Violet’s Bucket List

by Embers, Tuesday

  “I’ve got ye in my arms now, so I’m grand. Go back to sleep, Mouse.”

  The next three nights were exactly the same. We fell asleep tangled and sated, but before the sun rose, I found him at the desk, frustrated as he scrawled on yet more paper that he threw away. While I knew I could just fish out the pages and spy on him, he hadn’t wanted to tell me, so I allowed him his privacy.

  On the third night, though, I watched him muscle his way through several lines without crossing out a single one. He filled up the whole page, then read it through. With a disgruntled sigh, he started wadding it up, like he had the others.

  “Well, what was wrong with that one?”

  Eli stiffened, and then turned around, masking his disquiet with a smile for me. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

  I held his gaze and slowly crooked my finger at him, drawing him to me. That was one of the things that was good about us – we didn’t stand a chance if the other one wanted something. I tugged his arm down, pulling him so he knelt on the carpet at the side of the bed, our noses nearly touching. “Eli?”

  “Yes, Mouse?”

  I combed my fingers through his hair, and then let my hand cup the side of his face, thumbing his prickly cheekbone. “Do you know that I love you?”

  His voice was deep and gravelly. “Aye.”

  “Do you know that you matter to me?”

  Eli swallowed, and I could see emotion warring behind his stormy eyes. As if he didn’t trust his voice not to break, he nodded, burrowing into my simple touch, needing affection to steady him in his vulnerable moments.

  “Eli?” I spoke his name like a prayer, silently asking that he’d tell me how to help him. I didn’t want him to bunch his shoulders and hide the imperfect parts of himself from me.

  He didn’t answer for several weighted seconds, but held my palm to his cheek, as if it was somehow connected to his ability to breathe.

  I wanted him to breathe, and not hold so much inside of himself. I didn’t like his constant need to carry his problems so close to the vest, while insisting he be allowed to help me with my own shortcomings.

  When Eli finally spoke, his voice was so quiet, I was afraid to move, lest I spook him back into his introverted tendencies. “It’s your damned bucket list. I thought it would be fun to cross my own things off, but this one… Can I erase something off my list? What are the rules?”

  I pursed my lips, chewing on his question before I answered. “That depends. When you’re an old man looking back, what do you want your life to have looked like?”

  Eli closed his eyes and leaned forward to bury his forehead in the mattress. My body curled around his head, stroking his hair as the man he currently was warred with the man he wanted to be. Everyone wants to do a bucket list when the items on it are all fun. But when there’s something on there that requires true change and personal growth, people back away and choose what they know over what could one day be.

  “I was afraid ye would say something wise like tha.” When he finally deflated, he turned his chin, burying his nose in the underside of my breast. I tried not to squirm, but he knew exactly what he was doing to me – punishing me in the best possible way for standing up to him when he was ready to hear it. He nipped at my breasts, inhaling and kissing the coveted swells until his anxiety began to lessen. He picked his head up, not willing to let more than a couple of inches rest between us. “Tell me tha ye love me again. I think I need to hear it twice tonight.”

  I took the sheet with me when I slid off the bed and settled into his arms. He rocked back on his butt and pulled me into his lap. My legs and arms wrapped around him, encompassing the man I adored with everything I had. “I love you. I love everything about you, even the parts you’re afraid I’ll see.”

  He kissed my lips, and then reached over to the jeans he’d worn that evening, sliding his wallet out from the back pocket. He opened the page and skimmed down, folding back the section he still didn’t want to expose. There, at the bottom of the list, was his tight all-caps handwriting that read, “Make up with Da and Seamus.” He folded up the paper and put it away with a shake of his head. “How do ye expect me to do tha?”

  I wrapped all four limbs more tightly around him, holding him together when he didn’t know the way. “I expect you’ll do what needs to be done. That’s just who you are.”

  He kissed my lips to distract himself from the empty feeling that not being all you can be leaves a person with. “I’m trying, but I don’t know how.”

  I tipped my chin down, pressing my forehead to his, our noses nuzzling back and forth in a tender rhythm only we knew. “Tell me why you put that on the list.”

  “Because I felt it. I saw tha ye loved your mammy so much, ye slept atop her bones in the graveyard. I remember loving my Da tha much. I remembered laughing at the trouble Seamus and I got into when we were just lads. I never thought back then tha I’d be here, so far from them. They were everything I had, and now I don’t have them at all.” His breath drew in shallow, nervous gulps that I could tell made his heart ache. “Now tha I have the life I wanted? It feels less without them in it. I don’t want it how it was. I just don’t want it to be nothing. I don’t know how to say tha. ‘Be in my life, but not a whole lot?’”

  I extracted myself from Eli, moved over to the greatest desk in the world, and pulled out a new piece of paper and a pen. “Write the word, ‘Hello’ here. Then sign your name, and put your address.”

  “Our address,” he corrected me. The only time he felt the need to correct me was to bring us closer, never farther apart. “Tha’s not a whole lot to say to them.”

  “You want to say something, right?”

  Eli nodded. “Aye, but each time I try, it comes out angry.”

  “Then let it come out angry, if that’s what you need.”

  Eli shook his head and inched me over, scrawling out the single word, and the valediction, which was only his signature, and our address. He studied the page with his thick brows bunched in consternation. “‘Hi.’ Tha’s all I’m saying to them?”

  “You can say more. You can write whatever you want. Mine was just a suggestion for a jumping off point.”

  He kept his eyes on the page, confused, and then somehow, relieved. “No, you’re right. Tha’s perfect. ‘Hello.’ It’s all I should say right now. Open it up slowly, just a wee bit.” He shuffled around inside the drawer of the desk he’d stocked for me, and slid out an envelope. Folding the letter and shoving it inside, he sealed it, addressed it, and slammed it down on the desk with a triumphant look on his face, like he’d just conquered some battle he’d been fighting for far too long. If I had to bet on the winner in any war, my money would always be on Eli.

  34

  Destroyer

  On the last day of my two weeks, the staff brought in a cake that read “Happy Birthday” in red icing. Though my birthday was months away, I didn’t say anything, but accepted the sweetness for what it was. Keith was in heavy I-was-a-jerk mode, and the cake, along with its message, was his doing. “To make up for your birthday earlier this year,” he explained of the writing on the cake.

  “Thank you, Keith. That’s… I see what you’re doing, and I appreciate it.”

  He lowered his voice while Michelle cut the cake and started passing it out. “Any chance I can convince you to stay on?”

  I kept my tight smile in place and shook my head. I had no prospects, other than a handful of interviews I’d gone on that hadn’t called me back for a second look. I didn’t think I could feel any worse, but apparently rock bottom was made of rubber, so I bounced on the rocks over and over until my pride was thoroughly bruised.

  With the last few pieces of my cake under my arm and my backpack empty, I started through the neighborhood just as the sun was setting. Though my car was running just fine, it was my final trip home from the clinic, and I wanted to walk off the low feeling I couldn’t shake. I was officially unemployed. My mother had always been employed, sometimes by more t
han one job. With each step, I felt the weight of my life taking me on a downward turn. Though I had amazing friends and a fantastic guy, I had no job, and no money coming in.

  I started picturing the minimum wage jobs that were hiring, and had to talk myself down from panicking. I loved being a physical therapist. I loved taking care of people. I was good at it, and I needed my patients sometimes as much as they needed me. Each victory for the patient was a parade in my heart that now I would be without. I was a cyclist without a bike, a clown without a rubber chicken. I felt lost, and very, very small.

  So entrenched in my pity party was I that I didn’t hear the footsteps behind me. I didn’t look over my shoulder and head for the side of the street that was well-lit. I didn’t do anything but cry out when the two “gentlemen” behind me purposefully bumped me, knocking me to the ground so they could steal my backpack, and the box with the last pieces of my farewell cake. My chin bounced off the pavement, and then scraped across the uneven concrete. One of them stepped on my outstretched hand, whisper-yelling at his friend to “Go! Go!”

  The dude who stayed behind knelt down, revealing his smile that was one tooth shy of a set. His tennis shoe ground my hand into the pavement, making me wince as I squirmed.

  I knew him from somewhere. He had fluffy copper hair that stood out three inches like an unkempt puff from a dandelion. “Well, if it isn’t Eli’s girl. Such a cocky son of a bitch, isn’t he?”

  I gasped when I realized who he was. “Dan the Destroyer?”

  He chuckled that I recognized him, which made my blood run cold. I finally ripped my hand from him, leaving a trail of my blood on the pavement. I had decent self-defense skills, but I was no match for a legit boxer. I sat up on my knees, looking over at him still crouching too near to be comfortable. “In the flesh. Your boy cost me a lot of money when he got in those cheap shots during the last match. No point in trying to squeeze it out of him, but maybe you can cover what he owes me.”

  “Owes you? Eli owes you money?”

  “He doesn’t know it yet, but he does. I lost too much on the match, and I know he’s flush with cash. Cushy day job, plus his take of the winnings. Hand over your wallet, sweetie.”

  I glanced down and frowned. “I didn’t bring my wallet today. I walked to work.”

  This was, apparently, the wrong thing to say. Dan’s fist whipped out towards my face, but I deflected the blow, trying to focus through my fear. I sprang to my feet, readying myself to do all I could to keep myself alive long enough for… I wasn’t sure what might happen. Maybe a cop would drive by and see Dan winding up for another punch. Maybe a good Samaritan would intervene. Maybe the finger-snapping Sharks from West Side Story would come up behind me and dance my problems away.

  Dan’s grin cracked when I deflected his second and third blows, screaming for help all the while. He was a sturdy guy, who boxed in an underground ring. I wasn’t sure how well my self-defense skills would hold up to his ingrained aggression. I reminded myself that I didn’t need to land a punch; I just had to outlast him, let him exhaust himself until help came.

  The fact that there were no other PTs to back me up blared like an alarm in my mind. Patients who took their mental issues out on me were one thing – if I needed help, the other therapists rushed to my aid. Out here, there was only the dark of night, and the people who looked the other way when crap like this went down.

  “Eli took my job, you know,” Dan spat, livid that he still hadn’t landed a blow. “I used to watch the door at the club for Antonio. Then Eli comes in and I’m out of a job. All of a sudden, he’s the golden boy.” His fist flew out, and though I deflected that one as well, I wasn’t expecting it to be a decoy. Dan’s right hook buried itself in my stomach, doubling me over in pain. A gust of air rushed out of me, along with my pride.

  He threw me to the pavement, flattening my front to the cold concrete that scraped yet more of me. I screamed as his hands roamed over my thin scrubs, searching for my wallet that didn’t exist. He found my phone, though, and slapped my butt as he pulled it out. I fought and kicked, but he scooped my wrists into one of his much larger hands and pinned them to my lower back. He knelt on my legs, immobilizing me so he could… make a call?

  “Eli, buddy. Good to hear your surly voice. I’ve got a little present for you.”

  I didn’t bother to scream incoherently, but gathered my thoughts into planning mode. “Eli, I’m at Fourth and Grand Oak! Help!”

  Dan never bothered to learn my name, but insisted “bitch” was what I should be called. He dropped the phone on the concrete and leaned forward, speaking loud enough for Eli to hear. “For every day you stay in town, that’s another I’ll find your girl and take what I need from her. Today, it’s money. Tomorrow? Who knows. She’s got a decent amount of aggression in her. You know how I love a good fight.” Dan’s free hand crept up my shirt, his fingers controlled like a spider, sneaking up my side. He groped the side of my left boob, which was smashed to the concrete.

  I heard Eli shouting in anger and panic, and though I wanted to puke, I willed my steady voice to anchor him. “Eli, I’m at Fourth and Grand Oak! Dan’s got me!”

  The bile that rose up in me grew harder to fend off when Dan’s hand migrated south. He jerked open my drawstring pants and slid his hand inside, making me scream like a woman on fire. Come to think of it, I might prefer fire to the oily calluses of Dan’s hand.

  He leaned down to speak to both me and Eli. “You shouldn’t have told him that, sweetie.”

  It wasn’t much of a chance, but I took it. I snapped my head back, cracking him square in the nose. The shock jerked his hands from me, giving me just enough space to scurry away like the mouse I was. I got to my feet first, and despite the fact that my pants were barely around my hips, I smiled at finally getting the upper hand. Without wasting a second, my foot snapped out and cracked him square in his face, busting his nose again in repayment for the scuffs he’d left on me. Then I delivered a punch straight to his mouth, making him spit blood. “You like rubbing on someone else’s girl? Is that what does it for you?” Another punch, and my fists were aching. I shook them out, but didn’t permit myself more than a few seconds of reprieve. I needed him incapacitated, and my brain was flicking to different maneuvers I could use to give me enough space to get away.

  Dan ambled to his feet, and I didn’t pause more than the breath it took for me to steady my aim. My leg flew out and nailed him between the legs as hard as I could. I wasn’t sure if my adrenaline was working for or against me, but either way, Dan dropped to the pavement and keeled over, grabbing his junk in pain. He cussed me out, but I didn’t stick around to listen to the swearing mutate into racial slurs. I snatched up my phone and ran, limping a little as I pumped my arms.

  35

  Eli’s Rage

  It wasn’t until I saw the sparse neon lights of commerce when I turned the corner that I remembered to breathe. I looked over my shoulder, but didn’t see Dan coming for me. Besides, there were enough pockets of people milling about under streetlights; he would have a harder time snatching at me now.

  Eli’s voice blasted from my palm, and I realized that Dan never hung up. “Eli, come get me! I’m at Fourth and Grand Maple now.”

  “I’m on my way.” I heard his raised voice over his engine, and felt a rush of relief. It would only be a few minutes I had to hide out from Dan and his crunched nuts. “Are ye okay? Did ye get away?”

  “I think so. Fourth and Grand Maple. Hurry!” My eyes darted around, and for the first time in all the years Brady and Caty warned me this was a bad neighborhood to walk through at night, I finally began to see what they were talking about. The liquor store had barred windows, and the only other shops were either closed, or had too many “gentlemen” frequenting the parking lots. I smelled pot in the air, and while it never bothered me before, everything spooked me now.

  “Violet, stay on the phone until I get there.”

  “I think I need to…” I jumped an
d nearly screamed when a car backfired. I shuddered as I paused to cinch my pants before they fell. “I’m losing it, Eli. I’ve never been… No one’s ever grabbed my…”

  “What did he grab?!” The steady roar of Eli’s car engine made my stress go down by a necessary five percent, taking the thrum of my own pulse out of my ears. “Do ye see any stores open?”

  I couldn’t break down yet, but the pressure behind my eyes was building to a boiling point. “Yeah. Vic’s Liquor on the corner.”

  “Get inside and hang near the register. I’m on my way.”

  “Okay.” Though there were no cars, I looked both ways four times before I crossed the street.

  The guys hanging in the parking lot were smoking, and didn’t pay me much mind until one of them called out to me, making me nearly choke with fear. “Hey, Mami. Damn, someone got you good.”

  I nodded to him, meeting his eyes with relief when I saw he was Mexican. “I’m alright.”

  Eli was barking in my ear commands of “Violet, go into the store and don’t talk to anyone tha’s not the store owner, or a cop. Are ye inside yet?”

  The stranger held his joint in his mouth and lifted a finger to pause me. I didn’t want to pause, but I was so turned around that I didn’t think to fight him on it. Our skin was the same copper that held the promise of a safe harbor to it.

  He was my height, and thin as a rail. When he finished fishing around in his glovebox, he faced me with a fistful of napkins, and two missing teeth. “Here, Mami. Looks like you fell. Your chin’s busted. Está bien?”

  I nodded, gulping my tears as Eli shouted into the phone for me to get somewhere safe. I managed a watery smile as I took the napkins from the stranger and pushed them to my chin. “Gracias,” I hiccupped.

  “De nada. Está demasiado tarde por una muchacha tan linda.”

  “Thanks for the tip.” His four friends, who’d paid me no notice, began to turn in my direction to see what entertainment my woes could be to liven up their night.