Sea Air

by Meeringa, Jule

  “A substantial increase in renewable energies is just unrealistic,” remarked Mr. Albrecht about a half hour into the discussion. He threw a challenging look at me, knowing I wouldn’t let this pass. He’d been provoking me from the start, and I’d had enough.

  “I could not disagree more strongly,” I said. “It is my personal and professional opinion that the development of renewable forms of energy—from wind to water to solar—represents our very best chance for each country to create a sustainable and equitable twenty-first century. Not only that—”

  “Absolutely,” Mathis interrupted.

  “Dr. Hagena, could you say more about this?” The moderator seemed thrilled to hear Mathis’s voice again. I bristled.

  “I wasn’t finished!” I said in a loud voice as Mathis opened his mouth to speak.

  “Excuse me?” The moderator gave us a bewildered grin.

  “I believe Dr. Hagena’s remarks can wait until I’ve finished mine,” I said, now with more certainty. The audience murmured and I heard a few giggles.

  “Excuse me, Dr. Hagena,” said the moderator. “Will you allow—”

  “I do believe Dr. Hagena will allow it. And if he doesn’t? Well, that’s just too bad.” I turned toward Mathis. “I will now continue with my remarks. This is the best thing for both of us, Dr. Hagena. Someday you will understand.”

  It suddenly became very quiet in the lecture hall. Marco covered his face with his hands. Well, he’d brought me here. Now he’d have to wait it out. Every eye in the room was on Mathis and me. “Oh, Nele,” he said, his puzzled look turning into a smile. He started to laugh. “You are incredible!” He laughed so hard, tears came to his eyes.

  The poor moderator looked overwhelmed by the situation. “Given the circumstances . . . uh . . . ha-ha . . . I think we should take a quick break. Let’s pick this back up in ten minutes.” He gave me a withering look and hurried from the room.

  Without a second glance at Mathis, I walked out into the hall. But I didn’t feel as strong as I looked. My knees wobbled so much, I was afraid I might fall on my face, right in front of everybody. Mathis’s sudden appearance was bad enough. But then I’d gone and made myself into a laughingstock in front of all my peers. Marco would be mad as hell, and rightly so. How could I possibly look these people in the eye again? And how, for God’s sake, would I be able to survive the next round of discussions? In the hallway, I felt every eye on me. I could hear people whispering, probably about the young woman in blue who’d had the nerve to go toe-to-toe with the experts, challenge one of the most respected architects in the business, and then storm off like she owned the place.

  I made a beeline for the ladies’ room and splashed cold water onto my face as I let the water run. I looked in the mirror. Not only did I feel like a wet poodle, I looked like one, too.

  “Well, you really let him have it,” observed a middle-aged woman beside me. She met my eyes in the mirror and winked as she left.

  I considered making my escape through a bathroom window but dismissed the idea. With my luck, I’d get my butt stuck in the frame. Then I’d really have to move out of the country. I took a deep breath, swung the door open, and walked out into the hallway—right into Mathis’s arms.

  “Oops,” he said.

  “Were you waiting for me?” I could think of nothing better to say.

  “Yes, actually, I was.” I thought I heard a note of impatience in his voice.

  “Well?” Was he going to chew me out right here, in front of everyone?

  “Can we talk after this is over?”

  “Why don’t you just spit out what you have to say right now?”

  But before Mathis could respond, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

  “Are you all right, Nele?” I turned and saw Marco’s concerned eyes. Under any other circumstances, I would have dropped my head on his shoulder and howled. But letting down my guard now was out of the question. Marco gave my back a couple of pats, and I stood up straighter. Mathis looked from me to Marco with his bright-blue eyes.

  “Sorry. Marco . . . Mathis. Mathis . . . Marco.”

  The two gentlemen shook hands with great formality, each one muttering a stiff, “Nice to meet you.”

  “Can I have a moment, Nele?” Marco took me by my elbow and steered me over to Mr. Albrecht from the panel.

  “You are a remarkable young woman, Ms. Martens,” Albrecht began.

  I gave him a look. Was he kidding?

  “I’m serious,” he said. “I don’t know anyone like you. I wanted to ask, is there any chance you might be tempted away from your current position?”

  Who, this train wreck? I threw Marco a searching look, but he gave nothing away, just looked from one of us to the other. I gave Albrecht a smile.

  “It’s really nice of you to ask. But I know where I belong.” I threw Marco a long hard stare.

  “That’s too bad. If you change your mind, just give us a call.” Mr. Albrecht pressed his business card into my hand and disappeared into the crowd.

  “Can you come with me now, please?” Marco took a nervous look at his watch. “Excuse us, Dr. Hagena?” he said to Mathis, who had followed us. He nodded and walked away, his shoulders sagging in a way that looked truly pitiful. I wished I could run after him and throw myself into his arms.

  “Do you think you can get through another round of this, Nele?”

  “No problem.”

  “No problem? How about without the dramatics?”

  I traced the lines of the parquet floor with my shoe.

  “I was just surprised. I’m really sorry.”

  “That’s okay. I’ve talked with a lot of people during the break, and they’re all quite impressed with your knowledge of the subject.”

  “You’re just trying to make me feel better.”

  “No, Nele, you were really good. And it looks like that one mistake hasn’t messed anything up. In fact, you kind of broke the ice. Even Albrecht wants to recruit you. By the way, that’s totally out of the question, but I wanted you to hear him for yourself. As far as I’m concerned, you kept a pretty cool head out there in spite of everything. You represented yourself really well, Nele.”

  “Thanks. So you still trust me?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Thanks. I’ll make you proud.” Feeling better, I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he returned it with a kiss to my forehead. At just that moment, I saw Mathis walk up again. He passed us without saying a word.

  As soon as I got home, I ripped off my uncomfortable clothes. I was sticky from sweat and smelled terrible. I jumped in the shower and reflected on the day’s events as the water ran over my body.

  The surprise encounter with Mathis had completely thrown me. I could hardly believe it had happened; it felt so surreal. As I looked back, it was as if I’d been standing next to myself and listening to my voice, which had driven so much of the discussion but seemed not to belong to me. At several points, the debate had been between just Mathis and me. He had participated more often as the night wore on, especially in those moments when I seized the floor. On their own volition, the other panelists had held back and let us spar. When the moderator deliberately tried to involve them in Mathis’s and my arguments, they waved him off impatiently; even they felt that something special was taking place. In those minutes, I felt transported back to the Spieker, where Mathis and I had sat for hours, discussing the things that mattered to us. After the panel discussion was over, I had to do interviews with journalists. I had no opportunity to talk to Mathis, and I still didn’t know what he wanted to discuss with me. When I stepped outside, Marco was waiting for me, and to my disappointment, there was no trace of Mathis. Marco drove me home in silence. We would debrief on Monday.

  I was still emotionally worked up when I stepped out of the shower, but at least I smelled better. I had to hurry to go pick up Pau
la, but instead I wrapped myself in my bathrobe and called Sandra.

  “Nele! How did the panel go?”

  “It was a nightmare. Mathis was there.”

  “Mathis came to the panel? The Mathis?”

  “Yes. Only he didn’t just come to the panel. He sat right next to me, on the panel.”

  “Oh, shit. How did you not know this beforehand?”

  “He was a last-minute replacement.”

  “You have to tell me everything.”

  “I’d love to, but can we do it tomorrow? I’m drained. Please don’t be mad. I just need some time alone.”

  “Of course you do. I should have suggested it. Paula can spend the night tonight. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so you can sleep in. I’ll bring her back around noon.”

  “Thank you,” I said in a weak voice. I yawned.

  “Okay, honey, sleep well and don’t worry about a thing.”

  “I’ll do my best. Ciao.”

  I hung up, pulled on my oldest but most comfortable pajamas, and dragged myself into bed. Maybe in the morning I’d realize that all this had been a bad dream.

  Ten o’clock! I couldn’t believe my clock was right. I turned on the radio, but the DJ confirmed it: I really had slept for fourteen hours. Paula would be at the door soon, and so would Sandra, who would have plenty of questions for me. But they’d both seen me in my pajamas before. I didn’t need to rush around like crazy. I grabbed my book. When did I ever get a chance to just relax and read? I needed something to distract me from what had happened the day before.

  This peace was short-lived. A few minutes later, the radio station broadcast excerpts from the postdiscussion interviews we panel members had given the day before. I turned up the volume as Mr. Albrecht reiterated his belief that renewable energy would not survive long-term. How on earth did he believe I would ever work for him? I shook my head. Just as I was about to lean back against my pillow, I heard Mathis’s soothing voice. They’d snapped him up for an interview, too. How had he managed to give such a professional and relaxed-sounding interview after such a stressful day? Mathis’s words made a lot of sense. And then it happened: I heard my own voice coming over the airwaves. It shook a bit, and my answers sounded pretty stiff. But the content was solid. Feeling satisfied with my performance, I switched off the radio and turned back to my reading.

  This time, the doorbell interrupted me. I sat up in bed, my book dropping to the floor. Shit! Had I fallen back asleep? Sandra would start banging on the door really hard if I didn’t hurry. Plagued by sleepiness and a headache, I rushed to open the front door then took a quick step back so Paula and Anneke wouldn’t run me over. It took a moment for me to register the silence.

  “Why aren’t you two coming in?” I asked without even looking into the hallway.

  “You two? It’s just me.”

  Impossible. Now I was even hallucinating the sound of Mathis’s voice.

  “Can I come in?” the hallucination asked, sounding very real.

  “All right,” I heard myself say. I had no idea what to do now. What would Mathis think of my chaotic apartment? I wondered. I’d planned to clean up the day before, but it was too late now. I sank into the couch and looked at Mathis with tired eyes.

  “I’ll bet my timing’s terrible, right?” He gave me a broad grin. “If you tell me where the machine is, I’ll brew us up some coffee. I think you might need it. And if it’s all right with you, I’ll join you.”

  I was thankful that he was giving me a moment to gather myself. The sight of me was probably unbearable. Without a word, I disappeared into the bathroom. He could find his own way around the kitchen.

  One look in the mirror told me that things were even worse than I’d feared. My eyes were swollen, and my hair was halfway to dreadlock status. I jumped into a cold shower. By the time I was done, I still wasn’t satisfied with the result, but at least I could recognize myself. Combing my hair and brushing my teeth would have to be good enough. The smell of fresh coffee wafted into the bathroom. My heart beating extra hard, I wrapped myself in my bathrobe and went back into the living room.

  Mathis had placed two colorful cups filled with coffee on the table and had also left some bread spread with jam. I sighed. Why did he have to be so perfect? He was making it impossible for me to despise him the way I should.

  “I heard you on the radio.” He walked in carrying the coffee pot in one hand, containers filled with milk and sugar in the other.

  “Did you think, ‘Listen to Nele make a fool of herself’?”

  “I thought you did well.” He settled himself opposite me in the armchair.

  “Mooooo,” came the sound of a plastic toy cow from Paula’s babyhood. Mathis looked in no way surprised by this. He fished the cow out from under the cushion and tossed it on the chair beside him. After having raised three children, he was long past getting irritated by such a little thing.

  “Thanks. But you didn’t come here to tell me that.”

  “No. You had a crowd around you yesterday. I didn’t want to impose.”

  “Aren’t you considerate.”

  “Sometimes. Where’s Paula?” He looked around as if to locate where she’d hidden herself.

  He’d said “Paula” and not just “your daughter”! He actually remembered her name.

  “Actually, she should be home any minute.” The doorbell rang. “That’ll be her.” My instinct to step back from the door proved wise this time, as the girls stormed past me with a roar, Sandra following a bit more slowly.

  “Well, this isn’t the perkiest I’ve seen you, but I can smell that you at least made some coffee. I . . .” At the sight of Mathis, she stopped at the door. Like her, the children were momentarily stunned into silence, but then curiosity won the day.

  “Who are you?” asked Paula.

  “I’m Mathis. Who are you?”

  “I am Paula. I live here. And this is my friend Anneke. Did you sleep in my bed?”

  I groaned inwardly.

  “No, I just got here.” Mathis got up and stretched out his hand to Sandra. “Mathis Hagena.”

  Sandra shook his hand mechanically, mumbled her name, and then dragged me by the arm into the kitchen.

  “What’s he doing here?”

  “I don’t know. He was just about to tell me when you got here.”

  “Yikes. All right, I’m out of here. We’re on our way to see Christoph’s parents. We’ll take Paula with us and bring her back tonight. Honestly, Nele! How can you be so calm about this?”

  “I don’t feel calm. What am I supposed to do?”

  “Hear him out, but don’t fall for any tricks. You know, he looks nice, actually. Not at all like a jerk. And he has great eyes.”

  Back in the living room, Paula and Anneke had made themselves comfortable on the chair with Mathis and were now shoving their class photo under his nose. Sandra and I stood back and watched.

  “This is Juliane, who is also our friend. And that’s Kevin. He’s very bad. And this is Caroline. She’s got the supercool Barbie dolls.”

  “And you two are the prettiest in the class,” Mathis noted. Paula and Anneke beamed. This was starting to look like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

  “Come along, Anneke. We’re leaving again. Paula, you’re going to want to come along again, too.” Sandra sounded very determined.

  “But we just got here! You just said . . .” Paula scrunched up her face in a pout.

  “Momma has to discuss something important with Mathis.”

  “But I want to stay here.”

  “Paula, please,” I said. “Sandra’s right. Anyway, Anneke’s grandma has ponies. I’ll bet you want to go horseback riding.”

  “I want to stay here and show Mathis my photos.”

  Mathis stepped in. “I’ll definitely come back sometime, and when I do, you can sh
ow me all of your photos.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  “I don’t know. When are you coming again?”

  “Paula! That’s enough,” I said a bit too loud.

  “You always send me away!” she sulked.

  Children are masters at giving their parents a guilty conscience. But to my relief, both girls got up and followed Sandra to the door.

  “Bye, Mathis, see you soon!” Then they were gone.

  I sank back down and picked up my now-lukewarm coffee.

  “They’re quite a team, Paula and Anneke.”

  “They put up with a lot, thank goodness. And Sandra is the best.” I picked up my bread and jam. “Thanks for the sandwich.” I took a big bite.

  “You’re welcome. You looked famished.”

  “Mathis, why did you come here?”

  “I came because I owe you an explanation. And, yes . . . an apology, if you’ll hear it. If you’re willing, I’d like to explain everything over a good lunch. We could go to The Old Mill.”

  “Okay.” I stood up and reached for my purse.

  Mathis looked me over from top to bottom. “You know, if it was up to me, I would take you in your bathrobe. But I’m afraid . . .”

  Blushing from head to toe, I disappeared into the bedroom.

  Located in a time-honored building outside the bustle of the city, The Old Mill served excellent food at reasonable prices. Mathis headed for the only vacant corner table. He let me choose my spot first, then sat beside me. He looked good enough to eat, in his blue shirt and light-colored linen pants. I was starting to realize how unusual the situation was and I suddenly felt very nervous. Thankfully, the waiter appeared and brought us the menu, and I focused on the words without registering what any of them meant.

  “Would you like a drink?” asked Mathis, scrutinizing me closely.

  “No, thanks. Not before lunch.” Feeling nauseous, I wished I hadn’t had so much coffee. The events of the last few days were taking their toll.

  “You’d rather be anywhere else than sitting here with me. Am I right?” It was a simple observation, not a guilt trip. “I don’t blame you, after the way I treated you.”