by Lynsey James
‘Have a good sleep,’ he says.
‘Thank you,’ I reply, hoping my disappointment doesn’t show. ‘You too.’
This is definitely not my ‘I got off the plane’ moment.
Chapter Nineteen
This may go without saying, but I’m not exactly a natural yogi.
Back in my dancing days, I was bendy and flexible but nowadays it’s a very different story. I can just about tie my shoelaces without any major incident, but downward facing dog and sun salutations are completely alien to me.
So when it’s time to go to the prenatal yoga class with none other than Amanda Best, it’s fair to say I’m a little apprehensive.
‘It’ll be fine,’ she says as she links arms with me on our way inside. ‘I’ve been doing yoga for years, but you’ll be absolutely fine. We’re pregnant so they can’t give us any of the complicated stuff, can they?’
*
As it turns out, they can.
I try to manoeuvre my body into what the instructor calls the ‘triangle pose’ and end up looking like an absolute tool.
‘Are you managing at the back?’ the instructor asks. Her voice doesn’t sound quite so calm and soothing now.
‘Yeah, absolutely fine,’ I lie, trying to shuffle myself into the correct position.
She comes over to me and gently moves me until I’m in the triangle pose. It actually feels quite relaxing now that I know I’m doing right. I see her flash Amanda an appreciative smile on her way back to the front.
The best part of the class is the extended relaxation session at the end. Practicing my deep, cleansing breaths and lying on the mat really puts me at ease for the rest of the day.
‘What did you think?’ Amanda asks as we leave. ‘Fun, right?’
‘I’d definitely do another one,’ I reply. ‘It was really relaxing, but I don’t think I’m quite a natural yet!’
‘You’ll get the hang of it,’ she says with a kind smile. ‘Fancy going for something to eat?’
I look at her for a moment. This really isn’t like her; it seems as though a new Amanda’s emerged now that she’s pregnant.
‘You know what,’ I say. ‘I’d love to.
*
We end up at a cute little café near the fitness centre. I’m a little bit reluctant to join Amanda in having a chocolate brownie, but I remember what my therapist said about balanced eating; that one treat wouldn’t put me back to my former weight, just like one healthy meal wouldn’t give me my dream body.
So, with that in mind, I decide to have one.
It’s a nice day, considering we’re well into autumn now, so we decide to sit at a table outside. Just as we’re getting comfortable, I hear Amanda’s phone buzz. She takes it out of her bag and her face immediately twists into a murderous glare.
‘Everything OK?’ I ask.
She sniffs and puts her phone away as quickly as possible. ‘Yeah, of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?’
‘No reason … It’s just you looked quite annoyed when you saw what was on your phone,’ I reply, treading as carefully as I can. We’ve had a lovely time together so far and I don’t want to ruin it.
‘Just one of those stupid “have you been in a car accident?” messages,’ she says, giving me a look that suggests further talk on the subject wouldn’t be welcomed. Moments later, her sunny smile returns. ‘I had my twenty-week scan a couple of days ago. I’m having a little boy.’
‘Oh, that’s great! What did Steve think?’
She looks confused for a moment, as though she doesn’t have a clue who I’m talking about. ‘Oh … He was really pleased. We’ll have a little mini version of him running around soon!’
‘Amanda … Don’t take this the wrong way, but is there actually a Steve? Because he hasn’t been at any of the scans with you and I didn’t see him helping you move in last week.’
Her face flushes scarlet and her eyes widen. ‘Of course there’s a Steve! He’s just been busy working, I’ve told you that already. How dare you try and say he’s not real? You might have Scott around all the time, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the same for all of us!’
Her eyes glisten with tears that she wipes away before anyone can see them properly. I can tell I’ve rattled her, but decide to press her further. If she’s in trouble or going through such a huge experience alone, I at least want to try and help.
‘Amanda … there’s no shame in being a single parent. That’s what I’m going to be as well, even though Scott’s going to be around to help me. I know it’s scary, but you don’t need to lie to anybody or hide it from them. If you need help, I can help you.’
I reach out to put my hand on hers and I’m surprised when she doesn’t flinch or pull away.
She sighs and runs a hand through her blonde curls. ‘OK, you’ve got me. There’s no Steve. Well, there was. I was engaged to him up until about six months ago. Only I did something stupid and ruined everything, didn’t I?’
She lets out a hollow chuckle before the tears start flowing. Her head sinks onto the table as wailing sobs erupt from her. I pat her back and try my best to make soothing noises. Other diners are looking over at us, but I ignore them.
‘What happened?’ I ask. ‘If you tell me, I’ll tell you how I ruined things with Scott.’
I’m hoping that by using my own stupid mistake as a bargaining chip, she’ll tell me what’s going on. Offering her a shoulder to cry on still feels odd, but she doesn’t feel like my old school bully anymore. She seems like a scared, vulnerable woman who’s been living a lie for way too long.
She looks up and laughs, brushing some tears off her cheeks. ‘Adam Hartwell happened. We kept in touch on and off over the years after we left school, but we … reconnected at the school reunion. I ended up back at his hotel room, which wasn’t my best decision. Then … I don’t know, we couldn’t keep away from each other. They say you never have a love like your first love, don’t they? Well, I was sneaking off to hotels with Adam and pretending to Steve that everything was fine. He was such a good guy; he stood by me when I lost my job, helped me find another one and told me it would all be fine. I think I just felt like my life was falling apart around me, so I pressed the self-destruct button on everything I had left. Figured I’d lose it anyway, you know? He was so devastated when he found out, kept asking me over and over again why I’d done it and I couldn’t give him an answer. Adam and I tried to make a go of things, but he kicked me out of his flat as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He doesn’t “do” family apparently.’
I let out a snort of disgust. ‘What a prick! You deserve so much better than that, Amanda, you really do. Does he not want anything to do with the baby at all?’
She shakes her head. ‘Nope, not a thing. He wants to keep his carefree party lifestyle going and not be tied down with a kid. We met up to talk it over after he kicked me out and he basically said I’m on my own. My mum’s disgusted with me because of how I treated Steve, so she doesn’t really want to know either. She thinks I’ve made my bed so I should lie in it. I’ve been staying on friends’ couches for the past few months while I looked for a place in Silverdale. When Rose Cottage came up, I snapped it up as quickly as I could.’
I cast my mind back and picture Mrs Best in my head. She reminded me of Miss Trunchbull from Matilda crossed with a Barbie doll.
‘So you’ve been on your own this whole time?’ I say. ‘Why didn’t you say anything when I first saw you at the hospital? You could’ve come and stayed at my place.’
Amanda chuckles and shakes her head, picking away at the remains of her muffin. ‘I couldn’t exactly ask the person whose life I made hell at school for a place to crash until I got myself sorted out! I don’t deserve you being so kind to me, Cleo.’
‘High school was over a long time ago, Amanda. I held onto it for such a long time, but last year I finally learned to let it go. I realised I didn’t have to be Chunky Monkey anymore, and you don’t have to be the bully either. You can just
be Amanda and I’ll be Cleo.’
She swallows hard and I can tell she’s about to cry again. ‘That sounds good to me. Anyway, why don’t you tell me what happened with you and Scott? When I saw you at the gender reveal party, I could’ve sworn you two were together. You’ve looked pretty close the other times I’ve seen you too.’
I take a deep breath and tell her everything: about the whole mess with Australia, the one-night stand, and how I’m still hopelessly in love with him.
‘And there’s absolutely no hope of fixing it?’ she asks.
‘Nope. As Taylor Swift says, we are never ever getting back together.’ Although I’ve said this to other people, it doesn’t get any easier to acknowledge it. ‘If we’d just been honest with each other after we spent the night together, we wouldn’t be in this mess. We’d have picked up where we left off by now, probably.’
The thought of what could’ve been plunges an imaginary knife into my heart. I picture us laughing together, having lazy movie days on the couch and loving each other the way we always have.
‘I know I’m not exactly in the best position to offer friendly advice here, but if you want to be with him you should fight for it. I threw away the best relationship I ever had for a guy who thought it was OK to throw a pregnant woman out onto the street. If I could turn back time and fix things with Steve, I would. You still have a chance to fix things with Scott. And if there’s still a chance, it’s worth a shot. I get that you want to do the right thing for the baby, but you deserve to be happy too. I don’t know a whole lot about love, but I know it when I see it. You two … you just have it. It’s like magic. Don’t let that go without a bloody big fight.’
I nod as I let what she’s just said sink in. Although it’s come from the unlikeliest source, it’s great advice.
‘You’re right,’ I say. ‘I want to be with him more than anything else in the world and I don’t want to lose what we have without at least trying to fight for it!’
‘You go girl!’ Amanda yells, offering her hand for a high-five before putting it down again. ‘We’re not quite at that stage yet, are we?’
I shake my head and chuckle. ‘One day, maybe. Let’s just stick to being yoga buddies for now.’
*
When I get home, I’m more than ready to tell Scott I want to be with him. No more distractions or playing it off as a slip of the tongue: I’m going to lay it all on the table for him. As Amanda said, if there’s still a chance it’s worth a shot.
My heart is pounding against my ribcage, the baby is kicking like mad and I feel myself begin to shake. This could be the biggest moment of my life, the one where everything finally falls into place. I picture myself giving the speech at my high school reunion and remember how powerful and confident I felt. I need to be that Cleo right now, so I can tell Scott how I feel.
I burst through the door, throwing my bag down and making my way to the living room.
‘Scott, I need to talk to you about something really important. It’s …’
I trail off as soon as I see his face. Tears are running down his cheeks and his entire body is trembling.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, rushing to his side and sitting next to him on the couch.
‘It’s my mum,’ he sobs. ‘She’s been in a car accident.’
Chapter Twenty
The drive to the hospital is fraught with tension. Scott doesn’t have a lot of information about what happened. All he knows is that Marilyn was being driven back from a shopping trip to buy baby things when a car emerged from a junction at the wrong moment and struck the Rolls-Royce. The chauffeur and other driver escaped with minor injuries, but Marilyn was badly hurt.
‘I-I don’t even know if she’s OK.’ His voice shakes as he clutches the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are white. ‘Donald couldn’t tell me anything.’
‘She’ll be fine, I promise,’ I say, putting a hand on his arm and not knowing what else to say.
‘Don’t say that,’ he snaps as tears spill down his face. ‘You don’t know that, so don’t make promises you can’t keep!’
I retreat back into my seat, folding my arms across my bump and looking out of the window. As I look at him, I want to conjure up the magical phrase to make all of this go away. The only time I’ve ever seen him this scared was when we thought I might be losing the baby. Usually, he’s the calm and strong one who holds everybody else together.
Now he needs me to do that for him.
*
Donald meets us at reception when we get to the hospital. His face is pale and worry is set into it.
‘What’s happening? How is she?’ Scott asks.
‘She’s in theatre right now,’ he replies, running a hand through his thinning hair. ‘She hit her head pretty badly and they’re doing surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain.’
Scott lets out a sharp breath and looks as though he might collapse. I take charge and lead him over to one of the available seats.
‘Did they say how long the surgery would take?’ I ask.
Donald shakes his head. ‘I’ve got no idea. They said they’d let me know as soon as they had news.’
‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ Scott whispers, closing his hands over his nose and mouth, then running them through his hair. ‘What if she …?’
‘Don’t say that,’ I say. ‘Don’t even think it. You’ll end up driving yourself crazy and your mum wouldn’t want that. We’re here and there’s nothing we can do until she’s out of surgery.’
He looks at me and nods. ‘Y-you’re right; I just can’t stop thinking about that dinner party where we all ended up arguing. I was so angry at how things turned out that night. I didn’t tell her how much I love her or how much she means to me. I shouted at her and stormed out.’
I decide to risk putting my hand on his arm again. ‘Scott, you two have an amazing relationship. That dinner party was a disaster, but there’s no doubt she knows how much you love her.’
His face crumples and he throws his head into his hands. ‘But I never apologised for that night! And now I might never get the chance to …’
I open my arms and he lets me pull him into them while he cries. I whisper over and over again that I’m here for him and that things will be OK. I remind him how strong and stubborn Marilyn is and how she can get through anything.
‘Do you really think she’ll leave without meeting her first grandchild?’ I chuckle. ‘Not a chance! She’ll be ordering the nurses around before you know it.’
Scott manages a smile as he wipes his eyes. ‘You’re amazing, you know that? You … I dunno, you always know what to say to make things seem better.’
Our eyes lock and a million words go unspoken between us. I clear my throat and stand up, smoothing my top down. Now isn’t the time for longing glances across the hospital waiting room. He needs me to be strong, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I glance over at Donald, who looks like he’s a million miles away, staring into space with a blank expression on his face.
‘I’ll go and get us some coffees,’ I say. ‘You stay here.’
‘I could come with you,’ he offers. ‘You might need some help carrying them back.’
I shake my head and put a hand on his arm. ‘I’ll manage. Donald needs you more than I do right now.’
I turn to walk down the corridor in search of a vending machine, when his voice stops me in my tracks.
‘Cleo … thank you.’
We exchange smiles and I feel like my heart might burst. I head down the corridor, trying not to think about how different things could be if only we’d both made other choices.
*
I return a few minutes later with three cups of weak-looking coffee. Part of me wishes I’d asked Scott to come with me because balancing three cups is a bit tricky, but I manage nonetheless.
‘Have you heard anything?’ I ask.
Scott shakes his head as he takes a cup from me. ‘No, nothing yet. We’ll probably be
here for a good few hours. Why don’t you go home and rest?’
‘I’ll stay,’ I reply, sitting down next to him. ‘I’ll drive myself nuts sitting at home waiting for news.’
I cast a sideways glance at Donald, who looks stricken. It’s horrible seeing a man who’s usually so sure of himself look so lost and alone. He might’ve let himself down at the dinner party, but I know for a fact he’d be lost without Marilyn. They complete each other, just like Scott and I did once upon a time.
Although I’m here for him right now, I can’t help wishing we were back together. My mind starts tracing back through the last few months, right back to when we collided in a moment of pure heat. Did we seal our own fates by deciding not to talk to each other about what happened? He thought I needed space, I assumed he didn’t want anything to do with me. If we’d been honest and talked things out, who knows where we could be now?
Just then, I hear a pair of high heels clicking across the hospital floor, followed by a familiar voice.
‘Oh my god Scott, how are you?’
Natalie.
He looks absolutely gobsmacked to see her as she winds her arms round his neck and pulls him close for a hug. All I can do is watch with my mouth hanging open.
‘What are you doing here?’ he asks, taking a step back to look at her properly.
‘I was on a shoot in Manchester when Donald contacted me to let me know what happened. How are you guys doing? Have you heard anything?’
I feel a stab of hurt. I’ve always known that Natalie was still close to Scott’s family – she was his last serious girlfriend and they were together a long time – but I didn’t know she was still someone to contact in situations like this.
‘We don’t know anything,’ he replies, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘I don’t know how long it’ll be until she’s out of surgery.’
His voice cracks and Natalie reacts within seconds. She puts an arm around his shoulder and holds him close as she strokes his hair.
‘Shhh,’ she whispers. ‘It’s OK.’
I clench my hands into fists as I watch her comfort him. All I can think is that should be me. And it would’ve been me if things had played out differently.