Black & Blue

by Ily Jacks

  Declan shares my smile. “You can pick the movie we watch tonight, but I’m ordering Chinese. I’ve wanted fried rice all day.”

  “Deal.”

  And at that moment, I realize I’m in my first real relationship. With fucking and sucking on the back burner, we focus on dating activities. Damn, if it doesn’t feel amazing.

  8

  ♂◈ Declan ◈♂

  Adam likes to sleep. Over the next week, I learn this fact along with a few others about the young man who’s stolen my heart, not to mention my common sense.

  He goes to bed before I do, and naturally sleeps for two hours after I get up. I can’t remember if I was still growing at twenty, and the thought of him still working his way through puberty makes me feel like a damn cradle robber. Still, we fall into an easy, daily routine.

  I get down to the restaurant early as usual. Adam joins me around ten for prep. Once his ribs don’t bother him so much, Robin trains him to wait tables. He takes over a part of her section after lunch when the place is slower.

  Adam takes to being a waiter a helluva lot easier than he did to cooking. His naturally graceful demeanor comes in handy when he eventually works a busier shift and must dodge waitresses and customers. I often find myself standing in the kitchen and watching Adam work. When he smiles, I swear there are few things in the world more beautiful than the sight. Only my kids and a sunrise I witnessed in Colorado a decade ago can compete.

  Every night, we take turns picking dinner. Whoever chooses our meal has to watch the movie choice of the other guy. Last night, I made us pizza, and he picked another horror movie, Saw II. Halfway through the movie, I got so bored with the pathetic plot that I kissed Adam and kept his lips busy until the credits. I have no doubt he’ll pull the same move on me tonight when we watch High Noon.

  I’ve never dated anyone besides Maura, and our dates were mostly focused on club functions. Living with Adam means every night is a date.

  So far, I’ve learned his feet are always cold. I tease him how Maura had the same problem.

  One night, Adam says he wants a haircut because his pimp in Indianapolis was the one to insist he have flopping bangs.

  “To make me seem younger,” he adds. “I hate them, though.”

  “If this Leto fucker ever shows up, you know I’ll handle him, right?”

  “I can handle him.”

  “I’ll handle him permanently,” I emphasize.

  Adam gives me an odd look, making me suspect he thought my club was nothing more than for show.

  “He won’t come all the way to Haystack for me,” Adam insists.

  “If he does, you tell me, and I’ll deal with him. Not you, okay?”

  Adam leans his head on my shoulder and laughs. “So fucking bossy.”

  He isn’t wrong. I let Maura call the shots in our marriage because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing married. She had ideas while I was just there. With Adam, I’m the one with plans.

  ♂◈ Adam ◈♂

  I nearly piss myself in glee when I get my first regular. Dave Elkland is probably eighty, and he knows how shit needs to be done. His baked sausage and macaroni dish needs to taste exactly the same as the last hundred Tuesdays he ate it. Anything different and he’ll send back the food.

  For whatever reason, Dave asks to sit in my section on my second week. I keep his coffee cup filled and listen to him talk shit about the weatherman. For my solid service, he leaves me a five-dollar tip on an eight-dollar bill.

  “Pretty soon I’ll have the money to take you out to dinner,” I tell Declan that night while counting my tips.

  “I want you to take me somewhere nice. Romance me, Adam. I think I deserve that after putting up with these shitty movies.”

  Leaning closer, I nuzzle my smooth jaw against his bearded one. “I’m picking the crappiest horror movie I can find for tomorrow. In fact, until you stop distracting me through the movies, I refuse to pick anything good.”

  “Why so cruel?” he asks, faking as if he’s sad. “I just want my man to treat me sweet.”

  Declan ends up laughing before he gets out the last word. Every day, he loosens up more around me. I think of what Maura said about Declan hiding in his head, and she isn’t wrong. He watches everyone, silently judging them. The man really just wants to disappear into the crowd so people will leave him alone.

  Of course, Declan can’t avoid standing out in Haystack when he had a man riding bitch behind him. Sooner or later, he’ll need to fess up that I’m not his cousin from out of town or a kid he’s helping out. Until he does, I can’t imagine our evenings fooling around on the couch will lead to anything with our pants off.

  Namely, Declan needs to find a way to link his hidden life with me to his older life in Haystack.

  “I’m taking Eric to the park tomorrow to shoot hoops,” Declan says one evening while cutting cabbage. “I asked what he wanted to do, and that was his choice.”

  Swallowing roughly, I take a deep breath before asking, “Can I come along?”

  Declan stops cutting halfway through the next chunk of cabbage. He glances at me before returning to the meal. “Why would you want to?”

  “I want to know your family.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to pretend you’re not ashamed of making out with me every night.”

  Setting aside the knife, Declan crosses his arms and gives me his angry, biker death stare. Unfortunately for him, I’m no longer affected by it.

  “I’m not ashamed of shit.”

  “Then why haven’t you wanted your kids to meet me? Or your club?”

  “Now you want to meet my club brothers?”

  “Did you think I hadn’t noticed how a few came in the other day and you didn’t even introduce your live-in boyfriend?”

  “Is that your name now?” he growls. “Live-in boyfriend, Adam Douglas?

  “Sure. It’s better than you pretending I don’t exist.”

  “You work in my restaurant. People see and talk to you nearly every day. How am I hiding you?”

  “Having Dave know me isn’t the same as introducing me to your kids. I’m not saying I need to be invited to holiday dinners, but I’d like your kids to know I exist.”

  Declan shakes his head, and I see him shutting down. He returns to cutting cabbage, saying nothing until we sit in the living room with plates full of corned beef and cabbage.

  “Tell me if my food is better than the pub’s,” Declan says in a weak attempt to start a conversation.

  “Are you embarrassed by me or just scared your kids won’t approve of you?”

  Declan exhales deeply. “Eric and I have never talked about my interest in men,” he says, staring at the TV and refuses to look at me. “A few years ago, Emma talked to me about finding a new wife, just like her mom found a new man. I never came out and said I wanted a man, but I made it pretty clear I had no interest in a woman. She understood without me spelling it out. Hell, she even hinted that a new teacher at her school was gay and single.”

  “You want me to expect more and stand up for myself. This is what I need from you,” I say, nudging my shoulder into his. “I’m not saying I need a huge deal made about us when I meet your kids or club brothers. Just introducing me to them as your boyfriend is really enough. Baby steps.”

  “People in Haystack aren’t as open-minded as those in Indy.”

  “People are assholes everywhere. Realistically, people are already gossiping about us. Why not put the truth out there so they can gossip to our faces?”

  “No offense, Adam, but that’s easy for you to say. These people are nothing to you. If they turn their backs on you or give you shit, your life won’t change. They’re my family, though.”

  “That’s true on the surface maybe, but I’m falling in love with the guy whose life will change. Meaning it does matter to me.”

  Declan smiles just a hint, clearly torn between the fear of coming out and the enjoyment of knowing he has me wrapped ar
ound his beefy fingers.

  “I’ll think about it,” he finally says before adding, “Let me get used to the idea, okay?”

  “Take your time.”

  Declan nods, and the tension in his brow eases. “How do you like dinner?”

  “Better than the pub’s. Maybe you ought to buy it and make it Declan’s Pub instead.”

  “I’m too lazy to add more work to my day.”

  “Is that your way of saying you won’t come out to the world anytime soon?”

  “No, it’s my way of saying I don’t want my life to change too fast.”

  “How about it changes slowly by my coming along while you two shoot hoops? No big announcements. You only have to introduce me to your son. It’s a tiny step. We can bring Abbott, and I’ll leave you and Eric to play while I goof around with the dog. Simple. Easy. No stress. Does that sound manageable?”

  Declan gives me a dirty look even while nodding. I get why he’s reluctant to stir up problems in his life, but hiding hasn’t left him happy all these years. He resents keeping secrets, so I plan to help him slowly—ever so slowly—to get honest with the people he loves.

  ♂◈ Declan ◈♂

  For all Adam’s talk about wanting to meet Eric today, he’s sweating bullets from the moment he walks from his room that morning. He changes his shirt three times and redoes his hair twice.

  “You’re not going on a date,” I say when he keeps styling his hair.

  Adam shoots me a pissed, worried look. “I haven’t had my hair this short in a while,” he mumbles and reaches up to mess with his bangs. “It feels off.”

  Rolling my eyes, I run my fingers over my recently trimmed beard. We went to the salon last night so Adam could get a haircut. I ended up having a trim too. Now we’re perfectly done up for a trip to the park.

  “You look perfect,” I say and hand Adam the leash for Abbott. “Let’s go before Eric gets his boxers in a twist over my showing up late.”

  Adam follows me down the stairs and around the alley to where I keep my busted, old white SUV parked.

  “Can you drive?” I ask after getting Abbott into the back seat.

  “Yeah. Well, I don’t have a license, but I know how to drive.”

  “Add getting your license to the list of shit you need to do. If you can drive from point A to point B without hitting anything, you can use the SUV.”

  “And you didn’t think of this until now?”

  “Sure,” I murmur while hiding a smirk, “but I hadn’t wanted you messing with my car. It’s a clunker, but it’s mine.”

  “And you worried I’d crash it or steal it?”

  “In the beginning, I thought you might steal it. Then I thought you might crash it. If you were to crash my SUV now, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.”

  Adam grins at my comment but won’t stop cracking his knuckles.

  “Eric not liking you isn’t a deal breaker either,” I say when we stop at a light. “I’m sure he’ll like you fine, but if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. I probably won’t like his girlfriend when he finally cons a chick into dating him.”

  “I’m fucking nervous,” Adam says as if I’m blind, deaf, and dumb.

  “Don’t be. Just get in the back seat, smile like a pretty bitch, and make sure Abbott doesn’t gnaw on anything back there.”

  “Can do.”

  Adam nearly jumps out of the SUV when we pull to the curb in front of Maura and the kids’ house.

  “Settle down,” I tell him as he scoots next to Abbott.

  Before Adam responds, I catch sight of Eric walking out of the front door. My kid has to round up Costello who decides to run for the street as usual. I whistle at the dog, startling him enough to send him back to the house for cover.

  Eric shuts the dog inside and hurries to the SUV. I smile at the boy who looks like a softer version of me. Though he’s got my basic build, Eric was blessed with his mom’s gentle eyes and sweet smile.

  “Hey, Dad,” he says in a voice still changing.

  “How are you doing?” I ask as he opens the car door and slides inside.

  “Fine,” he says, reaching back to pet Abbott.

  Awkwardness hangs in the car when Eric and Adam stare at each other. I quickly introduce them. Son meet boyfriend, boyfriend meet son. Isn’t this fun?

  “Adam’s coming with us so Abbott can get time to run around.”

  “Okay,” Eric says, sounding edgy.

  The drive is short, but the five minutes are painfully awkward. I throw a million questions at Eric while he mumbles his answers. In the back seat, Adam stares at Abbott like she’ll save him from the situation he begged to be put in.

  Only a few people are scattered around the park on this cool morning. I park and get out in a hurry. In my head, shooting hoops will fix the unease between Eric and me. He must think so too because he rushes toward the courts.

  I get the ball out of the trunk and step onto the walkway where Adam stands with Abbott.

  “This was a mistake,” Adam whispers.

  “Shut up,” I say and caress his bottom lip, red from him chewing on it. “You take a walk with the dog. I’ll talk to Eric. Everything will be fine.”

  “I shouldn’t have pushed things.”

  Grinning at his worried face, I shake my head. “I’m the one who should be freaking the fuck out here. Now settle your shit and get walking. Abbott gets tired easily. By the time she does, Eric will be bored of playing. It’ll work out. Now don’t make me say that again.”

  Adam gives me a grudging smile and starts down a pathway toward the playground. I walk to where Eric waits.

  “About Adam,” I say, tossing the ball to Eric.

  “He’s your boyfriend. I already know.”

  “You did, huh?”

  “Mom told me weeks ago.”

  “Of course, she did,” I mutter.

  Eric throws the ball which circles the rim before falling outside. “She sat down Emma and me to tell us about Adam. She said we needed to be supportive so you would open your heart and not die alone.”

  “Hell,” I grumble.

  Eric laughs. “She was even crying a little when she said, ‘Your dad will die young without love. We need to help him to be happy.’ It was pretty lame, but I’m glad she told us so you didn’t have to give the speech. No offense, she’s better at that thing.”

  “Yeah, she is. So, you’re okay with this?”

  Eric shrugs, again failing to make a basket. “It doesn’t really matter. Mom has Dan. Why shouldn’t you be with someone too?”

  I glance back at where Adam tries to get Abbott to run with him. She takes a few fast steps before stopping and giving up. I smile at how Adam wants her to give into her racing heritage, but the dog is lazy and only wants to smell every spot other dogs have pissed on.

  “He’s a good man,” I tell Eric. “I don’t know if your mom told you that.”

  “She said he was young and cute and you could do worse.”

  “Your mother kills me sometimes.”

  “I think she feels guilty,” Eric says, surprising me. “People always ask if you’re seeing anyone and I know they’re hinting about how she got married so fast. One of my friends said something about how his parents dated people for a long time after they got divorced. You know, not like my mom shacked up immediately. Anyway, I think that’s why she’s so happy you’re dating someone.”

  “How did Emma take the news?”

  “She didn’t really care. The loser she has a crush on at school likes someone else. Nothing else matters right now.”

  “Any girls on your radar?” I ask, wanting to change the subject from my awkward love life to his awkward love life.

  “I like to look, but dating looks like a lot of drama. I wouldn’t mind kissing girls if I didn’t have to carry their books or listen to them gossip.”

  “It’s a package deal. Like how girls end up listening to us talk about cars or sports. Nothing’s free.”

  “No,” he says, so
unding genuinely disappointed that life wasn’t fair.

  “Adam is low drama, and your mom was never gossipy. I’ve been lucky in life.”

  “Is it easier with two guys?”

  “I don’t know. Adam’s the first guy I’ve dated, but we don’t agree on everything. We’re still people.”

  “What do you disagree about?”

  “He has horrible taste in movies.”

  “What does he like?”

  “Horror movies.”

  “That’s cool actually.”

  The ball I shoot bounces against the backboard before falling inside the rim. Eric grabs and bounces it while glancing at Adam.

  “What kind of horror movies?”

  “Why don’t you ask him when we’re back in the car? He’s nervous about meeting you. This’ll give you something to talk about.”

  Eric hands me the ball and keeps looking at where Adam sits on a bench with Abbott sniffing nearby.

  “Will you have kids?”

  Nearly choking on my gum when I hear his question, I can’t even imagine why Eric would ask such a thing.

  “Is that your mom asking?”

  “No. I am.”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  Eric shrugs, looking nervous now. “When Mom first got married, I used to think it would be fun to have another brother or sister, but now I don’t want one.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t worry.”

  “Adam is young. He might want kids.”

  “He’s still figuring out his own life. I don’t think he wants to add a tiny person to his responsibilities.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “No, but I’m pretty fucking close to being sure.”

  “Good,” Eric says in a grumpy tone I’ve heard from myself many times.

  “So, if Adam wanted a kid and I knew how to make that happen, you’d be pissed?”

  “Yeah, but I’d get over it.”

  “Good, but let’s not mention the kid thing to Adam,” I say, glancing at where my man now chases a hyper Abbott. “He can’t even figure out how to handle our lazy dog.”

  Eric laughs at the sight of Adam chasing Abbott who somehow manages to yank her leash free. They make a few circles around a nearly empty jungle gym before he realizes she’s running because he’s chasing. As soon as he stops and squats, she runs to him and pants in his face.