by Paul Vayro
"You're the perfect candidate. You acted as his guard with Insidious Chi and have fought him thrice." Dollop stroked his scar. "So you know his mannerisms, his ways."
"All too well." Dollop gave heroic rhetoric a whirl. He liked it.
"This could be your final strike, to destroy his reputation; surely far more satisfying than throwing him off a cliff or burying him beneath a poppadum factory."
Dollop paused and ran the idea through his head before airing another mini monologue. "That man has plagued my entire working life. He has been my nemesis, my tormentor in defeat, and briefly my betrothed...." Spon didn't dare pry. "I've already faced the demon of becoming a maiden in the name of Evil. I suppose in some ways, assuming his persona is the ultimate step in facing myself."
"Is that a yes?" Spon was unsure which way this was going. He prepared to run, fully expectant of finding a tank on his head if he did.
"I think it is. After everything I worked through whilst acting as his guard, to be him would ultimately allow me to try and understand him, and we all know fear and understanding do not sit together at tea time."
"No. They barely go to the same restaurants." Spon and Dollop looked at each other then snapped out of their world of simile.
"You can use me as you need." Dollop could see why Hugo always talked in this manner. "
Spon clapped excitedly. "This is excellent news. We'll get you measured up for your full Hugo suit, and I'll go and work on the finer details."
"Will Dag and Corsetry know it's me in there?" Dollop checked his own details.
"Not until the final moment. They know nothing yet of the plan we are forming. Probably best not to have too many people involved in what's really going on. More chance for error that way."
"So, you are learning from them?" Dollop felt the twinges of potential success he used to experience at the onset of every mission, aware that reality would quell them at some point.
"I think I am. More importantly, I think we all can."
Both adopted a poetic stance, unsure what to do next. Dollop offered his feelings. "I have the strangest urge to laugh heartily to the sky."
"It'll do that to you, this place. Would you like to laugh heartily to the sky?" Spon hoped he didn't.
"Not really. Always thought it was a bit silly. Nothing's ever that funny, certainly not a statement of dastardly intent. A man falling down the stairs with a tray of cream cakes, perhaps, but that's more a guffaw than a hearty chuckle."
"Ah, a fan of personal misfortune? I've a selection of slapstick movies back in my office if you care to while away an afternoon. Have a fine projector to play them on."
"Sounds like a great idea......."
The duo wandered back towards the university, Dollop dragging his tank and Spon considering the rest of his plan, pleased the chat hadn't ended with forty tonnes of metal on his face.
It was nice to see a conversation about an Evil idea for once rather than an exchange of meaningless declarations and the room ending up on fire. Maybe it truly was a new dawn.
Contents
Chapter Twenty-Two
The overlord students filed back in to their study lab. The trainee henchmen had already lined up at the back of the room, pushing and posturing affecting the geometry of their line. The torturers and mad scientists had remained in their dungeons/labs, where they felt of best use to the world.
Each megalomaniac took a seat in front of their assigned work station. Dip, Spon, Dollop, and various other members of the faculty were seated on a miniature stage.
Once the background waffle and sense of excitement had dwindled, and Brick had worked out how to make his chair point in the right direction, Dip stood and prepared to speak.
"Welcome, students, to the presentation of your final plans." He raised his arms. The back of the room stamped its feet and offered roars of battle. "Everything you have learnt in these past few weeks should have been crammed into your dossier in order to show the Evil world what kind of monster you will become." More whooping and general gnarls toured the room. Hugo sat in the air vent with Nicole and Suzy, trying to restrain his natural instinct to burst through and take everyone on in a fist dance. Brick was more concerned about the homework it appeared they hadn't done.
"Have you written one of these dossier things?" He turned to Spiritwind.
"I was just beginning to wonder about that."
"We're going to need an excuse."
"We're going to need two." Spiritwind proved he could still count.
"If you would kindly, or nastily..." The room gurgled its laughter. "...complete the ceremonial sending of the file." Everybody wiggled the mouse to bring their plans up on screen. They were already loaded and waiting. A huge electronic button flashed 'Send' in the centre. Brick poked at their mouse with his eyes firmly closed. He felt a tap from Spiritwind and opened them. His bald friend beamed back at him.
"We must have done it during the montage." Spiritwind offered a celebratory mini-hamburger, complete with cheese and bacon.
"Of course we did. I knew something would turn up. And you were worried." Brick released his tension through a gentle huff, and marvelled at the screen. It was filled with ideas and waffle under every heading. Spiritwind would have shaken his head in judgement, but it seemed a waste of neck turns he may need in later life.
Dip turned to the giant screen that adorned the wall behind him. Data flashed across it as the files were submitted. "Excellent." Dip raised both arms in victory; it felt justified, then sat down. Spon stood and took over the speaking duties.
"Shall we flick through a few?" Spon's suggestion received equal hollers. There was no lack of confidence in the room.
Spon pushed a button beneath the speakers' stand. It stopped on Colax Braced's intention.
A purple cloaked man stood, only the lenses of his telescopic spectacles could be seen beneath his equally purple hat, a purple neckerchief covering his mouth and nose.
"He must be warm in all that." Brick had only one thought. Bum-Raa sent a knowing sneer in the Earthling's direction, happy that he would be around to see their demise.
"My plan is simple." Colax began his diatribe. "I shall arrive above a landmark in every well known world city, in a series of crafts as large as a small borough of the lesser known towns that surround it. They shall hover there, creating concern and panic for a period of days, before I seize control of every television and radio on the Earth to pass on my demands. I shall destroy one country to prove my power."
"Make sure you pick America." Brick couldn't help but comment. The room turned towards him. Dip ate a shoe.
"What?" Colax had little more to offer.
"Pick America, to blow up. If you don't an ex-special forces guy will come out of retirement from being the best of the best after you blow up the cupcake shop he'd recently opened. He'll be flung together with an attractive woman who's just ended a relationship, making her vulnerable and available for a fling disguised as love, and is having an already stressful day. This stress will overflow during the finale when she delivers a knockout blow to your female assassin/sorceress, but for now that isn't important. There'll be a few other characters who'll make up his 'team', mainly thrown in for light relief. None of them will be in their physical prime, be it through lifestyle or genetics, but they will still have the power to avoid any accidental deaths or attacks from highly skilled combatants, and will defeat said combatants in a comical manner. So, unless you want that to happen, pick America to destroy first."
"I was thinking Paris. The Eiffel Tower will look spectacular as it collapses." The confidence ebbed from Colax's speech as his plan flickered across the screen. It stopped on the bio page of a female assassin that made up part of his crew. Murmurs broke out as Colax sat down, stunned and without argument.
"Well thank you, Dag Nammit, for your insight." Spon was elated, but couldn't show it.
"Anytime." Brick was oblivious to the room's embarrassed, ire.
Spon pushed the
random button again. It landed on Dingo Battlescar, an eight foot set of teeth held up by a series of muscles that threatened to rip the heart out of a granite boulder should it come anywhere near his pint, never mind spill it. He raised himself, and spoke with less confidence than you'd expect.
"I plan to build a lair at the heart of the Earth, linking such to a derelict building in every major city of every country. When the time comes, and my army is amassed, I shall send them through the tunnels and out in to the streets, armed with guns that fire the sensation of wearing a shirt filled with hair clippings. With such power I shall make the leaders of the Earth bow before me and rule all that is." The room turned towards Brick. He continued perusing his trainer, wondering about a variety of unexplained scuffs.
"Any problems with that, Dag Nammit?" Spon spoke up for the room.
"Well, not so much a problem." Brick looked up from his shoe, no nearer to understanding the social history of his footwear. "Really like the gun idea by the way."
"But?" Dingo managed to look needy.
"I just think there's quite a good chance that a band of heroes will stumble upon one of these tunnels, purely by heroic coincidence. They'll probably meet a social outcast, a misunderstood homeless man perhaps, who happened to see one of your men returning to the base through a warehouse. He won't reveal it straight away though. They'll take him in first, feed him, make him feel wanted; then the nomad will reveal the information in a flippant manner, probably when they're most stuck. Anyway, they'll investigate the said warehouse, find a tunnel, and follow it right to the heart of your plan. And we all know what'll happen in the final showdown. Aside from that, sounds great." The thumbs up held nothing but a patronising sneer.
"I shall leave plenty of guards back there as defence against such." Dingo bit his screen in half through hurried speech.
"That won't help. The heroes will just hide behind a multitude of equipment waiting to be moved around on forklifts, steal a number of uniforms, and find you just as you move into the final phase of your plan. You may even capture the female love interest and tie her up exotically. She'll threaten you with what will happen when her love chunk turns up, you'll mock her further for such a suggestion, but he will; and somehow burn your base down in the process, or set off the self-destruct mechanism." Dingo sat down, picking the power button out of his teeth.
"Well, let us hear your plan then." Bum-Raa could hold his annoyance in no more.
A rally of supporting cries rang around the hall, including from Brick and Spiritwind. They were as curious as anyone to see what they'd come up with.
"Shall we?" Spon awaited their confirmation before scrolling through to their dossier. Brick and Spiritwind quickly read their own screen, suitably impressed with what they'd come up with. Spon read out what he saw, in amazement.
"HQ, a pub?"
"What better place to hide?" Brick offered nothing but sincerity. "There's a bank of takeaways opposite it too." He was already zooming in to scout the surrounding area.
"Uniform: smart casual? Transport: The number 42 bus? Catchphrase: Indeed!"
"We're saving you a fortune." Brick could sense appreciation wasn't forthcoming.
"Indeed." Spiritwind whipped their catchphrase into use straight away.
"You don't need to save us money. We own each planet. We could print more money than you could ever imagine." Dip stepped forward, his mouth full of carpet."
"So why are you going to all this trouble of amassing armies? Why not just offer to buy it?" Spiritwind made a point that no Evil had ever considered. It had to laugh it off or the whole game would have been up there and then.
Spon scrolled down to the crux of their plan. The other overlords read it and had little else to say. "Steal the internet and infect it with the news that Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload are the planet's new ultimate rulers of all that is." Spon scrolled down a little further. "The internet is housed in a light-bulb in the far corners of a warehouse on the edge of the town of Puddleton. Two temps currently work nearby it and are its only potential guard. Its insignificance, and un-likeliness of being the key to the entire sub-ether, is its security." Spon was bewildered by the level of genius. "No armies?"
"Not needed." Brick sat with his arms folded. Some would say in a smug manner.
Dip wanted to say something, but he had nothing. Equally Bum sat and fumed, searching for an angle of attack. It just made too much sense. Dip swallowed another carpet tile and took over the podium, speaking with distracted fury and eager to get the whole debacle over with.
"We shall work to arrange your plans and have them ready for the actual day of assessment. You have a few days to relax and prepare yourselves for the test ahead. DISMISSED."
Everyone filed out in mumbling silence. Dip signalled Bum towards him. Around the back of the stage he handed over Dag and Corsetry's dossier and a necklace of some sort. His wagging finger relayed instructions, his wagging tail displayed the pleasure such mischief gave him.
Once the room was empty, the air vent had its say.
"Told you there were two fine minds here with a plan." Nicole turned to Hugo. He'd given up watching the lecture theatre a long time ago. He'd been mesmerised by the lycra covered posteriors of the two females he adored.
"Fine indeed! Plan? Of course. Heroes never fail....."
"Were you looking at my bum all this time?" Nicole could see what had been going on.
"We have to maintain our vision for each other. This place is filled...."
"I'm taking that as a yes. Come on." Nicole shuffled back down the vent and towards the final tweaks of her own plan. Hugo followed with a longing gaze that a puppy could only dream of.
Contents
Chapter Twenty-Three
After three days off, the Evil University almost felt relaxed, except for the crews responsible for putting together the overlords' plans, but they were on casual contracts so were happy for the work.
Brick and Spiritwind had spent their time on board Magic, watching films and making use of the disco room. Nicole and Suzy even popped round for a night, but left when Brick managed to spin himself out of the club and in to the water-slide system. By the time he'd found his way back to the funk area only Spiritwind and a box of chicken remained.
The female heroes had spent the rest of their time putting the final touches to their plan to kidnap Dip, which mainly consisted of vague discussions during extensive bubble bath sessions; they'd taken on a whole new pleasure since securing the recipe for Gentle Cycles from Brick. The only other burden on their time involved trying to repel Hugo's continual advances for attention and pats on the head for past bravery. They hadn't mentioned his presence to Brick and Spiritwind. It only promised more confusion. Plus, they hoped Hugo would be leaving very soon.
Spon had been enjoying his new back garden, even with his neighbour twitching behind the curtains, waiting for the moment it became flooded with visitors. Although Ginjiv-Itis had to wonder if they'd still visit now the fountain of Evil had mysteriously dried up.
Bum-Raa had been reading through Dag and Corsetry's dossier, mocking it with empty laughter as each page passed, such sense could never flourish success. Every evil mind in the universe knew that. He practiced the speech he'd make as their plan collapsed and he revealed his part in it all, wondering if slipping in a magic trick may be taking things too far. He never tired of seeing a coin appear from behind an unsuspecting ear.
Jiggery and Yakkety had stayed out of Bum's way, spending time arm wrestling and swapping snarls. Jiggery had also been reading up on building courses should the inevitable failure hit his boss hard enough to consider early retirement. Yakkety had been talking to anyone and everything that crossed his path, be it a conscious being or a bath sponge. A phone-call to his mother had lasted most of the first day, although she'd only managed to listen for ten minutes. She didn't need to be on the other end to appease her son and had nipped off to the local theme park, returning later that evening to say goodn
ight.
Bozo and Schmuk spent the time running through various role-play scenarios they may face while working as bouncers at Brick and Spiritwind's pub. They studied the subtle differences between trainers and shoes, and what constituted football colours on the relevant days, but inevitably descended into swapping anecdotes about past fights and where to poke someone to make them throw up instantly.
Dollop had been trying on his Hugo suit, staring into the mirror that reflected so many questions back to him. The hours standing in front of a conflicted reality, his own eyes peering out from Hugo's grin, ebbed away at the barriers he'd built between them. Would becoming his nemesis untie the final knot of angst that had plagued his existence?
As the morning of the assessment finally came, the sun attempted to brighten the university with its rays. The permanent cloud cover and sinister intent wouldn't allow it fully through, only permitting a vague suggestion of what could be were the dark swirls to break. Personally, the clouds preferred the moon and would step aside most nights to allow it to shine sinisterly in the sky. It was a permanent irritation of the Sun's. It wasn't as if the moon even did anything. It was just a big mirror reflecting all his hard radiation work. Its fury would be unleashed with the occasional strop and release of several thousand flares out in to space, not that it changed anything.
Dip stared up at the foreboding sky from his desk, wondering if he would really have a figurehead in only a matter of weeks. It could be the kick start to the next step of his career, the prologue to his legendary status as the man that revolutionised Evil training, or at least managed to turn a decent profit from it.
Taking a deep, satisfied breath he released it in shock as the cover to the air vent flew off the wall, quickly followed by a flurry of colour back-flipping across his office. By the time he'd uttered an exasperated query he was pinned to his chair by the leg of Suzy Fantastic. She covered the draw that held his rocket launcher with a free hand. Nicole Extravaganza seductively strode towards the confused Chancellor, picking up his name plate upon reaching the desk.