“Marco.”
“Marco. So, that’s his name. Does he love you?”
I laughed. What a ridiculous idea. “Are you saying you were a little jealous?”
“Of course I was jealous!” He sounded almost angry. “It kills me to say this to you, Nele, but . . .” Where on earth was this heading? Did he think Marco was a wanted criminal and that I was too stupid to have caught on to him? This was getting so awful, it was almost funny. “This Marco . . . He seems right for you.”
“Right how?”
“For one thing, you’re about the same age.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s a lot. And he seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. You deserve someone like that.”
“How do you know what I deserve?”
“Nele. I think I know you quite well, even if our . . . relationship didn’t last. Now tell me: Does he love you?”
“How would that change anything?”
“It wouldn’t. Unless . . . you love him, too.”
“I know this must be terribly inconvenient for you, Mathis Hagena.” My voice started to get louder. All this was driving me crazy. “But I love only you. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has changed since I last saw you. And I’ll thank you not to go around pairing me off with other men, whether it’s Marco or anyone else. I’ve got to tell you, right now you’re right on the verge of getting your ass kicked!”
“That doesn’t sound like the worst thing.”
“Do you actually think this brings us any closure at all? You told me what you wanted to say and I listened. What does this Marco shit have to do with anything?”
“I was only trying to explain—”
“Thanks, but I’m done. I understand things clearly enough. I would like to go now.”
My whole body trembling, I stood up and walked out of the restaurant. I couldn’t take any more. We didn’t speak to each other the whole way home. When we reached my doorstep, Mathis turned to me.
“I’m so sorry, Nele. I just wanted to—”
But I had heard enough excuses for one day, and I wanted to be alone before my tears came. “Ciao, Mathis,” I said in a quiet voice, and I went inside.
Christoph met your Mathis.”
I choked on the last bite of the roll I’d just stuffed in my mouth. Paula and I were at Sandra’s house for Sunday breakfast while Christoph was at a convention, and the girls were eating inside Anneke’s rather small playhouse. “Because,” Paula said, “my Hildegard-Sophie doll is sick and can’t go to kindergarten and someone has to take care of her.” We understood completely.
“Where?” I started to cough as I tried to redirect the piece of bread onto the right track.
“At work. I don’t know exactly how it happened. Christoph just said that he was working on a new project idea. He didn’t want to go into the details before he knows whether the project is actually going to happen. I don’t have to tell you how long that can take.”
I nodded. As the owner of a job-creation company, Christoph was constantly battling with local politicians, just as I was. We’d worked together on a number of projects. An idealistic man, he dreamed of helping socially disadvantaged people by providing job training that would enable them to find employment. His efforts had at first met with great success, and his training model had drawn much attention nationwide. Through Christoph’s program, thousands had gained valuable skills and found their way back into the workforce. But then something went wrong. Many of the people who took advantage of the program now were already employable. The program essentially became an employment agency, which wasn’t the original mission at all. Christoph sank into the depths of frustration and toyed with the idea of quitting his job and starting over. That was, of course, easier said than done.
“Did you and Christoph talk about me?” I said, once I could manage a whole sentence without coughing again.
“No, Christoph doesn’t like to mix business and friendship. And you know how men are. They don’t get how important things like that are. Christoph just mentioned Mathis’s name in passing.”
“Well, did you pump him for information?” I knew that was all but impossible with Christoph.
“Of course. But I couldn’t get much out of him. He did say that Mathis seemed very professional and left a good impression. Which doesn’t help us at all.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I agreed. “And when did all this happen?”
“On Thursday.”
“And you’re just telling me now?”
“What difference would it have made if I told you any earlier?” She had a point. “Actually,” she said. “I didn’t want to tell you at all.”
“Why not?”
“Because you would have just worried about it longer. But it probably didn’t make any difference. You’re moping around all day long anyway.”
“Is it that noticeable?”
“Oh, it’s very subtle. You just stare holes into the wall, send your daughter to school wearing sandals when it’s raining out, and pour salt instead of sugar into your tea. I hardly noticed, really.”
“I’m probably not the best company right now,” I admitted.
“It’s fine. You’re going to be okay. But there’s something else I have to tell you. It’s why I had to say something about Christoph and Mathis.”
“What?” I gave her a curious look. Had Mathis said something about me?
“Marco was at the meeting, too.”
I stared at her.
“Marco? Why didn’t he tell me anything about this?”
“That’s between you and him. I have no idea. I just thought you should know.”
“I’m calling him right now.”
“Isn’t he at the same conference as Christoph this weekend? Probably not the best timing for a lecture from you. Wait until tomorrow.”
“Is Mathis there, too?”
“I don’t know. Ask him.”
“Very funny.”
“Try to forget about it. I doubt this means anything. They’re three different guys, working in three different fields. I doubt they have anything major in common.”
Sandra knew as well as I did that those three had some common ground. She was just trying to calm me down, but it didn’t work.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you had a meeting with Mathis?” After spending a shitty night fuming, the first thing I did on Monday morning was storm into Marco’s office. He was relaxing in his big chair, his feet on the desk, newspaper open, and a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Good morning to you, too, Nele. Did you have a nice weekend?” He threw me a challenging look and sipped his coffee. I saw I wasn’t going to make any progress like that.
“I’m sorry. Good morning,” I said, sounding sheepish. “Sandra told me that you had a meeting with Christoph and Mathis. Supposedly you’re planning some sort of joint project. Why wasn’t I told?”
“Because you’re already a bundle of nerves,” he said. “Working with Mathis Hagena wasn’t a done deal, so I decided not to bother you with it. And it looks like I was right not to, because you’re freaking out again. I was going to tell you today, though.”
“Tell me what?”
“That we’re launching a joint project, Christoph, Mathis, and I.”
Christoph, Mathis, and I. Already the best of buddies. Isn’t that just great? “You can’t do that!” I stared at Marco in horror. Had he gone crazy?
“Of course we can, Nele. Your Mathis is a great guy and practically a genius professionally. I realized that at the panel discussion. It would be stupid of us to walk away from this chance to work with him just because of your personal history. Really stupid.”
“Was this Mathis’s idea?” I couldn’t believe he would do something like this behind my back.
“No. At least, not directly.
”
“What do you mean, not directly?”
“Christoph approached me a while back with the idea for a new project that would focus on issues related to ecological rehabilitation. Exciting stuff, especially since we’ve been wanting to move into larger redevelopment projects. Christoph thought it would be interesting to combine this issue and his job-training model. There just aren’t enough skilled workers available to do ecological rehab, and this solution could meet two different sets of needs.”
“How did Mathis get skin in the game?”
“He posted an essay on the subject of ecology in Urban Development and Employment a long time ago. When Sandra mentioned your history with him, Christoph remembered reading the essay and everything fell into place. You see, you were part of this all coming together, even if you didn’t know it.” Marco grinned at me.
“That’s just great. I suppose Christoph called Mathis immediately.”
“Of course not. He wasn’t sure he could do that to you, and he didn’t want to be the bad guy. Sandra would have given him hell for it. He asked for my advice. Since I’m naturally meaner, and since my wife hasn’t figured that out about me yet, I volunteered to call Mathis.”
“How did he react?”
“At first he was shocked to hear my voice. But he’s a professional, and he saw the potential in the idea immediately. We decided the three of us should meet right away. I have to say it was an incredible meeting.” Marco’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “This Mathis of yours is a really great guy.”
“He is not my Mathis!” I insisted.
“I know. That’s too bad.” Marco sounded thoughtful. “But he seems to have good reasons.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. I told Marco about my conversation with Mathis. To my great annoyance, he nodded in sympathy—for Mathis.
“Well, I’m not going to have anything to do with it.” It wasn’t a question.
“Actually, I don’t see how we can do this project without you,” Marco said. “You’re the expert in our company. Without your participation, we don’t have the ability to do this.”
“Then we’re not doing it. There are other companies that can take the job.”
Marco wasn’t about to let me get away with that.
“I figured you’d say that. This is a time to be professional, Nele, not sentimental. This is bigger than your personal situation, and I’m sure you’ll see it that way once you think about it for five hours.”
“Why five hours?” I asked.
“Because in five hours, it’ll be three o’clock and Mathis and Christoph will be here for a meeting. We set it up yesterday at the conference. The sooner we jump on this, the better for everyone. It’ll take long enough as it is to get the usual suspects from the city on board.”
I left in a daze. Why was everybody being so thoughtless? Didn’t anybody care about my feelings anymore?
“Nele, something came in the mail today that I think you should—”
“God! Can you stop bothering me with all this shit?” I didn’t care that Vera had nothing to do with this mess. I grabbed my bag and walked out of the office, slamming the door behind me. I had no intention of showing my face there ever again.
Over and over, I looked at my watch. I didn’t have a choice—Marco would never forgive me if I blew off this appointment, brokenhearted or not. This was an important project, and business was no place for hurt feelings. I would have to go. I wondered about the hand of fate in all this. It couldn’t all have happened by coincidence.
Around a quarter to three, I went back to the office. I immediately apologized to Vera. She pouted, as I knew she would, but I also knew that she’d already forgiven me. There was no sign of Marco, although Vera thought he’d be back by three. I certainly hoped so!
I tried and failed to distract myself by checking e-mail. While I was still reading, I heard a very familiar voice out in the waiting room. My door opened.
“Dr. Hagena for you.”
“Fine.” Vera looked curious about my abnormally curt response, but she closed the door behind Mathis without saying a word.
“Hello, Nele.” Mathis made no move to give me his hand, sparing us that awkwardness.
“Hello, Mathis.” I gestured for him to take a seat.
“You’re just as angry now as you were before. Am I right?”
At least he wasn’t going to beat around the bush.
“I don’t know if angry is the right word,” I said. “I hoped that we were done seeing each other, once and for all. But you seem to enjoy making life difficult for me. Fine. But please do me a favor: don’t ask me how I feel, because if I answer I may wind up going for your throat.” I smiled but put a hand to my throat in a gesture that could only be interpreted one way.
Mathis looked at me without saying anything for a long time. I felt panic start to rise within me and hoped he’d just get up and leave. Though, if he did, Marco would soon be the one grabbing someone by the throat, and that someone wouldn’t be Mathis.
Finally, Mathis leaned back in his chair and looked around my office.
“Nice place you have here.”
I agreed. Through his connections, Marco had gotten these offices in a renovated historic building at quite a reasonable price. The rooms had high ceilings, hardwood floors, and large windows, all in a perfect downtown location.
Mathis’s gaze fell on two large, framed photographs of the Wadden Sea. One showed the sun glittering over the tideway; the other had been taken at sunrise. I had bought the prints on vacation and, in a fit of masochism, hung them in my office. Embarrassed, I went back to scrolling through my e-mails.
“They’re beautiful,” Mathis said in a quiet voice, not taking his eyes off the photos.
“Yes.”
“I wish that—”
Just then my office door opened and Marco and Christoph hurried in.
“Sorry, we’re a little late.” Marco reached out a hand to Mathis. “Shall we go to the conference room? Vera has coffee waiting for us.”
We all stood and followed Marco to the conference room, where Mathis sat across from me. The way the sunlight hit his bright linen shirt, I could easily see the strong contours of his upper body. I averted my gaze and turned to Marco, who was preparing to open our meeting. Soon we were in the midst of a lively discussion about urban development, enabling me to set aside my desire to rip the shirt off Mathis’s suntanned body and devour him.
By the time two hours were up, we had a clearly developed list of objectives and had written down our assigned tasks. I had to admit that the project these three had thought up was truly an exciting one, and together we were the ideal team. I wondered whether I would have fallen in love with Mathis if I had met him for the first time at this meeting. There was no way to know, and it didn’t matter. Even under different circumstances, my love for Mathis would have been in vain.
“Excellent. We’ve all got our marching orders.” Christoph beamed. He started to gather up his things. “I’m afraid I have to run now. Can everyone meet again at the same time next week?” We all agreed and he left looking very happy.
“I hope he won’t be disappointed,” muttered Marco, his brow furrowed.
“Why?” I asked. “Is something wrong?”
“Sort of. Christoph told me he sees this project as his last chance to do something important. He’s pretty frustrated with the direction his company has taken. If this thing doesn’t work out . . .”
“I totally understand his frustrations.” Mathis made no move to leave but just leaned back and crossed his legs. “This is exactly why I decided years ago not to get pinned down to any one project.”
“So why are you involved?” I asked. “You don’t sound like you have a lot of faith in this project.”
“Oh, the project itself is great. I went back and forth about participat
ing, and I wondered whether it would be worth the effort. But things are always worth a try. If it fails . . . Well, there are other cities where this concept might succeed, and other people who would be very happy to have it.”
“Why not just go straight to a different city now, then, if you think it has a better chance elsewhere?” I asked. “That might save us a lot of grief.”
“That’s not a bad idea. But I’m feeling drawn to the challenge, and I’ve got the urge to really dig into something.” Mathis stared out the window. “Or maybe it’s because I don’t want to let down the city where I grew up.”
It took a moment for his meaning to register. I stared at Mathis. “Wait. Mathis and Uwe were . . . That whole story played out here? Why didn’t you ever mention that?”
“Because . . . I’m not really sure why,” he admitted.
Marco looked back and forth between us, but neither Mathis nor I explained. This is between Mathis and me, I thought. I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone. I wondered if Mathis felt the same way.
“You make it sound like it’s a lot easier to succeed in other cities,” Marco observed.
Mathis cleared his throat. “Well, I can’t say that it’s any easier in other cities. But when a project fails here . . . Like I said, maybe it’s just because I was raised here, but when things fall apart in this city, it hurts twice as bad.”
I want to go to the circus this weekend.” Paula ran to the drawer to get a spoon and then joined me in tackling a huge bowl of rice pudding.
“I go to the circus every day,” I deadpanned.
“Really? Why don’t you ever take me?” Paula sounded outraged.
“It was a joke, Paula.”
“It wasn’t funny at all,” she pointed out.
“Okay, what does the circus have?”
“You know, clowns and monkeys and camels and stuff.”
I had to grin. I’ve got all that nearly every day, too.
“Is Anneke going?”
“I don’t know. But I want to go to the circus with her. You never do stuff like that with me.” It was true: lately, Paula had been getting the short end of the stick.
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