by Paul Vayro
"Bum-Raa. I like it."
"I'm here for the megalomaniac training. This is my henchman, Jiggery Pokery." Jiggery waved from the seat next to Bum.
"Jiggery Pokery. Good pair of names. You have concrete hair, themed baddies. You two are very professional already. I'm here for henchman training. Mum was sick of me sitting around the house. Told me to go out and do something useful. Only phoned this place to have a chat, see what it was like. Next thing I knew I was getting death threats if I didn't turn up......."
"So you're here alone?" Bum-Raa spotted a potential recruit to aid Jiggery. The University required every overlord applicant to work alongside two henchmen. It believed in training as much for the social reality of the job as well as the practical skills, and two close personal guards was the industry standard. Some believed in adding an amusing servant/sidekick or a lethal pet, but many claimed they were just a cynical marketing ploy. The university remained traditional for now and stuck with physically intimidating duos, but would never rule out any future potential revenue streams.
"Seems so; I arranged to meet a friend here but I'm not sure they applied in the end. Don't suppose you've seen a big guy wandering around? Has a hammer for a face?"
"Can't say I have." Bum turned to Jiggery, issuing nods and hand movements that enquired as to what he thought of the Yak like chatterer. Jiggery didn't mind. As long as he ended up with somebody who didn't want to fight everyone in sight and could hold a conversation every now and then, he'd be happy. "Have you looked around for any training partners yet?" Bum stroked his chin. It needed sanding.
"Partners? Oh no. Hadn't got that far yet. I found the toilets. Out the door, on the left, past the first door. Don't go in the first door. Got a terrible shock putting my head in there, literally......"
"Okay, well. Would you like to join Jiggery in being my closest guard?" Yakkety opened his mouth, without words, for several seconds. Eventually they came.
"Me? Part of your team? I'd be honoured. Oh this is great. Wait 'til I speak to Mum. She said I'd never make any friends. Well what does she know? Will I need to add something concrete to me? How about a concrete eyeball? I can pop this one out right now......"
"That won't be necessary. Welcome." Bum shook the oxen man's hand, followed by Jiggery. The negotiations finished as Dip called for silence. He wanted to get this over with. He had a fresh bowl of water waiting in his room.
The attendance computer scanned the room to complete the register. It could only find four missing applicants and began the relevant threatening admin to their families, although it had to cease as the door thumped open and Brick rolled in, coming to a halt on his chin.
"Evil University induction?" Brick's eyes motioned upwards.
"What?" Dip prepared to smash the speaker stand across Brick's head, stopping as he remembered the bad PR, killing applicants had generated in the past. He crammed the projector remote into his mouth instead. The slideshow would have to be cancelled.
Spiritwind walked in shortly after, stepping across his friend and motioning hello to the room. His fruit jubbly occupied his attention. Bozo and Schmuk bowed and apologised their way inside. They knew they were in danger of being strung up by their eyelashes for such behaviour.
Picking Brick up, they sat on the empty front row. Inherent naughtiness and fear of acquiring the label 'swot' had pushed everyone else towards the back of the theatre. The room gaped in disbelief at such a seating choice, eager to see someone lose their skull as punishment/entertainment.
A high pitched whistle of frustration escaped the side of Dip's mouth, holding in all his urges to attack. Three ingested notepads later, he began to talk; however, where Dip saw anger, Spon saw intrigue. It wasn't often a pair of standard humans wandered in to study Evil, even if their straggly beards and vague night out scars did make them look a little uncouth.
Dip began. "Welcome students, to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings." Dip couldn't remove his angry glare from Brick. Luckily Brick was preoccupied with a hair on the edge of his peripheral vision. "Whilst here you shall become fine purveyors of evil and naughtiness, and upon completion you shall be fully qualified to take your chosen role in the push for darkness over light. We offer you the springboard that shall launch you above the hobby horse of achievement, how many back flips you choose to perform depends on how you fill your minds whilst here." Dip had never understood the analogy but someone told him it was poetic, so he stuck with it. "If you would like to fill in the details on the screens in front of you."
A murmuring broke out as everyone turned to the monitors in front of them. Evil hated admin. Forms were only good for burning and using to implement paper cuts across eyeballs. The unrest quickly became growled threats and the tensing of eyes looking for a fight.
As the rabble battled nothing, Spon remained transfixed by Brick and Spiritwind. A faint memory of recognition had been stirred. It fluttered around his mind, refusing to be pinned down long enough for decent study, but it definitely held merit. He'd seen them somewhere before, he was sure of it.
Dip tried to pace away the rage the same coupling had induced in him. Staring at his shoes just shifted the focus of his annoyance. What was the point in shiny footwear when his toes were as hard as oak? He couldn't even look at the group on the front row. There was nothing easily chewable to hand to quell the temper they'd further inflame, especially the one with the floppy hair. Something about his face just made Dip want to erase it from existence.
The form that had sparked the room into an aggressive frenzy was merely three questions: Name, course applied for, and if you were part of a megalomaniac/henchman team already. Rather than getting on with it, the frustration emerged as outrage and strops. The stares and posturing that were added, to prove you were serious, meant the process took far longer than sense would presume possible, except for Brick and Spiritwind.
"Are we a team?" Brick turned to Bozo.
"Why?" Bozo answered between gestures towards a camel with gun turrets instead of humps.
"It asks if you're part of a group already. Just wondered if we were or not. I won't be offended if I've jumped too far ahead on the friendship scale, you can just say. It happens to me all the time."
"You're on to question three already? You guys are fast. We thought we'd be quick after working in an office." Brick looked bemused, but motioned that he still needed an answer. Bozo broke away from growling at the entire back row of students. "Do you want us to be your henchmen while studying?" Bozo returned to snarling. He knew it was entirely futile, but it was expected behaviour.
"If it means you won't be aiming those teeth at me, then yes." Brick was mesmerised by the aggression.
Bozo ceased his rabid volley again, speaking as civilly as any priest to his mum after mass. "Then I guess we're a team." Bozo stood and screamed to the ceiling. Schmuk clambered on his shoulders, beating his chest at the room.
"Excellent." Brick typed in the answer then shifted to the back of his chair, entirely confused at what was going on. It was too early in the morning for his comprehension to be fully working. Spiritwind motioned towards the complete button, with a questioning mouth. Brick answered with a nod. The red orb was pushed and the pair sat back and took in their surroundings. It was bewildering, but better than the bus to work.
A ping alerted Dip and the rest of the room to a completed form being delivered. The terrier bolted over to the master screen to see who had finished so fast.
He looked at the screen, then the heroic duo, then at Spon, then back to the screen before storming across to the pair.
"Is this a joke?"
"If you were a chicken crossing a road, perhaps, but a Chancellor crossing a room just doesn't cut it." Brick had a point.
"Unless you had a punk stapled to you." Spiritwind offered a potential get out.
"Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload? Megalomaniacs working together? Isn't that something of a contradiction in terms?"
Spiritwind thrust
a gobstopper in his mouth to avoid any explanation duties. Brick took a deep breath and waited to see what came out of his mouth. Apparently he needed to beckon Dip in closer. "Between you and me, Evil isn't doing too well with its current approach. Now me and my good friend have noticed that some of the more sensible and quietly successful hero types have a habit of forming pairs. So we thought we'd give it a shot." Brick tapped his nose and sat back as though he'd just given Dip the key to eternal life. Dip couldn't believe such an upstart had dared utter the word hero, within his establishment, without the mandatory curse and promise to see their demise. He ripped the screen next to Brick and Spiritwind from its hinge and swallowed it whole. He walked away, red with fury, before turning back.
"I'm watching you two. Just be aware of that." Dip stomped back on to the stage and paced in front of Spon. "Did you hear how brazenly he mentioned heroes? I have a mind to arrange a midnight meeting with Mr......whichever one he is." Dip pointed at Brick. Brick waved back.
"I did hear. Shows a bit of thought and promise, don't you think?" Spon was pleased to see a fellow purveyor of Evil with hero templates on their mind. It increased the itch of familiarity that plagued him.
"They show promise!? I can't speak to you right now." Dip paced to the other end of the stage.
Once all the forms were completed, Dip addressed the crowd once more. Fury had eaten away his nerves. He stared at Brick and Spiritwind as he spoke. "For those not already in a team, you will be assigned accordingly. Your accommodation details and directions should appear on your screens momentarily. Scan in your silhouettes. They will act as your key. Your timetables for study will be awaiting you within your rooms. Enjoy the Evil, men. Let it flow forth and swamp all that is Good." Dip whipped his cloak in the air and pressed the smoke button on his stand. By the time it cleared he had disappeared.
Spon smirked as he watched the dramatic exit from the hidden side of the podium as Dip struggled to squeeze through the trap door beneath his stand. It had been made in his leaner times.
As the class filed out, Bum-Raa paid particular attention to the two Earthlings, who had remained seated, stroking his chin in evil thought as he scowled towards them. In a class full of aspiring megalomaniacs they all wanted to stand out, and those two had made a first impression on everyone.
Bum-Raa realised that if he was going to come top of the class, and launch his career, they would have to be surpassed, or eradicated. Either one deserved a cheeky cackle, but as they wouldn't be learning laughter until next Thursday he held it in and satisfied himself by staring at them menacingly. Brick and Spiritwind only noticed the ball of concrete trouble when he stepped in to the doorframe by mistake. Cursing the pair further, Bum left the room, his henchmen toddling behind.
Eventually, Brick and Spiritwind stood to leave. They were never one to rush for the exit, even in a so called emergency; too much hustle and bustle. As they departed the only person left in the room was Spon, still lost in thought over where he knew the curious pairing from.
Offering to leave the door open for the Vice Chancellor, Spon declined, but as Brick pulled it closed a potential answer fell into Mr Dooliks mind.
"Surely not!" Spon's eyes lit up with shock, his body standing with urgency. He had files to check, and not those that belonged to Evil.
Contents
Chapter Seven
Nicole Extravaganza stepped in to the seedy bar. All available eyes focused upon her, only to have their attention split by the introduction of Suzy Fantastic moments later. The Broken Nose didn't receive many females within its boundaries. The few that did enter were usually there for the annual arm-wrestling competition, and they usually won. To see two six-foot tall, lycra clad bodies of athletic promise standing virtuously in the doorway stole all words from the occupants and replaced them with gawps of awe and dribbles of desire. The duo's perfectly straight, hip length hair, Nicole a brunette, Suzy with red flowing locks, swayed delicately in opposing rhythm to the rest of their sensual stroll as they made their way through the room.
People who knew the Broken Nose knew not to go in there, people who didn't know it still knew not to go in there. You didn't have to actually enter to understand the sense of claustrophobic intimidation that seeped menacingly from inside. The clues were everywhere; from the bricked up front window that saved replacing the glass each day as somebody would be thrown through it, to the flickering, caged single bulb in the doorway, intermittently illuminating whoever happened to be lay there unconscious at that particular time; either post robbery/brawl, or just someone who had too much confidence in their liver, which they wouldn't be seeing again unless they coincidentally sought a replacement organ from the same back-street doctor that had stolen it.
Nicole and Suzy strode through the bar with an air of physical belief that caught the clientele off guard, although the onlookers sensed it was a confidence that could be backed up if needed. The two stunning visitors were grade three heroes, and were more than capable of unleashing the kung-fu skills that came with the award.
"Where's Fidget Jones?" Nicole queried the barman with a look of velvet covered violence in her eye. His cigar fell out of his mouth and on to the alcohol strewn counter. The level of spittle on his lips, that Nicole's gaze created, had made gripping the cancerous tube no longer possible. He pointed towards a corner without speaking. Nicole winked and followed the non-verbal tip.
Fidget Jones watched the pair approach as pockets of noise re-emerged around the bar, although most still stared in wonder.
"Mind if we take a seat?" Nicole wasn't asking, and Fidget wasn't protesting. Fidget was a low level bad guy, slight in build and sneaky in nature. His pointy features and angled eyes communicated the mistrust you should place in him, but he knew everything and everyone and feared the two ladies enough to help, whenever they could pin him down.
"So, Fidget. I think you know who we want to find."
"You shouldn't be in here. You'll cause me mischief, and yourselves." Fidget could see the room coming to its senses, its occupants realising two extremely attractive females were in their pub. Testosterone started to swill around their minds in response.
"Don't worry, Fidget. We're not here for the reasonably priced lasagne. We'll be leaving pretty soon. Once we find out where he is." Nicole leant in further.
"There are a lot of he's." Fidget had to put up some resistance. It was part of his role.
"Does Suzy have to shake your memory until you remember which one?" Suzy's eye sat half closed, twitching as her expression turned blank.
Suzy Fantastic suffered from twitches of rage: her anger would rise into an uncontrollable burst of fury and unleash pain on anyone it could find to focus on. Those that had seen it never needed a repeat performance, and Fidget had definitely seen it.
"No, no. I'll tell you."
"Where Scrotal Nepotism is hiding?" Nicole wanted to be sure she got the right answer.
Scrotal Nepotism was Nicole and Suzy's assigned nemesis. Every good hero had to have one; however they'd recently saved a galaxy and been promoted to Grade Three hero level. Scrotal was strictly a grade one nemesis, possibly a grade two if he'd worked on his patter a little more, but certainly not level three. As such they needed a new bad guy to stand toe to toe with, but first they had to vanquish their old foe and deliver him to Velos 19 to be officially processed.
Nemesis Processing was a free service the Heroes Guild offered upon promotion, rather than the old days when you had to cast them away yourself to an ambiguously fatal future. The lack of surety over your enemy's fate allowed you to move on to a sequel and a new bad guy yet still keep the threat of the older rival in reserve, just in case you needed them for a future instalment due to their replacement not catching everyone's imagination in the same way, or simply through a stagnation of new ideas.
"Yes, Scrotal Nepotism; although he doesn't go by that name anymore; he doesn't even work in the day to day grind of Evil anymore. He's become something of a statesman, an ov
erseer." It began to feel as though the entire room was closing in on the table in the corner. Nicole looked around to check her surroundings. They still had time.
"Come on, Fidget. Finish the story."
"He's been made Chancellor of The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. He goes by the name Dip Sing Doolally."
"You, me, kissing, now!" An eight foot behemoth of a rogue stood behind Nicole. Four beasts of similar stature stood behind him. They all grinned at the air.
"Thank you, Fidget. Now you may wish to hide under the table for a few moments." Nicole stood and faced her suitor, the two foot height difference mattering little when stacked against flawless technique. Suzy stood by her partner's side, eye still twitching, saying nothing. "And they say romance is dead. You sure know the code to the lock that is on my heart, and everything else." She winked. The towering idiots grinned further. "We women hate all that flowery wordplay really. We just want a man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to demand it." She looked curiously at the numpty's mouth and the obvious clue to his last meal. "Even with a horse's tail stuck in his teeth?" Suzy continued to build her level of anger, her body beginning to convulse, gently at first; her face tensing and shaking a minimal amount, but with ultimate fury.
"My only question, is do you think you rough, tough gentlemen could handle both me and my friend?" Nicole pointed the men's gaze towards Suzy. Their smirks disappeared, replaced by concern at the bubbling beauty.
Suzy seized on the pause as her entire body vibrated with ultimate rage, and smashed the leader straight in the chin. His jaw shattered as his feet left the ground, his limbs relinquishing all landing responsibility as they sailed unconsciously through the air. As the oaf's back took the full impact of the floor being reached, Suzy delivered a swift side-kick to the thug to her right. He rocketed through the room and smashed in to a table. It collapsed around him, an upturned ketchup bottle dribbling its contents onto his head for comedic effect. An abrupt kick between the legs of the next potential attacker saw his wheezing body fall to the floor, a punch in each eyeball left him unsure what to hold in agony first. The final two lunged for her from either side. Gymnastic prowess spilled forth as she skipped up their approaching bodies and over their heads, back-flipping to land at the side of the colliding beasts. Without pause she grabbed their belts and proceeded to spin, lifting each from their feet. Releasing them at the optimum point they took a wide section of the Broken Nose's clientele with them, clearing a path for the duo to ooze down and towards the door. Nicole swayed calmly, drawing instant love from the onlookers, while Suzy tensed and eyeballed anyone who dared breathe. The audience were stunned into holding back any thoughts of attack, and somewhat regretful at not having filmed the event on their phones.