Dirty Angel (The List #2)

by N. K. Love

  It reminds me to go into my app and update my list. I cast my eyes over the remaining items.

  Fuck It List

  1. Blowjob

  2. Handjob

  3. Cunnilingus

  4. Sex in a workplace

  5. Sex in a car

  6. Sex in the shower

  7. Multiple orgasm

  8. Get a tattoo

  9. Get a piercing

  10. Sex on the beach

  11. Phone sex

  12. Cybersex / Sexting

  13. Tantric sex

  14. Get stoned

  15. Use food / ice sexually

  16. 69

  17. Kiss a girl

  18. Tie somebody up

  19. Be tied up

  20. Watch a porno alone

  21. Watch a porno with a partner

  22. Do a lap dance

  23. Do a strip tease

  24. Sexual role-play

  25. Make a sex tape

  26. Sex outdoors

  27. Go to strip show / live sex show

  28. Be spanked

  29. Hit somebody

  30. Kinky sex

  Most of what’s remaining are supposed to be carried out with Jax now, which as I imagine it, I find still makes me horny and happy, even under the circumstances.

  For somebody who has given me so much, he is still closed off. I’m not sure if tonight has helped or hindered the situation between us because I’m still confused. His answers to my questions have just created more questions.

  I make my way out to the gym floor and head straight upstairs to my favourite treadmill that’s overlooking as much of the gym as possible.

  I drop my locker key, towel and water nearby and stretch off beside the treadmill. There are three lads, I'd say aged around 20-25, upstairs with me in the free weights section. They’re frames tell me that they probably train here when it’s dead with the aspiration to bulk up and handle themselves with the big guns when it’s busy. I spot a group of older gentleman rotating leisurely around the circuit equipment downstairs and imagine that they’ve escaped their nagging wives. There’s no women here but there's plenty of security cameras and the guard on the door, so I don't feel unsafe. Plus the codes to access male/female changing rooms give me extra peace of mind.

  Stepping onto the treadmill, I put in my earphones, check my phone—no missed calls or messages—so I find my current running playlist and hit ‘play’. Turning the volume up to the max, I drown out everything else. “Trouble” by Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson slaps a smile on my face. The opening lyrics are laughable considering my current situation. Trouble is I’ve had my test drive and it’s decision time.

  Setting up a challenging pre-programmed schedule, it’s time to run. Although I’m not quite sure if I’m running away or trying to keep up with myself right now—poetic… But I’ll contemplate that another time. There’s more pressing issues on my mind that can’t wait.

  How did I get from being the kind of girl who thought coming twice was considered mind blowing sex, to the kind of girl who ties up and blindfolds a beast like Jaxson, sucks the life out of his manhood, then stands outside, bold as brass, toking on a spliff… That, incidentally, was rolled by a girl she’d also kissed.

  Oh how my life has changed… Changed for the better—and forever. On the face of it I’ve always been a good girl, or an angel as Jax says. But when he found me—and I do believe that he did find me—he made me feel like I belonged. I’m not even sure that makes sense because I don’t belong to him or with him. He released my hidden sexual depths and bought out the dirty in me and I love it.

  It worries me that I can’t imagine being this way with another man; so content, carefree and liberated.

  Well, as it stands, I don’t need to worry about that for a while due to our sexclusive status. I don’t want to fall into past behaviours of brushing things that I find difficult to face under the carpet. But this is not the same as my marriage problems. This time I’m acknowledging and accepting, not denying and pretending. One day Jax and I will go our separate ways and I will deal with it when I have to.

  A few miles in to my run and this is exactly what I need. Running to my music is like therapy for me. No matter how I'm feeling, as soon as I'm a mile or two in and I've established my rhythm, I can think more rationally. The pace pushes away the irrelevant things so that I can focus on what really matters.

  I know Jax can be dominant and he has got the ability to be aggressive and dangerous. But I also see past the bravado, I see him and know he is caring and has a special soft side, especially when it concerns me. He would never hurt me intentionally so that’s not even an issue.

  It did somehow reassure me when he said that he doesn't hurt anybody that doesn't deserve to be hurt. But I’m not exactly sure what constitutes deserving to be hurt exactly or what consequences he’s talking about. He says that it's for the greater good as though it’s out of his hands.

  I don't know what all that means but what continues to echo over and over, is that I do trust him—completely—and somehow I always have. Why is that? I have no idea. After finding out about Mendacious Mike, I would’ve thought that gaining my trust would be a long haul operation. With Jax it’s unquestionable and always has been.

  When I look into his soulful eyes, the relaxing colour of a summer’s meadow, I feel connected in a way that is so foreign to me, I feel its true power. At first I thought maybe it was purely a raw sexual attraction that I wasn’t used to, nobody’s touched me like he touches me. But over time it’s proven our connection stretches beyond that. I could happily sit with him for hours, enjoying how he makes me feel from a single subtle facial expression, nobody’s seen me the way he sees me. When I’m talking nonsense about nothing and everything without even realising, he doesn’t just hear me, he listens. When he subconsciously strokes his fingertips up and down the inside of my forearm when we’re snuggled up, nobody’s felt me the way he feels me.

  It’s undeniable and I don't know for sure if he feels it too or even if that matters, because he has made it clear that we’ll never be more than what we are right now. He can’t have children and doesn’t want anything to do with his family. That’s two important parts of my life; having children and my family.

  But is what we have right now good enough, even just for the foreseeable future?

  My head tells me that I should demand more answers so I can make informed decisions and get to the bottom of this. But that screams of the tell-tale habits I'm breaking away from; the control freak in me. My mantra devotedly reminds me to live in the moment and to trust that what will be will be. I should feel for the answers not overthink them. In which case, my feelings tell me that Jax is somebody to be cherished, he has a good heart and I truly trust him, so surely that’s all I need to know.

  If I follow my instinct it leads to Jax every time and if that’s wrong, so be it. I won’t turn my back on him. I think on some level that he needs me, that we need each other, even if he doesn’t realise it himself. Whatever we have, we can make it work, at least for now. If it goes tits up, I’ll deal with it and know that it was worth it for experiencing and committing to this journey.

  On that thought, as if in sync, my interval training programme ends and the treadmill slows to a complete stop. That was a zoned out productive run. I’m sweating but I feel rejuvenated. Strangely, it doesn't feel like the middle of the night.

  My body’s worked hard, so has my head, but I still feel energised. I'm surprised there aren’t more people here. I know it's silly o'clock but there's something special about working out when most of the country is sleeping. It’s like I’ve just discovered a hidden secret; I must do this again.

  I stretch off my jelly legs and walk back down to the changing room, finishing my water along the way and ditching the bottle in the recycling bin.

  My code lets me straight in but I surprise myself by waiting beside the door until it closes and I hear the click as it securely locks it
self. Maybe not so brave after all eh Beth?! Shaking my head at my own admission, I slink into the changing room and round to the large shower area.

  It's spotlessly clean, another plus to training late after the cleaners have been in. One side is an open wall with showerheads separated evenly across it. The opposite side is divided into more private cubicles without doors.

  Walking along the open wall, I wave my hand in front of each sensor turning on the showers, being careful not to get my trainers soaked. I love a hot shower in a steamy room. The sound of sprinkling water marries with the beats of “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars playing through the ceiling speakers in the changing room.

  Walking back around to my locker I kick off my trainers and retrieve my kit bag. Throwing my earphones in my bag, I rest my mobile inside one of my trainers, placing them on the bench. Taking my time, I slowly peel away my sweaty training gear, absently wondering whether Jax will wait up or go to bed or even go out himself.

  Actually, what if I go back to his and he isn’t there or he doesn't want me there because what he’s read has freaked him out?

  I grab my mobile and see that he still hasn’t called or text. I quickly punch in a message and send it.

  Hey, u still awake? Just wondering if u'd prefer me 2 go 2 Wills. I honestly don’t mind, it may b 4 the best. I'm just about to jump in the shower so if u can text back, I'll read it when I get out x

  I rest my mobile back in my trainer and remove my bra, as a reply beeps.

  I don’t want u to run from me B? x

  I don’t either x

  So have u decided if u trust me yet? x

  I’m glad he’s waded through the crap to realise what’s important to me, what this all ultimately boils down to. Trust.

  I trust u x

  My half naked body is frozen to the spot but I want to wait for the reply, which doesn't take too long.

  Ditto… R u undressed yet? x

  So he’s okay with me and I’m okay with him. I trust him. He trusts me. There’s still a few more things that need to be said but for now he’s reverting to his sexual safe zone again. Flirting. So let’s play.

  Yes… All but my thong x

  This could be interesting and I do love playful Jax. The shower will have to wait a few more minutes, I’m too intrigued. I tuck my training clothes into my kit bag and grab my shower stuff whilst I wait. I lay out my change of clothes too.

  Let's put our trust 2 the test. Put down ur phone, get naked, go 2 the showers, get under the 1 furthest away facing the corner of the wall & close ur eyes. Count out loud to 60, think about me. Do it now x

  What the…? Put our trust to the test how? Shit… What is he up to? He can’t be here and even if he was at the gym he can’t get in here. This is some crazy trust exercise. Maybe he wants me to see what it feels like to be alone and vulnerable, to show me that I shouldn’t have come here by myself? No, that doesn’t make sense.

  Well, whatever Jax, I’m always up for a challenge, especially one offered by him. Okay Beth, breathe… Live in the moment. Let’s do this.

  I whip off my thong, throw it in my bag and pick up my pile of shower things; hair towel, body towel, shower gel, shampoo and conditioner. I walk quickly to the shower area; my heartbeat is now racing with nervousness and excitement in equal measures. I hang up my towels on the hooks provided near the entrance and wave my hand across all the sensors as I go past them again so they spring back to life and start rebuilding the steam. The locker room is warm but it’s hot in here.

  I stand under the final showerhead, putting my bottles on the shelf. Facing the wall, I wave at the sensor and close my eyes. Feeling a little daft, I start counting as instructed.

  “1, 2, 3..”

  I let the warm water run all over my body, washing away the sweat and ache from my run, it feels lush. I don’t feel as silly anymore. Soon I find myself a third of the way there. Anticipation building as images of Jax flash through my mind. I take out my hair tie and snap it round my wrist, letting my hair flow freely. Massaging my scalp. How has this got anything to do with trust?

  “20, 21, 22..”

  The water’s really hot now. Still speaking the numbers with my eyes closed has gradually heightened my other senses… Maybe that was the intention because thinking about him makes me want to touch myself. I’m beginning to wish he was here so he could fill this need for me.

  When I reach 44 the energy in the air suddenly changes.

  I know it’s Jax. I swear I can feel his presence. I can’t explain how I know but I just feel him. How is it possible? Is it my sixth sense or just my overactive imagination? I find it hard not to open my eyes or follow my urge to turn around or say his name. I feel anxious; hesitating ever so slightly but I continue…

  “45, 46, 47..”

  I keep the hot water flowing all over me but my skin feels like it’s covered in goose bumps. I want to back up to close the gap between us. I need to know.

  “48, 49, 50..”

  The energy shifts again, from apprehension to impatience, believing he is here and it's just a matter of seconds… Or maybe it is my mind playing vivid tricks on me. God knows it’s possible for him to head-fuck me from a distance. Is this just his mind game because he doesn't believe I trust him? Arghh, nearly there…

  “55, 56, 57... 58 .... 59 ........ “

  My heartbeat’s deafening my ears; it’s drowning out the music and the water. My skin crawls with anticipation. The water beats against the rise and fall of my heaving naked chest.

  “60 ...............”

  Immediately comes the magical feeling of oh so familiar strong hands as his fingertips glide down from my shoulder blades. I gasp and melt inside but I wasn’t startled in the slightest. It’s like my body is always ready and waiting for him.

  Jax is here. He has come for me.

  His hands move achingly slowly until they reach the small of my back. I’m holding my breath. My complex man is here, touching me… He changes direction and trails his fingernails around either side of my waist until his hands meet again at my midriff.

  Through a sigh of satisfaction I let go of my breath whilst trying to absorb his touch until it's ingrained deeper into my skin. But I think that’s impossible. His passion already runs through my veins. Jax is under my skin and on my skin.

  I don’t know when it happened but Jax has left his mark on me. It’s like an invisible tattoo that only I can see. It’s beautiful.

  Jax moves his hands so that they’re in front of my arms but goes back to the same position on my tummy. He maintains his gentle touch as first his palms then fingers glide up over my ribs, skirting around the sides of my breasts and coming to rest on my shoulders. His grip gets firmer this time when his hands make their way down each arm. Then his fingers overlap and interlink with mine at my side, where I like him to be.

  I feel him take a tentative step closer until his whole luscious naked body connects with mine, flush against me. The showers have stopped, I have no idea when but the room is warm.

  My eyes are still closed, stuck in a trance. I lean my head to the side exposing my neck to encourage his head to dip. As soon as he takes the bait I nuzzle my face into his, wanting to be as close as possible. I feel his silver rope chain dangle against the back of my shoulder.

  He is here; he is actually here, cheek to cheek, back to front. Somewhat like our relationship…

  It takes willpower not to open my eyes, not to reach for him. I mustn’t rush him, I can feel that he needs this. The atmosphere is different. His aura is laced with a new emotion that I’m not familiar with.

  It seems ‘aura the explorer’ still has work to do.

  It’s not passion or lust. There’s so much depth to his slow caressing touches. It’s almost like he’s the one feeling vulnerable and somehow he’s finding his strength in me, in my body.

  Planting painfully gentle kisses along my neck, leaving a trail of tingling skin behind them, he travels across my shoulder and straight b
ack again. I don’t stop the subtle sounds of contentment escaping my lips.

  These agonising kisses from soft wide lips divert to my ear, biting and sucking my earlobe. Mmm, I needed this too. His mouth on me always feels so good. I could never run from this, from him. As I hear his amplified breathing stagger, it stirs the sexual yearning inside every pore of me.

  I ache for him to hold me so tightly that we merge into one, one union of fulfilment. This moment is so primal; I feel like prey being prepared and tasted before my powerful predator ambushes me. I want him to devour me piece by piece…

  Jax inhales deeply as if he’s reading my thoughts. I wish he could feel my insides somersaulting in that exquisite way that only he can orchestrate.

  "You. Trust. Me."

  His deep, gravelly tone speaks hesitantly, as though he’s trying to convince himself. It sounds like a revelation he finds impossible to believe. If only he knew that it’s been a done deal from the get go. My trust has been in the palm of his hand for longer than I’ll know… like it was never my decision, it’s just the way it is.