Carried Forward By Hope

by Ginny Dye

  Janie bit back a groan, praying May would not have to face Clifford’s anger. She knew what he would do to her. She suddenly realized she had made a terrible mistake coming here. All she had done was put her friends in danger. What had she been thinking?

  May pushed her down on Carrie’s bed. “You wait here,” she ordered. “Me and Miles will done take care of things.”

  Janie fought the urge to cry out when May left the room. It would do nothing but increase the danger for them if Clifford heard her and knew she was in the house. She crawled onto Carrie’s bed and huddled up against the headboard, too terrified to think.

  All she could do was tremble uncontrollably when she heard running footsteps on the stairs. Clifford had found her! She gazed wildly at the window, wondering if she would survive a jump — a part of her realizing she hoped she wouldn’t. The courage that had gotten her here had drained away.

  “Janie!”

  Janie gasped with relief and began to sob when Jeremy rushed through the door, his face white with concern. “Jeremy!” she cried.

  Jeremy pulled her tight into his arms and held her while she sobbed. “You’re safe,” he murmured. “You’re safe.”

  Janie finally took a deep breath and pulled back to stare at him, understanding when his eyes sparkled with temper. A brief look in Carrie’s mirror had confirmed her face didn’t look good. “What are you doing here?”

  “Obviously rescuing you,” Jeremy said firmly. He took a deep breath. “Did Clifford do this to you?”

  Janie nodded, her face flaming with humiliation as she looked away.

  Jeremy turned her face back to his. “I’m so sorry, but you have nothing to be ashamed of,” he said softly. “Does he know you’re here?”

  “No, but he will suspect it.” Janie’s voice quavered. “I don’t want to make trouble for anyone,” she gasped. “I just didn’t know what else to do.”

  “You did the exact right thing,” Jeremy assured her.

  “I really must leave here,” Janie insisted. “It won’t be safe for Miles and May if he comes here and suspects they are hiding me.”

  Jeremy frowned. “He knows Miles and May. Why would he want to hurt them?”

  “He has changed,” Janie said bluntly, telling him of the conversation the night before in his office and, more hesitantly, about his hitting her. “That is the first time he has struck me,” she said, “but I had already decided to leave.”

  “Because he has been verbally abusing you,” Jeremy said flatly. “Carrie told me how frightened she has been for you. She is worried sick. Why haven’t you written?”

  “I have!” Janie exclaimed, explaining that the letters had never been allowed to leave Raleigh.

  “So you’ve been a prisoner,” Jeremy said grimly.

  Janie nodded her head in shame. “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Don’t!” Jeremy said sharply.

  Janie’s head jerked up. “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t keep giving him power over you. You know what he did was wrong, don’t you?”

  Janie nodded, her eyes still downcast. “Yes.”

  “You know it took great courage to escape him, don’t you?” Jeremy continued, his voice more gentle.

  Janie looked up at him, relaxing when she saw his warm smile. “I was rather clever,” she replied, a tentative smile flitting across her lips.

  “How did you do it?”

  Janie told him.

  “Mrs. Edward Maxwell?” Jeremy hooted with laughter. “That was brilliant!”

  Janie smiled but twisted her hands, anxiety still knotting her stomach. “He will come here, Jeremy,” she said again.

  “Yes, but I highly doubt he will come today. We will leave for the plantation tomorrow.”

  Hope burst forth in Janie’s heart. “Really? We’re going to the plantation tomorrow?” She knew Clifford might follow her there as well, but it wouldn’t be as easy.

  Jeremy nodded. “I’m here to take care of some things for Abby. I was going to stay longer, but I agree with you that it will be best to leave Richmond.” He told her briefly of the plans to build the factory and also of the impending marriage between Abby and Thomas.

  “How wonderful,” Janie exclaimed, forgetting her fear for a moment. “Carrie must be so happy!”

  “And Robert? Is he better?”

  Jeremy nodded but stood. “We’ll talk tomorrow on the way out to the plantation. If we’re to leave so quickly, there is much I must do.”

  He walked to the top of the stairs and beckoned Miles to join them. “Janie and I will leave for the plantation in the morning.” He made no mention of Janie’s fear that Clifford might harm him and May. Clifford had no way of knowing who might still be in the house. In spite of the man’s growing anger, Jeremy didn’t think he would risk confronting Thomas, or Moses, or himself. Men who beat their wives were basically cowards who ruled by fear. Clifford knew he would have no power here, but Jeremy also knew that wouldn’t alleviate Janie’s fears.

  Jeremy turned back to Janie. “I suspect you are hungry and tired,” he said kindly. “Miles will alert you if Clifford comes, but I truly believe you’re safe here today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I suggest you get some sleep and eat some of May’s cooking.” He stepped aside as May strode into the room with a pan of cool water.

  “You two men get on out of here,” she ordered, her eyes softening when she settled down next to Janie. “I’s going to clean Miss Janie up some so she can get some rest.”

  “Rest, Janie,” Jeremy said. “It may be after dinner when I return. We’ll leave right after breakfast in the morning.”

  He turned back to May. “Could we eat early? Around seven o’clock?” He waited for her nod, gave Janie another gentle smile, and then strode from the room purposefully.

  ******

  “It’s time, Robert,” Amber said firmly. “You and I both know it’s time.”

  Robert gazed at the little girl, bemused by her calm assurance but also aware she was right. The knowledge both encouraged him and shamed him. As he had felt the strength returning to his body, his shame over what he had put Carrie through grew with it. There were days he truly wished he had just withered up and died, but there were other days when he had hope for the future again.

  “Robert?” Amber stood in front of him, her tiny fists planted firmly on her hips. “It’s time.”

  Robert blew out his breath, his heart swelling with love as he looked at Amber’s determined face and shining eyes. She had curled up with him in bed every day for the last month. She said she was reading to him, but he had to interpret many of the words for her — even ones he suspected she already knew. As his brain came back to life, and as his soul responded to her quick laughter and unconditional love, his body began to chafe against his continued inactivity. As laughter, talk, and the sounds of the plantation filtered in through the window, he felt a yearning to be a part of it. He knew it was nothing but fear that was keeping him from moving forward.

  Robert nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said. The very act of saying the simple word seemed to blow a fresh breeze through his soul. He could feel the solid wall of fear dissolving and crumbling away as he made the choice for life.

  “Okay,” he said more firmly, reaching out his hand.

  A bright smile exploded on Amber’s face as she reached forward to take his hand.

  Robert was a little in awe of the power he felt pulsing in her tiny hand.

  Amber nodded, a light smile playing over her lips. “Auntie JoBelle tells me I have the healing touch,” she confided.

  Robert smiled when he thought of the tall, statuesque woman who had convinced Polly he could walk again after his wounds at Antietam had left him paralyzed. She had suggested the warm rags and leg movements that resulted in what he believed was a miracle. It didn’t matter that she was as surprised as anyone when he actually walked again. It had been her belief that made it possible. “I think she’s right,” he managed.

 
; “It ain’t gonna be as hard as you think, Robert,” Amber said confidently.

  “I haven’t walked in almost three months,” Robert reminded her.

  “Nope, you ain’t, but you been moving them legs for the last month,” Amber reminded him with a grin. “Don’t worry. I ain’t told anyone our secret.”

  He had allowed Amber to move his legs, exactly as she helped her mama do two years earlier, but he wouldn’t let her tell anyone. Robert hadn’t wanted to build Carrie’s hopes only to dash them again. His wild wavering from hope to despair was painful enough — he refused to create any more dark shadows in his wife’s beautiful eyes.

  “My mama says I can’t think my way out of being scared,” Amber said. “I just have to go ahead and do the thing I’m scared of.”

  Robert was suddenly curious. “What are you afraid of, Amber?”

  Amber regarded him solemnly. “I’m afraid I can’t get you to walk again,” she admitted. “Carrie loves you a right lot, Robert. She came all the way up to home to get us and bring us back here. That’s a powerful lot of love.”

  Robert’s heart swelled with emotion. Amber was right. He wasn’t going to think his way into walking. He grasped her hand tightly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He knew Amber couldn’t support his weight, so he had asked her to put a sturdy chair beside the bed. He took a deep breath, grasped the back of the chair, and pushed up with his arms.

  He stood.

  “You did it!” Amber cheered, clapping her hand over her mouth, and running to peer out the window to make sure no one else had heard her. “The coast is clear,” she whispered dramatically, her eyes sparkling with fun.

  Robert chuckled and sucked in his breath, realizing his legs felt weak, but they were definitely working. He stood there a few moments and then forced his legs to move, walking to the end of the bed. He grabbed the bedpost when he felt his legs quiver, but they continued to support him. A broad smile exploded on his face. He knew all he needed was time.

  Amber grinned with him. “I done told Moses that we would fix you up, just like we did that night when he brought you to us.”

  It took Robert a moment to understand what she had said. He turned questioning eyes to her just as she slapped her hand across her mouth again.

  “I wasn’t supposed to say nothing about that,” Amber cried. “I just forgot for a bit!” Her eyes were wide with distress. “I told Carrie I was real good at keeping secrets. Now I done told you about it.”

  Robert eased back and sat on the bed, his mind racing. “What are you talking about?”

  Amber just shook her head. “I wasn’t supposed to say nothing!”

  “But you did,” Robert said gently. “Why don’t you go ahead and finish?” He knew he shouldn’t press Amber to reveal a secret she had sworn not to tell, but suddenly he had to know. “Moses saved me at Antietam? How?”

  Amber shrugged reluctantly. “I just knows he found you out on that battlefield. You was about dead. He found Granite too. He didn’t know what else to do with you since you was fighting for the other side, so he brought you to us. He told us to take care of you for Carrie. That was all we knew,” she insisted. “We didn’t even know his name until he brought Carrie back to find us.”

  Robert’s forehead creased in confusion. “But why wouldn’t they want me to know?”

  Amber shook her head. Now that she had revealed her secret, she seemed eager to help him. “I don’t know, Robert. I heard them talking about it one night when we was coming here. Carrie said there was more you needed to know, but that she wanted to tell you all at one time.” She frowned. “I guess I messed it up,” she said sadly. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” Robert responded quickly. “Maybe it’s best I know so that I’m not caught completely by surprise.”

  “Could you maybe act like you’re surprised?” Amber asked hopefully.

  Robert laughed and nodded. Suddenly he was eager to enter the land of the living again. He reached for the back of the chair and stood, willing strength into his legs.

  ******

  Janie laughed with delight when she saw Spencer sitting in the carriage in front of the house as they walked out onto the porch the next morning. “Spencer!”

  “How’do, Miss Janie,” Spencer responded, a broad smile lighting his face. “It be real good to see you again.”

  Janie knew Jeremy had already spoken to him when he didn’t ask about Clifford. She was grateful she didn’t have to talk about it. In spite of her fears, she had slept soundly in Carrie’s bed, and May had already shoved enough food in her to make up for many weeks of not being able to swallow a bite.

  “I hear we be headin’ out to Cromwell Plantation,” Spencer said. “I be right glad to finally see that place after hearing so much about it.”

  “It’s even more beautiful than you can imagine,” Janie said. In spite of her determination not to, she peered down the road, still expecting Clifford to appear at any moment.

  “Why don’t you climb on in, Miss Janie?” Spencer said. He looked around. “Ain’t you got a bag?”

  Janie just shook her head. She knew Carrie would let her borrow some clothes until she could get more of her own, though how she was going to earn money to do that, she had no idea. Panic welled in her again as the grim reality of her situation taunted her. She swallowed hard as feelings of shame and stupidity swamped her.

  “Don’t be listening to them voices,” Spencer advised softly.

  Janie stared at him.

  “I recognize that look,” he said. “My daddy used to beat on my mama. He beat on her with his words, and he beat on her with his fists. It got to where Mama just disappeared into her pain. She tried to escape sometimes, but the feelings he done put into her made her too ashamed,” Spencer growled. “My mama done just folded up and died when I turned fifteen.”

  Janie laid a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.”

  Spencer nodded and gripped her hand tightly with his own. “I’m telling you this ‘cause you escaped. You done did the hard part. Them words Clifford put in your head ain’t nothin’ but lies. You be one of the finest women I know, Miss Janie. Mr. Clifford ain’t worth nothing. You remember that!”

  Janie’s eyes flooded with tears. “Thank you,” she whispered. She reached up to touch his cheek. “Thank you so much…”

  Jeremy finished strapping bags into the back and swung up next to them. “Let’s go, Spencer. They are expecting us. We should be right on time.”

  “Who is expecting us?” Janie asked, breathing easier as they drew further away from the house. Clifford might come looking, but it was going to be much more difficult to find her.

  “That’s what I didn’t have time to tell you yesterday,” Jeremy answered. “I came to Richmond partly to handle some things for the factory, and partly to take care of an investment Abby has made.”

  “A rather large investment,” Spencer chuckled.

  “I think I would rather you see it for yourself,” Jeremy said as he looked at Janie, his eyes dancing with fun. “I’ll even let you have first choice.”

  Janie stared at him. “First choice of what?”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Robert was sitting up in bed when Carrie brought lunch to him. She stared at him, encouraged by the light in his eyes. “Hello, dear,” she said lightly.

  “Can you forgive me?” Robert asked hoarsely.

  Carrie placed the tray down and settled beside him on the bed. Though there had been no intimacy, she had slept with Robert every night since her conversation with Abby by the river. It seemed to give him comfort, and it had done much to lessen the ache in her own heart. “Forgive you?”

  Robert nodded. “I never understood people who could just give up on life,” he said slowly. “I never understood a level of pain that made them close their hearts and minds to anything and everything. I thought it was just a sign of weakness.” He paused.

  “And now you don’t?”

  Robert shrugg
ed. “I suppose I still think it’s a sign of weakness, but I also have a better understanding of how pain can suck the life from you. People just get to the point where they can’t endure one more thing. Rather than risk more pain, they simply shut down.”

  “Like you have,” Carrie said gently.

  Robert flushed with embarrassment and raised his eyes. “Yes,” he replied. “Like I have.”

  “And now?” Carrie asked, allowing herself to feel hope but also tempering it with caution. She had felt hope before — making it all the more difficult when Robert simply slid back into the darkness.

  “And now I want to join the living again,” Robert said firmly. “I also hope you can forgive me.”

  Carrie shook her head. “There is nothing to forgive you for,” she said quickly.

  “You and I both know that’s not true,” Robert said firmly.

  “You were not responsible for becoming so ill,” Carrie insisted.

  “No, I wasn’t,” Robert agreed, “but I made a choice every time I kept my eyes closed when you were in the room. Or every time I refused to speak to you, or to anyone. I made a choice when I wouldn’t eat. I chose to escape into sleep and oblivion.”

  Carrie gazed into his eyes burdened with regret. “I forgive you,” she said firmly. She had released her resentment months ago, and he didn’t need the burden of regret as he struggled to become strong again.

  “Can you really?” Robert persisted. “I know how very difficult it’s been for you. You thought life would be better when the war ended. Suddenly you were saddled with a husband who had no desire to live. I know you came out to the plantation for me. You went to Maryland to bring Amber back…”

  “Which was evidently the best decision I have ever made,” Carrie said gladly, joy beginning to spark in her heart. “That little girl is a miracle worker.”

  Robert nodded. “I’m truly sorry, Carrie. It will take me time to get my strength back, but I want to be your husband again.”