Out of the Ashes

by S. M. Lynn

  “What the hell is going on? You haven’t had a nightmare in forever. At least not like that. When I first walked in, it looked like you couldn’t breathe. I was trying to wake you but you wouldn’t wake up. You have me really fucking scared here.”

  “Oh Gavin,” I throw my arms around him. Not only do I have to deal with the loss of Ian but to top it off, the nightmares have returned with a vengeance. “I’m so sorry to have scared you. It was just a nightmare; it’s over now. I’m sorry to have woken you.” My chest is still wracked by sobs from the remnants of my nightmare.

  “Dammit Celeste, stop fucking apologizing to me. I let this shit go when you had them after first moving in. You seemed so broken when we first met, so sad. But not this time, you’re going to fucking tell me what all this is about. And don’t you dare even say that it was just a nightmare and you don’t remember. You and I both fucking know that this goes way deeper than some fucking nightmares.”

  Looking at Gavin, I think about telling him. He’s angry and I don’t blame him but is his anger a good enough reason to share this with him? What would it be like to not have to carry this secret any more? To let someone into my trust completely? There are so many questions and so many things that could go horribly wrong if he were to know. Knowing that my sanity is teetering on the edge and if a light breeze blew I’d be sent toppling down. I take a deep breath and look at Gavin, spilling the whole story. I tell him everything about the year leading up to Lauren’s death and then I continue and tell him how she died too. When I finish several boxes of tissues later, Gavin pulls me into his chest and holds me. “Shit Celeste, I had no idea.”

  “Gav, how could you? I understand if you don’t want me living here anymore.”

  “Stop it right now. There’s no way I want you anywhere but right here with me. You only did what you had to do. Don’t blame yourself for wanting to live. You’re crazy if you think I would let you go anywhere. I just can’t… I mean… I always suspected something. I could tell you were scared. The way you always checked out everyone around us. I knew it was way more than merely people watching. And the nightmares… I just never thought it was this bad. Jesus, Celeste. Have you ever talked with anyone about this?” I shake my head no in silent response. I should’ve gotten help right after I left but there was no way I could do that without the risk of being found. There’s nothing left for me to say; I shared all I can so I continue to sit with Gavin and cry into his shoulder.

  Somehow the next morning the sun still manages to rise. I make a quick call to the office and let Danielle know that I’m not feeling well and won’t be in today. Not the furthest thing from the truth since I’m running on about 4 hours of sleep. I figure that will give me until Monday to get something worked out. Once I’m off the phone, I pull the covers back up over my head and try to go back to sleep but my thoughts are plagued by my god of a boss. A few minutes after 8:00 a.m. Gavin peeks into my room. “Hey darling, I thought you were still here. No Mr. Hot Boss today? Not to pry further, but have you told him what we talked about last night?” And at that the water works start all over again. I think about what should have been a beautiful weekend celebrating his mother’s birthday and everything else with Ian that will never be. “Okay, I wasn’t trying to make you cry again.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that Ian and I…” Everything that happened from seeing them step out of the car together the day I accepted the job right up to yesterday spills from my lips.

  “Fuck. That bastard.” Gavin is fuming. “I should’ve never let you get into that car with him that first night.”

  How can I explain to him that I wanted Ian long before that? “Gav, this isn’t your fault. You did warn me and, as you also said, I read page six just as thoroughly as you. I know his reputation. I just fell a lot further than I ever thought I would with anyone.”

  He spends what seems like a lifetime comforting me. “Well babe, there’s only one cure for a broken heart and I’m afraid you are not going to like it… Actually I think this particular remedy may have several parts.” I can tell from his smile that I’m either going to really enjoy whatever he’s about to say or be really shocked. “It starts first with a yoga class this morning, where we just happen to have the hottest new instructor. I mean he’s truly delicious. I was saving him for myself but I can share the eye candy. Then we head to the spa for some pampering. I’ll have mother pull some strings. Once we’re plucked and rubbed within an inch of our lives, we’ll get fabulously dressed and have a wonderful dinner followed by clubbing until that little ass of yours falls off. Then tomorrow night I have the best surprise for you as Ian is not the only one who ‘earned’ an invite to Marlene’s fabulous birthday bash. You forget whom I work with and how much that woman loves me. She already told me about the whole weekend and you know what I say, I say we go to that party and you hold your head up and show that bastard exactly what he’ll be missing without you.”

  “I knew there was a reason you were my best friend. But I’m not sure I’m ready to see him yet. And I don’t know that it would be appropriate to attend his mother’s birthday since we’re no longer together.”

  “Darling, I’m allowed a plus one and there’s no one I would like to take with me besides you. Every other man there will be green with envy. And besides what are friends for if they can’t get you drunk and take you dancing? Oh and you know the saying the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

  “I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening but all the rest of it sounds like a perfect distraction. And then tomorrow, well we can play that by ear, okay? Or do you need to call Marlene to change your RSVP?”

  “Sure thing. No, I already told Marlene I was attending and I’m sure she was expecting you at least until yesterday. So when we both show up, because I’m dragging your butt out to that party, we’ll definitely be expected.” I kiss him on the cheek and head into the closet to get changed for the gym.

  As yoga class wraps up, I’m thoroughly thankful to Gavin for dragging me out this morning. It’s just what I need. I grab my water bottle to get a drink before heading off to the showers when Mr. Hot Instructor approaches me. “I’m glad you could join us today. Will you be coming to class from now on?”

  “Oh no, I’m not a member; my friend,” I gesture over to Gavin, “gets me guest passes sometimes and drags me to yoga with him.” I try to smile and sound light hearted when I feel anything but.

  “I see. So I won’t get to see more of you here then.” He gives me a once over from head to toe. “He drags you here, huh? That’s surprising because your moves are very fluid and your flexibility is amazing.”

  I blush, “Well thank you. I didn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it; just that working out in a class is not really my thing. But I do enjoy yoga. I feel like I’m pushing my body to its limits.”

  “You obviously work out though, so if you’re not into classes what do you do?”

  “I prefer running. I can slip in my ear buds, get lost in the music and pound the pavement. It’s solitary but rejuvenating.” I can’t help but smile when I think about it. I don’t really run for the exercise, that’s just a nice side effect, but more for the freedom I feel. And the solitude, the time alone with my thoughts has always been therapeutic for me.

  “Since I can’t depend on seeing you here again, maybe we can go for dinner?”

  Wow he doesn’t waste any time, does he? “I don’t know. It might not be the best time…”

  “I just want to get to know you better.” Thinking it through, I don’t want to go out alone with a complete stranger. I realize that’s the point of a first date but how do I know he’s not a serial killer or something.

  Going for the lesser of all evils, “Well, Gav and I are planning to go to Webster Hall tonight if you would like to meet us there. We should get there around 10:00 p.m.” He says he’ll definitely find me there and we exchange numbers.

  “No fair!” Gavin pouts and threatens to call off the
spa trip. “I saw him first. Why do you have to steal all the good ones? First Mr. Hot Boss and now Mr. Hot Instructor.” I glare at him. “Okay bad choice of words, why do you steal all the hot ones? Is that better?”

  “Much, I thought I was going to have to beat your ass right here on the street.” I’m smiling at him now. “Now you must take me to the spa to make it up to me.”

  The spa is just what I need to relax before we head to dinner. Gavin got us reservations at Masa. I guess between his mother and his modeling he really knows people. The restaurant is very intimate and I feel a small pang of sadness for the loss of Ian. Once they start bringing the sushi, I decide to shake off my mood and have a good time. After our leisurely dinner and a few glasses of sake, we head over to Webster Hall.

  Hitting the VIP line, I give Gavin a look that says what the hell are we doing. “Don’t worry babe, I got this.”

  I look up at the bouncer and see Brett smiling over at Gavin. “Change of scenery?” I ask him as he leads us through.

  “Yeah, it was time to change things up. And this place is killer. So enjoy. Oh and Gavin, look me up before you leave we have some catching up to do.”

  “Well, you can’t be mad at me anymore, seeing as you have Mr. Hot Bouncer. Now go buy me a drink.” I shoo him away from the table up to the bar. Music is thumping through my body and I’m called to the dance floor but I wait for Gavin to return. “So how did you score all this? Reservations at one of the city’s most exclusive restaurants and now VIP access to Webster Hall.”

  “Oh doll, I told you, I have my ways.” He winks at me and that’s all the answer I get. “Now drink up because I want to hit the dance floor.” I’m already warm from the sake and this drink goes down way too easy. I’ll have to pace myself if I’m going to make it through the night coherent. After a few more minutes, we head to the dance floor.

  Somehow in the sea of bodies, Tyler, aka Mr. Hot Instructor, finds us. He smiles as he slides over toward me giving Gavin a wave. “This place is crazy,” he shouts over the thumping bass. “I looked for you at the bar but couldn’t find you.”

  “Sorry, Gavin somehow scored VIP access. Come back to the booth and have a drink?”

  A lazy smile plays on his lips. “Sure.” It’s a little quieter off the dance floor and definitely less sweaty but my legs still move to the beat as we order a couple drinks and head to the table. It’s hard not to think of the last time I was in a club like this and the things that Ian and I did. But I’m not going to let him ruin my night. Tyler turns toward me and places his hand on the small of my back; the gesture is casual but I still stiffen slightly at his touch.

  Only 24 hours ago, I would have had to worry about Tyler’s safety; now there’s no one to stop him but me and frankly I don’t have the energy. Tyler’s a nice guy and very nice to look at on top of it. We chat a little bit about his work at the gym, where not only does he teach yoga but he works as a personal trainer. When the conversation moves to my job, I’m not sure what to say but technically I didn’t get fired and I didn’t quit so I guess I still work there. “I’m Ian Jacobs’ personal assistant.”

  “Really,” he says and I can tell he knows exactly whom I’m talking about. “I’ve heard he’s quite the ladies man, any truth to that?” I’m not sure what he’s fishing for but he won’t be getting any stories from me.

  “I really wouldn’t know. I’m just the assistant.” Tyler looks down at me but he’s staring more at my lips than anything else. I know what’s coming and I can’t tell if I want to stop it or not. It would be so nice to move on, forget Ian and just lose myself in this man. But that is just not possible. Ian is ingrained in me, burned into my very soul and there will be no getting rid of him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of his spell and that just makes this even harder because there’s no way I can be with a man who would lie to me. The irony of that statement isn’t lost on me but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s something between him and Rebecca that he didn’t tell me about.

  Before I can say anything else, I feel the air change. “Oh sweetheart,” I hear him purr into my ear, “you have to know you are so much more than that.” His fingers brush my neck and down my arm. Chill bumps break out over my skin and the familiar tingle he always causes hums through my body.

  What the hell? Ian extends his hand to Tyler, “Ian Jacobs.” Somehow he manages to introduce himself with a smile. His calm composure has my head spinning. I didn’t think it would be that easy for him to dismiss me from his life but maybe everything he said was nothing but pretty words. “And you are?”

  “Tyler Mason. Nice to meet you.” He grasps Ian’s hand, giving him a firm handshake.

  Turning to me, Ian says, “Celeste, would you like to dance?”

  “Thanks but as you can see, I’m having a drink with Tyler.” I can’t, no I won’t, do this here. How did he know where I was? Oh god, this night just crashed and burned and now I’m putting poor Tyler in the middle. While he is nice, there’s no way there could be anything between us not when my heart still belonged to the god standing on my left. I feel guilty for letting Tyler believe that there could be more here.

  “Oh I’m sure Tyler will be fine. Just a couple songs.”

  “Ian, is it?” Tyler says though he knows very well who this is; is he trying to rile him up? “I believe she said she wants to stay here.” Oh please, Tyler you have no idea what you’re getting into; just stay out of it.

  “I do believe I was talking to Celeste.” Ian growls. The calm façade he possessed earlier cracked before my eyes and the anger that was smoldering beneath permeated the air. “Now if you would please remove your hand from my girlfriend; she and I have some things to discuss.”

  Tyler’s mouth drops open. He looks straight at me, “You didn’t mention that you were seeing someone.”

  “That’s because I’m not.” I say looking straight at Ian. “Some people just don’t seem to understand when to quit.” Ian flashes me his panty-dropping smile and as quickly and quietly as he appeared, he leaves the table. I see him head across the VIP area to another table. Has he been sitting there all night? I didn’t notice him when we came in but then again I was quite distracted by the fact that we’re in the VIP area.

  Tyler breaks the tension that now surrounds us, “Well that was… awkward.”

  “Yeah, sorry. I should have been more upfront with you. I think you’re a really nice guy but I’m still dealing with the fallout from my last relationship.” I say nodding my head to Ian. “I am enjoying hanging out with you tonight though.” I smile hoping that will be good enough.

  “No, I get it. No pressure. I just wanted to spend some time with you. Should we go dance or do you think that will cause more problems?”

  “I think he’s taken the hint for now, so yes, let’s dance.” He grabs my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I can practically hear the steam coming out of Ian’s ears. Tyler knows how to move, not as good as Ian, but the man can dance. The longer we’re on the floor the less space there seems to be between our bodies. He grabs onto my hips and pulls me back against him. The feeling of him isn’t the familiar warmth my body is craving. I find myself wishing for Ian’s hands, for Ian’s body to be the one molded to mine. As I continue to dance with Tyler I can’t help but glance to where Ian’s sitting. But he’s no longer there. Feeling a little disappointed, I excuse myself to find the bathroom. Emotions I’ve worked hard all day to keep at bay threaten to spill over. I can’t break down here; besides what good would it do anyway.

  I walk down the long corridor to the bathroom as I round a corner I hear a woman giggle. “Stop, not here.”

  “Yes, here,” says the man with her. I can just make out their silhouettes but from their position it’s very clear what is about to happen. Feeling a little like a creeper for just standing there, I start to turn away. “You like that don’t you, sweetheart?” I hear him say. I would know that voice anywhere. He must hear my heels on the floor because Ian looks up fro
m his companion and his eyes meet mine. A smile plays on his lips but I simply turn and walk back down the hall.

  After a few steps, I find I’m running back toward the dance floor. I find Gavin and frantically explain that I need to leave right now. He’s a little disappointed but takes me out and we get in a cab. Once in the cab, I can no longer contain my hysteria. It pours out of me and I’m mess before we get home. Gavin doesn’t ask what happened; he just helps me inside and into bed. I lie there awake most of the night replaying the scene in my head. Remembering what we’d done in the club in London, I’m once again overcome by grief and loss. How could he do that with someone else so soon? The answer is already in front of me. For him, there was never really anything between us. That realization causes the sobs to come harder from my chest. I fear I’ll drown in my own tears and sadness.

  The next morning Gavin wakes me with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s and two spoons. “So are you ready to tell me what happened last night?”

  I take a large scoop of the ice cream and slowly lick it off the spoon. “Ian was there.” I say with a sigh.

  “Well, New York is big but you are bound to run into him and if I’m not mistaken, you still work for him. So you can’t break down like that every time you see him. Or you’ll have to quit your job.”

  “I saw him...” I don’t even know how to say the words. “...with someone else. In the hallway on the way to the bathroom, they were… Well I’ll let you just use your imagination.” Tears threaten to take over again and huge sobs wrack my body. The bigger problem is the picture of him and her is branded into my consciousness. I see it clear as day and if I happen to close my eyes the whole things plays over in my mind. Suddenly my sadness shifts and borders on anger. How dare he?

  “Oh shit, I can’t believe he would do that. I’m so sorry.” He smooth’s my hair as he talks to me.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for Gav. This isn’t your fault. I’m the one who gave him my heart.” Gavin’s face is downcast. “What?” I ask him.