Ying, Yang and Ambivalence

by Paul Vayro

  "And why would you? All part of the disguise, looking like hopeless losers, I understand. Anyway, I'm here to tell you your services are needed, imminently." Bum almost fell over in excited glee. Jiggery and Yakkety struggled to straighten their suits. Their elbows were the wrong way round.

  "Are you from the agency? We really were ill yesterday, but when he suddenly felt better we thought it was a good reason to celebrate." Other Brick fumbled an excuse for their previous day's absence.

  "You two live here, right?" Bum began to suspect the stupidity may not be a disguise.

  "Yes." They were, technically, now standing outside their house.

  "And you're Rick and Biritvind?"

  "Close enough." Brick just wanted to get in to bed.

  "Then this is yours." Bum handed over the dossier. "As is this." The future overlord added an ornate necklace to the file. It was the Dimensionator that they would need to dispose of Dag and Corsetry. It could send anything to any alternate dimension with one zap. "I'm sure such trained athletes and minds as yourselves will know exactly what you need to do. Enjoy." Bum skipped away, followed by his still misaligned henchmen.

  Other Brick handed the folder straight to Other Spiritwind. "I believe you're in charge of admin."

  "Are you not intrigued?" Other Spiritwind popped a digestive in his mouth as they approached their door.

  "Of course, but I know you're more intrigued and will ultimately tell me the edited highlights." Other Brick fell through the half tortoise shell glass/half wooden barrier and headed straight to the staircase. Other Spiritwind flicked through the book and wandered towards the kitchen.

  ***************

  Several hours later, Other Brick trickled in to the living room. Other Spiritwind had the file by the side of the sofa, surrounded by empty plates.

  "Morning." Other Brick plonked straight on to his armchair and adopted a watching television posture.

  "Why not." Other Spiritwind had given up on debating the time of day and the correct greeting that accompanies each.

  "Anything interesting happen while I was away?"

  "Define interesting." Other Spiritwind wasn't opening up that easily.

  "I don't have to because the dictionary has already done it. I hear it defined annoying too." Other Brick shuffled upwards with vague purpose. "What was in the folder?"

  "Ah. I thought you might have forgotten about that." Other Spiritwind picked it up. "There was this necklace." Other Spiritwind tossed the cylindrical sheath of metal towards Other Brick. His shock at the projectile approaching closed his eyes. When they opened it was on his stomach. The impact had been minimal, its weight barely registering. Other Spiritwind continued to inform as Other Brick tried the jewellery on. "It's some kind of story written out as a plan. Had to put bits in the right order, narrative arc could do with a bit of work, but sounds interesting."

  "Then that fulfils the criteria of exactly what I was enquiring about."

  "Says that two blokes named Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload are going to sneak in to our warehouse and steal a light bulb that houses the internet. They're then going to use it to convince the world that they are the new leaders."

  "Sounds a bit rubbish. Where are the big guns and car chases? They obviously know nothing about heroics. They should have a chat with us." Other Brick reverted back towards the telly.

  "Also mentions a new pub by the canal: The Cloak and Dagger."

  "Are you saying this is an elaborate advert to get us to go for a pint?"

  "I'm saying nothing, not after last time."

  "You deserved that fine." Other Brick shuffled his head nearer to comfort.

  "I'm not getting in to it again."

  "You shouldn't have gotten into it last time. Then you wouldn't have been fined."

  "So, are we going to this pub then?" Other Spiritwind put the folder back by the side of the sofa and slid in to a comfier position.

  "Of course we are. Why deny the inevitable, maybe after a quick nap though, and a few films." Other Brick closed his eyes, safe in the knowledge they had a productive day ahead, once they could find room for it in their hectic schedule.

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  Chapter Twenty Six

  "Very nice." Brick commented as he and Spiritwind surveyed their headquarters from the outside. The Cloak and Dagger was a friendly looking pub, its thatched roof practically a beaming smile and a welcoming cuddle.

  Set in ample greenery, with a canal running by its side, benches with attached tables littered the grounds; a child's play area sat next to an enlarged version for adults. Magic declared he was going to park himself on Noel Hill to clear his hangover and try and remember what a ship was supposed to do with its life. Brick and Spiritwind decided to test the largest slide and headed towards the foam escalator that carried you to its summit, but had to reschedule as their henchmen arrived.

  Bozo and Schmuk had already parked on Noel Hill. The mound was five minutes henchman jog away and the optimum landing spot for any visiting spacecraft. They had already changed in to their human disguise suits, squeezing their bulk into six and a half feet of dinner jacketed bouncers. It had made the run an altogether clammier affair, but all that was forgotten as they absorbed the pleasant nature of their surroundings.

  "Can I help?" Brick queried the pair of well dressed joggers.

  "Sorry, Boss. It's us." Bozo pulled the mouth of his suit up to reveal his eye and half a squashed nose.

  "That does not look comfy. You should add to that your letter about the size of the accommodation. Shall we go inside?" Brick ushered the pair towards the entrance as Bozo lost himself in the breeze that tickled the slowly falling leaves of the ample trees.

  The welcoming theme continued once through the doors. A pub of country standards shone with personality. Numerous tables and communal areas were primed for conversation and mindless debates, the chairs built for comfort over uniformity. The bar wrapped around a central block containing a walled off kitchen, pictures of the buildings original purpose of water powered milling adorning the walls. First impressions suggested nothing out of the ordinary, yet closer inspection revealed Brick and Spiritwind's own desired extras.

  Following the bar's curvature they came across a back wall that gave access to several further rooms. The foursome explored, the heroic duo wondering just what they'd ordered during the montage.

  "Film room, good idea, must have been mine, that one." Brick nodded at the sofa filled area, complete with wall sized screen at one end and mini-bar in each arm of the furniture. The snack wall made a mockery of a nutritionist's profession.

  "Napping area, as you'd expect." Spiritwind whipped out a hot dog of approval. A twenty by twenty foot room was filled with double hammocks and cushions.

  "I may refer to the napping area as my office." Brick barely had time to finish his sentence before leaping head first through the next door. A small, plastic ball trickled in to the corridor as the other three peered around the doorframe. A pool bar sat sunken into the floor, although instead of water there were balls. Brick splashed around, backstroking towards the circular provider of cocktails at the centre. The remaining three left him to it and shuffled along.

  Spiritwind peered over a pair of saloon doors before turning to the henchmen. "If this is what I think it is, you two will be spending a lot of time in here." The bald nibbler stepped inside an old Western style bar, releasing a creak from the swing doors as he attempted to look menacingly at the empty pub within a pub. The henchmen followed. "Throw me at the mirror behind the bar." Spiritwind raised his arms in expectation. Bozo didn't know what to do. "Please. It isn't a test."

  Bozo shrugged and picked up the bald landlord, launching him at the wall. Spiritwind smashed in to the mirror. It returned the compliment by smashing all over him. He slid towards the floor, through a shelf of bottles, and giggled from where he landed. Leaping back over the wooden counter, he knocked Bozo straight through a table before Brick appeared behind his friend and crashed a c
hair over his head. "Collapsible bar-brawl room!" Spiritwind explained as he lifted Brick on to the bar and slid him across it, through various drinks.

  Schmuck understood and smashed a table over his recovering partner. Bozo threw his peer head first into the piano. Its self-playing tunes continued to pour out, the exposed hammers tapping out part of the melody on Schmuk's teeth.

  Several minutes of mayhem ensued before they all caught each other's eyes and reverted to vague professionalism. It didn't stop Brick smashing one last bottle over Spiritwind's munching face.

  Leaving the room, all damage instantly repaired itself. Nobody wished to question it in case it never happened again.

  "What's this?" Schmuk pointed to what looked like a confessional booth from a church. It sat aimlessly against the wall at the far end of the bar.

  "It's the single confessional." Brick stroked it in awe. "You get in the side applicable to your gender then push the light to say you're in; then your face appears on the screens around the pub. If anyone's been too shy to come over and start chatting they can pop in the other side of the booth. There's a bar in there too, in case you're waiting a while."

  Schmuk didn't know what to say, or even if there was anything remotely appropriate.

  "Introverts' Corner!" Spiritwind took a seat amongst the select number of armchairs that littered the area next to the booth, all pointing at different angles, facing away from each other. Introverts' Corner was a concept the duo had often discussed, usually after one had been waiting for the other to turn up to the pub. It was a place for those people who wished to sit and contemplate the world with a pint but without the social stigma of being in a pub alone. There were various books and papers scattered across functional, yet inherently ornate, tables.

  Rounding the corner they found themselves at the far end of the bar, having completed a full lap.

  "I thought Evil bases had to be filled with bugs and darkness, only partially lit by flickering flames." Bozo gave his opinion, and his confusion.

  "Nobody told us that." Brick sat down and drove off on one of the motorised stools. "I'm just going to check the garden."

  Spiritwind mirrored his friend's action. The henchmen shrugged and joined in the journey.

  Outside were acres of land, but Brick headed for a series of intentionally placed balloons. As the others arrived, Brick had dismounted and climbed atop what was now clearly a space hopper. "Space Hopper Polo anyone?"

  Before anyone could answer they were interrupted by the arrival of Nicole and Suzy.

  "We saw the advert in the paper for bar staff. Are you still hiring?" Nicole winked in a manner Brick would never forget.

  "Yes and yes. When can you start?" He discarded his hopper and walked towards them, ushering them inside. "Brilliant idea ladies; now we can work together in complete anonymity."

  "And we get paid, right?" Nicole knew her rights.

  "We all get paid, in the merits of another nail in the eyeball of Evil." Spiritwind shook his head at his friend's efforts at Hugo style wooing.

  "Nails and eyeballs are all very well, but we still want an agreed hourly rate." Nicole was prepared to go to a tribunal if needed.

  Spiritwind followed his friend and female peers inside, under the guise of paperwork. He wanted to ensure Brick didn't give the pub away in exchange for a snog before they'd even had a chance for a pint.

  Bozo and Schmuk, who were endlessly fascinated by the space hoppers, remained outside as another plan fell effortlessly in to place. No matter which way the morals pointed, the bumbling duo had the knack.

  Contents

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  "Gone?"

  "Gone"

  "Completely?" Dollop spun slowly inside Dip's office, allowing the carnage to find a place in his mind.

  "I can't find any trace of him." Spon settled in to the only chair that had come close to surviving the destruction. It had lost two legs and its back, and the seat area was somewhat loose. Spon sat at a slant and ignored the resulting lean.

  "Who would want to steal Dip?" Dollop poked the pile of debris at the centre of the stripped room.

  "Not a clue, but he was a henchman a long time; must have made some enemies."

  "It doesn't really work like that. Henchmen are seen as the executors for commands. Nobody really holds grudges against us. Could have been his nemesis?"

  "Nemesis?" Spon put out a stabilising foot. The chair was failing as a piece of furniture.

  "If you work in the game long enough you pick up a nemesis. There are only so many heroes and bad guys to go round. You get beaten once, you accept it as part of the job, but when the same grinning lump beats you a second time it starts to feel a little personal. By the fourth time you can quote their comebacks before they reel them off."

  "So, is Hugo your nemesis?" Spon had tried to discuss the more intricate workings of henchman-ship with Dip in the past, but he always grew angry and ended up eating the notes Spon had brought along to their meetings.

  "Maybe. Most of the ones I picked up retired falaars ago, or moved into security. He's one of the few heroes still active that I have any decent history with. I doubt I'm his though, and it has to be a two-way thing really. Probably doesn't even remember me, although after our last battle I'm done with feuds and nemeses.....sisses......so's? I see now we're only fighting ourselves." Dollop used the pile of carnage as a chair. It creaked, slipped a little then settled. The henchman thought back to the moment he broke Hugo's heart, before snapping out of the daze. "Did Dip ever mention a nemesis?"

  "He didn't like to talk about his past. I gave up trying after he ate my car while I was giving him a lift to the shop. Ever such a long walk home, not to mention the atmosphere."

  "Oh." Dollop sensed he should change the subject and moved back to the Chancellor's possible whereabouts. "I assume you checked the security system for any intruders?" The beastly lecturer wasn't over eager to find Dip but felt they should at least go through any protocol that may exist.

  "Of course." Spon hadn't. He'd been too excited about his own promotion. He stood and turned to the wall, the chair giving up completely and turning to a pile of sticks as he did. The interface panel still worked although the crack that now ran through it meant clarity was an issue. Tapping a few screens, a big thumbs-up appeared alongside a loving sigh. "Says everything's alright, has been all day, and probably will be forever?"

  "I guess it'll remain a mystery then." Dollop leant back further. Both men were happy with the new hierarchy.

  The pair stared silently, Spon out of the window, Dollop into a corner. The henchman considered the path he and Hugo had taken, their meetings at every stage of their career. Was he really his nemesis? The new Chancellor pondered on a decorative theme for his office.

  As the silence grew uncomfortable, Dollop spoke out. "So, what will you do now?"

  "Tidy up for a start. I was thinking about getting one of those old jukeboxes for the corner....."

  "I was thinking more about the future of the university, now it's under your control."

  "Oh that. I'll continue with the plan to take us into the slipstream of heroics, with Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload guiding us there. Only without Dip, I see no need to wipe them out. I'd like to keep them around. They have insights Evil has only had nightmares about."

  "You really think they're that good? Bad? Good?" Dollop covered all angles of adjectives. He'd seen enough false dawns to not take a picture of this one just yet.

  "You saw for yourself, back at my house, how easily success comes to them. All they need is tweaking on presentation, and if they can't, we'll use their lack of public appearances to add mystery to their legend. Use them purely as consultants."

  "It was impressive, but taking over a garden hardly makes you the new dawn of Evil. I could have secured your garden for you." Dollop's careful cynicism spoke out over his initial appreciation.

  "But you would have intimidated it out of him. And we both know you'd step on a rake
and knock yourself out, or slip down a hill at the crucial moment. It was the style they did it in, and the watertight nature; a contract of all things." Spon lost himself in admired wonder.

  "Could have been a fluke? I've been defeated by them enough times."

  "When do bad guys ever benefit from flukes, unless it makes their downfall all the harder? No, I've had a feeling about them from the moment they walked in."

  Dollop bit his lip. Feelings were never any justification for such faith, unless you were a hero relying on your intuition.

  "Anyway, I've assigned myself the assessment duties for Dag and Corsetry's final exam, meaning we have to go down to their planet and observe them until the mission is over. I also suspect Dip set his own plan in motion to ensure they never made it off the planet. Don't think he trusted me to see them cast away. We have to stop whatever he arranged."

  "We?" Dollop sat up, suspicious of the all inclusive nature of Spon's words.

  "Yes Dollop; me and you. I see the glint in your eye of unfinished business, and you're an amiable chap to stand alongside. How would you like to be the new Vice Chancellor?"

  "Really? I'm honoured obviously but I came here for a quiet life, time to work on my memoirs."

  "You didn't really think a beast of your lifestyle could just idle their way in to retirement, surely?"

  "I was hoping, but life never seems to turn out the way I hope."

  "That's because hope and reality are two separate worlds, each feeding the other but never sharing a romantic date. How about one final effort, one that you can shape to your own philosophy? Put all that experience and cynicism in to practice?" Spon tilted his head in a manner that suggested you couldn't turn him down.

  "It would be nice to avoid the pitfalls I so often had to knowingly walk in to, and to warn others of what they face." Dollop stroked his chin, he needed a shave.

  "So come with me, and bring your best thoughts rather than your hardest punch, although maybe pack your punch too. It's always nice to know it's there if needed."

  Dollop paused then allowed a smile of knowing to pass across his features. A half hearted salute accompanied his words. "You're the boss."