by N. K. Love
Obviously my mouth has other ideas because I find myself spinning back to deliver one more point. “You see, this is exactly why I could never go near you. When it comes to sex, we are polar opposites…”
I see now that Jax’s expression has gone from confused to smug and it makes me want to punch him! He clears the distance between us in a couple of strides, bends and effortlessly scoops me up over his left shoulder. I scream and try to hit him, which is like connecting with a brick wall.
“Put-me-down-Jax-what-the-hell-are-you-doing?” Jax takes me into his bedroom and I close my eyes, not wanting to see what’s going on in here. “Get me out of here you lunatic!”
He completely ignores me and carefully cradles my back to lie me down across the width of the bed and tells me to open my eyes.
It’s silent accept for the sound of his overhead fan whirring and the tick-tock of his bedside clock. It also smells fresh—not how I would—okay, I have—imagined steamy sex with Jax to be. I slowly squint open one eye and see him hovering over me with his fists either side of my head. I can’t admire the view just yet, so I park it. He smiles and nods his head towards the TV. I look over and see lots of flesh and a pause button on the screen. It takes me a few seconds for all the pieces to fit into place…
Nooooooooo! I raise my forearm and bury my face in my elbow. I thought I felt mortified in the hallway but this—this is far worse.
“Shit—” What am I supposed to say now? “—shit. I’m so sorry G… How fucking embarrassing… And I’m sorry for what I said, it was really out of order. What you do is your business…” My blithering mouth still harps on, but this time out of humiliation not anger. I have to bite my lips together to shut myself up.
I move my arm away to face the music. My ‘parked’ view takes full effect. I’ve freed up my nostrils to inhale the familiar intoxicating Jax scent mixed with alcohol. I have really missed him today. His position is so dominant, in control and a massive turn on. I’d be forgiven for feeling panicked because his frame is overpowering but I’m anything but, I feel at ease. I feel as though this is where I belong, where I want to be, absolutely surrounded by him…
Meanwhile Jax can’t hold in his laughter any more. He finds the whole mix-up hilarious. Laughing, he dips his forehead down to rest on my tummy sending shockwaves to the tips of my toes. His mouth vibrating across my torso.
Jax lifts his head back up with a familiar devilish look on his face. “Don’t apologise B. It’s about time you got that off this incredible chest of yours…” Flicking his eyes down making it obvious he’s noticed I haven’t got a bra on. Dammit. He shows no mercy to my vulnerable position so I swiftly fold my arms across my chest. “Now then, if you’d care to expand on the reasons you could never go near me part…”
I shake my head but at least now I’m smiling. “I think I’ve probably overstepped the mark already tonight. It’s becoming somewhat of a bad habit of mine… I was just coming to talk things over but let’s put a pin in that ‘til tomorrow.”
I tense to get up but he doesn’t budge.
“Actually, I’d rather pin you down if it means we can sort this out… Look if you came here to talk, let’s do it. I can tease you about this misunderstanding another time, I promise.”
Grabbing the remote, he turns the television off and moves to lie on his side next to me, propping his head up with his hand.
I did rush out of my room without paying much thought to it and now I feel exposed in what I’m wearing; coral pink shorts with an oversized white tee, that’s ridden up my midriff and yeah—no bra. I took my bra off to sleep last night and couldn’t fasten a new one on today. So I’ve been rocking it braless all day. Wills can pull it off but not me, my unruly tits get in the way and need taming with a bra.
“Really, even after I’ve offended you again, you don’t mind?” He nods, looking intrigued. “Okay but if we’re going to do this I could do with a drink, especially now! And I need a quick favour first...” I retreat to my bedroom, grab my bra and go back to his room where he’s now sitting on the edge of the bed. “Close your eyes a sec please.”
He looks down at the bra in my hand and laughs. “Not again—I’ve told you, I’m not used to putting those things on you know, I’m usually the one ripping them off.”
He rolls his eyes and then closes them. God he looks so lovely. I want to run my hand over his shaved head and feel the blunt hairs tickling my palm. I whip off my tee, quickly put my arms through the loops of the bra and pull it into place. I stand in front of him
“Keep your eyes closed this time please, I haven’t got my top on… Here…”
I take his hand, turn back around and put it on my bra clasp. Jax manages to do it blind so I slip my top back on. As we go downstairs I struggle to put my hair back into a ponytail. We’re halfway down the stairs and Jax takes over deftly achieving a tight ponytail in seconds.
I smooth my hair and squeeze the band, impressed. “Thank you. Jack of all trades huh?”
“I prefer ‘Jax of all trades’. It has been said that I’m very good with my hands.”
“And so modest too.” I add in a tone that’s dripping with sarcasm.
Jax turns the alarm off at the bottom of the staircase and I make myself comfy cross-legged in the middle of his extra-large sofa. I decide on vodka as it’s getting late so I need my tongue to loosen quickly. Jax goes to grab the bottle out the freezer, returning with a couple of shot glasses. He puts the bottle and glasses on the table and sits beside me on the sofa.
After our first shot we get to talking and both end up apologising for the parts we played last night; both trying to take responsibility ourselves. He tells me about going for a drink and blames me, in jest, for dumping the vagina-on-a-plate because he was worried about me. I’m patently relieved that he didn’t do anything with her and pleased he was thinking about me instead. Even though I know this possessive reaction is unjustified, I don’t care. Miss Sensible is whispering about a scary thriller novel I read recently based on a psycho with the ‘If I can’t have you, nobody will…’ attitude but subconsciously I’ve got my fingers in my ears childishly saying ‘Laa, laa, la, laa, la’.
Our conversation soon leads to my little faux pas upstairs. Thankfully, we can both laugh about it.
I don’t know how he does it but, just like when he was towering over on his bed, he makes me feel so at ease with him… with myself. I’ve got a feeling he’s only killing time though because whilst we’ve been talking we’ve both downed more shots. My anxiousness starts to fade and my mood feels lifted as the alcohol makes its way through my bloodstream.
“You ready to spill yet Angel, if I can still call you that? I know a drink helps to bring down your guard… Oh and anger, apparently anger has that affect too.”
He smiles, referring to me running my mouth, going apeshit crazy in the hallway earlier.
“I’m sorry about the Angel thing too. In all honesty… God this is pathetic but… I love it when you call me Angel. I always have, even though you—”
“—wait. Firstly it isn’t pathetic and secondly, I don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Call anybody else Angel. Only you.”
“Really? God now I really really love it.” Did I just say that out loud? Goddam vodka. “I’ve missed talking to you today. It was scary when you weren’t here earlier. Last night was different because I knew when you were coming home but tonight, I didn’t—”
“—I know, I know, I’m sorry.”
“Jax, seriously, these windows let in beautiful views by day but I swear down they are scenes of a horror film by night. So spooky, I scared myself sick.”
“I’m just used to it and I didn’t think until I was out, I told you, that’s why I came home… Anyway, don’t try and distract me. Come on, talk to me B, please.”
He adjusts his position so that he is facing me on the sofa with his back against the armrest, one bare foot behind my back, one on the floor. I pour us
another shot, drink mine and pass him his. I go back to sitting cross-legged but swivel so I’m facing him too.
Deep breath, honesty is the best policy.
“Okay, but can you just let me talk for a bit please, no interruptions?”
“Of course.”
He drinks his shot and puts his glass down, which looks suffocated by his muscular hands. He leans back, putting his arm along the back of the sofa. It’s like he’s settling in for a bedtime story…
Once upon a time in a faraway land called Separation Valley, there lived a boring girl who was terribly lost. She wandered around the land exploring, trying to find herself. One night a mysterious stranger passed through the valley, he was a powerful gladiator who concealed a magical wand. He met the unsuspecting girl and used this wand to cast a sexual curse on her. Meanwhile, Steveiad, the village idiot continued his quest to find the seemingly elusive precious G-spot…
Stop stalling Beth. Let’s go…
“This is a conversation I didn’t ever think I’d be having with you G… I’ve never known anybody like you before. If I’m honest, the effect you’ve had on me from day one has had me captivated. As you know, I’ve been trying my best to stop overthinking situations, just to go with the flow. Well, it’s proving to be a bit of a roller-coaster so far but mainly ups; including you. That day I saw you in the gym I was dumbfounded. I can’t explain it all but one things for sure, I was so attracted to you.”
Blurgh… Cringe City. I can’t bring myself to say it how it is; I wanted you to fuck the living daylights out of me. Or something along those filthy lines… No, let’s try and stick to civil, I’ve asked him not to interrupt but I can’t even tell from his body language what he’s thinking so far. I continue, almost crossing my fingers in the hope that he’ll understand my perspective.
“Then when I met you and you were so open; the way you talked to me, your approach to sex and your intensity. It was just foreign to me, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve never just ‘fucked’ somebody before. So with you, I know I’m out of my depth and that scares me... Actually I think the term I came up with was that it’d be ‘sexual suicide’ for me to even attempt it.”
I laugh a little, which creates a tumbleweed-in-the-desert kind of vibe. Jax is looking down so I can’t see his expression but that actually makes it easier to continue.
“Mike was my first, you know—and in case you hadn’t figured it out by now, let’s just say, I’m not very… sexperienced… Well anyway, denying myself by denying you, has ultimately all been in the name of self-preservation. It’s my fucked up way of trying to protect myself from damaging my self-esteem again, knocking my confidence...”
Or crushing my heart…
Jax isn’t making me feel awkward in the slightest but hearing myself say these things aloud has me plaiting and twisting my fingers in my lap. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’ve done the right thing. Once I tell him about the list, it’ll all be out there, free for him to cast judgement on—or not.
“So-o, I’d put together a ‘Fuck It’ list with Wills of things for me to do to help let go of my inhibitions and try out new things, have some carefree fun. I decided that by the time I’ve finished my list I’ll be more experienced and hopefully have a lot more confidence in that department. Then maybe I could handle myself in the bedroom with somebody like you. But until then, just like your special DVD, I’ve hit the pause button…”
As he still isn’t looking at me, my words wander off on their own accord.
“I’d love to know how to truly please a real man, not just my dickhead ex!” I’m digressing so rein myself in. Jax is still looking down, I’ve been completely honest with him. I’ve no idea how he is going to react… “So-o, now you know where these mixed messages have come from—aaand I think after those confessions, I need another drink… Jax?”
Now he is rubbing his head, keeping me in suspense.
“Hold on B, gimme a minute. That’s a lot to try and digest.”
I pour us another shot but leave his on the table, get up and walk over to the window, noting the extra sway in my alcohol infused steps. Hmm maybe I should show him the list so he can see it’s not that bad. I don’t want him thinking it’s all orgies and double penetration!
“Back in a sec.”
I down my shot, put my glass beside his and go upstairs to grab my phone. I know I’ve had a drink, which helps, but I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, even without hearing his response. Everything’s out in the open including the list, I feel cleansed. I don’t have to trip over my words or carry on making a fool out of myself trying to find this imaginary middle ground with him when he doesn’t have a clue why.
When I get back to the living area, I see he hasn’t moved. Maybe I’ve offloaded and burdened him. I just want to hear what he’s got to say. I put my phone on the table and return to my position on the sofa.
“Well? It’s your turn to speak to me now… Don’t leave me hanging—Jax.”
He leans over and drinks his shot. Then puts his other foot onto the sofa so that there’s one either side of me. Is he deliberately trapping me in so that he can give me an earful?
“Well some things make sense now but I’m still confused. You’re right when you say that we’re very different. Not necessarily polar opposites but haven’t you heard that opposites do attract? You’ve just come out of a long term relationship and I don’t do relationships, full stop. You’ve been with one person and I’ve been with—lots. So fucking what!? How can you say that you’re trying to live in the moment when you’re still fighting against your instincts when it comes to me? Right now, they’re probably telling you to jump my bones but you won’t… So you are overthinking things, talking about ‘handling yourself in the bedroom’ with someone like me? Sex is sex, it’s simple.”
“Maybe for you it is but—”
“—Angel, if you wanna fuck me, doesn’t that show you I’m what you need not what you should be protecting yourself from? Why are you stressing and overcomplicating this?”
Oookay, I think I was expecting more of a there-there-poor-little-frigid-girl-have-a-sympathetic-hug, response. Not some sort of carnal barrage. He’s thrown me off guard and I have no answers so I go down the tit for tat route. “F.Y.I – I’ve been with two people now—” Not that that’s anything to brag about. God I’m an idiot and now I’m blushing and I already know I’m going to waffle before it’s even out of my mouth. “—but considering I think I only actually took off my shoes—well, it was shockingly shit.” Shut up Beth “And I didn’t even come—” Shut the fuck up Bethany. “—sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Anyway—the point is—in answer to your questions. I wanted to fuck him and that didn’t turn out to be what I needed, so why should it be different with you?”
Ha, excellent point, well made, Bethany! Great comeback!
“So when you looked at this puppet, you felt the same as you do right now, when you look at me? And when you kissed him, did it make you feel the same as it did when we kissed?”
I did think after kissing Jax that he felt that special connection between us too—that it wasn’t just a kiss. Does he feel about me the way I feel about him when I look at him, or walk into the same room as him or accidentally brush by him? Not just the crazy sexual attraction but the other unexplainable terrifying attraction that I feel too…
I shake my head cautiously to his point, also well made. Jax starts shaking his head too but it appears to be more out of frustration.
“Beth, what are you doing and where’s this fucking Fucking List?”
I clear my throat to try and kick-start my composure and banish any more truant thoughts.
“It’s Fuck It list—and it’s not just sex stuff.” As I reach for my phone I mentally count what I’ve crossed off; Handjob, Sexting, Kissing Katie, Lap dance, Strip show and Hitting Mike. “I’ve done six so far,” I boast. “Two with you actually!”
I swipe to th
e app and pass it to him.
Fuck It List
1. Blowjob
2. Handjob
3. Cunnilingus
4. Sex in a workplace
5. Sex in a car
6. Sex in the shower
7. Multiple orgasm
8. Get a tattoo
9. Get a piercing
10. Sex on the beach
11. Phone sex
12. Cybersex / Sexting
13. Tantric sex
14. Get stoned
15. Use food / ice sexually
16. 69
17. Kiss a girl
18. Tie somebody up