by Lynsey James
‘The causes aren’t always clear,’ says Lisa. ‘It could be down to a number of factors. A lot of women blame themselves or think they’ve done something wrong, but that’s not the case. Sometimes, they just happen. I’m satisfied that both you and the baby are alright and that you’re not miscarrying. I think the bleeding you’ve experienced is probably cervical bleeding, but I’ll book you in for a detailed scan in a couple of days so we can make doubly sure.’
I can feel my heart rate slow down and my muscles begin to relax. ‘Thank you so much for everything, Lisa. You’ve been absolutely brilliant.’
She smiles and shakes her head. ‘It’s my job. You did the right thing getting here so quickly; it’s always worth getting things checked out, even if they turn out to be nothing to worry about. My advice would be to go home, rest and relax as much as you can. Maybe take a day or two off work as well. If any of your symptoms worsen, don’t hesitate to give us a call, OK?’
I nod as I slide myself off the examination table. ‘Thank you again. I don’t know what we would’ve done without you! Bet you can’t wait to head home for some sleep now.’
‘I should be so lucky, I’m on shift until six tomorrow morning!’ she laughs.
After booking a more detailed scan in for two days’ time, we make our way towards the car park. The three of us are silent as we walk, exhaustion overtaking us.
‘Thank you both so much for being here,’ I say when we step outside into the chilly night air. ‘It means a lot to me.’
I take it in turns to hug them both, with Scott’s hug lingering a little too long.
‘I’ll drive you home if you like?’ he offers. ‘The car’s just over there. I took it to the pub with me because I didn’t fancy drinking. Well, and it was my turn to be the designated driver.’
‘That’d be great,’ I say. ‘If you don’t mind?’
I turn to Emma and give her an extra hug. ‘You were amazing tonight. This baby’s going to be really lucky to have an auntie like you.’
‘I’m just glad everything’s fine,’ she replies. ‘And hearing that heartbeat was incredible!’ She turns her attention to Scott. ‘You make sure Cleo and the baby get home safely. That’s my niece or nephew in there, so I’m counting on you.’
He grins and puts a cross on his chest. ‘I promise, cross my heart. Will you be alright getting home?’
She nods. ‘If either of you need anything, just call me.’
We say goodbye and go our separate ways across the car park. I look at both of them and can’t quite believe I’m lucky enough to have two such amazing people in my life. I gaze down at my bump and feel a surge of emotions.
My little human is OK.
*
Scott parks the car outside my house and lets his head sink back against the headrest with a sigh.
‘Jesus, what a night,’ he says softly. He looks at me and swallows hard. ‘When I got your message, I started imagining all sorts of terrible things. You sounded so scared and I … I just wanted to get to you and tell you everything would be OK.’
His voice is husky as he tries not to cry again. I reach over and take his hand in mine.
‘And you did,’ I whisper. ‘You were there and you held me and told me it would all be OK.’ I lower his hand to my bump. ‘And it was.’
He sniffs and wipes his eyes with the back of his free hand. ‘I don’t know what I’d have done if anything happened to either of you. It doesn’t bear thinking about.’ More tears spill down his face and I can tell he’s getting frustrated with himself. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be—’
‘You never have to apologise for crying,’ I say. ‘You don’t have to keep yourself in check for me, I’ve seen you bawl your eyes out at Marley and Me, remember?’
He chuckles and shakes his head. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Sure you don’t. Anyway, it’s getting late; why don’t you crash here tonight? I don’t like the idea of you driving home at this time.’
His eyes search my face for a moment. ‘Are you sure?’
I nod. ‘Yeah, I’m positive. Come on in. I might even put Marley and Me on if you’re lucky.’
We head inside, shrugging off our coats and leaving the chilly air outside where it belongs. The last of my adrenaline finally dies off and exhaustion hits me.
‘I’m going to go to bed,’ I announce, stepping out of my shoes. ‘I’m absolutely done in.’
‘I’ll make myself a bed on the couch,’ Scott replies as he walks towards the living room.
I catch his hand and pull him back to me. ‘You can … sleep next to me if you like?’
He tilts his head to one side, but doesn’t reply right away. I’ve caught him off-guard, which I know isn’t easy to do.
‘Cleo, I … I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Won’t it make things weird between us?’
‘Not unless we let it,’ I reply. ‘Plus I know how uncomfortable that couch is. You’ll do your back in sleeping on that thing! Really Scott, it’s OK.’
He nods and follows me to the bedroom, keeping a couple of steps behind me. I grab a pair of pyjamas and head to the bathroom to get changed.
‘This reminds me of the first time I stayed over here,’ he says with a wistful smile when I come back. ‘Do you remember?’
‘Of course I do. I went and got changed in the bathroom because I didn’t want you to see me getting undressed.’
The memory makes me blush and I can feel a pang of regret in my heart.
‘That was a long time ago, wasn’t it?’ I say, rubbing the back of my neck. ‘It seems like a lifetime ago.’
Scott doesn’t say anything and we climb into bed. There’s something peaceful about feeling him move around, making himself comfortable like he used to do. The corners of my mouth tug up into a smile as I hear him fluffing the pillows. We’re lying with our backs to each other, but I’m tempted to turn around and curl my body into his. I want to share his warmth, feel his skin brush against mine. I want to feel the security of being in his arms. Just as I’m about to turn and put my arms round him, he stirs and lets out a loud snore.
He’s made himself comfortable and fallen asleep already, so I decide to leave him. I burrow down in the duvet and try to switch my mind off. My body’s absolutely exhausted, but my brain has gone into overdrive. As Scott gently snores beside me, I go through a cycle of guilt, anger and relief. I can’t seem to forgive myself for being so selfish. I put my body dysmorphia before appreciating and enjoying my pregnancy, and it took almost losing the baby to realise I need support.
Careful not to wake Scott, I slip out of bed and head downstairs. I go into the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face, before taking a seat on the floor. There’s something relaxing about the cool, smooth tiles. I look at my bump and smile as I stroke it. It’s absolutely tiny at the moment, but it’s mine.
‘Hey you,’ I whisper. ‘You don’t know me yet, but I’m your mummy. You don’t half know how to scare me and Daddy; please don’t do that again! When I thought I was going to lose you tonight and that I might not get the chance to meet you … I was devastated. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best mummy so far. I’ve been way too worried about things that aren’t important, when the only thing that matters here is you. I really can’t wait to meet you and give you a big cuddle.’ Hot tears spill down my face and I wipe them away before continuing. ‘You are such a lovely surprise, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realise it. I’ll be better now, I promise. I’ll be the best mummy I can possibly be and we’ll have loads of fun and adventures together. I love you so much already and you aren’t even here yet.’
I stop when I hear a creak on the upstairs landing. Have I woken Scott? I listen for a moment but when no other noise comes, I turn my attention back to my bump.
‘You really are the luckiest baby in the world. You’ve got so many people who can’t wait to meet you and they’ll all spoil you rotten when you get here. Your Auntie Emma will probably
do it the most; she’ll buy you whatever you like because she loves you so much. You’ll absolutely love her. Then there’s your gran and granddad. They’re amazing and since you’re their first grandchild, you get first dibs on all the cuddles and toys. Gran will probably want you to call her Nina, but just ignore that!’
Another creak. I’m not imagining it this time. He’s either up on the landing, or he’s just gone back to bed.
‘Then there’s your daddy.’ A fond smile spreads across my face as I gaze up at the staircase. ‘He’ll do anything for you and he’ll be the most fun dad ever. He makes the best pancakes and he’ll do silly voices when he’s reading you a story at bedtime. You two are going to have such a special bond, I just know it. He might not live in the same house as us, but that’s not going to stop him from being an amazing dad. You’re going to be the most important person to him and he’ll never let anything happen to you.’
My heart wrenches as I imagine bringing the baby home without Scott. I’d always pictured us coming home and settling into family life together, still as in love as we’d always been.
‘Just so you know, I’ll probably make a ton of mistakes,’ I say with a shaky chuckle. ‘I don’t know very much about being a good mum, but I’ll learn. And at the end of the day, I probably still won’t be the perfect mum … but I’ll be your mum. And believe me when I say I’ll love you with everything I have. I might get things wrong sometimes, but I will always love you. And I’ll never put anything above you ever again. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been good enough so far, but that’s going to change. I’ll change for you; I want to be better for you.’
I’m so engrossed in talking to the baby that I don’t register the footsteps on the stairs. The first indication I have of Scott’s presence downstairs is when he appears at the bathroom door.
‘Couldn’t sleep?’ he asks with a soft smile.
I shake my head. ‘No, my head was spinning so I came down here to think for a while. Did I wake you?’
‘Nah, I woke up a few minutes ago and wondered where you were. Heard your voice down here, so I stood at the top of the stairs and listened. Were you talking to the baby?’
‘Yeah, I … I was just saying sorry, that’s all.’ I find myself blushing when I wonder if he heard me talking about him.
He comes to join me on the bathroom floor, squeezing his six foot two frame in beside mine.
‘What were you saying sorry for?’ he asks. ‘You’ve got nothing to apologise for.’
I look at him and swallow hard. I know he won’t judge me or think I’m selfish for being worried about my body changing; he knows all about my body dysmorphia and how much I’ve struggled with it over the years. Yet I can’t bear for him to think I’ve let it ruin what’s supposed to be such a happy time.
‘You can tell me,’ he says. ‘Whatever it is, it’ll be OK.’
I sigh and look at the floor. ‘It’s the body dysmorphia … it’s sort of come back.’
When I risk a glance at Scott, I can see him biting his bottom lip and looking away from me.
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ he asks. ‘Your GP and Lisa both said you could get counselling if you needed it.’
I shake my head. ‘I didn’t want to admit I needed help, I guess. I wanted to do this by myself and prove that the body dysmorphia didn’t control me anymore. But when my bump started growing, I … I just felt disgusting. I so badly wanted to be happy about it, but it felt like I was losing control. Like I was watching myself go back to Chunky Monkey again. Then tonight, when I thought I was going to lose the baby, I realised how selfish I’ve been.’
Scott looks at me, his eyes full of sorrow. ‘You haven’t been selfish, Cleo, not for a second. Body dysmorphia’s a medical condition: if you need help for it, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t mean you’ve been selfish, just that you need some extra help and support.’
‘I know I can’t control it, but the baby deserves the best mum in the world. I really want to be that, but how can I be if all I can think about is how fat and ugly and worthless I am? I know it’s not true, I know they’re just bad thoughts caused by a chemical imbalance, but that doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. Tonight, I finally realised how much I love the baby… and it took me nearly miscarrying for that to happen. I feel awful about that. I’m going to talk to Lisa about going to counselling; I want to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, especially after what happened tonight.’
Scott edges closer to me and I rest my head on his shoulder.
‘Do you remember that day we went for a walk in the woods? And we started talking about having kids?’ he asks.
I smile as my mind conjures up the photo of us from that day in the living room. ‘Of course I do.’
‘And do you remember what I said to you?’
He gently manoeuvres me until I’m sitting between his legs, back pressed into his chest. He wraps his arms around my waist and clasps his hands on my bump.
‘You said I could be the size of ten walruses and you’d still find me attractive.’ I giggle as the memory makes its way to the front of my mind again. ‘And that I’d make a great mum.’
‘Both those things are still true,’ he says with a smile. ‘I can’t wait to see you with our baby.’
I slip into a dreamy reverie as I imagine trips to the park, lazy Disney movie days and all the other things we have to look forward to.
‘It’s going to be amazing,’ I agree, really feeling for the first time like it will be. ‘I can’t believe we’ll be parents this time next year.’
Scott swallows hard and shuffles round so he can see me while he holds me. ‘I’ve been thinking … Well, wondering really. The first few weeks after the baby’s born will be really hectic, so it won’t really be practical to go back and forth between here and my flat.’
I nod, trying to imagine carting a newborn baby with all their toys, clothes and toiletries between two houses.
‘So …’ He pauses and gives a nervous chuckle. ‘I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea for us to live together for a bit. I could move in here or you could stay at my flat. Here’s probably better because there’s more room, but if you want to stay at my place, that’s totally fine. It’d just be for a few weeks anyway, until things settle down and we can get into a routine.’
My heart leaps and I feel goosebumps rise on my skin that has nothing to do with how cold it is.
‘That sounds great,’ I say. ‘It might be an idea if you move in soon though, just to get settled.’
‘Definitely,’ he agrees. ‘I’ll have to give notice on my flat, but I could start moving stuff in next month? Gives us plenty of time to get things ready before the baby comes.’
‘You’ve got yourself a deal,’ I say with a smile.
Chapter Twelve
The next morning, I’m under strict instructions to do as little as possible. Scott sets me up on the couch with blankets, pillows, snacks and Netflix before heading to work.
‘Remember, you’re supposed to be relaxing today,’ he says as he’s about to head out the door. ‘No baking batches of brownies or rearranging the living room furniture, OK?’
I frown. ‘Are you saying there’s something wrong with the way I’ve got the living room laid out?’
‘No, I’m saying I know what you’re like when you’re supposed to be taking it easy,’ he replies with a grin. ‘But now you come to mention it, I think the TV would look better on the opposite wall.’
I pick up a cushion and throw it at him as he ducks behind the door and dives into the hall.
‘I’ll bring you some food later if you’re nice to me,’ he says. ‘See you later!’
I wait until I hear the door close then blow a loud a raspberry. Surely he can’t expect me to lie here all day, even if I do still have a whole series of Riverdale to watch. Lisa said I had to take it easy, not cease physical activity altogether. I didn’t even have a chance to change out of my pyjamas before Scott set me up
in my blanket-and-pillow fort. Surely going for a shower and getting dressed won’t cause any problems?
Just then, my phone buzzes. It’s a text from Scott: Sit your arse back down Cleo. At least pretend you’re going to relax today.
How the hell does he do that?! I fire back a quick reply: You’re not the boss of me anymore, remember? I’m an independent woman these days.
His response reaches my phone within seconds: Don’t make me come back there. I’ll wrap my arms around you and watch Netflix with you all day if I have to.
I let out a little gasp. The thought of having his strong arms wrapped around me sends a familiar heat creeping over my skin. I almost want to test him to see if he’ll keep to his word. I type back I dare you and stuff the phone in my dressing gown pocket.
I get up and make for the staircase until I see the front door handle turn. I freeze in place as I wait to see who’ll walk through the door. Is it Scott, come to wrap his arms around me and drag me onto the couch for a day of Netflix bingeing?
‘Hiya love,’ Mum says, casually breezing into the hall. ‘Why aren’t you dressed yet?’
I let out a groan of frustration and hope my excitement at the flirty banter with Scott goes away soon.
‘We’ve talked about you just showing up like this,’ I reply. ‘I’ve told you to phone me first.’
Mum shakes her head. ‘Don’t be ridiculous Cleo, I’m your mum! Now I’ll ask you again: why aren’t you dressed or at work yet? I went over to the bakery to get some morning rolls and Fred said you’d called in sick.’
I sigh and bite my lip. Although my relationship with my mum has vastly improved over the last year, I’ve no idea how to tell her this.
‘I … I had a scare with the baby last night. I started cramping and bleeding so Emma and Scott took me to the hospital. Everything’s fine, I just have to take it easy for a couple of days. I’m going for another scan tomorrow just so they can double check nothing’s wrong, but the midwife said she thinks it’ll be OK.’