by Paul Vayro
"Plan?"
"Oh yeh, I forgot. It's us we're talking to. Okay, whatever happens on the hill tomorrow night wait until it's finished and Spon seems happy with how everything's gone; then do a roll or something and shoot us with the necklace. We'll meet you back on Noel Hill three days later." Spiritwind suddenly felt like the motivated one in the room. It made him dizzy, which put him in a similar mindset to his slowly turning friend.
"It's an honour to watch you work." Nicole was in awe of the planning session, although it only made her want Other Brick more and more.
"She thinks I'm a genius." Brick whispered to Spiritwind.
"You think hankies on a sock are genius." Spiritwind had a rebuttal prepared.
"They are genius. And they're not hankies, they're sock cloths."
"Which are essentially cut down hankies sewn on to socks."
"Ladies, do sock cloths sound like a ridiculous idea to you....."
Nicole and Suzy couldn't care less. They only had eyes for one pair of Earthlings, and they were clean shaven.
Contents
Chapter Thirty Nine
Brick rolled over in his sleep, straight on to six separate points of agony. Holding in any physical reaction to the pain, he opened one eye to see a coloured ball rolling away from him, only for it to strike a green wall and head back towards his nose. Lifting his head, beer mat attached to cheek, he surveyed the pool table that had been his bed.
"Howdo. Pancakes?" Spiritwind strolled past with a plate of his said offering.
"Maybe in a minute." The confused hero turned in several directions, increasingly slowly as his head reminded him of all the alcohol it was still trying to process. Only Hugo remained in the vault, the hero flat on his back across three motorised stools that repeatedly bumped into the wall; every third strike triggering murmurs of honour from the unconscious warrior.
Brick trickled from the table, removing the beer mat from his face as he wandered over to his friend, who was already seated and beginning breakfast. "Where's everyone else?"
Spiritwind swallowed a mouthful before answering. "Hugo's over there trying to out-stubborn the wall, Bozo and Schmuk passed out in the Western Bar, and everyone else disappeared to their rooms."
"Oh. Why did I sleep there when I have a perfectly good bed upstairs?"
"You'll have to ask yourself, which you can actually do." Spiritwind pointed to Other Brick, Other Spiritwind, Nicole and Suzy emerging from the staircase. The two Earthlings looked sheepish and somewhat stunned. The two feasts of lady-hood were overly touchy feely, and a tad mesmerised by the two misfits.
Brick missed the obvious body language as they approached, his mind still wondering why he dozed where he had. The fact only one of his eyes would open, and that was halfway, didn't help.
Spiritwind continued watching a debate on the news between The Dag and Corsetry Are Alright League, and the Where Did These Guys Come From And Why Is Everyone Going Along With It Collective?
"Howdo."
"Morning."
"Is it?"
"What's for breakfast?" The greetings were mere social administration.
"Coming up." Spiritwind finished a slither of pancake and stood, preparing to return to the kitchen.
"Why would you, I, sleep on the pool table when there's a perfectly good bed upstairs?" Brick aimed his words at Other Brick as the foursome took their places in the booth, snugly.
"I didn't. Yes. What?" Other Brick panicked.
"Why did I.....why are you panicking? Hold on." Brick's realisation eye twitched. "You lot have actually gone and started a thing haven't you?" Other Brick and Other Spiritwind offered a sincere apology with a shuffle of their lips. "That's very depressing. I thought I had at least one more night to step in and counter woo one of you."
"You wanted to woo us?" Nicole turned from Other Brick's cheek.
"Of course we did. You're hotter than the sun in an oven, and you can drink pints really fast."
"But you're two of the greatest heroes alive, throbbing with professionalism beyond our grasp, on a mission to bring down Evil forever. Why would you want to lower yourselves to us?"
"I think I'm struggling to distinguish between desire and reality again." Spiritwind returned with a tray of breads and meats. "Could you repeat what you said to me, to him?" Brick asked Nicole to repeat herself to his bald friend.
"Brick said you may have wanted to woo us, so I asked why you would want to slum it with us being that you're two of the greatest heroes alive, throbbing with professionalism beyond our grasp, on a mission to bring down Evil forever."
Brick looked at his friend for help. "Are we still asleep? This could all be a dream sequence." Brick hit his head on the table in the hope he'd wake up. It just hurt, a lot.
"I, erm......might need some sauces." Spiritwind didn't know how to react to a woman that genuinely thought he was great. He'd been happy thinking they didn't stand a chance with such beauty. Retreat appeared to be his best option, until Nicole spoke further.
"It's too late now anyway, although it's a mighty shame." Brick looked up from his slammed forehead to catch an expression that would sizzle itself on to his very soul. "Other Brick and Other Spiritwind are our love interest for the mission. Can't have more than one a mission as a hero, not unless you're grieving over a lost love and the new love is understanding and pure enough to bring your heart out of retirement."
"Or if you're duped into loving the bad guy until his veil slips and his true identity and intentions are revealed." Suzy added options, with an unjustified tone of rebuke.
"Of course, but to just plain dump somebody because you want someone else; it's downright un-heroic." Nicole nibbled a pancake in honour.
Brick commented as Spiritwind set off back to the kitchen, pleased he knew where he stood once more. "There it is. That's more like the unfortunate truth that is the reality of our lives as heroes." Brick rubbed his head and swallowed the news along with a chunk of bread.
"Plus, I'm not sure about the beards. I like my men clean shaven." Suzy wiggled Other Spiritwind's cheek. He tried to smile but was still stuck in disbelief. "Once went out with an actual beard; went bald over time. There was nothing underneath it. Just woke up to a clump of hair and no boyfriend anymore." Suzy wheeled out an anecdote from nowhere in particular. It made her furious.
"Is that metaphorical?" Brick had to make sure.
"I wish it was; took me six dentals to get over him. Spent three of them thinking it was an elaborate hoax and he'd run off. I spanned three galaxies tracking him down, and when that failed I went after his family. Kicked the door down at his parent's house, a moustache and a bob, lovely couple; they told me baldness ran in the family, terrible wasting disease for his kin. I apologised for the damage, punched the door back on to its hinges, had a cup of borgle, and went on my way." Other Spiritwind wondered if it was too late to swap partners as Brick made an effort to rebuke the returning Spiritwind.
"You said women love beards, said they'd be queuing up for a peck on the cheek."
"I thought you said that. I said it'd save money on razors." Spiritwind was relaxed once more.
"Yes, but you went along with it." Brick was convinced he was right.
"I did. To deny it with words that must pass through the very beard that proves me wrong would make me an idiot." Spiritwind built a multi-meat concoction and tottered back towards the kitchen.
"Unbelievable." Brick hadn't found the same joy in the news.
"Many join you in your doubt, but I stand before you as prime evidence that such greatness can exist. Prime as in the hunk of steak you may get for tea, not the number. Although I'm as awesome as those too, just in case any maths chicks are listening." Hugo stood proudly; hand on Brick's shoulder, assuming the unbelievable comment referred to him.
"Did you know they had a thing going on?" Brick interrupted Hugo's grin.
"Who?" The grin remained.
"Them four." Brick wafted towards the offending lovers.
Hugo sat down with a disappointed thud. "What all four of them, together?" Hugo checked his pocket for an invite he may have missed.
"No. Me and Other Brick, and Suzy and Other Spiritwind." Nicole added details.
"I did not know that." The supreme hero picked up a handful of sausages and chewed methodically and disappointedly.
"Besotted, apparently, and it could have been us if we'd asked earlier."
"And maybe had a shave." Suzy felt the comment necessary, the shake of the fist came out of habit. Brick folded his arms. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind continued to apologise with every inch of their bodies.
"Makes you wonder what the point is in having a body that inspires mountains to weep." Hugo poked at the bacon.
"Indeed." Brick came dangerously close to agreeing with Hugo while tensing his own nipple.
"Who's for eggs?" Spiritwind added a plate of fried eggs to the gathering.
The general murmurs of agreement and egg compliments gave way to several minutes eating. All pondered on the new social dynamic, except Spiritwind who couldn't decide if he'd added too much pepper to the bacon. By the time they finished, Hugo had a new focus, and vent.
"You know what I do when I get frustrated at things not going exactly my way, which is almost never?" The sausages had fuelled Hugo's ire.
"Get over it and move on?" Brick offered an answer, question, and advice in one sentence.
"Not at all my favourite pal." Hugo slapped Brick's back, leaving a signed picture where his hand had struck. "No, I find some Evil and give it a thwacking until I feel better about myself."
"I'm not sure that's the official advice from all the professional bodies, but funnily enough, coincidence has arranged for a showdown between Good and Evil this very night." Brick mirrored Hugo's slap, only without the same force, or personal merchandise. "Although we may have to help Evil succeed in order for our plan to work." Brick threw in the details flippantly.
Hugo's face nearly fell off in panic. "What devilry."
"Has nobody filled you in on what's going on? The whole undercover evil plan we're working on?"
Hugo stood, ready to tear off his suit and start delivering thumps. "Evil has no plan. It has an idea, but it generally just acts means all over the place with the vague intention of pushing a big button somewhere, until I show up and thwart it."
"It's a little more complicated than that. Sit down a minute. You're making me dizzy having to look up like this." Brick did genuinely feel as though he was about to fall off his chair. Hugo sat, in response to Nicole and Suzy's beckoning and assurances that it was okay.
"You know that me and my compatriot here are enrolled at Evil University, and taking over this planet is our final assessment in order to pass the course." Brick waited for any kind of flinch he could interpret as a nod. It came as a flicker of an eyelid. "Well, the Chancellor likes the way we work and wants to promote us as the future philosophy of Evil. Obviously once we're installed as such we can manipulate it to Good's advantage, but to do that we need to defeat whatever Spon throws our way upon Noel Hill later, which may well involve us beating heroes." Brick's words simmered Hugo to a mild, rippling twitch that toured his face.
"So, ultimately, we're still on the side of Good?" Hugo had to be sure. He couldn't face paying off another scandal.
"Yes."
"Then bring on whoever wants a slice of frustration thumping pie." Hugo beamed brighter than a neon tube receiving a lifetime achievement award. Underneath all that tensing he was a simple man who just wanted to punch people justifiably.
"So, any secret preparations for our showdown with Good/Evil/whoever? Exploding grass? Treetop sniper you befriended earlier but hasn't been mentioned for a while? Any comrades that said they were leaving who may fly back at the most opportune moment?" The grin definitely expected a yes. All it got was a shrug and a shake of the head.
"Is that what you'd normally arrange?" Brick fished for tips.
"Not at all my physically inferior peer." Hugo felt the moment deserved standing up again. "I rely on my good old hero intuition upon approach. I work alone you see, my risks are my risks, and I take them gladly if it means one more heartbeat for the innocent." Hugo tried to squeeze out a tear. It just hurt his eye. "My finely tuned senses always smell out any skulduggery and traps the bad guy may be expecting me to walk in to, can't trust Evil, that's its thing. I usually sabotage anything they've set up so it backfires to my smug grin, then I enter the arena boldly, reacting with untold wit and posturing, ready to improvise anything else I may need until victory is there for Good."
"Sounds like you mainly wing it." Brick wasn't buying in to the bold language.
"A hero is prepared......"
"You definitely wing it." Spiritwind agreed, as did the rest of the nodding table.
"Which is fine; it's best to assess the situation as it unfolds." Brick stood and offered Hugo another pat on the back. "Just wanted to be sure we were doing things right." Brick rubbed his hands. "So if all we need to do is turn up, looks like we have a free afternoon; anyone for Space Hopper Polo?"
The room stood as one triumphant group and followed Brick to the outdoor arena, popping to The Western Bar on the way to pick up more contestants in the shape of Bozo and Schmuk.
The Space Hoppers winced; there were some big fella's beneath all those disguises.
Contents
Chapter Forty
Noel Hill was unusually busy for a Thursday. Other than squirrel bingo on a Tuesday, it spent most of its time moody and abandoned; however tonight had seen the installation of a stone circle, three people hiding in a bushel nearby, and two people carrying out some form of rehearsal in its centre.
Spon straightened Dollop's mask then took a step back. He pondered, stepped forward, gave another tweak then smiled to himself.
"I think this is going to work." As far as the world was concerned, a businessman was talking to Hugo Cortizone: the greatest hero in the universe.
The Chancellor whipped out a mirror and held it up; Dollop peered at his reflection with still contemplation.
Having spent hours in the Hugo suit, back at the university, the shock of seeing his own eyes amidst the features of his nemesis' had been quelled, although a shiver of conflict still ran through him. The time Dollop had spent guarding Hugo, back on Ahriman, had defused any need for battle. The henchman no longer needed to prove his physical superiority in a contest he could now see was only against him self. At least that's what his head had decided; his heart still thought it would be quite satisfying to take a running thump at the muscled balloon.
"That may be them." Spon snapped the mirror shut and turned at the sound of approaching noise. Peering into the dusk, it was hard to tell the difference between a band of heroes and a group of fruity badgers.
The three occupants of the bushel that sat twenty feet from the circle, Bum, Yakkety and Jiggery, had no idea what to expect other than the demise of Dag and Corsetry. For them, everything was exciting, be it badgers or a face-off between Good and Evil.
"So you know what to do?" Brick continued to remind Other Brick of his duties. He didn't want to end up in a dimension without cushions by mistake.
"Not a problem." Other Brick looked oblivious and still a little day-dreamy from memories of his new girlfriend.
"Really, because you've got that, not paying attention and just agreeing with things, expression on your face?"
"Have I?" Other Brick tried to look at his own face. He thought the element of surprise may make it possible. It didn't.
"Yes. I've pulled it enough times to know."
"But don't you find things work out okay after you've pulled it?"
"Usually, although there was that time with the deckchair." Brick looked down at his shin. Other Brick mirrored his action. "And when my potential eternity is on the line, I'd rather have a little certainty."
"Look, if it all goes wrong we'll just travel back in time and fix it." Other Brick turned to g
lance at Nicole, to check she was real. Nicole waved back in a sickeningly lovely fashion. She and Suzy wandered behind with Hugo, the two Spiritwinds were ahead. Bozo and Schmuk ambled at the general pace. They regaled each other with memories of Space Hopper Polo and their victory.
"And how will you do that?" Brick pursued Other Brick's solution.
"Hm. Sorry, what?"
"Go back in time?"
"That's an option isn't it? It's always an option in these situations."
"To be honest I have no idea what the rules of heroic narrative do and don't allow, I've given up on being surprised and just wait for a kiss that never comes....." Other Brick wondered if Brick was asking for a peck on the lips from him. He waited for the moment of uncertainty to pass without acting."....but just in case we can't, don't forget to shoot us."
"Ah, so you brought guests?" Spon interrupted any further discussion, and relieved Other Brick's kissing dilemma. As far as the Earthling was concerned, the option to engage in passion was now the Chancellor's.
"Guests, staff. These new working regulations; have to give them a holiday, thought this would count." Brick apologised with a shrug.
Spon pulled Brick closer and whispered. "Is it wise to bring your potential nemiseeeees along to the final showdown?" The Chancellor pointed at Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.
"We're pretty certain that isn't them, just a pair of standard Brick and Spiritwinds." Brick wafted a blasé thumb in their direction.
"How can you be so sure?"
"We asked them." Brick used his no further discussion needed because it's fine tone.
"Okay." Spon believed him, to Brick's amazement. Nobody ever accepted his reassurances, even minor ones about the weather he'd just been out in. He celebrated quietly and decided not to mention Hugo Cortizone and the two grade three heroes; plus the fact that they were actually the real grade five Brick and Spiritwind. "Follow me." Spon ushered Brick and Spiritwind into the stone circle. Other Spiritwind wandered back to Other Brick.
"Was this always here?" Spiritwind didn't recall a circle of twenty foot tall stones ever being atop Noel Hill.
"The stones, no, had them installed. Thought it would add to the drama. Plan to have lightning bouncing off them once I get in the editing suite."