WineBar: The Complete Story

by Alexis Angel

So (I think two dirty martini's later) I started telling people who asked for my number that it was 867-5309.

  Think closely to that number. Does it sound familiar? I was drinking and thought I was being clever. Thought no one would get it.

  Well, for the most part guys just put it in their phone and said cool and went on their way.

  But this one guy did not.

  He called me out on it. Told me he hadn't heard that in forever and could I sing out my number. I smiled because he was paying attention to my words and not just my tits. I think I said something like I could sing, but not in public. Only in his room or something.

  You can guess the rest. Just recounting this brings a smile to my face for a wonderful night. Memories to one day share with the grandkids. Memories that we can look back on.

  And smile, knowing that we had fun in our lives.

  Awwww

  Seriously like this book is taking forever to publish...

  I was able to read Amy's book, Outlaw's Baby, in like the 12 hours since I hit publish on this 12 inch lust vessel that will take you to paradise when you read it (LMAO)!

  So I got a really sweet email today.

  Hi! I'm a new reader, your book Python was on my recommended list, opened it up tonight, read the first chapter and had to put it down and email you.

  I love romance, traditional romance, true love, happy endings, and all that jazz, but oh my God it can get repetitively boring.

  I took a chance on your book, being the last book on my list, And one chapter in I'm so glad i did.

  I love the fact that reality is bent for your stories. And i look forward to finishing your book when the house is quiet and I have a few minutes to myself.

  Do you have any other social media platforms I can like/share your content? Would love to read more after this and follow you online?

  Thanks for even reading this.

  I gotta tell you, it just made my morning. That and I'm feeling better so watch out world. LOL.

  Dates

  This is like the looooongest wait ever....

  It's bad luck to start on a book until the first one is out. But I mean, we have Mona coming up this Monday. This is starting to get weird!

  Sooooo.....I have an OkCupid date today. Ya, I'm excited. I showered and everything, even though the date isn't for another 8 hours. I'm gonna get my hair done. And buy some new shoes! And maybe some lingerie. Although I don't expect he's gonna see it, I've like literally never met him in person so I don't think I wanna show him my thong on the first date.

  We're gonna grab a drink at a close bar in my neighborhood. They say that women can figure out in the first 3 seconds whether they're gonna sleep with a guy. They (the people who say this) are probably all guys who were decided on in the first 3 seconds by women on dates that they weren't gonna be slept with.

  Seriously, does it sometimes seem like the men that no girl wants to sleep with are the ones making all the sex rules?

  Like wait 3 dates till you have sex. Uhm....if your gross, we can be on date #56 and I'm still not gonna be even going down on you.

  And yes! We will definitely be on date #56 - I will still say yes if you ask me out because a girl has to eat. Okay, maybe not like that but I loooove going out on dates. Even if the company is boring, there is something that usually entertains me. Like breadsticks! Or martinis! Or endless shrimp! Or dressing up! Or telling bad date stories! I never say no!

  Oh, time for hair appointment but tomorrow I'll tell you how it all went down!

  zzZZZzzz

  The most boring date ever had in the history of dating...

  I mean I'm glad I went on it, just so I have stories and because it's good to start getting out there and playing the field.

  Lemme tell you one thing. Because this week had been a busy week for me, I didn't really have time to myself. The end result was that I was really kinda horny last night.

  It was a great thing that I took care of this little problem before I went out on my snoozefest of a date. Otherwise I would have probably been humping Mr. Boring Private Equity Banker's thigh not even realizing. So cheers, to all the angels in DLA who were like nope, you gotta pregame and take care of this stuff just the same as you would be doing your hair.

  So, I think the whole thing lasted maybe an hour and half. We had a drink at Bourbon at the Westin St. Francis and I sat there listening to the exciting world of Microsoft Excel and spreadsheets and the back of my head was like oh my god, a book boyfriend would completely destroy this guy right now. Like he wouldn't even date me - he'd just pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and take me to his room upstairs where he would just do me. And afterwards we'd be in insta-love and I'd have like a million of his babies and we'd live happily ever after in New York City.

  Sadly, the only HEA last night was Chocoloate Chip Cookie Dough from Haagen Dasz and going on OkCupid one more time and figuring out who I'm going to go out on my date with next Sunday.

  Tagline

  That's right. 12 Inches went in and out...of review...lol

  So, the flagship Alexis Angel book is out and I realized that it’s already the 4th of April. Time seriously flies when you have fun, you know? And, I am having so much fun doing this job. I love writing and I love making readers happy. And I love the collaborations I’m doing with Lana Hartley. I wake up and I keep thinking how amazing that I can do this for work, KWIM?

  So, one of the things I have to do is sit and figure out taglines for the books. So for 12 Inches, I got, “I got a footlong. And it tastes so good.”

  But I was also thinking “I got 12 inches for you to put in your mouth.” OR… “My 12 inches is free”.

  Or even, “The first inch is free. The other 11, that’s gonna cost you.”

  I use these on teasers, on a variety of Facebook posts, or even ads. If you think of any good ones, lemme know – because I suck at taglines.

  Oh! Stay tuned later on tomorrow for a special 12 inches giveaway! For $100!

  I’m packing again too. Gonna head either to Canada (like British Columbia) or to Yosemite sometime end of April. Not sure and can’t decide? Where do you think I should go? In March I did the Hawaii, and that was amazing. But this is gonna be some writing too, and some getting out of the writing cave and stretching my legs. I’m bikini ready, so if there’s a beach or water nearby, I’ll be able to enjoy it.

  We got a lot of releases coming up in April. Bad Brat, DILF, Woman of the House, Honor’s Outlaws, Virgin Market, and a bunch of Mona Cox books too!

  Hold onto your panties! I’m about to take you for a ride ;)

  Drunko

  One and a half bottles of wine...and an ebook later, I'm drunk, and in love with a book boyfriend lol

  I'm never gonna find anyone in the dating game if I keep falling in love with book boyfriends.

  But then again, when someone puts a tagline that says I go long, I go deep and I never go soft, how the hell can I refuse?

  Teagan is a sweetheart and when she was like hey you wanna read I was like looking at the tagline and thinking, I should probably be writing tonight. But the guy on the cover was scrumptious and now it's like 4 am and I just finished and I'm all hot and bothered and I figure I'll call my friend. He was actually asleep but I texted twice. He didn't understand why I was calling so late (seriously when the booty call partners fall asleep, you've been staying up too late reading too long).

  Anyways, I'm probably not gonna wake up in time tomorrow, so I'm just writing to tell you I'm okay. Don't worry, you'll hear from me in the afternoon, but if you wanna know why I'm gonna sleep in - this is why below lol.

  Hugs and kisses and lots of love,

  Alexis

  100 bucks

  $100 in Amazon smutbux is a whole lotta O's...ya know?

  Did that rhyme? LOL!

  And, for the first time, even if you're not on Facebook, you can participate! Yay! I know some of you guys have been blowing up my mailbox saying oh no I don't trust FB so how do I get in
on all your stuff that you do? So this way you totes get in and win some Amazon gift card maybe! The details are below.

  Like, 100 bux can get you 100 novels that are priced at 99c. Like that's like having sex with 100 guys. Imagine what that's like just for a moment!

  Like two hundred hands. 100 cocks. 100 tongues. Uhm, I'm a teeeeny tiny excited but also kinda scared hahaha.

  Like, do they stand in line. Because this isn't like a menage or anything where you reach over and grab one guy's zipper and get him all excited while another guy is kissing you and stuff. And there is like no way you can have a happily ever after with 100 guys, unless you're like a Queen Bee or something. Ironically, one of my Naughty Angels calls me Queen Bee lol.

  But, like I remember someone back in the day did like a gang bang on porn. It was like 300 guys or something. I think it was Jasmine St. Clair. I only know this because I remember I snuck upstairs to watch E! Online when they were playing the Howard Stern show. My parents wouldn't let me watch E! because I was too lil so obviously I would sneak watching it. That's the first time I ever found out what a gang bang was. I think I musta been really little because I don't think I even knew what sex was. Or maybe had a very small idea. I knew what love was. And that I was a princess. But I just didn't know how princesses were supposed to get bent over a desk and....okay anyways.

  Wow I've gone off on a tangent here. I hope I don't bore you. I just put out the giveaway on Facebook so wanted to let you guys know!

  Paying It Back

  Sooo....I had a great time yesterday, but I got to thinking...

  I have something I wanna say.

  There have been a lot of authors who have come before me or who are way bigger than me that totally helped me when they had no reason to. Like they went out of their way to help me - either by swapping, giving advice, telling me things, or anything else. I have only a tiiiiiny bit of success through good luck, but no way I did this on my own. It was all the wonderful authors.

  But what did I do to repay them thus far?

  It's been me, me, me, me, Alexis Alexis Alexis Alexis blah blah blah. I mean, I won't stop that, but it's important that I recognize them and do it in a way that's more meaningful than just words.

  So, from now on, I'm gonna try and think lil bit less about myself.

  Every week (not sure what day yet) I'm going to do something called a Naughty Angel Spotlight. Where I highlight a new author that maybe doesn't have a giant newsletter with 18,000 people to swap with. But they wrote a good book that's to market that you guys will enjoy. I'll highlight it.

  Freebies from up and coming authors. I'll feature them through the spotlight as well.

  I'll also share all this on my wall too. And in time I'll make a separate page and separate mailing list if ppl like it. But for now, this is my tiny way of giving back.

  Because here is the way I see it.

  You guys read books waaaaay faster than I can write them. You reading more authors doesn't harm me. An author doesn't have to jealously guard their readers because it takes them 2 weeks to write a book and it takes readers like 4 hours. By authors promoting each other and sharing each other, all it does is allow people with good stories to reach more readers, making more people happy.

  I guess I just wanna do something that will sort of give back to the community that's given me my dream job, you know?

  Anyways, I'll be planning this the next week or so.

  Me and Cheryl

  So I forgot to tell you I have a new release coming up!

  That's right!

  I've been busy finalizing the book this week and I'm writing the final chapters today before it goes to ARC.

  Anyways, I have to go back to writing but I'll have the excerpt later on today and the new super secret giveaway ready too.

  If I don't go back to writing Cheryl will totally be mad at me. She's like sooo patient with me. Because this is literally what it's like when I write.

  I'll message her on Facebook. And the transcript will look like this.

  Me: Hey! What u doing?

  Cheryl: I'm working on the things you asked me to do. What are you doing?

  Me: I'm writing!

  Cheryl: Good...

  Me: But I'm sorta bored...

  Cheryl: LMAO

  Me: What are you gonna do after this?

  Cheryl: I have a lot of work to do.

  Me: O ya, can you also do (insert something I just thought of)

  Cheryl: Ok...let me put it on the list

  Me: Thanks! But I NEEED to write! I'm soooo behind!

  Cheryl: Well, go write...

  Me: You're distracting me!

  Cheryl: Sorry?

  Me: Okay, I'm not answering any more PM or playing in DLA or doing anything! Gonna write!!! I mean in.

  Cheryl: Bye...

  Ten minutes later:

  Me: Hey. What u doing?

  Cheryl: Sigh...

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Some Things I Won’t Do

  So...ya, there are some things I just won't do.

  So, I’ve gone on maybe about 2 dates with this guy from Match.com. But maybe about a week and half ago, this guy came on to me at this bar I was at with my friends and was hitting on me and I was horny so I went home with him. The whole thing is purely sexual and he’s not like my lobster at all. So I know that. But the Match.com guy miiiiight have boyfriend potential. I mean, he’s playing it slow, which is fine by me. We haven’t even really kissed yet. Just after dinner he gave me a kiss on the cheek last time and the first time we just shook hands (WTF?).

  I know he’s into me, but he’s just taking his time and sometimes the dance before the actual fucking is so oh my gosh and crazy. I think it’s getting to that slow burn right now with the guy before we do it. But we really aren’t that sexual just yet. He’s mildly amusing and he has potential, but nothing where I’m about to climb on him during dinner.

  So yesterday I was going out for a drink with Match but before that I really really had this urge to see Horny Bar Guy. So I went over to his apartment which was a few blocks from the bar I was meeting Match Guy at and we fooled around for a bit.

  Problem is Horny Bar Guy is a slob and no way I’d ever use his toothbrush or anything. So now I have cum breath (you can guess what I did when I say I fooled around) and I’m off to meet Match Guy. And today is the day Match Guy wants to try and kiss me! On Date #3! When he should be trying to fuck me instead!

  I’m sorry, I may write a lot of smut and I may have pretty liberal attitudes on women and sex, but one thing I do not do is kiss another guy with another guy’s cum breath – even if its been washed down with two glasses of pinot.

  So I’m like uhmm no and Match Guy is like whats wrong. I couldn’t say.

  So now I have to go see him after work for a drink and hoping that I can get it all sorted!

  Just wanted to share with my Angels. I <3 writing to you!

  Take care and talk to you tomorrow! <3

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Spilling

  Oh, I told Match.com guy the other day what it is I do for work - which is basically be a smut queen - and he was so intimated it was crazy. Makes kinda a bit of sense though. I mean it took him 3 dates to even try and kiss me and I couldn't because I had cum breath from Arrogant Bar Guy and seeing him earlier so when we finally met for a drink I was like look I like you I think and I didn't want you to think I wasn't feeling you. So he was like oh, then why did you back away? And I was just trying to figure what to say because you can't be honest in this situation. So I was just whatever, I'm exhausted from a long day at work can we talk about something else.

  So he was like, wait, what do you do anyways. And I looked him in the eye and I was like, "Match.com Guy, I write smut."

  And he was all like, "What do you mean you write smut? I thought you worked in finance."

  "I do work in finance," I replied. "I still do c
onsulting a few hours a week to pay the bills, but I also write smut."

  "What do you mean by you write smut?" he asked again.

  So rather than tell him about you know filling holes with 12 inches of lust muscle, I opened my phone and showed him 12 Inches.

  Yeah, so he hasn't called back yet. I think it's time to move on to next guy. I'm with the parental units for Easter, but Match#2 is actually in the same neighborhood for Easter and we've been texting and I might hang out with him Monday before going home Tuesday.

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Parting the Red Sea

  I wish I could like part the Red Sea. That was pretty cool!

  We used to watch the Ten Commandments like every year when I was growing up right before Easter so yesterday it was a great thing to be able to go back and watch it with my parents. I'm talking about the Charlton Heston one.

  Although, I gotta say, I get pretty pissed off when Moses goes to the mountain and everyone seems to forget in like ten minutes what they're supposed to be doing and start building the golden calf.

  Also, I never realized this before but that was a real live frat party that they were having at the end when Moses comes back and gets mad at everyone.

  All this meant that I basically ignored Match.com guy when he texted me wanting to talk. Whatever dude. You weren't confident with a strong woman at first, I dunno if you will be now. Oprah always said the first thing a woman says is usually what they're really feeling.