Anything to Have You

by Paige Harbison

  “You didn’t hook up with Natalie,” she clarified.

  I couldn’t turn to look at him. I just heard him say, “No. Absolutely not. I kissed her. That’s it.”

  “Then...”

  The pieces were coming together for Brooke. As soon as I heard Eric object, I knew the truth, too.

  “Then you...” she started again. Her eyes narrowed into slits, and her chest heaved. She gave one humorless laugh and then shook her head at me with an ugly smile. “You fucking bitch.”

  I fell back from where I’d been kneeling next to her. “Br—”

  “Oh, no. You do not fucking speak.” She laughed again. I couldn’t do anything but sit there on my ass, shocked. Numbed. Horrified. It was like a nightmare.

  “Reed, you mind giving us all a ride? Home, or wherever?”

  “’Course not.”

  Bethany and Alexa walked to Brooke’s sides and helped her up. I felt like I had disappointed them, too. Like I wasn’t who they’d thought I was, either.

  Eric looked like he didn’t know what to do and wasn’t quite catching on.

  “Eric, you’re coming with us. Mom and Dad over there have a lot of shit to figure out tonight.”

  Eric caught my gaze for a moment, and must have seen something there that made him realize it was okay to retreat.

  Another cackle from Brooke, and they were gone. For the first time, Aiden and I were seriously, truly alone.

  “We should go somewhere and talk. Not here,” he said.

  “I agree.”

  We got in his Jeep and drove for a few minutes. The impending conversation was making my head spin. There were too many things to say. I now had the complete story. Brooke also knew. Judging by how angry she was—and how justifiable that anger was—everyone in that car would soon know, too.

  And yet Aiden still only knew the half of it.

  “Just pull off,” I said, indicating an empty parking lot.

  He did, and pulled into a space where we were kind of hidden. He shut off the engine and leaned back. He propped his head up on his hand, and swore softly.

  When I could no longer take the silence, and the postponing of the beginning of this conversation, I said, “You remember that night, then, I’m guessing.”

  He paused, then nodded.

  “You lied to me. You told me it wasn’t us. I asked you, straight-up, if it was us.”

  “I know.”

  “Why would you lie to me?”

  Aiden sighed deeply. “At first I didn’t realize you didn’t know. I thought you were just playing it off. But then when I came to talk to you about it at the diner...I caught on to that fact. And I started to tell you. I knew you needed to know...but I couldn’t.”

  “You needed to. I deserved to know.”

  “I also didn’t know you thought you’d hooked up with someone else.”

  “I had to assume. I knew I’d done something, and I never would have thought...I would never have done that with you—with Brooke’s boyfriend. And a girl knows when she’s done it, Aiden.”

  He winced. “I’m such a fucking idiot. It doesn’t make any sense now. I should have told you. But I kept telling myself keeping quiet was the right thing to do. I knew you would hate yourself for doing that to Brooke, and I already did. I felt so fucking bad about it. I didn’t want you to feel that guilt if you didn’t have to.”

  That I could kind of understand. Because right now, I felt like the worst human being on the planet.

  “Yeah. Well, I guess that explains why you’ve been acting so weird,” I said.

  “I’m sorry I was being a dick.” He rested his head on his hands at the top of the steering wheel. “But I hooked up with you that night because I wanted to. Because I liked you. I shouldn’t have, for a hundred reasons...but at first I was okay with it. I felt guilty, but since I was the only one who actually knew, it was like I had gotten away with it. And shit was rough with Brooke, anyway, so I kept justifying it. But Brooke didn’t deserve that. And you didn’t deserve how I started acting toward you.” He rolled his head back and forth. “Fuck.”

  An arrow of empathy went through my heart, and I longed to reach out and touch him. To comfort him.

  “It’s...” he went on “...it got even harder as the weeks and months went by, because I still liked you. And at your house that one time...”

  “After I applied to those places?”

  “Yup...I wanted to kiss you so badly. I was so happy, simply to be sitting there doing applications with you and joking around. I looked at you and it hit me that the feeling wasn’t going away. And that I would have to end things with Brooke. Then that became all I could think about.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  He turned to me, and then gave a laugh. “I had a feeling she wouldn’t tell you.”

  “Tell me... You broke up with her?”

  “Yes. Last week. I promised to still go to prom with her and act like everything was fine. Usually, she would have told you.”

  “Yeah. Usually.”

  What had happened to Brooke and me? From the way she had acted during the past couple weeks, I got the feeling that she had been uncomfortable with Aiden’s and my relationship before I had ever known it.

  My stomach clenched as I remembered that I, too, had a confession.

  “Aiden...”

  “Yeah?”

  I took in his face at that moment. The expectant look in his eyes, no idea what was coming. It was the last time he would ever live in this world as he knew it. Everything was about to change for him. I’m sure I’d looked the same way right before my dad asked me if there was any chance.

  “This is so hard to...I don’t even know how to tell you this.” He stayed silent, allowing me to find a way. So I just said it. “I’m pregnant.”

  As I knew it would, every millimeter of his face changed. But there was something there that told me that he wasn’t entirely surprised. Instead of yelling or freaking out, he reached for my hand. I let him take it as he leaned back in his seat and stared straight ahead.

  The pale blue parking lot light hit his face and eyes, and I watched him work it out in his head. And then he said possibly the only thing that could make this unbearable night better.

  “We’ll figure this out together.” He shifted to look at me. “We’re going to be okay.”

  Part IV

  Brooke

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Double Date/Big Mistake Night

  “NO FACKING WAY. Is that Natalie and Brooke? My two dream girls?”

  “Tell me it’s not Reed,” I said to Natalie.

  It was. Dammit.

  “I can’t believe you guys are here right now!” said Bethany. I snickered as I watched Natalie’s face. She’d always hated Bethany, for no reason.

  I didn’t care for her, either, but I also didn’t mind her.

  “What’s up, my bitch?” I said, allowing her to come to me.

  “Nothing, we just had a bunch of sake at the bar. They didn’t card us or anything! How awesome is that?”

  Typical night with Reed. I got an annoying pang of jealousy that she was out with him right now. Not long ago, it had been me.

  “Dude, come sit with us, pull up some chairs.” Eric invited them to sit down.

  “Don’t mind if I do take a seat.”

  He sat right next to me. I had to act like this was a huge annoyance, but in reality I was kind of excited that he was here.

  “Are you kidding me right now?” I asked, looking at him, and then to Aiden, who used to care about this kind of thing.

  “You’re harmless, are you not, Reed?”

  “Absolutely harmless. Hey, Lin, let me get a round of chilled sake for my friends.” He looked back at us.
At me. “Loves me.”

  Shots were had, and eventually we all got involved in our own conversations.

  “I can’t believe we ran into you tonight. What bad luck,” I said, crossing my legs and leaning slightly toward him in my chair.

  “I make my own luck, sweetie.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You checked in on Facebook, you dumb blonde.”

  I sneered at him. “So? Jesus, so you fucking stalked me? You’re, like, the worst thing.”

  “Actually...” He leaned back, chewing on a toothpick. “I came to check that out.” He gave a head tilt toward Aiden and Natalie, who were talking.

  I was confused. “Wait, what?”

  “This whole thing over there.”

  I lowered my voice. “Are you talking about Nat and Aiden?”

  He nodded at me, smiling a little. “Yeah.”

  “What about them?”

  “You’re kidding me, right, Brookes?”

  “Why don’t you spit out whatever the fuck you’re talking about, Reed, for real?”

  “There’s a little tension there, don’t you think?”

  “Um, no?”

  “Watch them. Don’t watch watch them, but keep your eyes out for it, and I promise you’ll see it.”

  He stared into my eyes, and I cast a glance over at Natalie.

  There was something kind of weird about the way she was looking at Aiden. I looked back to Reed, who knew I’d seen it.

  I shook my head a little, and then glanced at Aiden. He was looking at her, too, and smiling about something. He rubbed his cheek, and I looked away again.

  Reed raised his eyebrows at me.

  I couldn’t even smile back. I blinked, feeling hurt and shocked. My heart was pounding. There was no way. There was no fucking way, right? That they were, like, kind of flirting?

  Reed saw whatever it was behind my eyes and dropped his grin to shout for our waitress.

  “Lin, more sake.”

  * * *

  ONCE WE STARTED playing laser tag, which I was seriously not up for, I felt a little panicky. Reed and I stayed in a corner, hiding from everyone else.

  “You all right, Brookes?”

  “Yeah. Fucking great.”

  He pulled a joint from a box of cigarettes in his pocket and lit it. It would go unnoticed because of the dry ice floating through the place.

  “Want some?”

  “No.”

  He shrugged. “Thought it might help you.”

  I pushed myself off the wall and looked for anyone else. I found them. I found Aiden using Natalie’s gun to knock out Eric. I walked back to Reed.

  “What the fuck is going on?”

  He shrugged, eyebrows raised. “No idea. You’re way too prime to be fucked around on.”

  I looked at him. “Are you really saying that to me?”

  “Yes...?”

  “Don’t give me fucking lines.”

  He laughed. “All right, darling, anything you say.” He inhaled from the joint.

  “Oh, fuck it. Give me some.”

  He held out his hand first, and I took it. He spun me around like we were dancing, ending so that my back was to his chest. He then held the joint to my lips and let me inhale. He put his hand over my mouth, the noncigarette resting between his fingertips, telling me to hold it in. I did, until I couldn’t, and he let go and unspun me.

  “Whoo...” I said, looking at him.

  His always-intense gaze bored into mine, and a smirk grew on his face. “Come here, sexy.”

  I stepped to him. He kissed me.

  Fuck it. It seemed like I suddenly might not have anything to lose.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Four days until prom

  I WENT IN Aiden’s back door, as I had a hundred times before. It had always made for a night full of fun promise. We would watch movies, hook up, drink sometimes—that was always my favorite kind of drinking: the kind where it was just the two of us—or sometimes just sleep until our phone alarms went off, and I would sneak out and back home, no one’s parents the wiser.

  But things had been weird forever now. And I had a feeling I knew what was going to happen tonight.

  I went downstairs and saw him right where I knew he would be. He was always waiting for me on the couch, ready to extend an arm and kiss the top of my head.

  “Hey,” he said, scooting over for me to join him.

  I sat down. “Hey...”

  No kiss on the head.

  “How you doin’?”

  The coolness in his tone freaked me a little bit.

  We knew each other well enough that there were no words that needed to be spoken.

  “Aiden,” I said. “Please don’t do this.”

  He wasn’t going to deny what he was doing. I already knew that.

  “We have to. It’s already over, it’s only a matter of saying it.”

  “No, please...I don’t know why exactly it’s been all messed up, but I hate it. Don’t you hate it?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “So if we both hate that it’s fucked up, let’s fix it!”

  “Brooke.”

  “Aiden?” I started crying. “I know I’m always flirting with other people and stuff and making you jealous—”

  “It’s not making me jealous, you’re so...you have no respect for our relationship or for me as a person.”

  “Okay, but we never talk about it like this. That’s all we need to do....”

  He breathed deeply, wetting his lips and looking away.

  “It’s not right. We aren’t right.”

  Desperate, I shook my head. He let me lean over and kiss him. It was weird and seemed loud and unnatural.

  “Brooke...”

  “Don’t say it.”

  “I have to. I’m sorry.”

  Tears stung my eyes, and I felt like I had dropped a roll of ribbon and couldn’t catch it. “Aiden, no...please, I’m sorry, things have been bad lately, but I’m...I’m stressed about school, and everything. I...I’m sorry, please...”

  He sighed, but I knew there was no arguing with him. “It’s just not—”

  “No, no...stop,” I said, holding up my hands. “Fine. Okay, I get it. We’re over. Just...please, I can’t hear you say the words.”

  I wanted him to come to me, put his arms around me as he had so many times and comfort me. Tell me I was being stupid. That there was no way that was what he wanted to say. But he didn’t. He ran his hand through his hair and stared at the floor.

  “Look, I still want to take you to prom,” he said. “It’s not like I hate you or anything. Let’s go together and have a good time.”

  “Oh, there’s nothing pathetic about that.” I wiped the tears from under my eyes.

  “It’s not pathetic. We still like each other. It’ll be fun.”

  It was completely pathetic. But nothing was more pathetic than not having anyone to go with at all.

  “Okay. Don’t...can you not go out of your way to tell anyone we broke up?”

  “Okay.” He agreed, as I knew he would.

  Suddenly all of that embarrassment and sadness came back, and a new wave of stifled sobs engulfed me. I walked over to the bottom of the staircase and turned before leaving.

  “Don’t you love me anymore?” I realized only now how long it had been since he’d said it. And how pathetic I sounded asking.

  “I care about you. That’s not going to change. But we’re different than when we got together. We’re eighteen. There’s no point in trying to force something like this.”

  I knew I couldn’t reel him back in, and that was the worst part. Knowing that for once in my life, no matter how har
d I worked or set my mind to it, there was nothing I could do.

  Love is the one thing that, no matter how much you want it, if it’s not there, there is nothing you can do to get it. No measure of hard work, begging, crying, wanting or needing; nothing in the world can make love happen out of nothing.

  I could see this was hard for him, but I could also see that he had his mind made up. There was nothing left to say.

  I climbed the stairs, away from the past year and a half of my life, and walked out the front door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Prom night

  WHOA. NATALIE? PREGNANT? And I thought I had had a shitty week. What the fuck.

  I felt like I should look up into the sky to see if any pigs were flying around.

  I held her as she cried in my bathroom. It was selfish, I knew, but I was so incredibly relieved it wasn’t me. I knew everyone would be shocked. Unlike if it had been me.

  I was also pretty sure she was going to keep it. I knew all about her relationship with her mom. I knew that her mom had wanted to have an abortion. Even if Nat didn’t know it yet, that was going to stop her from doing the same.

  When we were at dinner, I couldn’t stop looking at her. Knowing that she was in her last few months of childhood essentially. Well, her own childhood, anyway.

  What? Like, seriously, what? She was going to have a baby. With Eric? That was too crazy. He was a good guy, though. He’d probably stick around and do the right thing.

  Natalie pulled me into the bathroom to tell me to stop obsessing. I hadn’t realized she’d noticed. But she was right. This wasn’t my own personal problem. Ugh, the only way I’d be able to stop thinking about it, though, was to get shitfaced. So I got on with it.

  I was used to Natalie not being a huge fan of drinking or...like, fun. But going out with her and Aiden was such an incredible drag. Neither one of them were drinking. Natalie, it made sense. But I couldn’t stand being chastised for what I was doing.

  Everyone gets drunk at prom. It’s not the end of the fucking world.

  We were in the parking lot about to go in, and it was so shocking that I would want to have some shots. I couldn’t stand it.

  I hated watching them together. I didn’t know for sure if it was my imagination that there was something between them...but there absolutely was. They were awful little mirror images, being judgmental together. It’s not like I needed Natalie or Aiden to get drunk with me, but you can have a good time sober and not judge or get mad at the rest of us. Eric, Reed, Sam, Alexa, Bethany and I were all down to get a little hammered.