Renegade Heart (Renegades Book 1)

by Lissa Lynn Thomas

  “C’mon in.” I manage, my pulse thundering in my ears.

  The door opens and Luke’s dark head pokes inside, making my heart plummet down into my stomach. I keep a smile plastered on my face, though. “Hey, sweet tart, how’s it going?” He opens the door wide and steps inside, and behind him, looking like he might be ill at any moment, is Raif. My heart starts pounding again, making me nauseous with the sudden shift.

  Trying to calm my heart before I throw up on something, I stand and motion them inside. “Hey boys. What can I do for you?”

  Luke comes over and pulls me into a one-armed hug, dropping a kiss on the top of my head. “Well, we saw you leave the bar and wanted to say hi.”

  I hug him back and grin up at him, “Hello. Yes, I figured I’d hide while I had the opportunity.” I step out of Luke’s embrace and chance a look up at Raif. He looks lost. Embarrassed. I feel my heartbeat slow to a crawl in my chest. He can’t even look at me. My stomach twists and I feel despair crowd in. But I can’t let him know I’m upset. I plaster on a huge, fake smile and hug him hard. “Hiya, cupcake. You okay?” I’m proud of myself when my voice doesn’t wobble even though I can feel the tears building in my chest.

  He’s tense at first but after a moment his arms come around me and he crushes me against his broad frame. He buries his face in my hair and murmurs into my ear, so soft I can barely hear him despite his proximity. “I’m so sorry.” I feel the shaky breath he expels skitter over my skin. “I missed you,” he continues, and I cling tight to him, afraid to reply.

  I force the tears back down. No time for them right now. And I don’t want him feeling guilty about me. I rub his back, comforting him the only way I know how. I lie. “We’re okay.” I whisper back to him as my heart splinters in my chest. “I missed you, too.”

  I can feel Luke’s keen eyes on us and I step back from Raif keeping that maniacally huge smile on my face. “Can I get you boys a drink before your set? Or just water like usual?” My voice is a little chipper, but it can’t be helped right now. Time to fake it. I’m not giving the town anything else to talk about.

  “Water’s good,” Luke says giving me a look I don’t understand. “You want to introduce us, Chlo? Or want us to grab Zora?”

  I grin at him, still faking happiness as hard as I can. “Of course, I’m introducing you.” I pat his cheek. “This is my place and you’re my boys. No one else will ever introduce you here.”

  Luke smiles at me and I feel Raif put a hand lightly on my waist. “Just making sure you were up for it,” Luke says, watching me closely.

  “Well, you should know better,” I sass back at him. “I have half a mind to be insulted by that question.”

  Raif is silent behind me, his hand like an iron branding my skin through my thin tank, but I focus on Luke and normalcy for now. I glance at the clock and see it’s almost eight. “You guys better go finish setting up. You’re supposed to start in less than ten minutes.”

  Luke nods at me still looking concerned, and Raif’s hand tightens on me for a moment. Luckily, Luke saves me further humiliation by leading Raif out. “We’ll see you in ten,” he tells me with his usual good humor. I nod like a bobble head and close the door behind them, resting my forehead against it a moment.

  We just can’t ever talk about it, I decide. We’ll be fine if we pretend it never happened. Nodding to myself, I put my game face on and leave the sanctuary of the office.

  For the rest of the night, I keep myself busy as the boys play their hearts out. It’s a good set, mostly covers with some original songs thrown in the mix. The crowd loves them, which is nothing new. Renegades is the only local band in White Oak and the boys are talented. I think they’re going places, which is why I book them at least twice a month, just like Merle did. I know I’m biased because I’m a de facto manager for them, but most of the time I prefer listening to them over anything that gets played on the radio.

  The crowd is loud and active, the dance floor full all night. Luckily, the central air works like a dream, keeping the interior of the saloon comfortable for the patrons. The kitchen closes at midnight, and once she’s finished her night time routine back there, Odetta comes out and takes a seat at the bar to watch the last of the boys’ performance. I grin, knowing it won’t be long before she’ll be out on the dance floor. Odetta loves to dance and the younger guys love getting her out on the floor.

  The Renegades start up their cover of Garth Brooks’ Ain’t Goin’ Down til the Sun Comes up and the crowd goes wild. I watch Odetta tapping her feet and singing along and after a few seconds, Wayne Beale, the sheriff’s youngest son, comes up and asks her to dance. He’s here with all his friends celebrating his twenty-first birthday and I know Odetta won’t turn him down.

  Odetta favors him with a rare wide smile and hands me her purse to set behind the bar. I laugh and egg them on. “Go on now, you two. Go show them how it’s done.”

  Odetta waves me off but in a moment, she’s out there putting the younger dancers to shame. I have no idea where the woman gets her energy from. I carry on tapping my feet as I wipe down the bar and restock the empty bowls of peanuts and pretzels. The boys will only play one more song, but last call is still hours off. I try and take advantage of every lull in the hectic Saturday pace.

  When the song ends, Odetta stays out on the floor. Raif thanks the crowd and then he does something unexpected. “Okay, this is our last song for tonight. You guys have been amazing.” I look up to find his eyes locked on mine and my mouth goes dry. “I want to take a moment to send a message out if you’ll bear with me, folks.” He shoots them his shy grin, the one that I love, the one that plenty of girls have swooned over. I’m still caught in his gaze, even from across the room. “As you know, Chloe Morris is the owner of this fine establishment. Most of you probably also know that she’s my best friend. Has been my whole life. I just want to shout out to her tonight and make sure she knows how much I love and appreciate her. She’s my rock, and I’d be lost without her. So, this song is for you, Chloe Jane, because I know how much you love it.”

  They launch into Lately by Dan + Shay and I feel tears prick at my eyes. Ridiculous of me, I know, but I know Raif hates it. He associates Dan + Shay with what he calls the pop takeover of true country music. Playing this song is Raif begging me for forgiveness in his own way. Which is ridiculous because we’re both adults and it’s not his fault that he doesn’t love me like I love him. He was drunk and emotionally wrecked and I should have stopped him. This is my fault for being selfish.

  My thoughts continue to chase each other around inside my head, but I do love this song and after a few moments, I find myself caught in the rich timbre of Raif’s voice as he sings it. The music surrounds me, his voice a velvet caress against my skin and I close my eyes against the sting of tears. My chest tightens, my breath lodged in my throat behind the tears I’m holding back, and I feel Zora come up on my side and wrap her arm around my waist. She gives me a quick squeeze, pulling me into her side and resting her head against mine. Like she knows the turmoil I’m feeling inside, how I wish so desperately that he meant the words he’s singing.

  I shoot Zora a watery grin. “I’m okay.” I mumble to her and she nods.

  “I know that. Just wanted to squeeze you.” She dimples at me and then moves along to fill an order. My face falls a bit once she’s out of sight and I battle to force my face into normal lines. I know people are watching me. I can feel their curious eyes roaming over me.

  The boys wrap up and before Luke has finished thanking the crowd, Raif is off the stage and coming straight for me. I swallow hard, working to bring moisture into the desert my mouth has become. I untie my apron for something to do and when I look up again, he’s standing in front of me behind the bar, blue eyes boring into mine. “Chloe Jane,” he says, his voice a gravelly whisper, full of so much pain and regret that it rips at my heart. “I’m so sorry about yesterday.” He sounds like he could cry.

  He opens his mouth to conti
nue, but I step forward and wrap my arms around his slim waist, needing to comfort him, desperate to stop his next words. If he says anything else, we won’t be able to go back. We’ll be talking about it and then we’ll never be the same. I can’t lose him, and I don’t want to be one more thing he feels guilty about. I burrow into his chest, clutching him to me. “It’s okay, cupcake,” I tell him again, cutting him off. “We’re okay.”

  His arms come around me and he grips me like I’m the only thing holding him together. After a moment, I feel the tension leave his body and he sags a bit against me, clasping me tighter to him. I do the same, keeping my face hidden so he can’t see anything in my eyes to give me away. And we stay that way for a long moment, his face buried in my neck, hanging onto each other for dear life.

  Chapter 6

  Raif

  Six Weeks Later…

  Bright summer sunshine is pouring in, blinding me before I even open my eyes for the first time today. I roll over and barely hold back a scream when I tumble to a hard floor. My stomach churns, threatening to return the Jack Daniels I drank for my supper after the show last night. I groan, clutching my head as it spins, attempt to stand up and open my eyes at the same time. That’s a mistake. The room whirls dizzyingly, my stomach revolts and I vomit up its contents all over the floor. I sink to the mattress once more, hands braced on my knees, waiting to see if anything else comes up.

  I almost jump out of my skin when I hear someone knocking at the door at the same time as a small hand touches my lower back. “You alright, baby?” It’s a husky voice, female. I have no earthly idea who it belongs to. I groan again and ignore her.

  There’s another knock at the door and before I can attempt to get to my feet again, I hear the door opening. “Raif? It’s Chloe, are you still in bed?”

  That wakes me up. I pull the sheet off the girl in my bed, wrapping it around my waist and meet my best friend in the hallway outside my bedroom. She looks fresh as a spring day, her long dark hair falling loose for once, hitting the small of her back. Her green eyes are wide, traveling the expanse of my naked torso before meeting mine again. Her nose wrinkles as she gets a whiff of me and I obligingly take two steps back from her. “Sorry,” I mutter. “I uh-”

  “You drank too much last night and were just emptying your guts into the toilet?” she responds with one dark eyebrow quirked.

  I grin at her sheepishly. “All over the floor, actually.” I sigh. “What can I do for you, Chloe Jane?”

  Hurt flickers through her eyes before her gaze drops to the floor and she says, with no emotion in her voice. “You forgot.”

  My bedroom door opens behind me and I close my eyes, knowing in the pit of my stomach that things are about to get even worse.

  “He’s busy, sweetheart.” The stranger who shared my bed last night declares from right behind me, her cool hand resting on my shoulder. Lisa maybe? Damn it, it doesn’t matter. I shrug her off and turn to find her naked. Super. Long black hair, big brown eyes, a nice enough body I suppose. I still can’t remember her name, though. “You should just run along now.”

  “Hey now-” I begin, but Chloe cuts me off.

  Chloe laughs. “Sure he is, honey. Odds are he doesn’t remember your name right now.” I frown, my face heating at her words. Chloe shakes her head in my general direction. “I’m guessing we won’t be working on any songs today, so I’m gonna go to work.” She sounds hurt and maybe even a little pissed off.

  “Chloe, wait, I’m sorry.” I try, but she’s walking away without looking back. The black-haired girl grabs my elbow when I make to follow her. “Let me go.” I say without turning around, my voice cold. The girl drops my arm like I might bite her.

  “Asshole.” She mutters and storms back into my bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

  “Chloe!” I yell and manage to catch up to her at the front door. I catch her elbow in my hand, and tug on her gently to stop her from leaving. “Please, wait a minute, Chloe.”

  Her shoulders come down and she turns around, pulling her elbow out of my grasp and crossing her arms across her chest. She raises her chin and glares up at me. “What?” She asks without inflection, her voice lacking the sweetness it usually carries.

  I gulp. “I didn’t forget. I just woke up. Don’t be angry at me, you know I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me.”

  “Do you know how many days off I’ve taken in the last month, Raif?” She asks, her voice quiet.

  “Um. No, probably one or two?” I offer up lamely, trying to make my brain work.

  “None. I’ve taken no days off since you didn’t get married.” I flinch at her words, but she presses on. “I’m here today because you begged me to come and help you write a song for the festival you guys are playing next month. You said you missed me and wanted to hang out and we could kill two birds with one stone. Well, here I am, and you’re still drunk from last night.”

  “I said I’m sorry,” I mutter. “I have missed you! Why can’t you just hang out for a bit, let me get a shower and then we can get to work?”

  Before Chloe can respond, the black-haired girl whose name I still can’t remember comes stomping out of my bedroom, dressed now, thankfully. She glares at us, looking pointedly at the door Chloe and I are blocking. Without thinking about it, I wrap my arm around Chloe’s waist and pull her towards me, my other hand still holding my sheet around my hips. Chloe comes up against my chest and the girl storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her, making the windows rattle.

  Chloe is still staring daggers at me and puts her hands against my chest and pushes me away from her. She’s never done that before. She never minded if I touched her. She must really be mad at me.

  I frown down at her. “I know I screwed up. I’m sorry.” I reach out a hand, intending to touch her face and she swats it away.

  Her pretty face is still screwed up in anger. “Don’t touch me right now, please. You can’t just make this go away.” There’s something in her voice that I can’t figure out; pain or anger? I can’t tell. “Go take your shower, I’ll put on coffee. You better be ready to work when you get out, Raif. I’m not coddling you anymore. I know things have been hard for you since Pippa took off. But you need to pull it together.” Right now, she’s echoing what my mother told me two days ago when she cornered me at Munchies where I was having lunch with Daisy. I never expected this.

  I nod, hurt by her words. Chloe has told me off countless times over the course of our friendship, but she’s never shunned my touch. She never made me feel inadequate, never made me feel useless. I don’t like this feeling her words have brought on.

  After my shower, I find Chloe has restored some semblance of order to my house. There are no longer empty beer bottles littering my coffee table. No half empty whiskey bottles take up residence on the counters in the kitchen. They’re all put away, knowing Chloe. The place even smells better. There’s coffee percolating, and the smell of cinnamon emanates from the oven. She’s frying eggs when I come upon her in the kitchen.

  Her back is to me and I do something I know I shouldn’t. I take my time and drink in the sight of her in her denim mini skirt and black tank top. She’s all curves and long dark hair tumbling to the small of her back. Her feet are bare on the hardwood floor of my kitchen. She’s humming a Mary Chapin Carpenter song, her hips swinging back and forth, toes tapping to the beat. Grinning, I lean against the counter and silently watch her for a moment. She is completely at ease, lost in the song playing in her head. She seems to have lost the tension that was keeping her rigid and out of my reach earlier. Longing shoots through me, and I wonder what she’d do if I walked up behind her right now and pulled her against me.

  If her earlier reluctance for my touch is any indication, she might sock me in the mouth. Even if all I want is to hold her. Before I can talk myself out of it, I step up behind her and put my hands on her hips, dancing with her, moving my hips with her rhythm and singing out loud the words she’s been humming.

/>   I sing softly in her ear, picking up the song. I feel her shiver, she keeps moving, but her humming has stopped. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her back against my body as we move.

  She smells like sunshine, bright and fresh; and the curve where her neck meets her shoulder is taunting me. Our hips are still moving slightly, our bodies pressed close together, and she has to feel how turned on I am by just the nearness of her. The desire to kiss that luscious curve only inches from my lips is building. I lean down, my mouth is about to settle over her skin, and the oven timer goes off, jolting us both. She practically jumps out of my arms, turning the alarm off and then rummaging for potholders.

  “Cinnamon rolls are done,” she says unnecessarily, not looking at me. I watch her profile, her cheeks are rosy, her chest rising and falling at a slightly rapid rate. She’s not unaffected by me. That makes me feel a little better. I move to the refrigerator, hiding my face inside for a moment, trying to get my hormones under control.

  “Thanks for cleaning up,” I say, bringing out the milk and orange juice, like that was what I’d been after all along. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  Her face is hidden by her long hair. “I didn’t mind.”

  “And the mess was surely making you twitchy.” I chuckle when she huffs at me in response.

  “Maybe. I figured we’d get more work done if I wasn’t worried about what I might sit in.” There’s a bit more venom in her voice now.

  “You got something to get off your chest, Chloe Jane?”

  She sighs at me, turns to face me finally and plants her hands on her hips. “I just hope you’re being safe about being reckless.” There’s no anger in her voice now, simply concern. “You’re acting a bit more like Troy than yourself lately, cupcake.”