by SJD Peterson
“I figured as much, what with the new neglect of the razor.”
Jimmy ran his hand over his jaw, his lip curling. “I never used to be able to grow a full beard. I kind of like it.”
I love it. “It suits you, makes you look all manly.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Jimmy scoffed. He put his hands on his hips and pushed out his chest. “I don’t need no damn facial hair to be manly.”
Eric pursed his lips and tried for a disbelieving expression as he raked his eyes down Jimmy’s body, but he wasn’t sure if he pulled it off. Jimmy was really manly and his tight jeans highlighted the impressive bulge in his Wranglers. Eric wanted some. Bad. He swallowed down his moan and squeaked out a grunt before he turned away.
“Hey, I am, dammit,” Jimmy protested.
“Uh-huh. Let’s move along, shall we?” He really didn’t need to be thinking about how manly Jimmy was, because seriously, he wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to be able to hold back his growing desires for the man.
“Well, we can’t all be brawn and no brains,” Jimmy taunted. “My superior brain takes a lot of blood pumping through its massive size. It leaves little for brawn.”
“You keep telling yourself that.”
“I’m going to keep telling you that too until you believe me.”
Eric spotted Rodney and Kirk riding up the trail. Eric had sent them out to check fences and had buggered off claiming he had other chores to take care of. How the hell was he going to explain why he was freshly showered and wearing clean clothes? Screw it, he was the damn boss, he didn’t have to explain himself.
“Hey, Jimmy,” Rodney said in greeting and then cut a glance toward Eric. “Chores, huh?”
Eric ignored him and left the three to catch up, using the excuse he had to piss. After spending the last hour with Jimmy, he wasn’t lying about having to use the bathroom. His dick was aching, being semihard and bent at an awkward position.
“Is that Jimmy I saw come up the drive?” his mom asked when he walked through the back door.
“Yes, ma’am. Was just showing him what we’ve gotten accomplished since he left.”
Mom looked up from the sink where she was washing a head of lettuce and smiled. “I bet he was impressed. You’ve been working really hard.”
“Yeah, he was,” Eric said absently. He turned his back to his mom and discreetly adjusted his dick and then pulled open the door to the fridge, scanning the contents. “Don’t we have any tea?”
“There are two jugs of sun tea on the back porch. They should be ready, grab them, will you?”
“Sure.” He retrieved the jugs, setting them on the cupboard, and grabbed a glass of ice. His throat was so dry he downed an entire glass.
“Why don’t you invite Jimmy to stay for dinner? I’m sure with him being at the hospital lately and his parents in Florida he could use a good home-cooked meal.”
“All right, I’ll ask him.” He set his empty glass in the sink and headed back out the door for more torture, but at least his dick had softened and his mouth was no longer dry. That lasted until he rejoined the guys in the barn and found Jimmy leaning over the gate to a stall, laughing.
For the love of God, can’t I get a break?
His dick responded by twitching, and he sighed. Apparently there were no breaks in his immediate future.
THROUGHOUT HIS life, the one place Jimmy felt most at home when he wasn’t at his own, was Eric’s house. As kids they’d check with the other to find out what their moms were cooking for dinner and then decide which house they’d be eating at. Never had he felt out of place or uncomfortable sitting around the Halter dinner table, until now. He’d have sworn Eric had let go of his anger and forgiven Jimmy for his insensitivity. Hell, they’d been texting and Skyping every day the past two weeks, and Eric hadn’t so much as hinted that he was still pissed at Jimmy.
Then again, it didn’t feel like anger he was detecting from Eric, more apprehension or…. Jimmy wasn’t rightly sure what it was, but there was definitely something up. Eric was tense through the entire meal, rarely even glanced in Jimmy’s direction.
Whatever it was that had Eric all tied up and tense, they’d be talking about it. No way were they going to be keeping shit from each other and end up back to being uncomfortable around the other or heaven forbid, mad at each other again. His insensitivity had nearly destroyed them, and no matter what his reasoning had been at the time, he wouldn’t let it happen again. It was a lame excuse at the time, and now knowing what could happen between them, it would be friendship suicide.
After thanking Mrs. Halter for dinner and saying good night, Jimmy followed Eric out the back door. As soon as the screen shut behind them, he grabbed Eric’s forearm. “Let’s go,” he demanded and pulled him along down the stairs toward Jimmy’s car.
“What the hell?”
“Get in.”
“Where are we going? I got shit to do.”
“Yeah, you do, now get in.” Jimmy slipped behind the wheel, and when Eric hesitated, Jimmy fired up the car and rolled down the passenger side window. “Don’t make me hog-tie your ass and shove you in the trunk.”
“Put a little scruff on a man’s chin and he thinks he’s fucking Hercules,” Eric grumbled, but he got into the car.
“We’ve already established the manliness.” Jimmy smirked and ran his hand over his jaw.
“So what’s up with the kidnapping?” Eric asked as they cruised along the back dirt roads.
“We had our deepest talks while either riding the fence line or while out at the sinkhole. I figured since it was too late for a ride, the sinkhole it was.”
“Deep talks, huh?” Eric asked skeptically.
Jimmy didn’t respond; instead he turned up the radio. He had a lot to say to Eric, and he didn’t want any distractions when he said it. They were sitting on the hood of Jimmy’s car, looking out over the water, before Eric prompted him.
“How’s things going at the hospital? Oliver still bugging you?”
“He did for a few days, but I think he’s finally given up.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I’m pretty sure it was the two letters after my name he liked being associated with rather than me. I saw him last week with one of the ob-gyns and haven’t heard from him since.”
“Fucking gold digger. Good riddance.”
“Amen,” Jimmy agreed and high-fived Eric. “But I didn’t bring you out here to talk about Oliver. In fact, let’s never speak of that twit again.”
“Works for me. So what did you want to talk about?” Eric asked.
Jimmy had been avoiding this subject for far too long. He had a pretty good idea of what was causing Eric’s sudden tense behavior while around him. He knew it wasn’t about his past insensitivity, but about what Jimmy had revealed while drunk. He didn’t remember everything, but enough of it had come back to him that he knew it had to be addressed. Now that he had Eric next to him, he was scared shitless to say anything.
“We just need to talk,” he finally managed to squeeze out. “There has been an elephant in the room with us since the night I got drunk and we need to stop tiptoein’ around it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You were upset, got drunk, and suffered the hangover. Over and done.”
“There is a hell of a lot to talk about, and you know it,” Jimmy insisted. “I may not remember everything, but enough has come back that I know why you’re uncomfortable being around me.”
“I’m not uncomfortable around you,” Eric said weakly without turning his gaze away from the water. The tension in his ramrod-straight spine said otherwise.
“Bullshit. We can’t have any more secrets between us if we want our friendship to survive.”
“We’ll be fine. Do we really need to talk about what you did or didn’t say that night?” Eric looked up briefly and then down at his hands.
“Yeah, we do.” Jimmy stared at Eric’s hands dangling limply between his
legs and wanted so badly to grab one and entwine their fingers to keep Eric from running away when he heard what Jimmy had to say, but he didn’t. He was sure this was hard enough on Eric to deal with that he wouldn’t want to be touched by a man about to pour his heart out. Jimmy took a deep breath, feeling both relieved and terrified as he began.
“I’ve known I loved you since I was young, but I never questioned it.”
“Jimmy—”
Jimmy held up his hand. “Please, I just need to get this out.”
Eric looked completely freaked-out, but he nodded.
Jimmy took another deep breath and blew it out slowly. He could do this. He had to do this. “I was starting to say, we’ve always been buds, more than buds. Hell, we were like family. So when we were young teens and these crazy ideas about you started popping into my head, I thought I was some sick pervert to be thinking things like that about someone who was family. I tried, I swear to God, Eric, I did try to quash those feelings, but they didn’t go away, they only got stronger until I thought I was going to fucking burst. It was then that I knew I had to get away from this place. Away from you. That’s why I left, why I hooked up with Oliver. Now do you understand the choices I made? It wasn’t you, it was me and my fucking inability to control my wants and needs. The problems we’ve had are on me. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself and fucked everything up. I just don’t know how to stop being in love with you and start just loving you. But I promise, I’m trying.”
Eric’s face was completely blank. Jimmy knew he was taking a risk by admitting all this to Eric, and now that he had gone all-in, he felt as if he’d gambled everything away. He stood up on shaking legs and crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself.
“I’ll take you home.”
“What the hell do you know about what I want?” Eric’s voice was ragged.
Jimmy nearly stumbled back in the face of Eric’s anger, but then Eric was standing in front of him, placing his hands on Jimmy’s shoulder, dragging him close, and then Eric’s mouth was on his. Jimmy was too stunned to respond, his head spinning, but obviously his body didn’t have the same issue because his lips parted, allowing Eric better access. The sweet taste of his best friend flooded his senses like a drug.
Eric dug frantic fingers into Jimmy’s hair and pulled him close, devouring his mouth, as if Eric were claiming him, marking Jimmy as his. Wow, guess I’m not the only one who has been keeping secrets, Jimmy thought. But then the kiss deepened and all conscious thought was driven out of his head by pleasure and need.
When Eric finally ended the kiss, he was gasping and his dark brown eyes were utterly wild. He put his fingers to his bottom lip, wincing, and then pulled it back, looking at it. He held it up, showing off a small smear of blood.
“You bit me!”
“Damn right,” Jimmy said fiercely. He pulled Eric to him and sucked Eric’s bottom lip into his mouth, licking aggressively before releasing him again. “How long?”
Obviously Eric understood what Jimmy was asking of him because he hung his head and whispered, “For a couple of years. It just kind of, I don’t know, hit me after you stopped talking to me after you hooked up with Oliver. Honestly, though, I think it had been building up for a long time. Years, maybe. And when I thought I lost you to Oliver…. I think I finally realized how I really felt. How much I needed you in my life. After a while it got to be all I could think about. It has been driving me crazy, making me do crazy shit.” Eric raised his head, looking so damn scared and unsure of himself. “I am crazy, aren’t I?”
Jimmy took a step forward and took Eric’s hands in his, entwining their fingers and pulling him close. “We’re both crazy. Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“How could I?” Eric asked, giving him an aggrieved look from under furrowed brows. “Even when you admitted how you felt about me the night you caught Oliver cheating on you, I wasn’t sure if I could tell you. I’m not even sure I’m doing the right thing by admitting it now.”
“Why would you say that? I’m glad we both are finally exposing our secrets. I’ve always hated lying to you and myself.”
Eric yanked his hands away and turned toward the water. He ran both his hands through his hair and then plopped down on his ass and pulled his knees to his chest. “This is going to end badly. Bad. Bad. Really fucking bad,” he muttered over and over.
“Why is it a bad thing?” Jimmy asked meekly, suddenly as scared as Eric professed to be.
“Don’t you get it, Jimmy? This is going to change everything. We can never be what we used to be. We’ll never have that easy friendship again.”
Jimmy wanted to wrap Eric in his arms and promise him everything was going to be okay, but he held back. All he could do was sit next to him and try to reassure him even though he had no idea how when Jimmy still didn’t understand why it was such a horrible thing that they had finally admitted their true feelings to each other. Jimmy was being torn in half by elation and unbelievable sadness.
“What do you want me to say? What can I say that will make this better?” Jimmy finally asked quietly when the silence stretched on for far too long.
“I want you to promise me that things won’t change between us.”
“I can’t do that.”
Eric’s head snapped to the right, his dark eyes flashed with anger. “Why the fuck not?”
“Because things have already changed, Eric,” he responded, keeping his voice low and calm. “Keeping secrets nearly destroyed our friendship and now that we are trying to get back what has always been special between us, it can’t go back to lies. The only thing that is the same is the fact that I love you and always have. What you do with that information is up to you.”
“Honestly?” Eric stared at him for a long moment with what Jimmy could only describe as pleading eyes, but Jimmy didn’t know how to help him or how to make this any easier on either of them. He remained silent and waited.
ONCE AGAIN Eric felt as if his heart would leap out of his chest as he continued to stare at Jimmy. It was on the tip of his tongue to profess his love, not a brotherly or best-friend type of love, but that he was in love with Jimmy. However, the nervousness was churning in his gut and the insecurity he was drowning in had dried his tongue and throat, and he could barely swallow, let alone speak.
Get it together. You’re fucking losing it. Breathe, you dumbass, breathe.
Eric pulled in a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly as he forced down the lump in his throat. He was done being a fucking scaredy-cat and dolt. Jimmy was right, things had changed between them and they could never go back to what once was. Hell, why would he want them to? Back to hiding and lies? No fucking way.
One more deep breath and he laid it all on the proverbial table. “I don’t know what I want to do with this new information. I’ve been thinking of little else and I haven’t come to any conclusions. You’re right, things have changed and they ain’t ever going to be like they were when we were kids. That’s partly because we ain’t kids no more. But also, even confessing this stuff, I don’t know that I can trust it, or rather trust my feelings and motivations. I don’t completely understand why I’m having these thoughts. I’m not gay, never looked at another dude and thought wow, I want to fuck him. It’s always been chicks and you. What if we decided to act on this… this… you know, this attraction and it’s too fucking awkward or I get freaked out and can’t do it, or worse, it not only freaks me out but grosses me out to actually touch another guy like that?”
Jimmy stared at him for a few heartbeats and then his shoulders began to shake. From the way he was biting down on his lip, Eric knew he was doing his best to hold back his laughter.
Irritation surged up in Eric. “It’s not fucking funny.”
Jimmy held up a finger and lowered his head. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you.” It took him a few seconds to finally get his giggles under control, but when he looked back up, his eyes were still
shining with humor. “Honest, I’m not laughing at you. I was thinking about that kiss you laid on me. You sayin’ you didn’t like it?”
“Yes… no… I don’t know.” Eric sighed wearily.
“Well, I sure as hell did, and I gotta tell ya, Eric, it curled my fucking toes.”
Eric felt something explosive that he’d never experienced when kissing someone before—and he’d kissed a lot of chicks that certainly had hardened his cock and gotten him worked up—but the kiss with Jimmy had been off the fucking charts in molten heat. If Jimmy hadn’t bitten him and snapped him out of his lust, Eric couldn’t rightly say what he’d have done next or how far he would have gone. Still, Jimmy had kissed plenty of guys; was it possible he’d really thought Eric’s kiss was special?
“Really? It curled your toes?”
“Hell yes! And I’m not going to lie, I hope we get a chance to do it again.” Jimmy rubbed his fingers over his mouth, his smile disappearing. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter, serious. “I know you’re a little freaked out by it, us feelin’ this way about each other, I mean. But nothing has to change right this moment, Eric. We can continue to be friends and maybe….”
Eric cleared his throat and sat up a little. “Maybe what?”
“You know, take it slow and see where things go. I’m not sayin’ we got to jump into anything or even bed.” Jimmy looked up at him anxiously and shrugged. “Just see where things go with this new information. I mean, if you want to.”
“Give me a minute here. I’m….” Eric shook his head. He didn’t know quite how to respond. He was scared as fuck that everything would come crashing down and the fantasies of him and Jimmy wouldn’t be as great as what he’d built up in his head. Yet, he couldn’t deny the zing of excitement racing through him, knowing Jimmy wanted him so much. Then there was a part of him that was still pissed off at both himself and Jimmy for not being honest with each other. The list went on and on. Jimmy was giving him time to think, but it was obviously hard on the man, who was sitting next to him, fidgeting like a kid who had to pee.