast to his now predatory stance.
“I’m taking it as it comes.”
“You’ve settled back into Wonder Woman mode?”
“I’m far from Wonder Woman.” Unless the superhero had started dropping balls left, right, and center.
“Not to me.”
She snorted. “Well…thank you. You should know that Felicity is behind you all the way, too. I called her last night to give her a heads up on the possibility of drama unfolding from the Julie camp. I didn’t give her specifics. I only made her aware she may need to pull out the no-comment card and flash it around if a storm arrives.”
“Shit.” He frowned. “I didn’t even think to call her.”
“Nobody expects you to think straight right now. This is why you need space to clear your head.” She gave a sad smile. “I also called my boss, and although he didn’t say it aloud, I know he’s disappointed in me. I should’ve had the situation with Grander settled already. Instead, I got caught up in my feelings for you and justified every reason why Bruce has the no-relationship clause in my contract.”
“But you were happy. I made you happy.”
Reckless Beat Box Set #2 Page 56