Out of the Ashes

by S. M. Lynn

  “Gavin! That is Ian’s mother you are sitting next to.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about me, Celeste. I know my boy. While I have no doubt he will own you; he’s no Christian Grey. Though some Christian every once in a while isn’t a bad thing.” Did I hear her correctly? How did this conversation go so awry?

  “See Ian, I told you your mother was naughty.” I say smiling over at him.

  He closes his eyes and covers his ears like a small child that doesn’t want to listen to his parents. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. My mother would never do such things. As far as I am concerned I was an immaculate conception and she remains pure and virginal.”

  “Ah but Ian sweetie, you are forgetting your sister.” His mother grins.

  “Enough. It’s bad enough that I have had to endure being compared to a fictional character but to have to listen to it from my mother. No, I draw the line. No more. Find something else to talk about.”

  His mother smiles deeply at him. “Well if it’s a change of topic you want… Maybe Celeste would prefer to discuss Jesse Ward and his reminder fucks?” There is a collective gasp at the table. I’m blushing head to toe. Ian’s hiding in his napkin and Gavin clinks glasses with Marlene celebrating her victory over her son.

  “I am taking my girlfriend and leaving before the two of you can corrupt her anymore.”

  “Now Ian, to be fair I borrowed the books from Celeste.” His mother winks at me. Poor Ian looks like his head is going to explode.

  “Get to the car now.” He drops a quick kiss to Marlene’s cheek and I hear him promise to call her later. He shakes Gavin’s hand and vows if all those books are not out of the apartment by morning he won’t be allowing me to return. He is still boiling when we get in the car.

  “Ian, they’re just teasing you.”

  “Celeste, it’s too much for me to handle. I just want to get you home and bury myself inside and think about none of this until the morning.” Happy to accommodate.

  Unfortunately, our sleep is interrupted by another nightmare. This is perhaps the most frightening one of all because it’s not some memory dredged up from the past. But true horror conjured from my own mind. I wasn’t the focus of his torture any longer. I see Ian clearly lying in a pool of his own blood and I’m frozen in terror. But the real terror comes when I look at what he holds in his arms. Our son, Ian’s and mine. His smile was monstrous and black. There was no time. He took our baby and killed him all the while looking at me in the eyes, smiling. “If you weren’t such a filthy whore this wouldn’t have happened. I told you I would find you.” I wake screaming and crying. Ian can do nothing to stop the sobs that heave from my chest. He holds me and I cling to him like my life depends on it. I’m no longer just afraid for myself but terrified at the realization that Ian is in just as much danger as I am.

  Chapter 21

  You are nothing but a lying whore. I know about the lies you are telling and he will find out about them soon enough. I don’t know how a whore like you thinks that she is good enough for him. But you will never be enough. I am watching you and will continue to until you are gone or dead. I warned you what I would do if you didn’t leave. I will not give you another warning.

  When I first opened the letter, my only reaction was a scream. As I read the first words on the page, I was filled with dread. How did they find me? I have been so careful. Have been, those are the key words. Since meeting Ian, I’ve been very careless. Too many highly publicized outings and functions; meetings with people who they are sure to cross paths with. No, no, please no. The urge to run is so strong. It’s what I did last time. Hell, it’s the only way I know how. The tears are cascading down my cheeks. From the rest of the letter, I can see that it’s not from whom I thought initially. I feel a sense of relief even though the words on the page should be making me feel anything but.

  They make me weak. I can deal with anything else but not them, the very people I had once trusted implicitly and loved fiercely. I read through the words on the page again. They didn’t send it but I can’t imagine who could have or what they could possibly know about me. If anyone knew my real secrets, they would never come to me; they would go straight to them, to him.

  I’m still standing there, crying, holding the letter in my shaking hand when Ian walks in. There’s no hiding this from him. He asks me what’s going on but I have no voice. I hand him the letter in answer to his question and collapse to the floor. I’m so afraid that when he reads it, I’ll be exposed for the liar that I am; he will know and I will have to tell him. “Fuck, that bitch!” He runs his hands through his beautiful hair and I watch wishing I could just get lost in him right now. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you apologizing to me?”

  “Celeste, I think it’s obvious who sent this.” It is? Because I certainly can’t think of anyone right now, though my brain is fried due to my initial thoughts and shock. “I mean I knew she was unstable and I knew she could do some crazy shit but this is… She’s delusional.”

  “Who? What are you talking about?”

  “It has to be Rebecca that sent this.”

  I should have seen it from the lines about Ian but my initial fear was definitely clouding my cognition. “Why? Why would she…”

  “Shh, love, this isn’t about you. She just can’t deal with not getting what she wants; she never could. I’m so sorry to put you in this situation. I knew the day you came for the second interview that Rebecca was going to have a problem with this, with us. I had a meeting and she showed up there so I gave her ride back to the office.” Oh, that was when I saw her getting out of his car. “She just kept going on about how Patrick was the biggest mistake of her life and how she wanted us to try again. I told her that she was pushing it. That I didn’t even want to think about that time let alone take her back. She seemed to straighten up at that and played it off as being under a lot of stress. By the time we got back to the office she was fine. I should have paid more attention.”

  “But what could you have done?”

  “I could have tried to stay away, to let you be. I would have failed miserably but at least, I could have tried to protect you.”

  “Ian, I love you.” I pull his head down until I can reach his lips. I pour all of the fear and anxieties that I had earlier into this kiss and let my body melt into his. When he pulls back, his eyes are dark with desire but I also see fear in them, not for himself but for me.

  “Celeste, I… I need to speak to Connor about this right away.” He walks over to his desk and calls Connor. I walk over to sit down as I’m not sure my legs will support me much longer. After explaining the situation to Connor, Ian moves to sit next to me. “I have arranged for a security detail for you. But we need to discuss where you will be staying. Security at your building is a bit lax.”

  “Do you really think she would do something?”

  “I don’t know. Connor is looking into things now but I’m not willing to leave any of this to chance. I just got you back…” He wraps his arms around me. “Stay with me?”

  “Ian, I stayed here last night. I need to go home tonight.”

  “No, Celeste, stay with me. Move in; if you don’t want to live here I understand. I have a house about 20 miles outside of the city; the commute can be awful which is why I stay here but I want you with me. Always.” He says the last word on a sigh. I’m stunned into silence. He wants me to move in. We just got us back.

  “Ian, Gavin… I can’t…” Emotions are completely overwhelming my body. A huge part of me wants to jump into this with both feet; but the other part knows that sometimes when you put both feet into a pool you find it’s filled with sharks. I’m afraid and the fear is ruling me. What if we do this and he changes? What if he becomes like him?

  It’s completely unfair to compare the two of them but I can’t help but worry. I had what I thought was my happily ever after once but he turned out to be the thing of nightmares instead of fairy tales. I realize that wh
at I felt for him doesn’t even begin to compare to what I feel for Ian. My heart starts to win the battle with my head. Ian knows I have reservations about us. “Please Celeste; let me take you out to the house tonight. If you don’t like it, we can figure out something else. I would say I would just come stay with you but I can’t put Gavin out like that. Please, we can get a place of our own in the city if that’s what you want. I just want you with me every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up.” His eyes are pleading with me. There’s no going back from here; it’s time to sink or swim but I don’t know if I’m that good at treading water.

  “Ian, I don’t think we need to get another place. The apartment here is fine. Though I would like to see your house.”

  “Does that mean you’ll come live with me?”

  “You’ll probably want to kick me out after the first week. I can be really annoying or so Gavin tells me when I’m constantly telling him to clean up his messes.”

  “Sweetheart, I’ll never get tired of you. And if I’m too sloppy for you, I will just hire a housekeeper.” I can’t help but laugh. “I love that sound. You really should do it more often.”

  I brush my hand against his cheek and my eyes bore into his. “You make me happy. Perfectly happy.”

  Chapter 22

  I can hear Ian yelling at someone; vowing to kill him once he is free. He steps into my line of sight. “I knew you were nothing but a stupid whore. You go out and spread your legs for any cock that wants entrance. But now I have you again and the only way you will ever leave me again is when they bury you in the ground.” I hear faint crying and I think that it’s my own but then I see he is holding a baby. I know instinctively that this is my child, my son. His smile is one of pure evil. “The child of a whore and her bastard of boss. Did you like it when he fucked you? Did he tell you he would love you and protect you? Well, he’s certainly not doing anything now. Pity, I bet you thought he was your forever. But,” he leans in close and I feel his hot breath in my ear, “I told you a long time ago baby that you are mine forever.”

  “Leave them the fuck alone. I will kill you with my bare hands if you dare hurt either one of them.” He clicks his tongue at Ian and when he turns I can see Ian bound to a chair in the corner. “Doesn’t look like you’ll be doing much of anything to me. Except watching them die.” Ian’s struggling against his restraints but it’s only proving to weaken him further. “Now whore, beg for the life of your son; beg me to spare him. Get on your knees like the good little whore that you are and show me what you’ll give me if I spare him.” I’m frozen; I feel everything hanging in the balance and yet it’s all slipping away from me. I drop to my knees and see Ian squeeze his eyes shut, knowing that there is no way he can handle this; knowing that I’m destroying any love he may have had for me. He sucks in a sharp breath as he thrusts himself into my mouth. My eyes are tightly closed; tears streaking down my cheeks. I hear Ian cry out as if someone has struck him; then I realize that I’ve just heard the sound of his heart breaking.

  Once he has finished with me, I remain on my knees staring blankly at the floor. “See I knew you would do it. What else will you give me to spare him?” The answer is simple I will give him whatever he wants but in the end it will all be for nothing. “You will give me whatever I want, whore. The problem is I’ve already had your mouth so you only have two more things to negotiate with and once I have had those, what will you do?” I allow him to use my body in any and every way he sees fit. I’m crying and wishing for Ian to wrap me in his arms; wishing for him and our baby to be far from here. I brought this all on them; all the misery, all the shame is mine and mine alone to bear. “See baby we are so good together. The problem is now there’s nothing else I want from you except to watch you writhe in pain. And I know just where to begin.” Our baby is back in his arms; he’s crying and I begin to plead with him. “This should have been my son.” His eyes are hard and I can see straight down into the pitch black that was once his soul. There’s nothing left there; he has gone somewhere he can never come back from. “Do you understand me, whore? This should have been my son.” I hear my baby cry out in pain and then he’s still in his arms. He fades away like a fog and I’m left staring at Ian. Ian stares blankly at the floor and will not meet my gaze. “How could you?” His voice is hard. “Why didn’t you do more? Why didn’t you save him, save me, save us? How could you?”

  I bolt upright in bed, sweat drenching the sheets around me; biting back the scream that’s on my lips. Ian tries to soothe me, calm me; but there is no hope for that now. “I’m sorry, Ian. I’m so, so sorry. Please Ian, forgive me.”

  “Shh, love, it was just another nightmare.”

  “No, Ian, I let him in. I let him kill our son. I did things… I broke you. Please, please I’m sorry. I never wanted any of this for you. You couldn’t even look at me because I was so weak; I couldn’t protect you, keep you safe, either one of you.” My chest is heaving with my sobs now. “I’m sorry, Ian. I’m sorry I’m so weak. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I’m sorry that I’m the whore that he always told me I was.” I’m bordering on hysterical now and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I finally look up into those blue eyes, knowing all to well that what I find there will rip my heart from my chest. I can see the pure terror in them but also the disgust and just below that the anger is boiling up in him. I knew he would be angry and disgusted with me once he found out what I was. I back away from him on the bed.

  “Fuck, Celeste.” His arms come around my waist pulling me back to him. “Sweetheart, please talk to me.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t want me. I knew there was no way I could keep a man like you after what I let him do. He knew I was a whore. A filthy lying whore. And now you know too.”

  “Stop, Celeste, please stop. I don’t know what happened but think I can venture a guess.” Oh no, Ian you cannot even begin to comprehend the depravity of what I have done. I want, in this moment to tell him everything, to explain about Lauren but I have already done so much damage I can’t bring myself to do anymore. “Sweetheart, I’m not angry with you.”

  “But I disgust you. The things I did…” I can’t continue. I stumble from bed trying to find my purse. I often have anxiety attacks with these nightmares so the doctor prescribed some medication to help me calm down. Without thinking, I take the bottle into the bathroom and lock the door. I hear Ian pounding on the other side; I see his face as he takes the life of my child; I see how broken Ian is by what I’ve done and what I had allowed to happen. I know it’s only a dream but if we continue down this road, one day it will be reality. “Celeste, I’ll break down this fucking door if you don’t open it right now.” I don’t know what I intend to do. I only came in here because I wanted a pill or two to calm me down. But staring into the bottle, I see an escape. Not like the one I made last time, but a permanent one. No one could ever hurt me or the people I love again. There’s a crunch as Ian shoulders through the door, leaving it hanging off the hinges. His hands are on mine gripping the bottle, scattering pills all over the floor. “Celeste, no. Whatever this is, whatever has happened… Nothing could ever make me love you less. You aren’t any of the things that you just said. You are my stunning girl. Please, love.” I let the bottle drop into his hand but it only leaves me feeling weaker. I can’t even walk away from him to save him.

  “Celeste, you have to tell me what’s going on. This is way more than Rebecca, as if that shit wasn’t bad enough. Please, sweetheart. I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.” That’s the tricky thing, isn’t it? Can I let him in at all? And if I do where do I stop? Shit, will I be able to stop? Too much has happened tonight for me to pretend that nothing is wrong but I simply don’t know where to begin.

  “Ian, I… I don’t know what to say. A few years ago life threw a massive curveball at me and I guess, I’m not dealing with the fall out as well as I thought I was. Or maybe it’s this.” I gesture between him and me and he gives me a puzzled look. “
I haven’t let anyone besides Gavin in for a very long time and even then I kept him at arms length. Now I have you and I see a future for me, for us. And I’m scared. Scared to let you in, scared you won’t like what you see but most of all scared of what will happen when he finds me.” Without going into specifics or using names, I tell him about the man that changed my life forever and not for the better. The abuse, the things he made me do for his pleasure, the threats that kept me there.

  “Now when he finds me things will be that much worse because I have people that I care about and he will use them to hurt me.”

  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” I can tell he is trying to control his anger because I can hear it in voice. “You have to know that the anger and disgust I’m feeling at this moment has nothing to with you. It’s all directed at him. I want to rip the bastard’s throat out. God, how could anyone have done this to you? Celeste, sweetheart, look at me. I need you to know that you are not weak. Staying didn’t make you weak and neither did leaving. You are my stunning, brave girl. Please, I need you to understand that. If I look at you any differently now it’s because I am in awe that you could have gone through all that and still be as perfect as you are.” I’m crying again. His words have cut me open and laid me bare in front of him.

  “Ian,” I whisper against his lips. “Please, Ian I need you. Wash him from my mind.”

  “Celeste, there’s nothing I would like to do more than take every bad thing that happened to you away, but I can’t. Not like this. Please, I need to hold you. I need to feel you next to me. But I can’t do that, not now. You need to know that when we are together there’s only us. I don’t want him even in your mind when I make love to you.” Pulling my back into his chest, he wraps his arms tighter around me and lays us down. “Celeste, you must promise me that you will never do something like that again. When I saw you with that bottle… The thought of losing you is more than I can handle. And seeing you so broken… Sweetheart, it fucking broke my heart. I need you; I can’t lose you. And I won’t let anything happen to you or let anyone hurt you. I know it’s hard for you to understand right now but I promise I will do everything to ensure that he never hurts you again.” In his arms, I feel completely peaceful, protected like just his comforting words could keep all the pain away, like I’m finally home.