by Paul Vayro
"Dip Sing Doolally. Really?"
"I don't understand. Hold on. Was that even a question?"
"Oh I think you do, Scrotal." Nicole leaned in. The panic that flashed across Dip's face belied his verbal attempts at denial.
"Scrotal? It clearly states my name on the thing, and as you can see it is Dip Sin...."
"The game's up, Scrotal. That scar above your right eye...." Dip tried to see what he knew was there. "....came courtesy of Suzy in the bar where we first met. Not a wise choice to traverse three flights of stairs on your face."
"I was given no choice." A snarl entered Dip's lip. Suzy's face entered the majority of his vision, eye twitching, ready to explode.
"Good to see you've come to your senses and remembered who you are. Suzy had spotted a nice lift shaft on the way here, needs a fake Chancellor hanging upside down in it."
"What do you want? If we are to fight to the death then at least give me a fair chance at victory." Dip struggled, Suzy spasmed. The Chancellor settled down with a worried glaze. He'd been on the wrong end of those twitches too many times. "And for the record I'm not a fake Chancellor. I'm officially registered, for tax purposes at least."
Nicole sauntered around the room as she spoke, knowing their nemesis was going nowhere. "We are far from the amateurs you used to face, Scrotal. We know were we to set you free you'd scarper under the guise of battle. There's bound to be at least one secret bookcase entrance in a room such as this. You see, we've been promoted, grade three, which means we need a worthy nemesis, and you don't match up anymore."
"So go, find your nemesis and leave me to my work." Dip looked as far to the left as he could in order to avoid Suzy's wobbling chin.
"I'm afraid it isn't that simple. We have to cash you in at The Heroes Guild. You have to be officially vanquished before we can replace you."
"Vanquished? Whatever do you mean?" Dip was dying to nibble on the ceiling fan.
Nicole glanced at the many shelves as she strolled, poking at various books only to find they were empty boxes. "You'll be processed and placed in the vanquished pit along with all the other fallen nemesii, sises, sums." She looked inquisitively at herself before carrying on. "You'll eventually be fired into space towards a randomly chosen and uncertain destiny. You won't die, and should you wish to return for vengeance you may, but you must train yourself to our level before the laws of battle will allow it."
"I won't go. You can't do this. I've just got my office how I like it."
"We're not aski...." Nicole's sentence was interrupted by a larger flourish of colour entering the room in a ball. It rolled towards the desk and stood in one smooth movement, lifting Dip by the throat and pinning him against the wall.
"This brute giving you ladies trouble?" It was Hugo.
"Not really. We were jus..."
"I thought so. It's a knack I have, thinking something that's absolutely right."
"Hugo Cortizone? Is that really you? In my air vent too." Dip was star-struck.
"In the flesh sonny, although you may begin to wish I wasn't." Hugo turned and pinned Dip to the desk.
"Could I get an autograph? It's for my niece you see, big fan." Dip searched for a paper and pen across the work station he was held against.
"Listen, Hugo. We...."
"No need for thanks, Nicole Extravaganza. I'm just doing what any being with my outstanding abilities would do. Shall I?" Hugo gestured towards his walkie-talkie cufflink before speaking, oblivious to any agreement Nicole may offer. Suzy's twitches grew at Hugo's lack of manners. "Calling Velos 19."
"Take me. I'm happy to be captured by such a legend." Dip held out his arms for ease of cuffing, his attitude having turned completely.
"I need to report the capture of....."
"Scrotal Nepotism is my name." Dip couldn't be more helpful.
"Scrotal Nepotism, been hiding out here at Evil University."
"Wow, Mr Cortizone sir. You'll chase Evil anywhere, even into the heart of its lair." The operator whispered. "I love you so much."
"Well, strictly speaking it wasn't my doing." Hugo nodded towards Nicole as she folded her arms in utter disgust.
"Aha. It says on the files he's the nemesis of Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic. He's due to be vanquished. We've been waiting for them to deliver him, but looks like you've cleaned up their slackness for them. Would you like us to inform them on your behalf that the mighty one has done their job for them?" Suzy scarred the voice of the operator on to her memory. His time would come.
"No need son. They're here with me."
"Oh you sly old dog Hugo. You sure know how to impress the ladies. Invite them along to show them how a true hero does it." Hugo offered apologies with shuffles of his body, smiling all the time as though it was a future anecdote they'd share. Suzy offered her own shuffles, in the form of outraged convulsions.
"It isn't quite like that, son." Hugo suggested there was nothing he could do.
"However it is; you're still marvellous."
"It's been an honour, son. Let destiny reign."
"The honour's all mine."
"Get back in the air vent, quickly." Nicole's anger would have to wait. She could see Suzy had been pushed beyond the point of no return. Her twitches had reached critical level. Hugo was about to be bold until he saw Suzy's face. He dived in to the air vent, Dip in hand. Nicole back-flipped her way to join them as the metal rectangle echoed with the sounds of furniture smashing. Various splinters flew past the opening for a good ten minutes before Suzy appeared at the entrance. Calm and relieved.
"Shall we go and hand him in then?" Suzy couldn't be more polite as she pointed to Dip; Nicole replied with her own annoyed tone.
"The only place we're going is to Brick and Spiritwind's pub. This chunk has taken the credit. He can deliver him to Velos 19." Hugo's smile lost fuel as the words sunk in. Where was the praise, the adulation? Women were such confusing beasts; first Fayre Maiden and now this.
As the disharmonious trio of honour shuffled away, the dust began to part to reveal Dip's new office. A pile of broken wood sat at the centre of the room, all furniture and most of the walls stripped in rage, the room scarred with fury.
On the plus side, it made it look like he'd put up one hell of a fight.
Contents
Chapter Twenty Four
Spon knocked on Dip's office door for a third time. They would always walk to the launching of the final assessment together, discussing various students and their hopes along the way. Spon would usually feign some mild interest in one random choice or another, but he always suspected Dip could tell his heart wasn't behind them; however this time they had something genuinely exciting to talk about.
Spon knocked for a fourth time. Even when Dip was in one of his moods and was ignoring him, he'd make it obvious with the sounds of exaggerated shuffles and stirs. There was no reason for a strop today though. They hadn't had co-operation like this in, well, ever.
After the sixth knock, Spon began to suspect something was wrong. Dip wouldn't miss the launch of the missions. As nervous as he got in front of crowds he loved pushing the big 'begin' button. Spon spoke through the door. "I'm going to come in, Dip. I realise this may infuriate you, which is why I'm letting you know. Just bang the floor if you want me to go away." Spon waited for anything resembling a thud. It didn't come. The Vice Chancellor took it as permission to enter. With his head submissively down he shuffled into the room, slowly raising his eyes through the dust that still swirled gently.
"Oh my goodness." The devastation Spon found was overwhelming. He stepped towards the eight foot pile of debris and circled it, hand cupping his mouth, searching for a loose limb that could be assigned to his boss. Any self respecting ex-henchman knows it's essential to leave an exposed hand or foot when buried by battle residue, or an open eye should the crush have been fatal. It's purely manners.
With no body parts to pull, Spon searched the office. With little left to hide behind or under, it didn
't take long. None of the secret bookcase doors had been activated and the emergency fireplace exit remained sealed. Spon wandered towards the large, contemplating window as a thought dawned across his scalp: 'That makes me the Chancellor'. Spon's lack of conscience shone forth to grab what was rightfully his.
***********
Spon strolled down the numerous corridors of the university, lost in realisation of his promotion. He could put his full plan in to operation. Dag and Corsetry wouldn't have to 'disappear'. He could change the curriculum to a more heroic way of thinking. He could park his car a full thirty feet nearer the entrance.
The new Chancellor stepped out of the lift and turned left towards the control room. The windowed tunnel he sauntered down looked out across the bays that contained the equipment and personnel for each student's plan. He glanced intermittently at the countless ships and abundant rows of uniformed anger, only pausing upon seeing the hangar assigned to Dag and Corsetry. Magical Causality, its shell morphed in to something resembling a beetle with acne, sat alongside one other craft of similar visual mischief. Bozo and Schmuk meandered around the floor. Brick and Spiritwind were still on board their trusty ship, searching for hangover phials. 'My new hope'. Spon whispered to himself before continuing along the elongated walkway.
A door at the far end of the corridor, opened in response to the Chancellor's presence. Spon passed through and in to the communication hub. Dollop and the rest of the course tutors mingled uncomfortably.
"Is Dip not with you?" Dollop was the first react to the absence.
"No, no." Spon had forgotten to think of a cover story. "He's asked me to do the blast off speech." The room murmured surprise. "He's got a sore throat; didn't want to lessen the effect of triumph in his tone."
All except Dollop swallowed the tale without question. As generic Evil they weren't trained to spot such inconsistencies and blatant fibs.
The ex-henchman sidled over towards Spon as the rest of the room continued to devour the complimentary nibbles. "Sore throat?"
"I'll explain the good news later. Shall we begin?" Spon headed for the Chancellor's chair. It was surrounded by monitors and a microphone linked to an eighty foot screen in each overlord hangar. He got comfortable before pushing the button that opened the intercom.
"Welcome students, to your final assessment." Spon could get used to this.
Brick and Spiritwind stirred from inside Magic, clambering on to an armchair and being lifted down and in to their assigned warehouse of intended mischief.
"Today will see the beginning of your quest, your journey in to the lands of Evil, the first steps towards one day achieving what so many before you have failed to do. Take everything you've learnt and apply it well, for you now face the lessons that can't be taught on a board or through anecdotes, but only through experience. Class, commence your speeches." Spon waved a fist then slapped it down on the big, red, Begin button; he could see why Dip loved pushing it so much.
Spon faded from the screen, replaced by BEGIN in large, red, flashing letters. After a pause, the rooms cheered, and each overlord took to their podium. An examiner behind a one way mirror in every hangar picked up their clipboard and pencil. The one concealed in Brick and Spiritwind's room wondered if their sound system was working. Nobody had taken to the stage.
"Have you got a speech?" Brick poked Spiritwind as Bozo and Schmuk looked between their bosses and the empty speakers' stand.
"Not one prepared for this situation. I've a few impromptu ones about a variety of topics, one of which concerns not poking a man in the ribs while he's holding a bag of chips."
"I'll do it then." Brick skipped up to the stand, secretly happy that he got to wring a monologue out of his mind. The assessor instantly marked Brick down for wholesome joviality in his ascension of the plinth.
Positioning himself, Brick looked out across the vast space they had at their disposal. All the other rooms were filled to the brim with vehicles, machines and armed warriors. Brick's audience consisted of two idle ships, a pair of henchmen on a wooden chair each, and a bald man who'd just spilt ketchup on his top.
"MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ORDERED MORE STUFF." The words boomed around the room.
"Maybe you should turn the volume down?" Spiritwind's stunned features had an instant suggestion.
"MAYBE Y..." Brick turned the microphone to the side. "Maybe you're right." He searched beneath the stand for a time immeasurable by its impracticality.
After several moments, Bozo raised his hand. The examiner watched on in disbelief, unsure how to grade such a performance.
"Don't be shy, Bozo. Just blurt it out." Spiritwind offered encouragement, and a chip.
"You could just talk to us. We're only a Humnar away."
Brick's head appeared above the stand, flustered but with a stylish ruffled look running through his hair. "Won't we lose points for dramatic effect?"
"Probably not as many as saying nothing at all." The roars of the other rooms could me made out, faintly trickling through the various vents and poorly soundproofed walls. The heroes' mission was already behind.
"Don't worry. Found it." Brick returned to his full height and cautiously spoke. "How's that?" The lack of pained faces that greeted the question served as the answer. The examiner wondered if finding the volume was worthy of a tick for effort. He dropped his pencil, and forgot what he'd been thinking about.
"Men!" Brick held his arms outstretched to the sides, awaiting further inspiration. "We are here." Still nothing. "And out there is a world, a world which as far as I can see, is ours. The so called inhabitants are just waiting to be told, told with a force that is not for the reckoning of stars or the vision of those with feeble stomachs." Something had definitely turned up. "There'll be crushing of spirits, a slaying of ideals, a vacuum of hope, and we shall fill it with our own intentions and desires. Not because we need to, purely because we want to, and whatever we want we just go out and claim for ourselves, for we are Evil, and we don't care." Everyone was suitably impressed, including the examiner; however the lack of people made the audience more cerebrally appreciative than the rollicking furore the other speeches received; more a series of nods, winks and raised eyebrows than any actual shouting. Brick finished with a final thought that had popped in to his head from nowhere.
"So let us step out of these doors, not on a quest to take over an Earth, but in to the annals of legends. I thank you." Brick skipped down from the stage, accepting an applause that wasn't there, and jumped straight on to an armchair that disappeared in to Magic.
"Are you two following us then or do you know the way?" Spiritwind spoke directly to Bozo and Schmuk.
"I thought we were coming with you?"
"You are, but we thought we'd get you your own ship." Spiritwind pointed to the sinister craft that sat alongside Magic. "We had a ridiculous budget, thought somebody should get something out of it."
"Really." Bozo threatened a tear.
"For us?" Schmuk held it together with only a squeak in his larynx.
"That's the nicest thing. You guys are the best." Bozo patted Spiritwind's shoulder. The small, bald man was catapulted by the force on to an armchair on the ramp of Magic.
"No problem. Enjoy it. We'll see you there." Spiritwind disappeared in to the hull, rubbing his arm. Bozo and Schmuk giddily ran up the entrance to their new ship.
The other missions set off, filling the space around the planet and heading towards their assignments, except one, which meandered in the direction of a planet with an already intended ruler.
"Are we not veering off track, boss?" Jiggery turned to Bum.
"I veered off track once, terrible business. That's why they have that saying: stick to the track." Yakkety wittered.
"Did I not mention? We have a special mission from the Chancellor himself." Bum cackled in a manner that suggested no further questions should interrupt his joy at knowing something they didn't, and that the chapter was at an end.
Contents
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sp; Chapter Twenty Five
Brick (Other Brick) from the Earth franchise planet at the heart of Dag and Corsetry's takeover, rolled over in the lush grass and instantly awoke.
"This isn't right." His intuition had not been eradicated by the copious levels of alcohol consumed the previous night.
"Definitely not." Other Spiritwind concurred between bites of his toasty, sat three feet from his friend.
"How could our drunken homing signals be so off?" With a quick sit up and a turn of the head, Other Brick could see they had passed out in their neighbour's front garden rather than their own.
"Perhaps we need to re-calibrate them with a day on the sofa and various flashing imagery passing before our eyes. Intermittent feasts will also be provided." Other Spiritwind formed an instant plan.
The pair struggled to their feet and stumbled towards the gate.
A bush opposite, ruffled before telling itself to shut up. Closer inspection would reveal it to be Bum-Raa and his henchmen. Yakkety was the subject of the rebuke.
The evil trio had searched out the address of Rick and Biritvind and awaited the emergence of the planet's saviours; as Brick and Spiritwind stumbled out of the true saviour's garden and on to the street, Bum jumped in to action.
"There they are. Oh how devious." Bum skipped from the bush, dossier and necklace in hand, and headed directly for them. Brick saw the hair-riddled student approach, followed by two awkward looking but average sized men. The henchmen had been forced to don human suits that disguised their bulk and appearance as a pair of morning joggers. Being the right proportions to appear almost native, Bum only had to cover his beard and arm, although an amusing coincidence meant his disguise face looked exactly the same as his own, only the beard was made of hair. "Excuse me. Excuse me." Bum lost all intimidation.
"Do we owe anyone any money?" Other Brick nudged Other Spiritwind
"Lots of people, but only the kind that send coloured letters and nasty e-mails; nobody that would send a camp man at such an hour of the day, whatever hour it is."
"So, you are the great hope. I have to say it's very subtle; exactly what you'd expect from the Earth."
"We have no money." Brick tapped his pocket to see if he was telling the truth. He could swear he felt at least three unexplained Scrabble tiles.