“No,” I said. “I’m okay. Yesterday was pretty rough, though. It was the first panel I’d ever been on, and—”
“Then I showed up.”
“Yes, but . . . It’s just that everything got thrown at me at once. That was just another panel for you. This is what you do: you speak in public. But I—”
“Believe me, Nele,” he said. “Yesterday was hardly just another panel for me. After I saw you, it was a long time before I could even speak. And that’s not because I had nothing to say on the subject. You probably won’t believe me, but I’d made up my mind to call you soon after returning from the North Sea. I knew it wasn’t right for me to leave you without an explanation. But I’ll admit it: I was a coward. After the way I treated you, I’m sure you think I’m an asshole, that I just used you . . .”
“But . . .”
“No, Nele. There’s no excuse for my behavior. All I can tell you is that I’m terribly sorry. And that I’ve suffered at least as much as you have.” He covered his face with both hands. “My God, Nele,” he said softly. “You have no idea how much it hurt to return to our boat.”
He actually said “our boat.” My eyes filled with tears in the face of his obvious desperation.
“I made the Spieker shipshape, then decided not to go inside it again. After I drove home, I threw myself into my work, trying to forget. I can’t count the number of times I picked up the phone to call you. But, like I said: I was a coward. When I saw you at the panel, I was caught completely off guard. It had to be a sign. I’d planned for my business partner to do it, and he’d been perfectly healthy the day before. The morning of the panel, he spiked a fever. Coward or not, I can’t ignore fate. I had to come see you. I am so grateful to you for listening and for not just sending me away.”
My mind reeled. Mathis sounded sincere. But what good did that do me? He was sitting across from me and explaining only the things he wanted to explain, and he hadn’t said a word about the future of our relationship. I knew that it would be better to know the whole story, to understand why we couldn’t be together. But now that he was in front of me, my body lusted after his and cried out to be touched and caressed by him. Had fate really brought us back together again? What did it want for us? Mathis seemed to have an inkling, but I was in a tailspin.
“Are you ready to order?” the waiter interrupted. Mathis was watching me with a sober look on his face. I sighed. Why couldn’t it just be like it had been before, when we would eat, drink good wine, and talk, when I would listen to his stories and . . .
“I’d like a Radler,” said Mathis without looking at me. He was back home, where an Alster was actually a Radler.
“A tomato juice, please.” The waiter disappeared.
“Tomato juice. I used to always drink that when I had a hangover,” said Mathis.
“The way I feel today is kind of like a hangover.”
“And how are you when you’re not being startled by the appearance of unexpected panel guests?”
“So-so to miserable.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but I didn’t think he’d be convinced by a lie. “And you?”
“Same.”
I almost laughed. What a bizarre situation! Here we were: two people shaken by love for each other, and all that was in the way of that love was us. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t want to hear his explanations. I couldn’t stand to watch him walk away a second time, and that’s what would happen. What did his reason matter? If there was really no way to make things work, I just wanted all this to be over.
“I don’t expect you to accept my reasons for leaving you, Nele. But please let me explain. I think that will make the situation easier for us both,” he said. It was as if he could read my thoughts. He probably had.
“It might well make it easier for you. I’m not so sure about me. Being left just hurts, whatever the reason.”
“The result is the same either way, that’s true. But I’m hoping we’ll both sleep a little better once I’ve explained.”
That didn’t seem likely. But I could tell this was important to him. I sighed. “All right.”
The waiter appeared again and brought our drinks.
“And what can I bring you to eat?”
I glanced down at the menu, but Mathis stepped in to save me. “Two orders of the daily special, please.”
“Very well, sir.”
“What’s the daily special?” I asked when he was gone.
“I have no idea.”
I gave Mathis a grateful smile. The waiter returned right away with our soup, chanterelle mushroom. I lifted my spoon to my lips. The taste was wonderful and raised my spirits.
“I don’t want to be tied down.”
“Excuse me?” Surprised, I looked up.
“I don’t want to be tied down,” Mathis repeated.
He’d started his explanation. Now I just had to get through it.
“I’ve told you a lot of things, Nele,” he continued. “Mostly about my past. I want you to know, I’ve told you more than I’ve ever told any other person, except maybe my therapist. All this has made me stop and think about what I want from the future.
“You see, my whole life, I’ve always been tied down to one place, or I’ve had to take care of some other person. I took on a lot of responsibility as a child, as you know—much earlier than most people in modern times. In the years after the war, I was far from the only child taking on serious obligations. Many people faced destinies much harder than mine. But Uwe’s illness meant that I was permanently stuck. My parents relied on me, and there was no way to escape this responsibility.
“This role started for me at the children’s home at the North Sea, where I was expected to spend entire days with my sick brother and missed out on being with the other children. That was simply my life. As I grew older, I became more and more aware of all the ways my life was limited by my responsibilities to Uwe. The turning point was when my brother Jürgen left. Jürgen didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone. Unlike me, he was free. Eventually, I left home, too. But not to fulfill my dream of becoming a sailor. The Navy was the only option given to me. Although they released me from the responsibility of taking care of my brother, my parents still imposed barriers on my life. Then one day, strictly by chance, I got an opportunity to break the pattern. It was true that I felt something for Helga, but it was the fact that she belonged to Uwe that made her doubly attractive. I wanted to steal her from him. I had to do it—”
“Sorry, but I’m not following you. Who’s Helga?”
“That’s right, you don’t know that part of my story. Helga was my first wife, Lars’s mother.”
“Ah. And originally, she was with Uwe.”
Just then, the waiter arrived with our entrée, and I gave it a curious glance. Wow! Duck in orange sauce. I felt better already. We took our first bites in silence before Mathis continued.
“Mathis, I’d like you to do something for me.” His mother stood in front of the stove, stirring the soup in the saucepan.
“Sure, what is it?” Mathis didn’t even look up from his book.
“I want you to take Helga Peters to the dance on Saturday.”
Mathis raised his head. “Who’s that?” He didn’t know any girl by that name.
“You know. Uwe’s girlfriend.”
“Uwe has a girlfriend?” This was the first Mathis had heard about it. He’d just arrived home from the Navy on leave.
“He didn’t tell you? Helga is such a good girl. And Uwe is so happy.”
Mathis heard the pride and enthusiasm in his mother’s voice.
“Why should I go to a dance with her if she’s Uwe’s girlfriend?”
“But, Mathis!” Mother’s voice sounded very impatient now. “It should be obvious: Uwe can’t dance! But Helga would like to go to the ball. Anyway, I’ve already told her you w
ould take her.”
“You already told her?” Mathis couldn’t believe his ears. “What if I don’t want to?” He’d actually been thinking about asking Barbara from the neighborhood to go with him. Ever since they met at a party, he couldn’t get her out of his mind.
“Do it for me.”
“What does Uwe have to say about all this?”
“Uwe thinks it’s a great idea. He’s the one who thought of it. Strictly speaking, it was his idea.”
“Why is he doing this to me?”
“Mathis! Your brother is sick! If you let him down, you’ll be letting me down!” She stirred the soup so hard, it threatened to spill over.
“Fine!” He knew that he couldn’t win this argument. But what would Barbara say when she saw him dancing with another girl?
“Good boy. Uwe will be so glad.”
Mathis threw himself back into his book. He couldn’t wait for his leave to be over.
“Hi, Mathis, I’m Helga.”
For a quarter of an hour, Mathis had been sitting in the living room, sulking. He had put on his best suit and was dreading the hours ahead, when he’d be stuck with a boring girl while Barbara danced with someone else.
At the sound of Helga’s voice, he forced himself to stand up, but he immediately fell back in the chair. Standing before him was not the little gray mouse he’d expected but a woman in a pale-blue evening gown—a completely different type of woman than Barbara, but one who was equally beautiful. Helga was petite and less voluptuous, with curly blond hair framing soft, even features. She might have been mistaken for an angel if not for her bright-blue eyes, which flashed with mischief and an appetite for life. Mathis took a deep breath and stood again to greet her. With a grin on his face, Uwe stood behind Helga, puffed up with pride.
“Hello, Helga, I’m glad to meet you. Very glad, actually.”
“It’s so nice of you to go to the dance with me. We haven’t lived in the city long. My father was transferred here recently, and I hardly know anybody.” She looked at Mathis. “But maybe you wanted to go to the dance with somebody you know?”
Mathis caught a warning glance from his mother, who had noticed his bad mood and drawn her own conclusions about it. However, the look wasn’t necessary. Mathis was now quite sure that he wanted to take Helga to the ball.
“No, no,” he said. “I wouldn’t know who else to take.”
His mother nodded, satisfied. “I hope you have lots of fun.”
Helga threw Uwe a radiant look, then she linked arms with Mathis and they headed out into the spring evening.
“How did you meet Uwe?” Mathis asked as he led Helga in a Viennese waltz. It was their third dance, and he was entranced. His friends had all thrown him looks of envy when they walked into the room, and he’d been asked several times how he met this beautiful girl. He hadn’t told anyone that she was Uwe’s girlfriend because tonight she belonged to him. At first, Barbara looked confused, but then she dedicated herself to her own dance partner. It promised to be a very successful evening.
“We met at the hospital where my father works. Uwe is doing his internship there.”
Uwe had earned his high school diploma at the age of seventeen and was now studying medicine.
“What is it about him that you like?”
“What do I like about Uwe? For one thing, he’s funny. He’s really sweet, and he’s handsome. And anyway . . .”
“Anyway?” Mathis noticed a brief hesitation.
“Well, he’s pretty much the only person I know in this town.” Helga gave Mathis a mischievous look.
“Now you know me, too.”
“Yes, I do. You know, I think that going to the ball with you was a very good idea.”
Mathis swallowed. Would Uwe see it the same way by the time it was over?
“You know, I think Uwe is really in love with you.”
“Maybe.” Helga didn’t seem surprised.
“Are you in love with him?”
Instead of an answer, Helga gave Mathis a radiant smile as he swept her around the dance floor. It was, indeed, a completely successful evening all around. And it wouldn’t be the only one Mathis and Helga spent together.
“I’m going to kill you! I swear to you, I’m going to kill you!” Rage contorted Uwe’s face as he threatened Mathis with a wooden slat.
“Uwe, come on. Be reasonable,” Mathis said.
“Reasonable?” Uwe was beside himself with rage. “You stole the woman I love and you want me to be reasonable? You’re a pig, Mathis. A disgusting pig!” Uwe struck at his brother. With quick reflexes, Mathis jumped out of the way so that the slat hit him on the arm. Pain shot through him. Reflexively, he reached out and knocked the slat out of Uwe’s hand, and Uwe stumbled and fell to the ground. For once, Mathis didn’t bend down to help his brother get back on his feet, as he had countless times before. He left Uwe whimpering on the ground and walked out of the room without a word.
He and Helga had been seeing each other secretly for more than a year. His family hadn’t found out because he spent most of that time at sea, and Helga told no one. Now that his time in the Navy was almost over, he was ready to become a student and Helga wanted to come along. The day before, he told his family of his plans to marry her. They were horrified. His mother wept uncontrollably into her handkerchief and muttered, “How can you do this to Uwe? How can you do that to your poor, sick brother? You could have any woman—why does it have to be Uwe’s?” Shaking his head, his father told Mathis he could expect no further support from them if he insisted on conducting himself this way. Mathis knew that no one in the family would be willing to back him in this. But it didn’t matter. He loved Helga and she loved him. He’d put his sick brother first for long enough. From now on, he would live his own life, and Helga would be part of it. He was sure he could make it work.
Two years later, on a sunny summer day in the Hamburg registry office, Helga Peters became Helga Hagena.
“That,” said Mathis, “was my first act of liberation.”
Liberation. I’d almost forgotten that Mathis was telling me this story to explain why he was rejecting me, but this word thrust me back into reality.
“Did you and Uwe ever make peace?”
“We did. He even came to our wedding, though the damage to our relationship was extensive. But now, I was tied down in a different way: I was married. I’d chosen this path for myself, of course, and I didn’t feel stuck at first. Like I said, I loved Helga. She was so full of life, I never felt bored with her. We travelled a lot in the beginning, and I never got the feeling I wasn’t free. That changed some when Lars was born, but not completely. Of course, our responsibilities grew. But we took Lars with us everywhere, and we never felt we were missing out. We eventually divorced, for reasons I won’t go into now. After that, I sailed the world’s oceans for more than a year. You already know what came after that, including my marriage of convenience.
“To this day, I still believe that was the right decision for me to make then. She was never the great love of my life, but Karin and I spent some wonderful years together, and I wouldn’t have missed them for the world. Our boys were born, and I was so busy with work that I never had time to think about whether I wanted something else. It was only a matter of time, though, until one of us fell in love with someone else. It happened, just as we’d known it would one day. I ran off with another woman, ready to leave my children and start a new life. I moved out and moved in with her, and it went well for two years, before she left me. I was devastated. Karin was willing to take me back. I needed stability, and Karin hadn’t coped well with all the changes. So I moved back in with my family, and that’s where I still live today.”
“And that’s where you want to stay,” I stated.
“That’s not really the point. My children are grown up—or almost. Though still in college, Arne just m
oved out and is working part-time in the community, and Malte won’t be dependent on me for much longer. Karin and I have drifted apart. We stayed together mostly for the children, and now we live completely separate lives. No, the question is, what should I do now? I only have a couple years before I retire. When I do, that will be the first time in my life I won’t be tied down. I’ll be able to live out my dreams and sail around the world. I can do whatever I want without having to take another person into account.”
“So, I was in your way.”
“That’s a harsh way to put it. I see it a little differently, Nele. You’re still a young woman, on the brink of a great career. I saw you in action the other day, and I have to say I was impressed. I saw enormous potential in you. You’re destined for success, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand in the way of you following your path.
“But it’s more than that. I wouldn’t be doing either one of us a favor if I stayed here just to be with you. I’m sure I could find things to do. I could sit around all day in a cushy chair, waiting for you. But that would never work. I have to get out of here, Nele. I don’t have a choice. I need to be free. That’s all I’ve been able to think about after our vacation together. I really love you so much, Nele. But if I don’t let you go now, it’ll be too late. This isn’t just about you. You have a child to consider. Paula’s still young. It wouldn’t be fair for her to have a father who’s old enough to be her grandfather. And if I were to get mixed up with a third family? We’d all end up miserable. Why would you even want to be with an old man like me? In the end, I would just be a burden to you, and that is something I could never bear.”
Mathis fell silent. I was too upset to speak. I longed to be alone, to think about everything he’d said. Wordlessly, I scratched at my empty plate with my fork.
“All this became even clearer to me the other day when I saw you with that young man.”
Young man? I gave him a quizzical look.
“At the panel. The one who stole you away from me during the break. The one who kissed you so lovingly on the forehead.” His brow furrowed.
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