by N. K. Love
Jax squeezes the grip on my hips tighter as if he’s joining me in our own internal battles. He slides his hands around to the tops of my thighs. I tense up and squeeze my legs together with his thumbs trapped between them. He looks back up to my face. “—you’re blushing, you’re clenching your legs to stop them from wrapping around me—” He puts two fingers on my neck and returns them to my thigh. “—your heart is racing and your mouth is remembering what it felt like to kiss me—” I lick my lips and swallow hard. Damn my treacherous mouth!
I’m telling myself that I can’t trust my fickle body and that I need to stay true to what I’d decided when I was in the right frame of mind—and not the lubricated horny little mess that I’ve just become.
It’s like having sunshine and rain at the same time but where is the rainbow that tells me everything’s going to be alright?
Jax leans his face so that we’re almost touching, my body is screaming for him to take control. I’m aching all over again, but for much different reasons than I was this morning.
“So what am I supposed to do B? You need to tell me because I’m trying—but I can’t figure you out.”
I open my mouth wider to speak but I’m still caught in a battle of wills; talk to him or run from him. There’s no question about it, my one night stand knocked my confidence; I wanted him to ravish me not just opt for a fumble and a crap quickie. And that was Steve, who is absolutely nothing in comparison to the man standing before me now. This man can turn me into an incoherent mess by walking into a room wearing a vest and joggers for fucks sake!
Jax moves his parted lips onto mine but I can tell he isn’t going to kiss me. It’s like he is testing my reactions, trying to find the answers he can’t fathom out for himself.
I close my eyes because I can’t take the intensity of his piercing tropical greens as well as his touch. He moves his head slowly left and right, left and right, stroking his lips across mine. He whispers my name willing for me to respond. I’m frozen to the spot even though his tender soft lips are absolutely melting me from the inside out.
I need to woman up and pull myself together here. Everything was fine ten minutes ago and now I’m a state. I open my eyes, aware that I need to say something, anything. I’m not going to jeopardise whatever it is that Jax and I have going on by fucking him before I’m ready and fucking it all up.
He leans back when I still don’t respond and says with more conviction, “Beth, I swear I won’t touch you again—I don’t do chasing, so this is it for me. I’m not jumping through any more hoops.”
Feeling a little vulnerable because I’m confused. I think my self-esteem has been trampled on enough lately; so Jax and his army boots need to stay back. I did put Jax on pause for a reason and all this proves that it’s too much for me. I can clear this up without lying, I don’t have to divulge the reasons behind my decision.
“Jax—” He watches me intently and I clear my throat. “—you have this effect on me because I find your presence overwhelming sometimes. You’re a pretty intense guy but I’m sure you already know that.” He moves his hands and takes a step back. I feel my control coming back as I regain my personal space and his intensity deflates. “I’m sorry I’ve messed with your head but we did agree to try and find a middle ground. You said; I quote ‘Flirting – Yes, Fucking – No’.... I know you’re used to getting what you want when it comes to girls but I’m not trying to play those sort of games with you… Hold on, you didn’t invite me to stay because you thought I was fair game or that you’d be able to—”
Jax steps back again with his hands raised this time. “Whoa—no I fucking didn’t. Thanks Beth. Is that what you think of me?” Oh no. “The very fact that you’ve just said that, says far more about you than you think it says about me—” Jax starts rubbing his head in frustration. “Don’t you think if I fancied a fuck I could fuck off and find a girl that’s more than willing?” Shit, he’s angry and backs away from me further. I can’t believe I’ve managed to offend him with my careless babbling. “You might not think you’re playing games but you’re sending mixed messages left right and centre Beth and it’s getting fucking tedious.” He walks to the doorway, takes a deep breath and adds with a softer tone, “But that’s cool, I’ve heard you loud and clear now babe. Goodnight.” Off he storms, down the hallway.
I slide off the work surface and half-heartedly call after him, knowing he’s too frustrated and stubborn to let me say any more. Fuck. That was totally my fault. I didn’t handle that situation well at all.
Babe? It may be a term of endearment for some but it sounded awful coming from Jax. Not like the warm way he calls me Angel. Should I go after him? Try to make it better before it gets awkward. It’s probably too late for that.
Now I’m staying in his house and I’ve created the kind of tension I was trying to avoid. This was a bad idea. Powerful Jax means business. Miss Alter Ego has locked herself away, annoyed that I held back tonight. The supportive Miss Sensible reminds be to look on the bright side; he won’t be putting you in intense positions on the kitchen surface that nearly scare you into spontaneous orgasm anymore… Ookay, that doesn’t sound very bright at the moment, but it will do after a good sleep… Maybe.
Chapter Eight
Sunday 12th April 2015
It’s a beautiful day, aside from the eerie silent aftermath of last night.
When I plucked up the courage to come downstairs Jax was in the yard, taking his frustrations out on the wooden logs he was chopping. After having the audacity to drool over him, topless, sweating and skilfully wielding an axe, I spent the rest of the day mulling around inside and out, basically wherever Jax wasn’t.
I considered calling a taxi and going back to Wills’ but that would only drive a bigger wedge between us and they’d be less chance of us reconciling.
I’ve given him space but I know I owe him a massive apology. My fuck up was suggesting he only invited me to stay either because he thought I was up for it or so that he could take advantage of me. That was so out of order and I never once believed it so God knows why I said it. I cringe when I recall it, what an idiot. He is totally right, I have inadvertently done nothing but given him mixed messages.
This afternoon, I went for a long slow walk around his land, clearing my head and gaining some much needed clarity. I’ve decided I need to stop with the deception and come clean. I enjoy talking freely with him about everything else so this definitely needs to happen sooner rather than later. He probably already thinks I’m a complete idiot so what harm can it do other than embarrass me?
I want him to know what’s been going on in my mind and hopefully he’ll understand where my head’s been at. I vow to talk to him tonight and get everything out in the open.
Jax
I didn’t sleep again last night. In the early hours I went onto the balcony, lay back in the lounger under the stars for hours reminiscing, dragging up the past, thinking about the here and now, thinking about the future. Eventually I got to watch the sunrise chase away the darkness, the shadows I find myself comforted by.
Why did I corner Beth in the kitchen like that? Her eyes were full of angst but I thought I needed to know what she actually wants. I’ve managed to hold down my many urges to make a move on her, out of respect for her. It seemed obvious to me last night that she was fighting against something. But apparently I’ve misjudged it. She eventually told me that she’s overwhelmed by me sometimes and went on to suggest that I had an ulterior motive for wanting her to stay here.
I’m angrier at myself for chasing her again. Why didn’t I stick to my guns? I said I wouldn’t make another move; now I have. I was so sure the sexual attraction was reciprocated but I guess it was just the power of mine reflecting off her radiant skin.
Fuck! What am I talking about?
I need to get laid. I need to get rid of all this pent up sexual frustration. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the space if I go out tonight anyway. Yes, that’s what it is. I need to
unload. It’s been far too long since I emptied my sack and the build-up of testosterone must be messing with my judgement.
By the afternoon I became more rational. I watched her walking over the fields, wondering what she was thinking, how she was feeling; sad, lost, alone? She’s a good girl who is going through a shitty time, so when I practically pounced on her last night… Well, I shouldn’t have done that and I can understand why she’d think I may have an ulterior motive for her being here. My reputation no doubt still proceeds me.
Beth has just split up from her cheating husband and wants to live a stress-free, fun, life for a while. I won’t get in her way again. I think I need to just avoid her for a day or so then this’ll blow over and I can get back to having a laugh with her and enjoying her company again.
I make a few calls and arrange to see Craig, Andy and a few others at a place we know that’s decent on a Sunday. I will definitely be drinking so I call and book a taxi. By the time I’ve showered, put some jeans and a shirt on, I get a call from the car firm confirming my driver is waiting behind the gate at the bottom of the driveway as instructed.
9:09pm
When we meet up I chat mainly to Craig but he doesn’t try to pry into why I’m not going to be in work next week. I know it’ll raise eyebrows because I never take time off, which is another reason why I’ve no qualms about doing it now, 24/7 owes me. I make it obvious that I just want to get wasted and pull.
I get started on the getting wasted part by downing a few pints but the pulling is proving to be annoyingly uninspiring. We’ve spoken to a few groups of girls and the girls from the gym have bought along a couple of their fit mates too. But my mind keeps wandering back to her.
When I left, Beth was sitting in the garden, on an old oak bench that I made last year. She was sitting, hugging her knees, holding a cup of coffee to her cheek, looking out at the fields. She looked deep in thought. I didn’t want to disturb her so I left a note that said ‘I’ve gone out’. We haven’t spoken all day, so in hindsight—that was a dick move.
It’s only her second night at mine and I left her alone last night too. I hope she feels safe. I’d double checked all access points as normal. Everywhere is completely locked up and secure so there’s only the side door that’ll need locking and she knows all the system codes.
I suppose my place can be pretty daunting at night. What if she’s sat out there for ages and then wanders in expecting to find me there, sees the note and freaks out? What if she has an accident? Or worse, what if something does happen, she’s only got one good hand for fucks sake? Maybe I should call her, or text. God, she’s told me how neurotic she can be and now I’m the one over questioning things. She’s smart, she’ll be fine.
All of this is going on in my head whilst I’m leaning up the wall with a tall leggy brunette trying all her best moves, to no avail. I’m unresponsive to her obvious take-me-now body language. My aloof attitude doesn’t discourage her though. If anything she sees it as a challenge and tries harder. I know I’d be outside here and inside her by now on a normal night – on a pre-Beth night.
This woman’s endless legs do present many possibilities… but I’m just thinking that she hasn’t said one interesting thing to me yet or made me laugh. I doubt her insipid mouth has anything intelligent or witty to say.
The boys have moved away, obviously thinking I’m onto a sure thing. Now we’re alone she puts her back to the room and strokes her hand up my leg and my well trained cock twitches in response. She goes to move further up but I can’t do this so push off the wall and move her hand away. “Maybe some other time yeah.”
Once my mind is made up, I can’t get out the place quick enough. I call a taxi and go home, barely buzzed.
On the silent journey back I check my phone and find a message from Beth from earlier this evening: I’m going to bed.
The taxi drops me off at the bottom of the driveway. There’s a chill in the air tonight. When I get in the house I disarm the alarm, which covers the entire downstairs and outbuildings. Throwing my keys in the marble bowl, I kick off my shoes and hang up my jacket.
After a quick trip to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, I reset the alarm and climb the stairs wanting the comfort of my bed. Pulling my phone out my pocket I fire Beth a quick text, just so I know for sure she’s okay.
U ok?
It’s after 11pm so there’s a chance she’s asleep, especially if she’s had a drink.
Yeah.
There. She’s fine. Nothing to worry about. I’m relieved but the fact that she makes me feel like this means we need to talk and clear the air.
I went out to get laid but didn’t, which means I’m more frustrated than I was before I left. There’s only one solution and that’s to take matters into my own hands. I choose a decent porno, throw my socks in the laundry basket and lie on the bed on top of the covers. My plasma is on the wall in front of the bed with speakers in each corner. Beth’s room is at the other end of the hallway, far out of earshot, but I refrain from cranking up the volume as loud as I usually have it when I want to drain out the world.
Beth
I’m so glad he is back. I’ve been spooking myself out since I found his note and realised I was home alone. Being downstairs just made me feel exposed; like a lobster in a tank waiting to be selected for the kill. Jeez, that sounds so melodramatic but that’s the love child that overthinking and being alone gives you.
So I pretty much set the house alarm—after checking all the doors and windows twice—and came straight upstairs. I’ve been listening out for him ever since. Lobsters must have supersonic hearing because I’ve been hearing all sorts of noises, creeping me out and testing my sanity. I’m such a wimp.
Eventually I swallowed my pride and sent Jax a casual message in the hope that he’d reply to say when he’d be home, but he didn’t. I did feel safer upstairs though. I had a bath and got ready for bed. After losing myself by writing a poem on my phone to kill more time, I felt instant relief when I heard him come in. Shortly afterwards, he text asking if I’m okay and I am going to treat that as his olive branch.
Anyway, I’ve got to bite the bullet because I really don’t want another day like today; having him nearby but not talking. No, I need to talk to him tonight. So before I change my mind I climb out of bed and walk down the hallway to his bedroom.
I reach his closed bedroom door and my toes sink into his gorgeous thick pile carpet. I feel a little nervous. Then just as my knuckles are about to rap on the door I hear the sounds of a girl. Oh fuck, he’s bought a girl home. Why didn’t that possibility even cross my stupid mind?
There’s no doubt about it, she sounds like she’s being well and truly fucked. I manage to take the force from my fist so I didn’t knock properly but I still made contact with the door. Fuckity, fuck, fuck.
I make haste, turn and tread quickly but silently back down the hall. The girl shuts up and I hear his door open. Ground swallow me up now… Oh God.
“B?” Shhhhit, how embarrassing. He’s fucking caught me catching him fucking. I want to curl up into a ball on the floor and pretend this isn’t happening. I can’t turn around, I can’t see him. He was probably naked and he’s had to cover himself up. Mmm. He is fucking a girl in his room – lucky girl – and I’ve disturbed him. I contemplate running to my room but that’d be even more cringeworthy, so I come to a standstill. Dammit!
“S-sorry—sorry G… um… I mean Jax, Jaxson. I was coming to talk… um… oh just ignore me—” Great, I literally cannot speak.
“Watsup, did I wake you? We can talk if you want B… B, turn around, what’s going on?” I slowly turn around to look at him, he is leaning up the corner of the wall by his door. Fully clothed too. Eh? I must look so flustered and I know he can see me blushing.
“Nothing, sorry. I just didn’t realise you were… you know… busy.” I nod towards his room.
“Oooooh, what? You think I’m embarrassed?” He looks amused. “Look—af
ter last night—it’s not like I’m gonna suggest you come and join me so don’t look so worried. We can still talk though, if you want to?” He looks genuine, sincere even.
My mouth is gaping, I’m stunned. I’ve gone from feeling mortified to furious. The cheek of him. That poor girl in there must feel like a used piece of meat. She can probably hear him. “What planet are you actually on Jax? ‘Come and join you,’ are you kidding me? You’re un-fuckin’-believable.” Folding my arms across my chest. “You—you fuck girls for fun, probably thousands of them, every which way possible, I doubt you’ve got any room on your bedposts left to mark notches on. Tell me—how long do you remember their names for? Or don’t you bother with such formalities—Angel?” Ouch.
Jeez, I’m raging and he is just standing there, he looks confused but he’s just taking it and that pisses me off even more. He mirrors my defensive stance so I continue. “So what is this? A standard night at Jaxson’s or is it because I said ‘no’ so you bring a girl back to try and rub it in my face—show me what I’m missing? It wouldn’t surprise me if there’s more than one in there. Arrrgh!” I throw my hands back out to my sides and turn back towards my room to stomp off.