by Paul Vayro
"It's all done, we think. Shall we have a look?" Spiritwind leant across the bar to grab the remote control for the televisions. Spon wasn't quite sure what to say. They'd only been gone for a few hours. Instead of questioning things he followed Spiritwind's arm as it aimed at the screen above Bum's head, and turned it on. Finding the nearest news channel, there was only one story.
Bum moved to the seat opposite where he'd awoken, in order to see the television fully. ".......of course the big question is, just who are the mysterious Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload, the new, world leaders......?" Bum fell off his stool. "....so far we have heard little from the enigmatic pair other than vague snippets of messages." The reporter stood outside an officious looking building alongside numerous other media types, turning back and forth and juggling paper.
"Are these messages from the two men directly?" A voice from the studio asked without any tone of knowledge.
"No. Nobody has seen the pair. They have been communicating via the internet. Hold on, we're just hearing that Dag's ego makes him definitively less likeable than Corsetry; according to eighty three percent of that group of people over there." Spiritwind didn't need to display any smugness; it was assumed.
"What are these messages they've sent?" The voice continued to probe, the reporter shuffled through her papers.
"The fundamental message seems to be, 'It's not about you'." The reporter shrugged.
"What does that mean?"
"Well, there are many theories developing as we speak......"
"Are they serious? How many ways can you interpret that?" Spiritwind thought they'd kept their message to the globe as clear as possible.
The reporter continued. ".....some say it's about the egotistical nature of society and that we should all realise being mean just makes life harder for us all, so why not all help each other along? It's tough enough as it is."
"That's a nice message, Denise. What do others say?"
"They say they're clearly communists out to destroy the world."
"A fair counter-point." The voice sounded like he'd turned in his chair. "What else do these new rulers have to tell the world?"
"They say everyone needs to stop being an idiot. If you are being, and every idiot knows they are one, then refer to the point about it not being about you. Get over yourself and help the world tick along rather than causing it problems. Erm, being mean is pointless. Sort out your own unhappiness rather than spreading it, lots of things in that vein, Tom."
"Well thank you, Denise. We'll let you catch up on this fascinating story and return later. Next we talk to Fry Everything, who have launched the New World Order range at all three thousand of their stores, including the Mean Burger with free 'It's Not About You' fries. And we have a fashion expert telling us how dapper our new leaders are, once we've sourced an image, otherwise we'll just speculate wildly. And later on, how many more of the world's monuments are actually kitchen paraphernalia for an extinct race of giants, now we know the truth behind the pyramids....."
"Not quite what we intended." Spiritwind shrugged in a knowing manner.
"But we are installed as leaders of the world; has to be worth a pass." Brick mined for the accolades.
"Of course, marvellous stuff, genuinely, marvellous." The news acted as a tonic for Spon's weary body. "Nobody ever achieves the actual goal of the mission, never mind does it with a hangover between the day's meals." Spon took a seat in mild shock, raising his hand to suggest he needed a minute before continuing. Nobody could be sure if it was an emotional reaction to his plan falling together nicely or a hung-over attempt not to throw up everywhere. Brick began a game of football with Spiritwind on the bar, while Spon decided: a peanut the ball, their fingers the players. Eventually, Spon was ready to continue as Brick disputed whether his friend's shot had crossed the line.
"This means we are ready for stage two of our plan. To thrust you in to the universal spotlight with just a first class degree will achieve little more than surprise and the label swot, the very antithesis of Evil. We need something bigger. We need a showdown the might of which will be whispered in doorways and shouted from large media outlets across all that is." The glint in Spon's eyes suggested he was going to reveal nothing more than dramatic hints. "Can you meet us tomorrow night on the hill on the edge of town? Say, at sunset? Always makes for better shots at sunset; symbolic too: the end of the light."
"Now the world is ours I think our schedule's clear." Spiritwind answered as Brick topped up the drinks. Nicole, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had long since retired to their booth. They considered the bar manned.
"Excellent. Myself and Dollop will have everything ready for when you arrive." Spon clapped giddily, stood up in slow, considered stages then headed to the Pool Bar to fetch his new Vice Chancellor. He re-emerged seconds later, Dollop behind him, stumbling slightly and offering a manly wave to his new friends.
Bum had clambered back on his stool, all his attention transfixed by the television, gobsmacked at what he was watching.
Brick eyed up the bottles of spirits before a thought bounced into his mind. "A showdown tends to imply a duel of some sort, doesn't it?"
"Usually. Has a history to it too, or a sense of greater meaning than just a couple of people throwing hand bombs at each other's faces."
"Not sure I like the sound of that." Brick started inventing cocktails in his head.
"Better get used to it. If we're going to be the new rulers of Evil, I expect this won't be our last showdown."
"I thought we were still waiting to decide about taking the job of Evil figureheads?" Brick wandered behind the bar. He had a few ideas to test.
"I think we planned to discuss it." Spiritwind offered a glass as a happy recipient of whatever Brick's mind had concocted.
"What do you think we would have decided if we had discussed it?" Brick grabbed the bottles he'd been contemplating and poured. They created something the colour of which should never be drunk. He looked for anything red they may have, putting down the ketchup after spotting an old liqueur.
"I think we would have realised it was a huge conflict of interest to be working at the pinnacle of both Good and Evil, and that Evil requires actually going out and starting something. Good just has to react when bad things occur."
"I may have had to point out that we could get actual rewards from Evil though, and that Evil women are notoriously hot." Brick made two seamless points.
"They are hot, but they also have a tendency to sneak a mind control bug in your ear while sharing a cheeky snog."
"But hot nonetheless. And they definitely snog you, no matter the intention behind it."
"Undisputedly hot."
"Bearing this in mind, I may have asked if we could we play both sides? Nobody knows we're heroes anyway." Brick twirled his cocktail in an effort to mix the red congealment. It remained stubbornly atop the brownish sludge.
"I would have reminded you that we can't even play one side, and that heroes are somewhat relentless in their pursuit of the naughty. They would come after us, and we can't even hide from the window cleaner we never asked to clean our windows."
"I'm still thinking of the women. And I told you to stop paying him."
"I never have paid him. Always get rid of him with a pot of me burger sauce. He loves the stuff." Spiritwind stepped off his stool, wondering if the pub held all the required ingredients for his aforementioned sauce. "I think it may be best if we let Spon pass on our message in our absence. Let our image and philosophy act as the figurehead in our honour."
"I'm not sure dying is ever the better option." Brick used his finger to poke the red liquid towards the bottom of the glass. The effort at blending allowed Spiritwind time to make it to the kitchen and pop his head through the serving hatch.
"Who said anything about dying? We know there's already a plan in place to eradicate us, and we've a pretty good idea who's behind it." Spiritwind subtly signalled towards Bum, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.
Brick looked over at the angry overlord student who had his head in his hands and was murmuring towards his pint, shaking his face in building fury. Brick didn't want to look at his doppleganger. He knew he was covered in the limbs of the woman he desired.
"If we can work out exactly what the plan is we should be able to sabotage it to look like it's worked, but actually get away entirely free." Spiritwind tied his apron in nonchalance at the potential complexity of his suggestion.
"Does this mean we need another planning session?" Brick found his finger had stuck in the sludge.
"A chat should suffice, which is why I'm rustling up a few casual discussion burgers."
"Okay. Are there any pliers in there?" Brick had his own finger retrieval mission to achieve first, although common sense would have prevented it ever being needed.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Eight
Other Brick stumbled out of the toilet, still trying to work out what Brick had put in the latest cocktail. It was either pomegranate or wood glue. Turning the corner he was met by Bum-Raa, arms folded in a manner more befitting an angry mum than a potential tyrant of the universe.
"Aren't you supposed to be stopping this kind of thing from going on?" Bum pointed at the rolling news.
"Huh." Other Brick was pleased he even had that length of response, and that his lips still parted. The evidence grew for pomegranate over actual glue.
"At which point is this counter plan of yours going to kick in? As far as I can see you've already failed." Bum tried pacing to release some of the frustration. The short stroll triggered a thought. "Unless you're waiting to take them down under maximum exposure; let them be celebrated before being demolished live around the world?"
"Erm....." Other Brick used his best 'couldn't agree more' face, combined with his inquisitive 'have I done me flies up' expression.
"Brilliant. I don't know why I ever doubted you, true professionals." The pat on the shoulder jarred Other Brick into deciding it was definitely pomegranate. "You know where would be a good place for a showdown? That hill we've parked on, just on the edge of town, tomorrow night about sunset; terrible fighting light but very cinematic, appearance above practicality, as always."
Other Brick raised his eyebrows. They needed a stretch. Bum interpreted it as a signal he was on to something as the booth of heroes at the other end of the room began paying attention.
Bum leant closer. "I understand. You can't talk. I'll be there should you need my assistance." Bum tapped his nose. He didn't know why society had settled on such a gesture to symbolise understanding, but as it worked he didn't question it. Spotting the room's curiosity, Bum spoke loud enough for them to hear his next sentence. "No, stranger that I have no idea about, I couldn't possibly hang around to watch the sporting battle that's on, me and my jogging friends have somewhere to be. Somewhere far from here that's entirely unrelated to your path in life. Thanks anyway." Bum scuttled towards the pool bar to collect Yakkety and Jiggery before leaving, giving one last wink on the way; again without knowing the justification for such a gesture.
Other Brick returned to the booth, blank faced and without the small amount of clue he previously had.
"It's okay. We think we know what's going on." Brick attempted to ease the confusion. A difficult task as his motorised stool continued to gently spin him around.
"Is it jammed? Is that the problem?" Other Spiritwind offered an answer to the potential stool problem, ignorant of Other Brick and Bum's discussion.
"Oh, the stool, no idea what's going on with this; I meant more about this." The wave of hands signalled the pub and everything beyond it. It alerted his balance to the fact that that was too much movement for it to handle and he shouldn't do it again.
"Would it be okay to tell me because I'm developing a phobia about going to the toilet?" Nicole offered Other Brick a stroke of his arm in comfort.
"We can do better than that. We've got a plan to counter the counter plan." Spiritwind tucked into a bowl of sherbet, trying not to cough up the first mouthful as it tickled his throat.
"Now you're being weird and confusing. There's a plan?" Other Brick just wanted to climb under the table where it felt safe.
Brick turned to Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. "We just need to check a few things first?" Brick crossed his legs in an effort to appear officious. The spinning stole the meagre authority he'd begun with. "Do your neighbours train endlessly, leaping around self made obstacles and performing gymnastics where a simple step would suffice?"
"Like a pair of men who'd never seen a sofa." Other Spiritwind's tone suggested the disbelief they held for the pair.
Brick and Spiritwind shared a smug glance. A no would have brought their entire theory crashing down. "And have you met the bloke that just left at any point before being in this pub? Did he perhaps offer a series of instructions as though you should understand perfectly?" Brick closed half an eye in hope they were on the right track. His faith in hero intuition still wasn't complete.
"He did more than that. He gave us a necklace and this." Other Spiritwind pulled out the dossier. Other Brick remembered receiving the necklace and pulled the object from beneath his t-shirt.
"That's our mission file from university." Spiritwind pulled the manual to himself. He hadn't properly read it. He wondered if they were on schedule.
"You wrote it?" Other Spiritwind spoke without judgement.
"Apparently, sort of; we were in the middle of a montage. You know how it is." Brick's attempt at clarity achieved the opposite.
"We thought it was a rubbish book. Interesting concept but the narrative was all over the place. When we saw this pub mentioned we thought it may be an elaborate advert. Figured checking it out couldn't do any harm. Forgot why we were here after the first seven pints." Other Spiritwind continued with fact over invention.
Nicole had been staring at the necklace and finally had something to say. "That's a dimensionator."
"You know we're all going to need more information than the word dimensionator? Well, me and him are at least." Brick pointed between he and his reading, friend.
"It's as simple as it sounds. It fires a beam that can send anyone it hits to any dimension you program it to." Nicole took it from Brick's neck, carefully. "Supposedly only two exist in the universe, although one was rumoured to have been sent to a dimension inhabited only by fluff, by the other." She focused on a screen on the side, touching it to enlarge it. "Says it's programmed for a dimension where fun is outlawed and any attempt at humour is punished with a thousand slaps and a custard pie in the face. Relaxation is banished and only a hundred percent effort, no matter what shortcuts lead to the task being achieved more easily, is tolerated. It's set for eternity, no way back."
"Is that where you're meant to send us?" Brick looked over his shoulder, across the table. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind could only presume yes. "Well that's just mean. Why couldn't they send us to a dimension of ale and bar snacks? As long as we're out of the way what does it matter to them?" Brick rebuked the empty pub as his stool pointed away from the group.
"Hold on. This could be a good thing." Spiritwind spoke with an air of plan about his tone.
"Is this in the same way that slide you built was a good thing?"
"That was good, maybe not for you but definitively good." Spiritwind turned back to the plan. "It means we can let Other Brick and Other Spiritwind fire us into oblivion, Bum will get the blame, Spon will still have his two figureheads, and we'll be free to carry on living our lives."
"But I thought you wanted to infiltrate and control Evil?" Nicole spotted a chink in the hero's armour.
"We do, and we will, if you just give me a minute to finish." Spiritwind grew ominously aware of Suzy's clenched fist. The concern powered his improvisation. "We'll be free to carry on our lives without suspicion or interest, until Evil has built a large enough myth around us to make our dramatic return the biggest news since lycra came with built in deodorant. We'll assume contro
l of the whole operation in one triumphant swoop." Spiritwind was extremely happy with his verbal rescue, and the lack of punch from Suzy.
"It's thinking like that that shows the gulf between us. I thought you were just shirking responsibility." Nicole noted the attitude and promised to learn from it. Brick and Spiritwind froze their expressions in order not to incriminate themselves.
"But how will we do that when we're trapped in a rubbish dimension forever?" Brick spoke with minimal facial movement, still trying not to admit to their true work ethic.
"We won't be. We'll just re-program the dimension jobby for somewhere nicer for a few days. Let everyone get on with thinking we've disappeared, then come back." Spiritwind addressed the obvious problem with his very next sentence. "You know how to re-program something like that, don't you Nicole? Nicole?" She was busy daydreaming about her and Other Brick's future. It involved a giant swing and a curtain they could hide behind.
"Sorry, what? Erm, no. We're only grade three. Reprogramming complex, electronic devices is strictly a grade five skill."
"Really?" Brick reached underneath the arcade game table they were sat at and pulled. A series of wires and a microchip came out in his hand. A quick tweak, fiddle, and blob of chewing gum later, he returned it to its casing. The screen flashed 'Birck is the Winner, of everything ever'.
"Care to have a go at that, Birck?" Spiritwind passed the device to Brick, along with a dig.
"Why not." Brick turned the object over in his hands, tapped the screen a few times, pulled a lever at the back, tapped the screen again, twisted it round, pushed the lever back into place and returned the screen to its initial position, all with the expression of a man without any idea what his hands were doing. "Done, I think."
Spiritwind read the screen. "Oh, lovely." Spiritwind twirled the necklace in his hands before giving it back to Other Brick. Brick wondered where the congratulations were for his feat of technological genius. "So, you carry on with your plan."