by Paul Vayro
Once outside, Nicole turned to Suzy. "You okay?" Nicole checked the twitches had passed. They were usually brief and only for the length of battle.
"Fine, ready for whatever's next; what is next?" Even though she was now calm, Suzy spoke in a stern and threatening manner. It was something of a standard method of communicating for the warrior. Irrelevant of her true feelings, you felt permanently in danger of receiving a thump. Over time and growing familiarity with her partner, Nicole had learnt not to put her guard up during every conversation.
"Evil University and our nemesis upgrade."
"Excellent. I hope the next person to get in our way has some kind of laser attachment built into their face, gives a lot of scope to defeat them with mirrors. Love a good rebounded laser in the mouth........"
Evil University had never been so popular.
Contents
Chapter Eight
"You two. In here." Jiggery Pokery and Yakkety Yak had barely had chance to explore their meagre henchman accommodation before they were summoned to Bum-Raa's adjoining room.
Bum-Raa's abode was a far more palatial affair. The university offered its students a taste of what they can expect should they go on to a career in Evil. Henchmen rooms were at the top end of what they could hope for but still relatively basic. More functional than aesthetic. The megalomaniac students received a more opulent version, but essentially the same components. It was decided a megalomaniac is never happy with what they've got anyway. It's their gift. So rather than break the budget and still achieve unhappiness, the university remained within its fiscal power.
"Did anything strike you as odd about those two at the induction?" The question was rhetorical.
"That depends which two...." Yakkety didn't understand such a concept. ".....The two in front of us were a right state. Where did they get those costumes, a farm? Or do you mean the two....."
"My question was rhetorical." Bum tried a more open approach.
"Oh. Like the weather. The weather's a bugger isn't it?"
"Yakkety, I understand you're excited, we all are, but there has to be some decorum and structure to our relationship if we're all going to pass this course. I'm the evil overlord and you are my henchmen. You have to listen to me and not question it, and often fear me when I pull an aggrieved face or signal my anger is about to spill over. Sometimes it may feel a little personal, and mean, but I value and respect your position even though it infuriates me in equal measure; most of the time these rants require nothing more of you than to stand and listen, occasionally nodding, and maybe signalling between each other your disdain at my apparent insanity. Got that?"
"I'll say yes. Even though I didn't listen to most of it."
"That's more like it." Bum tried to remember where he'd been up to. A lock-pick popped out of his arm for no apparent reason. The distraction of having to slide it back in to place reminded him.
"The two who came in late then filled in their forms suspiciously quickly." Bum paused for effect then turned abruptly. "I don't like them. Something doesn't sit right in my mind. I want you two to find out as much as possible about them and report back to me." He tested how a stroke of his beard added to the tension. It felt good. University was paying off already. "Befriend their henchmen during classes, sneak into their room, observe them from a precarious spot you can fall from in a comedic manner; I don't care how you do it, but do it." Bum-Raa attempted a threatening grimace, only his face wasn't entirely sure what he was asking from it. It flicked from an expression of wondering what was in his pocket, to remembering a time he was tickled, holding neither long enough to achieve interpretation. Eventually he pointed his eyes towards the door. Jiggery picked up on the signal to leave. Yakkety was busy trying to remember the theme tune to 'Rum Ducks', a soap from his childhood. Jiggery yanked at his partner's arm.
"Is that it then? Are we off? I enjoyed that. Not as much as paragliding. Now that's really good fun..........."
Bum-Raa remained in his staring position until the henchmen door closed. The moment the lock clicked shut, the overlord skipped across the room and leapt on to one of the two luxurious, king-sized beds he'd been supplied with. Sinking into the quilt, he extended his limbs and swung them through the excessively fluffed duvet covering, pleased he was clearly far ahead of his peers in setting his henchmen a mission. The chuffed megalomaniac paused in an effort to look insightful. It needed practice, but that was exactly why he was here.
Contents
Chapter Nine
Spon burst through his front door and headed straight to his extensive personal library. His cat, Jonathan Capstick, didn't have time to perform its full 'feed me because I'm so cute' display before he whistled past. The cat followed, with a huff, to find Spon stood in the far corner of the room. It was his Hero section, and he perused it in the hope a memory would be triggered.
Brick and Spiritwind had ignited recognition in the Vice Chancellor, and he knew all he needed was the name of a battle or war or some thwarted attack to extinguish it.
Mr Capstick rubbed his cheek on Spon's leg. He wouldn't normally revert to such extreme neediness so quickly, but not even a glance on the way in meant he had to up his game if he wanted to be fed before his next nap.
Spon continued to pace back and forth, reading the spines of the extensive array of books and urging his memory to step forward, but nothing.
The cat weaved between Spon's legs, generating a tut and shake of the limb from the lecturer, expressing both his annoyance and dismissive attitude towards the creature. Mr Capstick wandered to the centre of the room in confusion. This was most unlike Spon, he was usually so attentive.
With only one tactic left, Jonathon began to make his way out of the library. Stopping a few feet from the door he glanced back over his shoulder and let out a pained meow. Spon, still with his mind rummaging through his internal files, strolled over and picked the cat up.
"Success." Thought Mr Capstick, only to be disappointed as Spon stroked the animal and sat down at his desk, placing the feline on his knee.
"Where do I know those faces from, Jonathon?" Spon turned to the window as the cat wondered if it was worth hanging out at the Dooliks' residence anymore. There were plenty of little old ladies in the neighbourhood. They begged him to stay over on a regular basis.
"Hold on." Spon spun back to his desk and opened a draw. Mr Capstick had, had enough and sauntered off, intent on weeing in an indoor plant to show Spon who really owned the place.
The draw contained Spon's back copies of Hero Monthly. The latest edition sat proudly atop and displayed the golden statue of Hugo and 'those other people who got in the picture'. The universe continued to pay the true heroes of the hour little respect. Slapping the magazine on to his desk, Spon removed his magnifying glass from its desktop holder and stared intently at a furrowed brow and pair of eyes above Hugo's right knee, and a bald head, semi-obscured by an over facing baguette. He dropped the magnifying glass and sighed to the ceiling.
"It cannot be. These men do not have beards or the relevant scars." Part of the hero powers Brick and Spiritwind had earned allowed even their most feeble disguises to trick bad guys. "Yet they look so similar. Perhaps they are related? More importantly, if they imbue the power of hero's maybe they can help me take over my neighbour's garden?" Spon's mind, without any sense of conscience to hinder it, instantly turned to his own benefits, and excitement that he was finally at the centre of something genuinely interesting.
"Mr Capstick! Get out of that plant!"
Jonathon felt happy that he had resumed control of the house.
Contents
Chapter Ten
Spiritwind had laid out all the components of his crisp butty, including mayonnaise in place of butter. As he began assigning the filling to its holder, Brick sat up on the luxurious bed he'd been lay on.
Fortunately for the pair, all overlord rooms came with two double beds. They were as close as friends can be, but each enjoyed their own space wh
en resting. Brick had chosen his cradle by lying on it and closing his eyes the moment they arrived. He called it his ambience alignment time, most people would call it dozing.
Having disturbed his pondering, Brick posed the question that had been niggling at his subconscious. "Where does that door lead?" He pointed at a door on the far side of their abode.
Brick strode across to the portal, hoping it was an eternal slide, and opened it.
"Oh, hello again. What a coincidence." It was Bozo and Schmuk's quarters, identical to Jiggery and Yakkety's, only Bozo was lifting the supplied fridge freezer above his head while jogging on the spot as Schmuk struck his friend in the kidney area with repeated blows. "Am I interrupting something I shouldn't?"
"Just training." The two henchmen reversed roles while Brick wandered in.
"I think we definitely got the better deal on the room. You should complain."
"It's standard henchman and megalomaniac level accommodation; part of the course." Bozo spoke as Schmuk grimaced through the pounding.
"I'd at least draft a stern letter. Never know what comes of it." Brick continued to stroll and poke things. "I'm glad it's you two next door, some seriously odd characters wandering around this place. I wouldn't want them to have access to my sleeping body."
The henchmen paused briefly, swapping curious glances before swapping straight back in realisation they each had their own. Bozo offered information. "The door can only be opened on your side. We're here to do your bidding. We have to learn the boss/underling relationship as much as you have to learn to order us around."
"That looks heavy." Spiritwind wandered in, crisp butty in hand.
"They reckon we've got to order them around." Brick broke the news to his chomping friend.
"Really? Will that not be a bit odd? You feel more like friends." The first bite of the sandwich justified the excess planning that went in to it.
Schmuk put the fridge down. The pause was extending towards a break for discussion. Bozo continued to inform. "Friends or not, there are traditions to uphold, and bonus marks for execution."
Brick spotted an opportunity for flounced philosophy. "I think you'll find me and Sp...Corsetry, aren't your average bad guy, types. We see traditions as merely unchallenged habits, unquestioned for no reason other than longevity, and longevity is no foundation to build but even the flimsiest tent upon. No. We like to approach things with a fresh eye, one focused on success, and this Evil business all seems a little bit too mean for our outlook on life. We want to foster co-operation and harmony amongst us, a feeling that we're all striving for the same thing and for the same rewards; to create a belief and positive attitude that will spread amongst us as a team and harness the success we deserve"
"Sounds more like heroics." Schmuk rubbed his kidney area.
Brick began to pace with a pronounced energy. The limited space meant he may have to go back into his own room and shout through the door. "Maybe, but those guys always win don't they? So why should we be so stubborn as to be unable to learn from their approach. We want to win don't we?"
"Of course we want to win, but we know...."
"We know nothing, except that if we accept defeat before we try then we're already beaten." Brick read the line back over in his mind. He felt it was Hugo standard. Spiritwind nodded his own approval before retrieving another sandwich.
"You guys are the bosses." Bozo nodded to Schmuk to lift the fridge up once more. Whatever the human's philosophical slant, this could still all be a test of obedience. He'd heard overlords were weird like that. "You just tell us what needs punching and we'll hit it." Schmuk held the fridge aloft and continued running on the spot.
"Is this what henchmen do of an evening then?" Spiritwind filled the potentially awkward silence. Brick was busy beaming about his heroic sentence.
"We've got a physical first thing. Need to be ready. How about you two? What's first for megalomania?" Bozo tested the friendship philosophy with a question.
"You seem to think I should know the answer to that?" Spiritwind turned to Brick in case he knew; the gurning hero didn't even have an expression of clueless-ness to offer in return.
"Your schedule should have been delivered to your room. Ours came in the beak of an attacking ostrich, had to beat it out of it. Not sure what you'll get."
"Oh. Guess we'd better go and take a look. Erm, be on guard in case we need assistance. You'll know by our yelps." Spiritwind ushered Brick back through the door, ducking as they went, in case an ostrich was waiting to take a swing.
Bozo and Schmuk shook their heads as the duo left. They'd been told megalomaniacs were odd but the reality was proving beyond their expectations.
"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Back in the overlord room, a three foot high biscuit tin held one arm behind its back while the other held out a tray with an envelope on it. Brick and Spiritwind didn't quite know what to do.
"Has that been there all the time?" Brick over-rid indecision with a query.
"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." It repeated its mantra. Simply standing there hadn't worked and the tin had a date that evening. He only had to finish this last delivery and his shift was over. He'd never been out with a washing up bowl before. He'd heard they were quite the friendly type.
"Have you been there all the time?" Brick aimed his question directly at the metal container.
"Delivery for Dag....."
"Okay, I get it. I'm Dag aren't I?" Brick turned to Spiritwind.
"Why not. You seem to like your name coming first." Spiritwind took a seat.
"I do don't I. What do you have for us?"
"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." The tin motioned towards the envelope. Brick picked it up. The tin nodded at each recipient then left with a scurry.
Brick opened the letter and proceeded to read. Spiritwind had a thought as he did so.
"He must have been here all the time, feels empty now he's gone."
"We didn't say anything to blow our cover did we? He did have a cheeky grin on his face. He may be off to tell his bosses that two grade five heroes are masquerading as students." Brick completely misinterpreted the amorous smirk of the tin.
"I don't think we even spoke until you mentioned the door. I was building butty perfection and you were dozing." The comment reminded Spiritwind he had a snack left.
"You mean re-aligning my ambience." Brick didn't wait for agreement and informed his partner of what the note said. "Says we have to be back in the megalomaniac hall tomorrow morning where we'll have a full course introduction and outline of what will be required to pass."
"Sounds like a good day."
"Or a very, very bad one." Brick tried to look evil. He looked more like he'd just swallowed a lemon while sitting on a drawing pin. "See what I did there? Good, bad."
"Oh I saw. I just didn't think it warranted further comment."
"Well, as long as you saw." Brick returned to the bed for more ambience alignment while Spiritwind planned his next meal; however, hidden in the air vents were two female heroes who had just overheard the most intriguing piece of gossip since Queen Serenade left her husband to be with the nation's official time-waster.
Contents
Chapter Eleven
Nicole and Suzy edged back from the air vent they'd stumbled on. Heroic coincidence had diverted their search for Dip Sing's office past Brick and Spiritwind's room, just as they mentioned their true identities as heroes.
Nicole whispered. "I think we've stumbled on an undercover, grade five operation?"
"I thought there was only one active grade five hero?" Both women silently tutted at the thought of Hugo Cortizone as they slumped against the metallic walls in ponderous shock, wondering how to respond.
Hugo's aura of hunk did little for the two females, something the great one found infinitely frustrating. His response was to go over the top with come-ons whenever he was around the pair. Something he tried to engineer whenever possible.
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Nicole and Suzy's plan to capture their nemesis, the current Chancellor of the university, had been running suspiciously smoothly. Flirting their way past the security system, it had agreed to mask their presence in the hope of a kiss as gratitude, they had been mere moments away from the grill overlooking Dip's office; only to pass Brick and Spiritwind's vent at the exact time they revealed their true identities. The ladies were confused, but relieved to finally find the twist inherently buried in every mission a hero undertakes.
"Weren't there some 'helpers' around when the bucket of sleaze saved the universe?" Suzy delved into her memory. "Can't really remember much about those three flaxals (about six days). Great party whoever it honoured. Isn't that where you....."
".........we agreed never to mention that again. Never did find my other knee-pad." Nicole lost herself in nostalgia for a moment. "Helpers don't qualify for grade five awards though, surely?"
"The Hero Council has many strange ways, but if they do, perhaps a pair of grade three heroes who happen to stumble upon a grade five mission should try to 'help' out. Maybe they'll find themselves promoted?" The slowly nodding head suggested it was the only option, and that disagreeing may see you in a headlock. "Heroic coincidence has pointed us here for a reason, and as the code says, heroic coincidences must be followed to their inevitable conclusion."
"Suzy, you really are fantastic." Nicole went along with her partner, as much out of fear of being strangled as the fact it was a great idea.