I was about to lean into my fury and ream Tom out, but my fucking phone rang again. This time it was my mother’s ringtone. I thought of just letting it go to voicemail. But my concern for her won out.
I took the call while I glared at Tom who looked like he was starting to realize just how badly he’d fucked up. The terrified look on his face did not mollify my anger in the slightest.
“Hey, Mama,” I said, not giving a fuck about how angry I sounded.
“Milito, did Cindy call you?” Excellent, now my mom was all up to date.
“Si.” That word came out so laden with frustration, I was surprised I could choke it out. My mom was silent for a few beats as if she was trying to figure out what was going on with me, finally she spoke into the phone.
“Papi, please don’t be angry at Tom. I know how much you value your independence, but he was just trying to help. You’ve been going nonstop for weeks and he could do this for you,” she said in a pleading voice. “You need to let people help you, son. It’s not always on you to fix everything.”
I sighed and avoided looking at Tom. If anything, my mother feeling she needed to intercede for his overbearing behavior only made me angrier.
“Okay, Ma. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Are you at Tom’s?”
“Mama, por favor.” I was hanging on to my patience by the thinnest of threads.
She finally ended the call with a worried, “Okay, Milito.”
Before I talked to Tom again I took a moment to breathe, and was still trying to get it together when he started talking.
“Camilo, I—”
So much for calming myself.
I held up my hand at him shaking my head hard. “No. I do not want to hear it, Tom.”
I took off my backpack then, because I needed to move. “I don’t know how, after all the conversations we’ve had, after the night of the concert, you would think I’d be fine with you doing this. I don’t need reasons from you, I know the reason. You did it because you knew once it was done, I wouldn’t be able to give it back.”
His face turned paler with every word out of my mouth.
“No, Camilo. I did it because I wanted to help. Mi amor, I’m worried about you. You’ve been running yourself ragged. I’ve barely seen you in the last few weeks and when you’re here you’re just so tired.” His shoulders sagged as he looked at me with a helpless expression on his face. “And it’s just money, baby. That I have. I could make this easier for you.”
“Oh no. Do not make this about me, Tom. This is about you not getting attention.” I scoffed and threw my hands up as I glared at him. “I get it now.” I snarled at him. “That’s how you managed this perfect act so long. It’s easy to be Mr. Compromise as long as you keep getting what you want.”
I started listing off things with my fingers as I ranted at him. “You decided you wanted to see me and made those bullshit weekly meetings happen. When you were ready to take the whole thing to the bedroom, I went along with that too. The moment you were ready for me to meet Libe, there I was.” I cocked my head at his confused expression. “So now you’re not getting your QT and you do what? You throw money at it.” I shook my head in disgust. “Compromise is not always getting your way, Tom, that’s called manipulation.”
“Camilo, that’s not fair. We were in this together. Things went further with us because we both wanted it. Because we make each other happy. Because we love each other.”
I knew I was being unfair and hurtful but I didn’t care. He’d taken away my agency with his lazy ass attempt at helping, and I didn’t know if I could walk this off.
Tom tried again, this time his voice pleading. “I just wanted to ease things for you. Try to take off some of the burden you’re carrying all on your own.”
I couldn’t believe Tom and his bullshit.
“What do you think I’m doing here, Tom?” I asked waving my hand around the room. “Why do you think I came to spend the weekend with you? Because I am stressed, I am tired, and when I feel like this, relaxing and watching a movie with my boyfriend helps. I’m not here so you can be my fucking sugar daddy and pay my rent like your kept boy.” I was screaming and I didn’t care.
“Camilo, don’t make it about that.”
I shook my head in disbelief, because this motherfucker really was trying me. “Making it about what, Tom? Money? You’re the one that made this about money. I’ve never indicated to you in any way it was appropriate for you to pay for anything on my behalf. I’m not Maxwell, who you can just ignore and then try to appease by getting him shit or letting him do whatever he wants with your money.”
Tom looked desperate and scared, but I could not find it in me to relent. If I folded on this now, I would spend my life giving into him.
“Please tell me how I can make this right, Camilo. I truly thought this would make things easier for you. I just. I don’t know.” He put both his hands in his hair, pulling hard. “Fuck. Why does everything have to be black and white with you, mi amor? Why can’t you ever give an inch?”
Before I knew it I’d rushed up to him, almost crashing into his body, until we were standing an inch apart. We were so close I had to look up to see his face, and I let him see mine. I let him take a close look at the hurt and humiliation I was feeling.
“I don’t give an inch, Tom? Is that what you just said to me? I risked my job, the renovation project to be with you. I’m not sure if you’ve already forgotten this given your financial situation, but some of us can’t pay for rent and food if we lose our jobs.” I slapped the palm of my hand against my chest as I spoke. Tom just stood there silent.
“I could have lost my employment, messed up my standing with my boss and the agency, which would have been fucking devastating. And I did it anyway, because I wanted to be with you. Because I fell in love with you. Because I thought I’d finally found someone who could see me.”
My voice broke then and I knew tears were not far behind. “Someone who understood me and could be kind to those parts of me other people find so hard to deal with.”
Tom shuddered, and looked like he was struggling to get words out. “I could not keep watching you kill yourself, mi vida. You have to understand, I didn’t know what else to do.”
I shook my head, backing away.
“No, using your money to fix a problem is not showing love. It’s a transaction. And you know what hurts the most? I still think you know me and that you do get me, but you did this anyway, because it was easy.” I laughed then and it sounded so hollow. “I thought all those times before in relationships when people did or said thoughtless things had been painful, but this—”
I was gasping for air so I could speak.
“Tom, you chose to do something you knew would hurt me, hurt us.”
I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them I saw Tom’s face was streaked with tears. When he pulled me into his arms I just let him hold me. From where I was standing, I could see the painting with the street scene from Ethiopia. Today with the room only lit by a reading lamp, the bodies which always looked so bright and full of energy seemed lifeless, downtrodden. I closed my eyes and tasted salt as I licked my dry lips.
Tom put his mouth on my neck and begged. “Perdoname mi amor, por favor. I’m so sorry.”
I stayed there until my breathing went back to normal and just as Tom was trying to hold me tighter, I pushed him away, shaking my head.
“No, no. You can’t make this better by kissing me and telling me you love me.” I turned around wiping my eyes, then picked up my backpack and started for the door. He made like he was about to follow, but I held up my hand.
“I need you to understand something, Tom. I love you. I would do almost anything to be with you, but I will not tolerate what you did today ever again. You put me in an impossible position and you did it by putting money at the center of ou
r relationship. If you can’t see why this would hurt me, then you need to figure it out, or I don’t know if we can come back from this.”
I walked out of Tom’s house feeling skinned. Completely exposed and raw. Flayed by the hurt of knowing in the end Tom had taken everything he knew about me and set it aside. What I’d said to him was the truth, this felt like nothing ever had before. I was scared too, because deep down I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from him, even if he didn’t fix what he’d broken today.
Tom
Priya, Sanjay and Henock came to my house at some point after Camilo left. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting in my living room, but when they came in, the house was completely dark. I heard someone turn on a lamp, and then Priya came and knelt in front of me, her face full of worry.
“What happened, Tom? Camilo texted me saying we should come and check on you.”
I laughed bitterly at that, hating myself. Even after he dumped me for being a thoughtless asshole, Camilo still made sure there was someone there to take care of me.
“Where’s Kalyani?” I asked when I didn’t see the baby.
Priya waved her hand in the direction of their house. “She’s with the nanny. We’re finally giving it a try. I’m going back to work in a few weeks, so we need to get her settled with someone, now that my mom went back home.”
Sanjay sat down across from me and asked again. “What’s wrong, Tom?”
I nodded and opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again and when I spoke I sounded so wooden and flat I could barely recognize my own voice.
“I think Camilo broke up with me.”
Priya’s eyes widened and she looked around as if trying to figure out if Heni and Sanjay had any idea of what was going on. “What, why?”
I put my head in my hands. “I didn’t take your advice.” I just sat there not explaining, not wanting to say what happened.
I sighed, feeling so fucking awful. Because Camilo was right. This whole time he’d been the one taking risks, going out on a limb again and again to move our relationship forward.
What did I have to lose really? And when he really needed my support, when he was at his breaking point, instead of asking him what I could do to make it better. I insisted on doing the one thing he’d asked me not to. I turned to look at Priya who was now sitting down on the couch next to me.
“Remember how I mentioned his mom took unpaid leave from work because she was struggling with her depression and needed some time to take care of herself?”
Priya and the guys nodded.
“Well in the end things got complicated. Her rent was increased a while ago and she’d been accumulating the arrears. Taking care of the rent increase basically ate up all of her and Camilo’s savings, and they still needed to figure out rent payments while she was out on leave. Camilo insisted she take the time off and started taking on freelance work to make extra money. This was on top of his job, which is already huge with the renovation project being in the final stages.” I closed my eyes for this part, because every minute that passed, I was more and more frightened I’d done something irrevocable.
“I’ve been asking how I could help, and he kept saying everything was fine. But this week when he was here, he could barely keep his eyes open. He looked so exhausted I was worried for him. So, today I paid the balance for the arrears and covered Dinorah’s rent for the next six months.”
Priya nodded slowly with her brows furrowed, like she suspected where I was going, but didn’t want to believe I’d be that fucking stupid.
“I didn’t tell Camilo before I did it.”
I heard both Sanjay and Henock curse from the couch across from us.
Priya took my hand and shook her head. “Oh, Tom. This is going to be a tough one to fix, my friend.”
I shook my head at her. “I don’t know if it can be fixed.”
She waved her hand dismissing what I’d said.
“Oh you can fix it. You just can’t fix it with money,” she said pointedly. “But you can fix it. Camilo is amazing and is so good for you, Tom. I’ve never in all the years since we’ve known each other seen you this happy or comfortable in your own skin, as you have been in the months you’ve been with him. He’s worth you leaving your pride behind and doing whatever it takes to get him back.”
“I know.” I ran my hands over my face again. “I didn’t think he’d be this angry.”
Priya narrowed her eyes, like I was no longer amusing her.
“Yes you did. If not you would’ve told him beforehand. Clearly, I don’t know Camilo as well as you do, but I know him well enough to know denying or minimizing how bad you messed up are not the way to go.”
“I just wanted to help.” I looked up at Henock and Sanjay trying to get someone to understand. “I thought once the money was paid we’d be able to sit down a moment and he’d—”
Priya cut me off. “Realize you were right all along?” She scoffed. “No, Thomas, that’s not how this works.”
She looked up at Sanjay, and then back at me. “Tom, you took away his agency, his ability to decide for himself what was best for him. That’s not easy for a person who’s used to getting things done on his own. A man like Camilo doesn’t take being undermined like this lightly. You know that, Tom.” I just nodded, drowning in the misery of my own making.
After that she turned to me again and took my hand. “Tom, you know I love you like a brother. The four of us, we’ve been through a lot together.” She smiled sadly. “From rags to riches. The three of you are family. I tell you this because I don’t want you to lose someone you’re meant to be with. You acted like an asshole and now you need to get really comfortable with the floor, because you’re going to need to grovel.”
Priya always managed to get a smile out of me, even at the lowest moments. “I know and I don’t care. I’ll do whatever I need to do. I just need to figure out what.”
“You can figure it out, I know you can. The three of you have made all this money and you’ve all gotten lazy.” The distaste on her face was softened by the gentleness in her voice. “Tom, you are the most thoughtful man I know. You’re kind and brilliant. You can do better than just pulling out your wallet when someone you love needs you.”
She lifted her shoulders and shook her head as if she was exasperated with me. “I can’t speak for Camilo, but I have a feeling he acted the way he did because he felt blindsided and ignored. It’s hurtful and frankly annoying, to see the men we love be as clueless and shallow as to think they know what we need better than we do.”
“I didn’t say I knew better, I just didn’t know what else to do.” She clicked her tongue at me, clearly not buying it.
“Camilo was figuring things out, he had a plan, and even though it was hard, he was doing what he needed to for himself and for his mother. Like he had been all the years before you came along.”
I sighed, leaning my head against the back of the couch. “He told me I didn’t know how to compromise, that I just manipulated situations until I got what I wanted in the end.”
All three of them averted their eyes and my heart sank.
“You need to figure out a way to show him you understand what’s important for him.”
She was right, but how?
Heni spoke next. “I don’t think you’re intentionally getting what you want all the time, but you do rely a lot on people giving in eventually.” He lifted a shoulder. “What is it that you want with Camilo, Tom? Because if you want to be with him for the long term, you’re going to have to figure out another way to deal with things.”
What did I want with Camilo? I hadn’t really asked myself that question, but the answer was instant and clear.
Everything.
I wanted everything and forever with him.
“I want him forever.”
They all smiled at me then
, and Priya kissed my cheek.
“Great answer. We’re all totally happy with this plan. Now, how are you getting him back so this forever thing can get rolling?”
Priya’s words about me showing Camilo I knew what was important to him came to mind and I got an idea.
I stood up and walked upstairs to look for my phone. I had to call Camilo and apologize, to let him know I was going to fight to get him back. Then I would make another call, which would hopefully lead to making amends.
I turned back to my friends, grateful for their presence and their support.
“I have an idea, and I really hope this time I can show him just how much I’m willing to do for him.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Camilo
The messages and missed call notifications on my phone were out of control, after being off the grid for twenty-four hours, people were getting on edge. I’d turned on my phone about an hour ago and was still listening to voicemails.
I’d gotten back home from my blowout with Tom in a fog. I called my mom to tell her I was fine, but that I needed some time to myself. I begged her not to come over or have any of my friends come over until I had time to think. After that I’d just lain in bed, completely numb. Not crying, not angry, just...empty.
I kept playing the fight over and over in my head, how scared Tom looked and how fucked up I’d felt. I knew I needed to talk to him, to give him a chance to at least properly apologize. But I wasn’t ready, not yet. I heard the intercom buzz and got up to answer, dreading having to deal with my friends’ concerned questions.
“Yeah?”
“It’s us, babe. We have wine and other supplies.”
“I don’t know if I’m up to company yet, Ayako.”
Before she had time to answer, Juan Pablo’s loud voice suddenly came over the speaker.
“Camilo Santiago, it’s fucking freezing out here, and this pizza is getting cold. Let us in so we can make you feel better and figure out how you can get back together with this rich douchebag. Come on, pa. My feet are going numb.”
American Fairytale (Dreamers) Page 25