by Paul Vayro
"May as well." Brick summed up the answer.
"Knew you would; well, who wouldn't? Only a fool denies the truth, eh. Here we go." Mr Farango hovered above an icon labelled Thought Storms. An information box explained it could rain down an idea in the manner of a storm, the mountains and valleys would naturally flood themselves with the notion. It was the kind of narrative fit heroes would be lost without.
"No, no. Always best to test things, unless old Huffle Quickstep asks you to pull his finger. Don't test that. Claims all the frogs in the world pop. They don't." The Master of the Web turned back to the screen as a microphone rose from the desk and a target appeared on the window. The entire floor of the room turned ninety degrees, finding a cluster of ancient Egyptian knowledge atop a peak off yonder and forming a cloud above it. He returned his gaze to the duo. "So, we're agreed; if this works, I get to see the next level and you two get the world?"
Brick and Spiritwind nodded agreement in realisation they could be about to become the rulers of an entire planet. Brick picked up another bourbon in realisation that he never learns.
The old man nodded to the nod and began to speak into the microphone. "Pyramids. Hmmmm. To understand the pyramids you have to understand the people of the day. Giants they were, big fellows, women too; size of a house. A medium sized house, nothing spectacular. Of course you don't grow that big and strong on leaves, oh no; cakes, and lots of them. Loved the things, but out there in the desert with flies the size of helicopters you can't leave them lying around. Nooooooo. Once left a cake at the front door. Wife didn't like that, should have left her there instead. So, you see, how can you protect them? How, how, how indeed? Cake canopies! No, you see, that's what they are." Newton beamed with more pride than a cat opening its very own cream factory.
"What about the Sphinx?" Brick couldn't help himself.
"Biscuit tin. Just unscrew the head and all the digestives in the world are yours, big ones too."
"Well I never." Brick preferred it to any other explanation he'd been given and instantly adopted it as truth.
Newton held his finger above a button, checked the screen for final instructions, and made contact. A stream of rain began to fall from the clouds that had gathered at the old man's behest.
"Now all we need to do is monitor the impact, what." Newton wiggled the mouse further. The screen split into two at his will, one side displaying a heading reading pyramid/cake canopies. The other scanned the internet for any mention of the two together. Within moments of the rain falling, the monitor began highlighting page after page, pulling up the relevant extracts. The flurry quickly grew into a tirade before it was nothing more than an unreadable stream of light.
Newton sat back. "Now, about this mouse."
Contents
Chapter Thirty Five
"How?"
"Baby bomb." Brick released the vague answer to Newton's mouse dilemma.
"Bomb, in a baby? What does that have to do with a mouse eating a house?"
"No. That small mouse symbol in the corner is how many baby bombs you've got. You'd built up loads. Pushing the top button on your joystick releases ten smaller mice. All you have to do is drop a bomb at each corner of the building and set them off. Leaves mummy mouse all the time she needs to chew through the central pillar." Brick smiled the smile of perfect sense.
"Ah. I thought that meant I could shrink. Didn't know why I'd want to shrink. Mice are tiny enough as it is." Newton stared at the screen, smiles and shakes of the head flitting across his features. Once enough time had passed to suspect he may have fallen asleep, Spiritwind spoke.
"So, is it still okay if we take over the planet?"
"Why of course, dear boy. A deal's a deal; won't find me reneging on a spit in the eye; not like Old Quickstep. Once sold me a Teasmaid that couldn't tell the time. Used to wake me up with a brew at three in the morning. Claimed he'd never seen it before in his life. Not sure what he made of it when he opened my present to him that xmas. Put a nice big bow on it too. Pahaaaa." Brick and Spiritwind sensed there was tension between the friends.
Newton spoke as he brought up the Thought Storm once more. The room span slowly as he selected the entire landscape as the target for the next message. Once set, the Master of the Web turned to Spiritwind.
"Probably best if you two just tell it what it needs to know. Only lose something as we pass the words between us. Don't want to end up giving the world to someone else because of a misplaced comma. Pahaaaa." Newton stood and offered his chair to Spiritwind. Another one appeared and moved across the room at the old man's whim, for Brick. Mr Farango retired to the sofa, still shaking his head at the simplicity of the mouse problem.
The pair made themselves comfortable as the truth of where they sat tapped them on the shoulder. Spiritwind turned to his friend.
"You do realise we have the entire internet dangling on the end of our imagination? We could tell it anything." Spiritwind's mischievous eye glinted.
"Indeed. Humanity is at our mercy." Brick, intermingled his fingers and bared his teeth as the clouds darkened across the landscape. He added a cackle while allowing his head to tilt backwards.
"Are you okay? Do you want a throat sweet?"
"You had to ruin me moment. I'll bet we would have got a distinction in dramatic delivery for that little scene." Brick relaxed his face and hands and moved nearer the microphone.
"Who needs such rewards as grades when we're about to claim all that is." Spiritwind held a stern face and pointed it towards the future. Brick looked on in judgement.
"Mine was better."
"Depends if you enjoy the subtlety of Evil over needless dramatics."
"There was a whole module on needless dramatics."
"You're still stuck in old Evil. Don't forget, we have a new way to mould........"
The internet cringed and awaited its future.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Six
"Don't forget to emphasise the 'adorable' tag that goes with Dag Nammit?" Brick saw an opportunity to enhance his love life at the same time.
"Are you even sure you are Dag Nammit? I thought you were Corsetry Overload." Spiritwind threw mischief in to the discussion.
Brick's thoughts dashed around his mind, double checking all the memories concerning his pseudonym. "I am Dag Nammit, dagnammit." The cheeky wink did nothing to enhance the pun.
Newton had been dozing for the last hour as Brick and Spiritwind narrated the tale of all the world's leaders coming together to discuss how they were clearly getting everything wrong and needed to bow down to somebody who could cut through all the political ambition, backbiting, and blabber; and see a truth without ego, where the good of the masses came before individual gain.
They had created a new, worldwide law that declared anybody who actively wanted to rule should not be allowed within a faint whiff of the position. What they needed was somebody who had all the ideas you could ever dream of needing, but had no inclination whatsoever to take the practical responsibility of running things. After extensive searching they'd found not one person that fit the criteria perfectly, but two; and Dag and Corsetry, and their whimsical philosophy on life, were fast-tracked through the political system and installed as Leaders of the World within weeks of being found. Their simplistic take on reality sat at the core of their beauty, a beauty it was hoped could be spread across the philosophy of all.
As the Thought Storm continued to fall, and their ideology toured the electronic globe, various leaders spoke out in denial such a thing had ever occurred. All were countered by the pair at the computer with fabricated clips of the very same leaders praising the duo in secret meetings. Brick and Spiritwind littered every mountain top with so much propaganda that it became too much for anyone to rationally deny, and as the people of the world began supporting their views, the old leaders had no choice but to clamour to praise them and claim they'd been lifelong friends.
Spiritwind chuckled as reaction to Brick's 'adorable' ta
g circled the social networks.
'OMG, Corsetry sounds adorable'. 'I know; far more humble than that Dag one'. 'Adorable Dag; more like deplorable Dag LOL'.........
"Has it worked?" Newton stirred, fearful that the noises interrupting his sleep were the return of his wife from wherever she'd gone.
"Not entirely." Brick focused on his personal ridicule.
"Better than expected." Spiritwind spoke smugly, negating Brick's interpretation of events. "I think we just have to let time and the social inter connectedness of the planet do the rest." Spiritwind turned away from the desk and stood, pondering on the feast he could prepare as they awaited success. It involved the juice of many lemons combining with much meat.
Brick folded his arms and looked perplexed, following his friend's path across the room. Newton stood, partly out of politeness, and partly in case his wife came in and saw his feet on the sofa. She was funny about that kind of thing.
"You look like my wife when I tell her I haven't emptied the bins. If she doesn't want to be disappointed she shouldn't ask, I say." Newton interpreted Brick's stance.
"I'm used to disappointment these days, Newton. Heroics have let me see the truth behind the empty promises of glamour. The false glare that bounces from the shiny veneer of existence no longer blinds these wizened eyes." Brick turned as though he'd done something genuinely impressive, but was taking it in his stride.
"Will a pint help?" Spiritwind tried to console his friend, and initiate a polite exit.
"I'm yet to meet an unhelpful pint." Brick's mood instantly lightened. "And I happen to know the perfect place to get one. Care for a drink, Newton?"
"I have plenty here, plus, inevitability states that the moment I leave this place unattended will be the moment I'm needed. And the wife will be back soon. She can go out all day but if I'm not here when she returns, well, it won't be worth the weeks of explaining and strops I'll have to face."
"Well, if you change your mind you're more than welcome."
"Erm, Newton, how do we actually get out of the internet?" Spiritwind realised he had no genuine idea how they'd ever got in."
"Ah, now, you'll like this, maybe." Newton beckoned the pair to the door and opened it. The acetates were within touching distance below them, the wires still attacking the very air. Brick and Spiritwind returned their shoes to their feet as Newton explained. "See, blasted things, never stop rising. To leave you must hold on to one of the pages and wait for it to be chosen by a wire. When it lifts, hold as tight as can be. As it slams against the viewing dome, you'll be propelled back to your land, I think, pahaaaa."
"You think? What do you think might happen if that doesn't?" Brick wanted to be able to brace himself at least.
"You'll get squashed against the glass and fall back to the valleys. Maybe I should film it. People love watching a good fall." Newton looked around for his camera.
Brick and Spiritwind had already jumped in to the pile and began searching for celebrity gossip and animals dressed as things other than themselves. Both finding a page they felt confident of being read soon, they gripped tightly and made their goodbyes.
"Mr Farango, it's been a pleasure." Brick saluted, unsure of the etiquette when addressing a Master. He barely had time to smile before being whipped away. Spiritwind and Newton watched as he hurtled upwards, avoiding impact through disappearance.
"I guess you were right with your first guess. Thanks for all your help." Spiritwind finished his sentence just in time to be yanked away himself. Newton watched on with a wave, and a slight concern that maybe he was still asleep on the sofa. He went inside to check.
**********
"That was a fun afternoon. Did not expect to end up actually in the internet, although I didn't expect not to; there's a lesson in there somewhere." Brick slid from the shelf, accompanied by a cascade of soft furnishings, and awaited his friend's similar landing.
"Speaking of things you wouldn't expect, how does a double quilt fit into such a small bag?" Spiritwind commented on the goods he had landed alongside.
"I think it's your turn to put your life in danger." Brick ignored the question and handed his friend the bulb while pointing at the empty socket.
"Okay, will do." Spiritwind put away his 'Home Again' candy floss and focused on the music that littered the store. An 80's rock ballad was reaching its crescendo as he stared up towards his destiny.
"Why are we in the corridor? I wanted to watch you fall from the ceiling." Brick looked around, wondering what had happened.
"When do you ever see heroes tidying up loose ends? A scene change and presumption it went without a hitch was all that was required. Come on." Brick's face refused to accept the discussion was over. It turned, annoyed at life and its new hero ways.
"I thought we agreed I wouldn't see you two doing nothing." The duo had forgot to use the shop floor to circumvent Mr Harump's desk, and stumbled past his line of vision. He was not impressed.
"Everything's done." Brick's recalled there was rarely anything for them to actually to do at Buy More's, or maybe that was just his perspective on the job.
"And what has that got to do with anything?" Mr Harump relied on employment law, and the social acceptance of performing futile exercises in order to justify being paid.
"Mr Harumph,..." Spiritwind stepped forward with his most professional voice. "....we are merely treating you with honesty and respect. We could quite easily spend the day walking around with empty boxes, looking at shelves in a ponderous manner and wheeling stock back and forth to nowhere in particular, all to convince you that we are working, but we don't want to treat you like the idiot you're clearly not; and it seems obvious you'd rather we weren't here. So we thought we may as well go and do nothing at home rather than getting under your feet and annoying you by doing nothing here." Spiritwind offered half a poppadum in persuasion.
"I guess you do have a point. And I'm definitely not an idiot. I was the fourth child in my year to obtain a swimming width certificate." Mr Harump's mind was desperately trying to find the logical flaw in the proposal. "I just........don't think......not sure......"
"How about we nip home and you give us a ring if you find anything we forgot to do? Well done on the certificate by the way." Spiritwind ushered Mr Harump back to his chair, wittering as he sat. The bald employee shook Mr Harump's hand and walked away.
The stock manager continued flitting arguments across his face, each pulled back into this mouth before it could be uttered.
After thirty seconds sitting still he snapped out of his trance of enforced logic, realising he'd been thoroughly had. He threw the poppadum in the bin and retrieved his framed width certificate from his desk draw. It always helped in moments of life doubt.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Seven
Brick and Spiritwind entered the pub to find Bozo and Schmuk sat on stools at either side of the door. The goliaths glanced up in recognition.
"Afternoon, bosses." Bozo spoke for the pair. Each had a henchman sized cocktail in their hands.
"Is it afternoon already?" Brick checked his wrist. It didn't know what he wanted. His calculator watch was on the other limb.
"How's business?" Spiritwind looked around the pub. Nicole and Suzy were behind the bar, Nicole chatting to Other Brick, Suzy at the serving hatch that opened into the kitchen, whispering towards Other Spiritwind. Spon and Bum were asleep in their respective seats at opposite ends of the establishment while sounds of hearty laughter and proud tales oozed from the pool bar.
"Couple of ducks tried to come in, had no I.D. though." Bozo continued to chew the leg of something well cooked and hefty.
"Good work." Brick gave a thumbs-up and wandered over to the pool bar entrance, Spiritwind in accompaniment.
Hugo was in position, shaking a cocktail into existence. Stood next to him was Dollop, throwing cherries and various bottles in his direction. Both remained disguised and oblivious to the reality of who each man was. Yakkety and Jiggery sat on a
submerged seat each, willing guinea pigs for whatever was placed in front of them.
"The pub truly is the bridge of all differences." Brick's sentiment could have hung in the air in delicate, poetic truth for eternity, had he not stepped on a rogue ball and slipped head first into the pool of plastic spheres.
The occupants turned, vague battle stances adopted, to see a pair of feet poking upwards. They were quickly retracted and replaced with the head of Brick. "It's okay. No damage. Carry on." Brick climbed back out, popping a ball from beneath his t-shirt as he did. The heroic pair apologised with their faces and wandered round to the main vault.
"How are things?" The bald landlord took up a stool at the bar and enquired. Brick took the podium next to him, still checking the bottom of his shoe as an excuse for slipping.
"Delightful." Nicole spoke dreamily.
"Stupendous." Suzy uttered without the faintest hint of a twitch.
"Odder and odder." Other Brick still wasn't sure this was reality.
"Bacon butty?" Other Spiritwind had only one reply from the portal into the kitchen. "Hope you don't mind me using the facilities, got a bit peckish."
"You look like a man who knows how to handle such a work of art." Spiritwind leant around the taps and poured a drink. He poured one for Brick too.
The sound of gentle conversation and mutterings of adoration stirred Spon and Bum from their slumbers. After mopping up their dribble, and taking a few moments to work out where they were, they felt ready to engage with the world once more.
Bum chose to continue drinking the drink he'd passed out mid consumption of. Spon straightened his suit and approached the bar.
"So, how is your mission progressing?" He felt like he should begin acting more like the position of authority he represented rather than that of a drunkard. "I have a form to fill in, if I can find it." The Chancellor patted his chest in the hope the assessment sheet would show itself. Bum stayed in his seat, trying to earwig whilst maintaining disinterest. He was a poor actor.