The Feel of Forever

by Lyn Denison

  “It’s okay, Fliss. You didn’t.” Bailey sighed. “I still miss him. I always will. But I can talk about him now. In the beginning I was so full of guilt I couldn’t even do that.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “I suppose so. But I realized I was acting as though he’d never existed. I put all his photos away but I wouldn’t let anyone touch his toys. He didn’t deserve that.” She rested her chin on her hand, and she was silent for a moment.

  Fliss wanted to reach out and comfort her but she didn’t know how.

  “He was the sweetest baby.” She reached into her bag and pulled out her wallet, handing Fliss a photo of a baby with golden curls, big dark blue eyes and a toothy grin. “That was taken two weeks before he died.”

  Fliss swallowed. “He has your eyes,” she said and Bailey nodded as she returned the photo to her bag. “I’m sorry,” she added helplessly.

  At that moment a Frisbee landed beside their table. The man ran up and retrieved it, apologizing as he ran back to his family.

  Bailey began collecting their empty plates and packing them back in the cooler. “Remember when we were playing with a Frisbee and we hit that passing seagull.”

  Fliss smiled. “We were trying to decide how to give a bird the kiss of life when it stood up and flew off with most of its dignity intact.”

  “Not until it had given us a pretty serious scare.” Bailey laughed delightedly.

  Fliss joined in and then she realized Bailey was watching her.

  “I haven’t seen you laugh like that since I came back,” she said. “I always loved the sound of your laugh.”

  Fliss didn’t know what to say. She tried to hold on to her anger but it was getting far more difficult with Bailey sitting opposite her and that old familiar attraction between them simmering so close to the surface.

  The sound of a mobile phone ringing made them both start. Bailey reached into her bag.

  “Would you excuse me, Fliss?” she asked apologetically. “I’d let it go to message bank but it will be my mother checking I’m home okay.” She stood up and took a couple of paces away from the table. “Hi. Mum. Yes, it’s me.”

  Fliss watched her, the fine lines of her body, the body she remembered so well. When it came to Bailey, Fliss recognized her emotions seesawed to the extremes. Hurt. Bailey had hurt her so much. And love. She’d loved Bailey desperately. It had always been that way, from the moment she’d thrown herself on Bailey out by the headland.

  Why had it had to go so wrong? One minute Fliss and Bailey had been deliriously happy and the next Bailey was—

  “Where are you off to?” her mother had asked on that awful night eight years ago. “I thought you were all dressed up waiting for Bailey to pick you up?”

  “I am. We’re going out for dinner to celebrate her job offer. Remember I told you about that. She’s been working towards getting a job like this for years. Anyway,” Fliss looked at her wrist-watch, “I’m too excited to wait around. I think I’ll jog over and catch her before she leaves.”

  “This job,” her mother probed. “When does she have to start?”

  “Pretty soon, I think.”

  “Do you mind that Bailey will be leaving?” her mother asked, following her over to the door. “You’ve spent a lot of time with her and you’ll miss her.”

  Fliss didn’t meet her mother’s eyes. “Well, I thought I might, well, go with her. I don’t have to start uni for a while and maybe I can even transfer to Sydney or something.”

  “You’ve talked about this? Both of you?”

  “Sort of.” Fliss quelled any misgivings her mother’s tone might have evoked. “We will tonight I guess. Talk about it properly I mean.” She opened the door, preparing to take her leave.

  “Have you given this some thought, Fliss?” her mother persisted. “You’ve lived on the island all your life and going interstate is different to just going over to the mainland.”

  “I’m not a baby, Mum.” Fliss took offense while guilt pulled at her. Hurting her mother was the last thing she wanted to do. “I’m nearly nineteen and I was going away to university anyway.”

  “You’ve just turned eighteen and I think going off with Bailey Macrae, well, I think you should give the idea a lot more consideration than you appear to have.”

  “I’d have thought you’d have been happy I’d have Bailey looking out for me.” Fliss tried another tack. “It’s not like I want to go away on my own.” Fliss sighed. “And I know it will be difficult leaving you and dad and the family but,” Fliss shrugged, “I have to leave some time. And I would have in a month or so anyway, you know that. Look, I better get going or I’ll miss Bailey. See you later. Don’t wait up, Mum.”

  She left, and if her discussion with her mother generated any feelings of disquiet, the fact that she was spending the evening with Bailey put everything else out of her mind as she jogged along the path to Allendale Cottage.

  She reached the Macraes only to have John tell her she had just missed Bailey. Fliss knew it would take Bailey a while to drive around to her house so she had to retrace her steps. When she arrived back home she found Bailey and her mother in the living room. She looked from one to the other. Did Bailey look upset? And her mother, was she avoiding Fliss’s eyes?

  “I was just telling Bailey you’d tried to catch her at home before she left,” Fliss’s mother said.

  “Yes, you should have rung me, Fliss. I actually left early too. I’m sorry you had a wasted journey,” Bailey said easily enough. “So”—she looked at her wristwatch—“what say we head off straight away? I’ve made a booking for dinner at the Tavern.”

  Halfway through the main course Fliss carefully set down her glass of wine and looked across at Bailey. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing,” Bailey said quickly. “Why?”

  “You’re not the same as you usually are.” Fliss shrugged. “You’re sort of distant.”

  Bailey gave a quick laugh. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be. How’s your pasta? It looks delicious.”

  “It’s not as delicious as you are but it’s okay.”

  Bailey flushed a little, looking around them, making Fliss laugh softly.

  “Don’t worry. I won’t advertise it,” she told Bailey. “I don’t think I could cope with the competition when everyone wanted a taste.”

  Bailey put a hand to her warm cheek. “Will you stop. Or I won’t be able to prevent myself from leaning over the table and kissing you.”

  “Promises. Promises.” Fliss grinned and they ate in silence for a few moments. “Are you thinking about your new job?”

  Bailey glanced at Fliss and then away. “A little.”

  “It must be a mixture of exciting and scary, I’d say,” Fliss frowned. “Mostly scary.”

  “Certainly scary,” Bailey agreed.

  “You’ll be fantastic.”

  Bailey smiled at Fliss. “Thank you. But you’re biased.”

  “And you’ll be really famous.”

  “Now, that’s stretching it.”

  “No. I see it right here.” Fliss pretended she was gazing into a crystal ball. “You’ll be really, really famous.”

  “Now why should I believe you can see into the future?” Bailey asked lightly enough.

  “There are white witches in my family.”

  “Oh.” Bailey looked unconvinced.

  Fliss nodded. “My great great great grandmother. Apparently.” Fliss took a last mouthful of her meal and groaned. “Shame I couldn’t predict I’d be too full if I ate all that. I don’t think I can fit dessert.”

  “That’s disastrous.” Bailey set her own knife and fork on her plate. “I think I’ll be giving dessert a miss, too.”

  Fliss looked at Bailey’s plate. “You haven’t eaten much. Are you sure you’re all right?”

  “Sure. I’m fine. Would you like tea or coffee?”

  Fliss shook her head. “I’ll just finish this wine.” She held it up to Bailey and then took a
sip, meeting and holding Bailey’s gaze. Desire spiralled inside her. “To the very beautiful, incredibly sexy, Bailey Macrae. I really do think you’ll be famous,” she said softly. “And I’ll always be your biggest fan.”

  “Oh, Fliss.” Bailey looked down. “Shall we—? Do you want to go?”

  “I do.” Fliss drained her glass of wine. “It’s far too public for me to kiss you.”

  Bailey paid the bill and they headed out into the dimly lit car park. They walked close together and Fliss secretly touched Bailey’s hand.

  “Now I want to do far more than kiss you,” Fliss murmured. “Do you think anyone will notice if I lay you back on the bonnet of John’s car and have my way with you?”

  Before Bailey could comment a car turned into the car park, its headlights illuminating them.

  Fliss sighed loudly. “For a sparsely populated island there seem to be a lot of people around and can’t you imagine the rumors we’d start?”

  “Oh, yes. Rumors would run rife.” Bailey opened the passenger side door for Fliss.

  “So, what say we go somewhere less public?” Fliss said as Bailey started the car. “Only trouble is John’s at your place and mum and dad are home at my place. But,” Fliss grinned, “we have our choice of any number of sand dunes.”

  Bailey laughed. “Prickly grass and very cool breeze. Let’s go down to the jetty.”

  Fliss ran her hand over Bailey’s thigh. “That could be a bit public, too.”

  “Maybe not.” Bailey turned down by the shore and into the well-lit car park.

  “This is far too bright,” Fliss said, looking around. “It’s like we’re under a spotlight.”

  “Well, we can talk—” Bailey began and Fliss let her fingers trail upwards, under the light material of Bailey’s skirt. Bailey drew a shaky breath.

  “Never fear, I’m a friendly native,” Fliss said softly. “See that container over there. Drive past it and along that narrow lane.”

  “Fliss—”

  “Trust me. Have I ever led you astray before?”

  “Well, that’s a moot point.” Bailey drove slowly along the laneway.

  “Like who was leading who?” Fliss chuckled. “Now, turn through that gate and up the track.”

  “Are you sure you know where we’re going?”

  “Yep.”

  They rumbled over a cattle grid and Bailey groaned. “Are we trespassing?”

  “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Just over the rise you can park by the bush.”

  Bailey drew to a halt, the headlights picking out a short fence. The lights of the village twinkled off to the right, below them.

  “If it was daylight you’d see across to the mainland,” Fliss said. “The Glasshouse Mountains are over there.”

  “But what if someone else comes up here?”

  “It’s unlikely. Old Mr. Kingston has never liked us parking up here.”

  “What makes you think he’ll have changed his mind?” Bailey asked dryly.

  “He’s always liked me. And anyway, he’s over on the mainland visiting relatives.”

  Bailey shook her head. “I take it that’s common knowledge? So, what if someone else comes up here?”

  “We’ll hear them driving over the cattle grid. So you can relax.”

  Bailey bit off a laugh. “I guess if they recognize the car they’ll think it’s John.”

  “Exactly. So, where were we?” Fliss put her hand back on Bailey’s thigh, slid it slowly, lightly upwards until her hand cupped the lace-covered mound. “Mmm,” she murmured. “So warm.”

  Bailey’s breath seemed to catch in her throat and Fliss shifted her position in the passenger seat so her fingers could trace the smooth warm contours. She slipped her fingers inside Bailey’s undies, found her sensitive center.

  “Fliss—” Bailey’s back arched and she moaned.

  Fliss leaned forward, her mouth finding the smooth skin of Bailey’s throat, slowly kissing, her lips gently nibbling, teasing, moving downwards over the silk of Bailey’s blouse until she felt the hardness of Bailey’s erect nipple. When her lips settled around the full peak, Bailey’s hands grasped Fliss’s head and held her against her as she tumbled into orgasm.

  When her breathing slowed she caught her breath on a sob. “Oh, Fliss, Fliss. You are so good for me,” she said softly, so softly Fliss barely caught the words. “And I don’t know how I’m going to—” She took Fliss’s face gently in her hands, leaned forward and put her lips to Fliss’s. They kissed slowly, tenderly, then deeply, feverishly. Then Bailey was over the console and they moved together in the confined space. Fliss’s slacks were down over her thighs, her shirt was off and she leaned over Bailey, her breasts in Bailey’s hands, her lips on Bailey’s, Bailey’s leg between hers.

  “I need you to touch me,” she said thickly.

  Then Bailey’s hand slid downwards and Fliss moved against her and she was lost in the sensations of being with Bailey, dissolving into her.

  Eventually, Fliss moved slightly. “I wonder if the designers of this classic car realized just what could be accomplished in this bucket seat?”

  They fumbled around straightening their clothes but when Bailey went to climb back into the driver’s seat Fliss wrapped her arms around her. “Want to stay here on my knee. I can’t bear to let you go.”

  Bailey gave a forced laugh. “I’m too heavy.” She moved away and with some maneuvering was soon back in the driver’s seat.

  Fliss clasped her hand, held it in her lap, and she sighed. “You are so beautiful.”

  “Fliss don’t. I’m not beautiful at all.”

  “Yeah right.” Fliss’s fingers tightened on Bailey’s and she gave her hand a protesting shake. “Don’t tell me John doesn’t have a mirror in his house.”

  “This shouldn’t have happened tonight. I shouldn’t have let it happen.” Bailey gently disengaged her hand, ran her fingers through her hair. “We should talk, Fliss.”

  “Sure,” Fliss said easily. “I guess we should. But can I say for the record, if you have to forego dessert then tonight was more than compensation. It was so totally worth it.”

  “Fliss, come on. I really do need to talk to you.”

  “What about specifically? About how making love with you is just so mind-blowing? About how beautiful you are? Or simply all of the above?”

  “Please, Fliss. Be serious. I need to talk to you about, well, this job down in Sydney. You know I’ve been working towards this for, well, since I left school.”

  “I know. And you deserve it. You’ll be so fantastic.”

  “Fliss!” Bailey shook her head, looked out the window, into the night. “It’ll be pretty well full on for who knows how long. Maybe years. I’ll be virtually starting over, from scratch.”

  “But it’s a top job, isn’t it?” Fliss frowned. “You’ll be reading prime time news, won’t you? That’s hardly starting out on the bottom rung of the ladder.”

  “News reading is just part of it.” Bailey rested her arms on the steering wheel and Fliss slid a sideways glance at her, a twinge of misgivings making her pause.

  “Bailey, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She ran a hand through her hair again. “And everything. I want that job so badly, Fliss. But I want to stay here on the island with you, too.”

  Fliss turned in her seat but she was unable to see Bailey’s expression in the near darkness. “That’s easy,” she said. “You can have both.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Bailey said softly.

  “Why not? What’s difficult about it?” The words almost caught in her throat as a sudden fear clutched at her heart.

  “Out there in the world away from the island—God, even here on the island, like tonight in the parking lot, we couldn’t hold each other. We had to sneak up here.”

  “I would have kissed you in the car park,” Fliss put in.

  “But I couldn’t—I wouldn’t have been able to kiss you. That’s the trouble, Flis
s. I wanted to. But I couldn’t.” She made a negating movement with her hand. “Not and keep my job.”

  “You mean there aren’t any lesbian news readers on TV?”

  “None who are out of the closet. And I don’t want that for you, Fliss. Or me. The sneaking around. Keeping and guarding secrets. Pretending we’re just friends. And we’d have to do that.”

  “If it means I can be with you, I don’t care,” Fliss said honestly. “You feel like that now but in a year’s time maybe you would care.”

  “No. I wouldn’t.”

  “I can’t do it to you, Fliss.”

  “It’s my life. Surely I have some say in it, don’t I?”

  “Fliss.” Bailey raised her hands and let them fall.

  “Yesterday, when you told me about the job, you said—” Fliss swallowed, fighting a rush of tears. “I thought we’d go together.”

  “I hadn’t given it any thought then. Not properly. I know how much time and how much of myself I’m going to have to give to this job.” Bailey stopped and Fliss knew she was fighting for control too. “I’ve been waiting for this opportunity since I left school and began working in the office at the TV studio. That’s over six years.”

  “I’ve just been waiting for you all my life,” Fliss said flatly and Bailey ran her hand over her eyes.

  “Don’t do this to me, Fliss. Please.” She drew a shaky breath. “Look, you’re so young, Fliss. You’ll—”

  “Find someone else?” Fliss managed incredulously. “Is that what you’re trying to say?” She couldn’t believe this was happening.

  “No, I don’t mean that.”

  “Someone else who’ll make me feel the way you do?”

  “Fliss, please. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’re only eighteen years old.”

  Fliss felt as though something inside her was dying. “Did you think that a moment ago when we were making love?”

  Bailey had silently reached out and started the car.

  Had that dreadful night been eight years ago? Fliss looked across at Bailey and her heart constricted. It seemed like yesterday. Even now Fliss could feel the cold numbness that had taken hold of her as Bailey silently drove back down the track, through the village, to finally pull up outside Fliss’s house.