by Lynsey James
‘No way!’ she yelps when I get to that part. ‘Does this mean you two are going to get back together? Should I buy a hat?’
I sigh and shake my head. ‘No … things kind of went sour after that. We started talking about the morning after we slept together and why he left me without saying anything. Turned out he was scared, apparently. So was I, Zara; I didn’t know what was going to happen or what us spending the night together meant for our relationship. But I’d have never just legged it with no explanation. Then Kayleigh messaged him asking him to go out for drinks with her and her friends. He said he wasn’t going to go, but I told him not to let me stop him.’
The familiar anger and frustration come bubbling to the surface as I think about it again. My hands clench into fists and I feel my heart begin to race. Aware that stress isn’t good for the baby, I take deep breaths to calm myself down.
‘Are you sure he didn’t just make a mistake after you slept together?’ Zara asks. ‘We’re all human, after all, and anyone could see how perfect you were for each other. He didn’t handle things as well as he should’ve, but maybe there’s a way to fix things.’
I feel myself bristle. ‘Zara, he left me twice. I can’t just ignore that. He’s said he’s sorry, but what’s to stop him from doing it again? I could forgive him, take him back and we could be a family, but then he could decide he wants something else. Then it wouldn’t just be me he walked out on, it’d be our baby too. What would I tell them? Sorry Daddy’s not around, he’s off backpacking round Asia or starting a new life in America? I know he said he wanted to give me space, but he left me feeling like he didn’t want anything to do with me.’
She reaches over and places her hand on top of mine. ‘Cleo, sometimes you just have to let things go. Whatever way you slice it, Scott is a good guy. He might’ve made a mistake, but is that really a reason to throw everything away? You could’ve made the first move to clear the air with him, so maybe it’s better to just draw a line under this.’
Maybe she’s right, I say to myself, maybe I’ve been too harsh. Perhaps I should just chalk all of this up to experience and move on. She’s certainly right about one thing: Scott is a good guy. Worst-case scenario, he’s a good guy who did a bad thing, but he’s definitely not a bad person.
‘There he is now!’ Zara gestures over my shoulder and points towards the door.
I turn around and what I see next shatters my heart into a million pieces. Scott is here, but he’s not alone.
He’s with a stunning woman. I instinctively know she’s Kayleigh.
Chapter Ten
I feel as if all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. My stomach drops to my shoes and I feel bile burn in my throat. Yet I don’t feel angry at seeing them together; my possessive instinct doesn’t kick in like it usually would. Then it hits me: I don’t feel like I have any claim over him anymore. He’s his own person, free to see whoever he likes.
That hurts more than jealousy ever could.
‘He’s here with her,’ I choke out. ‘I think that’s Kayleigh, the girl I was telling you about.’
‘That’s her?’ Zara points towards Kayleigh, who looks sensational in a dark blue bandage dress. ‘Whoa.’
I look down at my own ensemble: a pair of leggings and a baggy floral top. After my baker’s whites had felt tight at work, I’d decided to make a conscious effort to hide my bump. I wanted to feel as much like me as possible, even if my body was going through changes beyond my control.
Now though, after seeing Kayleigh, I wish I’d dressed up a little more. Or that there was a convenient hole in the ground to swallow me up.
My gaze locks with Scott’s and he looks as though he’s seen a ghost. The corners of my mouth turn up into a wry smile as I get up and grab my coat to leave.
‘Cleo, stay,’ Zara says, reaching for my arm. ‘I’m sure it’s not what it looks like.’
I grit my teeth as I struggle to keep my temper. ‘Zara, I appreciate you trying to see the good in everything, but take your rose-tinted glasses off for a second. They’ve just arrived together; it’s exactly what it looks like and I’m not staying to watch them slobber all over each other. I’ll see you later.’
I head for the door, but end up bumping into the happy couple as they weave their way through the now-packed pub. A group of people standing on the periphery of the bar area are blocking their way to the tables on the far side, and also preventing me from getting to the door. Tight spaces aren’t my favourite thing in the world. I remind myself to breathe and try to ignore the unease spreading over my body.
‘Cleo … I wasn’t expecting to see you here tonight,’ Scott says with an uneasy smile. It’s the smile of someone who’s been caught doing something by the very person they were trying to hide it from.
‘Well here I am!’ I turn to look at Kayleigh and offer her my hand. ‘Hi there, I’m Cleo Jones. I’m Scott’s ex.’
She at least has the decency to blush as she shakes my hand. ‘Oh … Y-you’re Cleo. Scotty’s told me so much about you.’
Scotty. She has a nickname for him already. I wonder if he has one for her.
‘Has he now? I don’t know that much about you,’ I reply. ‘Anyway, I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got to get going. Places to be and all that.’
I can see her eyes lingering on my stomach, a curious look on her face. Although my bump is only just starting to take shape, I can tell she sees something. She’s debating with herself whether it’s just a tiny food baby or an actual baby. I won’t be the one to tell her; Scott can have that privilege.
‘Cleo, can I talk to you for a second?’ he murmurs.
‘I’m sure it can wait until after your date. Have a good night, you two. I was just leaving.’
I give him a sad smile, wishing I could arrange the thoughts in my head into a coherent order. There’s so much I want to say to him, but I’ve no idea where to start. I try to get to the door, but more people piling in block my exit. One of them almost elbows me in the stomach, but I dart out of the way just in time. Scott springs into action and clears a path to the door for me, guiding me outside with a hand on the small of my back. The fresh air cools down my hot skin, but I don’t feel better. There’s something off with the way I feel, but I can’t put my finger on what it might be.
‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘I can take it from here. You’d better get back inside; Kayleigh’s waiting for you.’
‘I’m not here with her,’ he says. ‘She’s meeting some friends here and so am I. We just got here at the same time, that’s all.’
‘Whatever you say, Scotty,’ I say with a sad grin. ‘It’s nothing to do with me who you see or don’t see. Go on inside and enjoy yourself. I’m fine, really.’
I’m not; in fact, I’m anything but. I’m not about to let him know that though. I’d give anything to feel some sort of fire or anger, anything that might make me take action and end this weird limbo between us. Instead, I just feel like someone’s hollowed me out.
He isn’t mine anymore.
My heart wrenches as I look at him; he looks at me, then the pub door and back again. He takes a step towards me, but changes his mind at the last second. I can’t say I blame him. Although we’ve texted about baby stuff since our argument, we haven’t had a chance to clear the air.
‘So … it’s the twenty-week scan soon,’ he says. ‘We can find out the sex then, can’t we?’
I nod my head. ‘Yeah, that’s what Lisa said anyway. I’m quite excited to see if it’s going to be a boy or girl.’
He nods and digs his hands deep into his jeans pockets. ‘Me too. Well … I’ll see you around then.’
I give a little wave then turn to walk down the road, bundling my coat around me to keep the cold out. When I get to the end of the road, I turn back just in time to see Scott head into the Bell and Candle. Part of me sinks as I watch him leave, but what did I really expect? If I’d wanted him to stay with me, I should’ve asked.
*
&nbs
p; By the time I get home, I’m ready to slip into a pair of pyjamas and see if there’s anything decent on Netflix. Thoughts of Scott and Kayleigh together plague me, even though he insisted they’d just arrived at the same time. An ache has spread all over my body, which I’d put down to the cold when I was standing outside the pub. That ‘off’ feeling is still there as well, like my body’s trying to tell me something’s wrong.
That’s when I feel it.
A slick, damp feeling that usually means my period’s arrived.
No, no, please…
Panic grips me as I rush to the bathroom. I hope with every fibre of my being that I’m wrong, but there’s something in the back of my mind telling me I’m not.
Sure enough, there it is.
Blood.
A lot of blood.
A strangled sob escapes my throat. This can’t be happening, it just can’t. With shaking hands, I fish my phone out of my bag.
‘Emma, it’s me,’ I say, my voice trembling. ‘C-can you come and get me? I think there’s something wrong with the baby.’
*
Emma arrives within minutes, finding me sobbing on the bathroom floor.
‘I’m here,’ she says, crouching down beside me. ‘What’s happening?’
I don’t register her having said anything for a moment. I’m too consumed with pain and guilt, with one particular phrase repeating itself in my head.
This is all my fault.
‘I … I’m bleeding,’ I choke out. ‘I was at the pub with Zara a-and I saw Scott come in with Kayleigh, so I got up to leave. I haven’t really felt well all day, so I came home and … that’s when I discovered I was bleeding! Oh God Emma, what am I going to do?’
She pulls me into her arms and shushes me, although I can tell she’s scared herself.
‘OK, we’re going to give the hospital and a call and let them know we’re on our way. Where’s your pregnancy file?’
‘In the living room on the coffee table.’
Emma disappears for a moment, before returning with my notes. She’s already got her phone out and dialling the hospital’s number.
‘Hi, yes can I speak to someone in the maternity unit please? My friend’s just over three months pregnant and she’s started bleeding … Yeah she hasn’t really felt well all day. Hold on, I’ll ask.’ She takes the phone away from her ear for a moment. ‘Have you had any cramping?’
Just as I’m about to say no, I feel pain sear across my abdomen. I bend forward and clutch at my stomach as sobs of pain burst out of me. Emma does her best to balance comforting me with talking to the hospital on the phone.
‘OK, the lady on the phone says we need to go in and head for A&E. A doctor will assess you there to see what’s happening.’ For as calm as she sounds right now, I can tell my best friend is as worried as I am. ‘I know this is terrifying, but try not to panic. Everything will be fine.’
At the moment, it feels like everything will be the exact opposite of fine, but I’m in too much pain to offer a rebuttal. Emma helps me to stand up, taking her time and stopping when I tell her my pelvis feels like it’s on fire. She leads me out to her car and gets me safely into the front seat.
‘Are you going to call Scott?’ she asks as we pull away from my cottage. ‘He’ll want to know what’s going on.’
I wipe some tears away and look down at my phone, currently sitting in my trembling hands. I’m on the contact list and my finger hovers over his number.
‘I … I don’t know what to tell him,’ I cry. ‘Do I tell him I’m losing the baby or …? I don’t know what’s happening!’
‘Just tell him to meet us at the hospital,’ Emma advises. ‘We’ll find out more when we get there.’
Trying to ignore another surge of pain crossing my abdomen, I call Scott. It goes straight to voicemail, giving me the option to leave a message.
‘Fuck,’ I murmur.
This isn’t how I wanted to do things. I rattle off a quick and very panicked message about having to go to the hospital and asking him to come as quickly as he can, before hanging up. Although Emma keeps glancing at me to see if I’m OK, I avoid eye contact and stare out of the window.
All I can think is that if anything happens to the baby, it’ll be on me.
I deserve this.
*
A&E is absolutely heaving by the time we get there. My heart sinks as I see the amount of people waiting to be seen.
‘God Emma, look at everyone! It’ll be ages before we get seen,’ I say as we approach the front desk.
‘Hi there, how can I help?’ the receptionist asks.
‘I phoned a couple of minutes ago; I’m pregnant and I’ve started bleeding and having cramps,’ I choke out. ‘My name’s Cleo Jones.’
‘Have you got your pregnancy notes with you?’ she asks.
I nod and hand them over. The receptionist types away on her computer and makes a phone call before addressing me again.
‘Lisa’s on shift tonight, take a seat and I’ll get her to come down and see you.’
I say thank you and make my way over to a spare seat. The cramping has thankfully subsided, so I’m able to walk unaided. Emma joins me and pulls me in for a hug.
‘It’s gonna be OK,’ she whispers.
‘What if it’s not?’ My voice is small and scared. ‘This is all my fault.’
Emma sits up and looks at me. ‘Cleo, how could any of this possibly be down to you? These things … well, they just happen sometimes and there’s no explanation. You can’t blame yourself.’
I let out a hollow laugh that attracts the attention of some of the other people waiting. At this point, I couldn’t care less. Every pair of eyes in the hospital could be on me, but all I’m worried about is the baby.
‘I’ve been so selfish,’ I admit. ‘All this time I’ve been worried about my bump growing and my body changing, but none of that stuff matters! The only thing I care about now is that nothing happens to the baby. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid, Emma!’
Tears spill down my face and I let my head sink into my hands. Emma rubs my back as she rummages in her bag for a tissue.
‘You’re not to blame for this,’ she assures me. ‘With everything you’ve been through, it’s only natural that you’re worried about the changes happening to your body. You worrying hasn’t caused this though, don’t think that for a second.’
A set of heavy footsteps running into the hospital attracts my attention, and I look up to see Scott sprinting towards the front desk. The receptionist points towards us and he heads over. As he draws closer, I can see he’s been crying.
‘Oh my God Cleo, are you all right?’ He sits down next to me and grabs my hand.
‘I’m really scared,’ I manage to say as I wipe my eyes. ‘I don’t want anything to happen to the baby. Scott, I’m so sorry.’
He gently pulls me into him, wrapping his arms protectively around me as I cry into his chest.
‘Don’t you dare apologise for anything,’ he says as he strokes my hair. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ He looks up at Emma. ‘Thank you so much for bringing her here.’
‘It’s no problem, really,’ she replies. ‘We’re just waiting on the midwife coming now.’
‘What happened?’ he asks, shifting round to make us both more comfortable. ‘You said in your message that you started bleeding after you got home from the pub?’
I nod and sit up to wipe my eyes again. ‘I felt a bit off for most of today, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then when I got home from the Bell and Candle, the bleeding and cramps started. If anything’s wrong with the baby …’
I trail off as my mind rages with possibilities. All I can picture is Lisa’s sad face as she tells us our baby’s gone. Guilt and fear grip me and my body begins to shake.
‘Hey,’ Scott whispers as he tightens his grip on me. ‘It’s OK, I’ve got you. I won’t let anything happen to either of you.’
Although we both know that he can’t stop wh
atever’s happening right now, the words still comfort me. The fact he’d be willing to do anything for us goes some way to tempering the terror I’m feeling. As I look at Scott, I can tell that all he wants to do is protect me and the baby. By holding me tight to him, he’s trying to keep the rest of the world away so nobody can hurt us.
‘Cleo?’
I recognise the voice as Lisa’s and turn to face her.
‘Shall we go and find out what’s going on?’ she asks, offering a hand.
As Scott, Emma and I follow her down the corridor, I pray to whatever deity might be listening that things will be OK.
I’ll arrange counselling for my body dysmorphia to help me through the rest of my pregnancy.
I’ll be the best mum I can possibly be.
I’ll love this baby with every fibre of my being.
I’ll do anything as long as the little human inside me survives.
Chapter Eleven
A pregnancy test confirms my hCG levels are still high and a physical examination shows no signs of infection or cervical problems. Lisa conducts an ultrasound to check the baby’s heartbeat and to see if an ectopic pregnancy might’ve been missed at my scan. Scott holds my hand as we watch the monitor for the baby’s sketchy outline.
‘Please, please …’ I whisper, chewing my thumbnail.
The familiar roar of the heartbeat follows and I breathe a sigh of relief. Scott’s huge brown eyes are shining with tears as we exchange smiles.
‘Well, the good news is the heartbeat is nice and strong and the pregnancy definitely isn’t ectopic,’ Lisa says. ‘Based on that and the examination I did earlier, I’d say you experienced what we call a threatened miscarriage.’
‘What causes those?’ I ask.
For a moment, I expect Scott to jump in with an answer, but he doesn’t. When I glance at him, I notice how exhausted he looks. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks like he might be about to cry again.