Changing Focus

by Marilu Mann

  “That’s not possible. You know it’s not. Okay, so I can do that. I’ve decided I don’t want to do that. It’s not normal.”

  Micah’s eyes widened as his nostrils flared. “What do you mean you’ve decided? You only recently learned how to shift. It’s not a decision you have to make, it’s part of your life, part of you. You enjoyed yourself, Olivia. I was there. You are a beautiful she-wolf with a sunlight and gold coat. We ran together.” Desperation made his voice pitch sharper than she’d ever heard. “You are like me. You are one of us!”

  Her voice rose as her back and forth pattern speed increased. “I’m not like that, it’s not possible. I can’t do that. I’ve made my decision and that’s final. That monster, yes, monster.” She flung a hand up to stop his response. “That is why my parents died. Who knows, maybe I killed my birth parents too. I have blackouts, you know.”

  “Not anymore.” His voice broke again. “The blackouts won’t happen now that you know what you are. But Liv, you’ve got to learn to control it. If you don’t…”

  The words trailed off into silence as he stared at her. Olivia tried to fill in the blanks. If she didn’t, what? She’d kill again? Her throat began to close as her eyes burned. Shaking her head, she turned away from him.

  Micah got slowly to his feet. He didn’t know what to do, what to say to ease her distress. It hurt him somewhere deep inside that she refused to accept what she was. Finally he reached out and pulled her into his arms, holding tightly to her. The tears startled him at first, but he sat back down, holding her in his arms, letting her cry.

  She’d marked him and she had no idea what that meant. He knew, though, and the fact that he hadn’t been able to stop himself from marking her in kind shamed him. She wouldn’t accept what she was, wouldn’t fully accept her nature, how could they tie themselves together forever as mates under those circumstances? Until she accepted what she was he had no business claiming her as his mate.

  His shifter heritage was strong-a part of who he was, a big part of his life. He’d always known he’d have a shifter mate, someone to share every facet of his life. To have found her and have her not accept what she was…it was unbearable.

  Olivia finally slumped in his arms, sleep a welcome relief to her. He held her still, staring down at the woman he loved. A faint smile curved across his face when a soft snore escaped her. She was so precious to him, so beautiful, and now so much a part of him. How was he going to let her go? He knew she’d leave, knew she wouldn’t even try to accept the truth.

  Micah tightened his grip and his resolve. He got slowly to his feet, moving toward the bed with his precious burden. He put her down, tucking her in and smoothing her hair away from her face. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he backed away from the bed, his eyes still on the woman sleeping there.

  Micah pulled on a pair of jeans and his moccasins and left the room, making his way to his study. It was late, too late, really, to call, but he knew his grandfather would be awake. And the time difference gave him a little leeway. Stoking the fire with one hand, he hit a speed dial on his portable phone.

  “Ya-ta-hey.”

  “Grandfather, it’s Micah.”

  “Grandson, it has been a long time. What troubles you?”

  Micah smiled, just like the old man to get right to the heart of the matter. “I’ve found a mate, Grandfather. A shifter female named Olivia.”

  “You wake an old man in the middle of the night for this? Call me back when the Blessing Way needs to be sung. Call me back when she is pregnant with my great-grandson.”

  “Grandfather, there won’t be a Blessing Way. She doesn’t accept what she is, what I am. She fears it.” Micah waited through the silence, waited while the clock over the mantle ticked the passage of time. When his grandfather spoke again, his voice sounded older, tired. Micah had heard this tone before, when his grandfather spoke of visions.

  “She will be made to understand. She will face an unexpected challenge and she will triumph. Keep the faith, Micah, keep your love strong. Keep your heart strong. She loves you, this woman?”

  “I think she does. She hasn’t said the words.” Micah settled more comfortably in front of the fire.

  “Have you?”

  “No, she won’t hear them from me right now. But I do love her. She is mine, Grandfather, just as I am hers.”

  “For this I’m thankful, Grandson. You will bring this woman to see me soon. We will celebrate the Blessing Way.”

  Micah smiled, knowing his grandfather wouldn’t sleep any more, that he’d be out wandering in the desert and then returning to sit in the sweat lodge before dawn singing and praying. “I will, Grandfather.”

  He hung up after the old man disconnected, then sat staring into the fire. An unexpected challenge? What would that be? Surely his grandfather knew that since he’d claimed Olivia as his mate, Micah wouldn’t allow her to face any problem alone. Maybe the old man’s visions weren’t quite up to par anymore. He’d turned ninety this past summer.

  Micah put the phone away and stretched out on the floor in front of the fire. He’d let Olivia sleep for a bit then wake her with breakfast in bed. Grinning, he thought of some rather creative uses for the homemade maple syrup he would warm up just for her.

  Pushing the shifting could wait for now. He’d let her get used to the idea. They still had to talk about Talia as well. If Olivia were going to accept him as mate, she’d also have to accept shared responsibility for Talia. They’d become an instant family and he wasn’t sure how she’d feel about that. His thoughts chased one another much like the young wolves chased their own tails until sleep claimed him. Dreams of running with Olivia soothed his worried mind.

  It hurt to open her eyes. Olivia scrubbed a fist at them in hopes of knocking the salt loose. Painfully she pried one open then the other. Micah was not in the room but his scent lingered. Rolling on to her stomach, she winced when the bunched blankets hit the sore spot on her neck. She scooted off the bed and stretched.

  “Oh God, what have I done?” Her heart hurt when she realized that she’d done what she’d sworn she’d never do again. She’d drawn blood during sex. And then, instead of leaving as she should have, she’d made love to him again.

  And he’d held on to her instead of pushing her away. Soothed her with gentle touches and strong arms while she’d cried herself to sleep again. Her life was spinning out of control. First this attraction to Micah then the knowledge of what he was-what she was-and then the blood. Olivia shivered as she wrapped her arms around herself.

  “This ends here and now. I won’t let this take over my life. I can’t hurt Micah like that.” Olivia shoved away the knowledge that he’d obviously liked it and returned it. That didn’t matter. He was just responding to her uncontrollable urges. With a firm nod, Olivia slipped out of Micah’s room and headed to her own.

  She stopped by Talia’s room, pausing at the door. The slow, even breathing of a sound-asleep child greeted her. Gareth had obviously brought her home earlier since she hadn’t been here when Olivia had cried herself to sleep in Micah’s arms. She wondered if the child had even awakened during the trip. Resting a hand on the door, she whispered, “Love you, Talia. Grow up strong and know who you are.”

  Tears traced warmth down Olivia’s cheeks as she unplugged her laptop to secure it in its case. She made a call to the car service that had brought her to the lodge then opened her suitcase. As she folded her clothing into the bag, she tried not to notice the occasional water spot. I swear! You’ve cried more here than you have since Mom and Dad died. Swiping a tear from the edge of her mouth, Olivia closed the suitcase.

  Leaving the silk long johns on the bed along with the cap and scarf, she wheeled her suitcase into the hall then picked it up for the suddenly endless trek down the stairs to wait for the car. She knew she’d have to confront Micah. No one could leave or enter the property without him being aware of it.

  He stood in the doorway to the kitchen, a silent statue wit
h arms folded over his chest. His hair hung loose around his face and though his pose might have looked casual, she could smell his tension. The air hung heavy between them as she put her luggage by the front door.

  “You’re leaving?”

  She’d have had to be made of stone not to hear the hurt and disbelief in his voice. His fingers curled around a loose thread on his sweater. She watched as he pulled at the string, almost as though he was trying to pull her back to him. Olivia fought the urge to tell him to stop-it wasn’t her place. She had no right or reason to tell him to do anything. Micah released the string to rub lightly at his chest, reminding her of where her teeth had been scant hours before.

  “I have to. I have to finish my story. I can’t stay here. I can’t be what you want me to be.” Words tumbled over each other as she pulled every sad excuse from her repertoire. Turning her head didn’t alleviate the incredible searing pain that blazed through her.

  Hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do. Which, she reminded herself, is precisely why you’re waiting for a cab to take you as far from him as possible.

  “Why, Olivia? Why are you running? How long can you run from yourself?” He unfolded his arms and walked toward her but stopped when she took a step back. “Liv, this isn’t right. You belong here, with me, with Talia. You’re one of us.”

  “No!” The violence inside her projected into that one syllable. “No, Micah, I am not one of you. Maybe, maybe if I’d been with the right family, maybe then all of this would make sense. All it makes right now is crazy. And I can’t afford crazy in my life. Do you even know how much money I spent in therapy? On medicine to keep me sane?”

  Olivia backed farther away from him until she hit a wall. “I can’t, Micah, and I won’t.”

  A sigh ripped from his lips as his shoulders sagged. “Then that’s that. I can’t make you stay, Olivia. I can’t make you want to be with me.” His voice faded then came back. “I can’t make you be one of us. What about Talia? Will you leave without saying goodbye?”

  Tears misted in her eyes. “Tell her I love her and I’ll call her, okay? I can’t say goodbye to both of you. I’m not that strong.”

  His chin sunk to his chest then he leveled his gaze at her. “I will always welcome you at my side, Olivia. The mark you left on me will never fade nor will your presence in my heart. I will always-”

  A honk from outside interrupted him and Olivia didn’t wait for him to finish. She couldn’t hear him say those words. If she did, she might stay. Instead, she grabbed her luggage and fled as though the hounds of hell were at her heels.

  Micah didn’t follow her to the car although she half expected him to. Or hoped. No, not hoped. That implied she wanted to stay and she couldn’t. She wouldn’t trust what was inside her ever again. Leaning back against the vinyl seats, Olivia gave in to the tears she’d held back in front of Micah. She was leaving the man she loved-the child who had stolen her heart when she wasn’t looking. She was leaving the only real home she’d ever found.

  Micah stood in the lifeless kitchen until he could no longer hear the motor. Until he was sure he wouldn’t shift and chase her down to drag her back. The savage beast wailing inside him begged him to go after his mate. He had to resist. She had made her choice. Now he had to piece his shattered world back together.

  Setting himself to start breakfast, Micah turned to the coffeepot and caught a movement from the doorway.

  “Micah? Is everything okay?”

  Gareth’s voice carried compassion. Micah knew he knew everything wasn’t okay. Lifting his head, he stared at his friend.

  “She’s gone.” The stark words raked razors down his throat but they had to be said-had to be released so he could begin to deal with the loss of his mate.

  “I know, Micah. I knew when I hit the door. You want to talk about it or do you want it to be business as usual? Your call.”

  The unexpected sympathy knocked Micah off balance. He sought for control as he took a breath and sent the unsteadiness deep into his soul where he could deal with it later.

  “What do you have for me, Gareth?”

  Gareth read him a few messages that had come in on the answering service, then dove into some repairs some of the cabins needed. Micah tried his best to focus, but couldn’t.

  “Sorry, Gareth.” Micah’s words halted Gareth’s seemingly unending litany of things to do. “I know I said business, but I can’t focus. I’m going for a run. Will you keep an eye out for Talia? She should be up soon.”

  Not waiting for a response, Micah shed his clothes on the way out. He knew it was irresponsible but he also knew Gareth would pick them up. Right now he didn’t care about fair or right or anything other than running until the pain was gone. He thought he might have to run until he collapsed for that to happen.

  He found no joy in the wind whipping past him because there was no sunlight-coated female at his side. That brief moment of joy seemed long gone in the face of this emptiness. Tilting his head, he gave voice to the grief he felt as snow whipped past his churning paws. Answering howls told him his Pack heard but wouldn’t interfere. They grieved with him even though he didn’t accept his place as Alpha and even though they didn’t know the true source of his grief. The thought humbled him.

  Racing against the loss was a losing battle and Micah finally admitted that to himself. He slowed to a lope and turned back for the lodge. Talia. He had to let Talia know. Then he had to convince Olivia of what he knew to be the truth.

  He could no more live without Olivia than be without his true nature. She’d just have to get used to him and Talia being around. He had to go to New York to convince her to come back to them. He and Talia needed Olivia.

  With the lodge in sight, Micah trotted into the barn to shift and dress. He always kept spare clothing in there. Talia was a shifter but she was still a little girl. No need to educate her on the niceties of the human male form just yet. He slid into jeans and a sweatshirt then braided his hair back off his face.

  Gareth met him in the barn. “Micah, we need to talk about those messages.”

  Catching a different scent on Gareth, Micah challenged him. “You’ve been running with another Pack? What is this? Don’t talk to me about business, Gareth. Who do I smell on you?”

  Head turned and eyes down, the other man stuttered, “It’s not what you think. They aren’t Pack. They’re wild. I ran with them just to feel…” His voice trailed off.

  “Dammit, Gareth, how many times have we talked about this? This Pack doesn’t care about your scars. I won’t allow it. You know that.”

  Gareth’s voice weighed heavy with pain. “You won’t allow it, Micah? That’s great. Don’t you see? They don’t accept me for who I am. They accept me for who you are. That’s not a Pack. That’s pity. And it’s not what I miss, what I want or what I need.”

  Slashing his hand down, Gareth turned his back to Micah. Shoulders sagging, he whispered, “Like you, I grew up in a Pack, Micah. I’ve only ever lived with other shifters. Now none of them will accept me. Even the kids are scared of me. You saw how Talia was at first. It wasn’t until you told her not to be scared that she even came near me. Dammit, Micah, can’t you see? I have no place in this world that you haven’t made for me as Alpha of this Pack.”

  It was automatic. “I’m not Alpha, Gareth. And they would accept you if you would let them get to know you. You’re practically a lone wolf now. And you know the Pack definitely won’t allow that.”

  Gareth laughed bitterly. “I’m the lone one? You just told me for about the hundredth time that you aren’t my Alpha. So how can you speak for this Pack? How can you stand there and tell me what they will and won’t accept? Until you take your rightful place as our leader, as our Alpha, Micah, you have no right to tell me mine.”

  Turning on his heel, Gareth faced Micah and looked him in the eye. “Yeah, Micah, I mean that. I’m not challenging you, we both know that would be total stupidity on my part, but until you accept your place, I
can’t see you giving me any more advice or guidance. You’re avoiding your responsibilities to the Pack but expecting them-me-to go along with your decisions.”

  He shook his head, looking down at the ground again. “I’m done. I need to get away from here for a while. I’ll ask Jonah to come in from the reservation to see to the things that need to be done around here. He’s not busy and he’s learned a lot from working with me while you’re gone. Just got one person moving in over there and they won’t be here for a few months. As soon as things are settled with him, I’m leaving.”

  Micah opened his mouth then closed it. In a strange way it made sense to him. Gareth was right. Micah paused-or had been up until a few days ago when Olivia and Talia had shown him what Pack could be. Stretching his head up and back, he rolled his shoulders.

  “Then go, Gareth. But don’t run with the wilds again.”

  “Why not? They give me more acceptance than I’ve found recently among my own kind.”

  Watching his friend leave only increased the pain he felt. First Olivia leaving him and now Gareth choosing this time to call him on his lack of leadership. He knew in his heart that there was a point to the accusation. By not holding councils or participating in Pack Gatherings other than the full moons, he continually fought the yoke of leadership.

  Biting back the howl of frustration bubbling up inside him, Micah headed for the lodge. He had to tell Talia about Olivia-had to make a six-year-old understand why her friend had left without saying goodbye.

  And then he had to concentrate his energy on getting Olivia back. Only then could he figure out his place in this Pack, whether he was truly fit to be their Alpha or if he should insist on turning that responsibility over to someone else.

  Chapter Nine

  Tires crunching on the snow alerted Micah to a visitor. Who the hell is that? I canceled all the reservations. Dammit, if that’s Pete come again to tell me I need to step in as Alpha, I swear I’ll shift and bite him so he can’t sit down for a week.