The Brenda Diaries
Page 17
-Void doesn’t like my gray streak. Says it makes him worry about my chances for landing a husband. Don't think you can blame that on my hair.
September 14:
-Kiosk Boss suspects I’ve been entertaining other offers. If he only knew the truth maybe he could break the news to Boyfriend for me.
-Lunch with Boyfriend at the mall. Feels like 2004 again except that boyfriend had to take the bus to the mall and never paid for lunch.
-You’ll sell that last pair of sunglasses just as the person who said she’d come back in an hour for them but didn’t does. #MallLaw
-Was just short of making my sales goal for the day so I bought my granny and Sluthammer matching cool old lady shades to help all of us out.
-Void and I wore the cool old lady sunglasses while we discussed The Crucible and if there's a difference between boysluts and girlsluts.
September 15:
-Sluthammer is a little too glad I’m visiting Boyfriend’s parents this weekend. She’s totally going to have sex with MoneyBags on my bed.
-Lost a sale because I told a group of tourists that real celebrities don’t shop at this mall. I sell knock-off sunglasses, but I'm no liar.
-There’s always one security guard who takes his job way too seriously. #MallLaw
Got one of those pee-pee protector sheets for my bed. Who knows what Sluthammer has planned for it while I’m gone.
September 16:
-Last day at the knock-off sunglass kiosk until holiday shopping season. Determined to try on every pair before the end of the day.
-Wandered into boutique and tried on a pair of jeans the sale’s gal said make me look “yummy.” What wasn’t yummy was the price--$257!
-A bickering couple will always have the good part of their fight too far away for you to enjoy it. #MallLaw
-Heading to the airport. Going with Boyfriend to visit his parents up in SF. Oh, and I feel crampy. Let the oversharing begin.
September 17:
-Boyfriend’s dad likes to take in the view of San Francisco across the bay while giving it a view of his own peninsula.
-There is the good side and the best side of Belvedere. Boyfriend’s parents live on the side that makes those on the good side jealous.
-Getting the feeling that Boyfriend’s dad thinks I’m responsible for his son’s screenplay writing dreams. #FalselyAccused.
-It's so quiet in Marin/Belvedere, I can hear the silence. It's driving me crazy, but I'm trying to be quiet about it. #goodmanners
September 18:
-Overheard Boyfriend’s dad talking smack about me in the kitchen. Waited a second before I walked in. He offered me a coffee, but not a bagel.
-Trying my very best to ignore the huge wad of tension that’s bouncing around between me, Boyfriend’s dad and Boyfriend and his dad.
-Ever been out to eat and had your meal ruined by people arguing at another table? I now know what it's like to sit at that table.
-Boyfriend says he’s never speaking to his dad again. This would be a bigger deal if his dad hadn’t said it first.
-Leaving San Francisco without actually getting to visit it, but I'll always remember Boyfriend’s dad’s peninsula in all its glory.
September 19:
-At least Boss is happy that I’m back early from SF. Working for him this week and grateful for the distraction. And, of course, the money.
-Boss and Wifey are still trying to get in the family way. After the family I hung out with this weekend, I’m not so sure it's a good idea.
-Boyfriend's dad thinks I'm a bad influence. Considering I avoid Boyfriend as much as possible, not sure how I this can be true.
-Haven’t heard from Boyfriend. Guess he’s busy doing whatever he has to do. Good for him. If he does call, I'm busy, too. Very busy. Yeah.
-Sluthammer asked about my trip to SF. Told her it was okay and she immediately knew it wasn't. That girl has a 6th sense about this stuff.
September 20:
-I’ve realized what I don’t like about Beverly Hills—and it’s not the parking meters that only take credit cards—it’s the people.
-When did sperm counts, basal body temperature and cervical mucus become accepted topics of lunchtime conversations? Oh, wait, they haven’t.
-Shopping with Handy to help him spruce up his place for the arrival of his wife. She finally got her visa. He’s very happy.
-Sluthammer wants to know what’s going on with Boyfriend. I'll tell her when I find out for myself. Maybe. Is that my phone? Nope. Whatever.
September 21:
-My grandma is hooking up with the geezer from 101C. Not as grossed out about this news as I thought I’d be.
-Sluthammer says she’d move in with MoneyBags if he asked. First he has to ask his wife if it’s ok for him to move in with Sluthammer.
-Grandma asked me to buy her some jimmies and “that lube that heats up.” Now I’m grossed out…and kind of jealous.
-Boyfriend just called. He’s coming over. I’ve been living like I don’t have a boyfriend and now need to shave lots of things very quickly.
September 22:
-Sluthammer says she always knew Boyfriend would come back, but she’s surprised it’s me he’s come back to. I kind of have to agree.
-Boss just asked if I can tell when I ovulate. Told him I have a rough idea and plan accordingly.
My grandma invited me over for a visit; of course she has ulterior motives.
September 23:
-Boss says I can pick where we have lunch today. Awesome, but I’m still not going to tell him when I ovulate.
-Boss and Wifey are moving which means they’re taking my job with them. They also asked if they can take one (or more) of my eggs along.
-Boss and Wifey say they understand why I'm being stingy with my eggs, but they didn't offer to let me crash at their place if I visit NYC.
-Boyfriend wants to see a movie tonight. Not in the mood, but I’m willing to fake it for the sake of our relationship.
-Turns out Boyfriend isn’t in the mood for a movie either, but he is in the mood. Not going to happen. There’s only so much I’ll fake.
September 24:
-Sluthammer wasn’t kidding the other night—she really is moving out. Like today. She and MoneyBags are setting up a love nest in the Valley.
-Handy introduced me to his new wife who is super kind. They were painting over graffiti by the carport. I think they'll be married forever.
-Spent the day helping Sluthammer pack up her stuff. Sorry to see her go mostly because it’s to the Valley with MoneyBags.
September 25:
-I finally have my apartment back to myself. Huh....Somehow walking around in just my underwear doesn’t seem that interesting anymore.
-Can a gal have too many pairs of stripy socks? Not when they’re on sale!
-Boyfriend broke up with me. He cried. I pretended to.
September 26:
-Yep. He still is broken up with me.
-Working not with but FOR BitchFace. Considering the suck that is my life, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone especially me.
-Temp agency substitute rep says it's this job or nothing. Doubt my landlord or the student loan jerks will understand me going with nothing.
-Handy and KindWife invited me for dinner. Had lots of a potato/butter/cream dish. We're getting married as I'm now carrying its food baby.
September 27:
-Another day of working under BitchFace’s bitchy thumb. Trying and failing to find the lesson in all of it. Universe--you win. Enjoy it.
-The condolence calls about the demise of my existence as girlfriend to Boyfriend are pouring in. I’m set for drinks into November.
-BitchFace was talking smack in the ladies' room. Would've given her a big dose of my "attitude problem” but my tights were around my knees.
-Know I shouldn’t, but can’t help snickering when Void greets either of his parents with “What’s up, Tits?”
September 28:
-I don’t feel like working. Something must really be wro ng with me, but might as well get dressed, show up and get paid.
-BitchFace asked if I have a problem with her. This was her second mistake. The first was wearing all of her Target Missoni to work today.
-Does watching Teen Mom to make me feel better about my own life make me a terrible person? Maybe a little bit, but I can live with that.
-Sluthammer is giving me a "I'm better off without him" pep talk and working hard not to ask why she had to hear about it from someone else.
September 29:
-BitchFace is steering clear of me. Smart bitch.
-Thief is temping here, too. He’s also avoiding me. Smart bitch.
-Got offered a job at this place. Even though it’s not working for BitchFace, I turned it down. Just felt like the right thing to do.
-Took Yappy dog out for a walk. Didn’t even mind that I had to carry him for half of it. He’s a good listener.
September 30:
-As of 5 minutes ago, my career as a temp extraordinaire is on hold. It’s time for something new....Will figure out that new thing today.
-Watching Law & Order: SVU reruns would convince even the Dali Lama that people suck and are capable of sucking in so many ways.
-Don’t bother me, cell phone, I’m typing.
-My something new is going to be big, good and it’s going to happen on Monday, the official day of all things new, big and good.