by Rye Hart
We jumped apart quickly and both turned to the stairs. Thankfully, Sarah was nowhere in sight. Emily hurried to the foot of the stairs and looked up.
“Can I have some water?” Sarah asked.
“Sure,” Emily said. She hurried into the kitchen and then went upstairs with the water in her hand. I heard her footsteps as she led Sarah back to bed and tucked her in.
I listened carefully, waiting for a sign that Emily would return. Instead, I heard her bedroom door open and close with a soft click.
CHAPTER TEN - EMILY
It was Tommy’s idea to go to dinner on Monday night. He said we needed to celebrate my return and that we should go to the best restaurant in town. I was flattered by his insistence, but one look at Sean told me he didn’t feel the same way.
Ever since our kiss the other night, he’d barely spoken two words to me. I didn’t know what to do or say. After Sarah interrupted us, I was afraid of being caught so I just went to bed, thinking Sean and I would talk in the morning. We didn’t.
All day Sunday and most of Monday was spent in silence. I talked to the kids. We played games, and I cooked them meals. I put them to bed on Sunday night, and when I went downstairs, Sean was already locked away in his room. I thought about knocking on the door, but I resisted the urge, knowing he would talk to me when he was ready.
Still, it was hard not knowing how he felt. We kissed, and now it may as well have never happened. From the way Sean was acting, I couldn’t help but think he wished it hadn’t.
I tried to tell Tommy a celebratory dinner wasn’t necessary, but he dug his heels in, the way only a seven-year-old can. Eventually, Sean stepped in and said it was a great idea.
“There’s a nice Italian place I wanted to try,” he said. “Have you been?”
“Riggazzonis?” I asked.
“I think so.” Sean nodded.
“It’s wonderful,” I said.
“Perfect!” Tommy said with excitement. “That’s where we’ll go then.”
Tommy was bouncing up and down with excitement as we left the house, but both Sarah and Sean were quiet. I looked from one to the other, wondering if Sarah saw more that night than I thought she had. I couldn’t imagine she did. She was at the top of the stairs, and we were on the couch. It wasn’t possible for her to know, was it?
I remained preoccupied all through dinner. The kids both ate most of their food, but Sarah didn’t talk much during dinner. Tommy was chattier than ever. I loved how much he was opening up to me and coming out of his shell, but I couldn’t keep my attention on him. My eyes kept returning to Sarah’s face. I worried about her, but I didn’t know how to ask her what was wrong.
Sean ordered dessert for everyone. When it arrived, he raised his glass, and we all followed his lead.
“To Emily,” he said formally.
“To Emily!” Tommy said.
“Thank you,” I said softly, taking a sip of my water.
Sean’s toast was nice but seemed obligatory. He barely met my eye when he said the words, and he immediately looked away after. I didn’t know what was going on with him. How could he kiss me and then treat me this way? How could we go from making out on the couch to ignoring each other?
It didn’t make sense, and I was tired of the confusion. I wanted to demand answers right there at the dinner table, but I knew that would be a mistake. Besides, Sarah’s face was still turned down in an obvious frown, and she hadn’t so much as touched her chocolate cake.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked her softly.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay.” I took her hand and led her to the back of the restaurant.
We slipped inside the bathroom, and Sarah quickly disappeared in the first stall. I waited for her right outside, but after five minutes, I was worried.
“Are you okay?” I asked through the stall door.
Sarah sniffed and I pressed my ear closer to the door. It sounded like she was crying, but I couldn’t be sure.
“Sarah,” I said. “Sweetie, why don’t you come on out?”
“I can’t,” she said. Her voice broke, and she sniffed again.
“Come out,” I said gently. “You can tell me what’s wrong. Maybe we can fix it together.”
Sarah slowly unlocked the stall door and stepped out. She looked at me with tears running down her little face. In that moment, she didn’t look five years old. She looked not a day older than two or three. She was just a baby, a little girl who didn’t have a mommy to turn to when she was sad.
The sight of her like that made my heart ache. I reached out for her and she walked straight into my arms, burying her face in my shoulder.
While she cried, I held her tightly, smoothing my hand down her back. Her tears were soaking into my shirt, but I didn’t care. I would have held her all night if it meant she might feel a little better.
When she finally stopped crying enough to sit up, she pulled away from me and wiped her eyes. I grabbed her a tissue off the counter, and she blew her nose. When she was calm enough, I took her tiny hands in my mine, and she lifted her face to meet my eyes.
“What’s the matter, Sarah?” I asked. “Why are you so sad?”
“I’m scared,” she said, her voice weak.
“Of what?” I asked.
“I really like you, Emily,” she said. “But I don’t want you to be my mommy. Even though my mommy died, I still love her a lot.”
“Oh, sweetie,” I said, my heart breaking in my chest. “Come here.”
I hugged her again and held her close for a few seconds. When I pulled away, I smiled at her and moved her hair off her tear-soaked face.
“I would never try to take your mommy’s place,” I said. “Not ever.”
“Really?” Sarah asked.
“You will only ever have one mommy,” I said. “Her memory is something you’ll always have. You’ll carry it with you forever in your heart. No one, not me or anyone else, can ever take that away from you. I would never want to, sweetie. I promise.”
“Does my daddy want you to?” Sarah asked. “Is that why he asked you to come take care of us?”
“No,” I said firmly. “He just needed some extra help. He wouldn’t let anyone take your mommy’s place, not even me. I promise.”
“He wouldn’t?” Sarah asked.
“Never.”
She nodded and wiped her cheeks with her little hands. I waited to see if she had any more questions or wanted to say anything else. I knew Sean would be worried about us. We’d been in the bathroom a long time, and I was sure he saw how upset Sarah was at the table. I knew we should get back soon, but I didn’t want to rush Sarah. It took a lot for her to tell me her fears like this, and I wanted to make sure she was really okay before we went back to the table.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Sarah said. “My daddy is happier when you’re around.”
I blinked. Sarah’s words were nice but also confusing. From what I could tell, Sean was just as distant and cold as ever. If anything, he’d grown colder over the past few days. Still, Sarah seemed certain of her words.
“I’m glad I’m here too,” I said. “You ready to go back out?”
She nodded and I took her hand. We left the bathroom and walked slowly toward the table. When we came into view, Sean’s head snapped up, and he looked from me to Sarah and then back again. I knew he saw the redness of Sarah’s eyes and cheeks, but he didn’t say anything when we sat down. He just looked at me nervously.
“She’s okay,” I whispered so only he could hear. “Just needed a little girl talk, that’s all.”
Sean didn’t look convinced, but he nodded and turned his attention to the kids. Sarah finally ate her cake, giggling through each mouthful. Her fears had melted away and she was her old self again. I was glad I’d been able to help.
We finished our dessert, and Sean paid the bill. I thanked him for dinner, but he just grunted and didn’t look at me. I frowne
d and sat back in my chair, determined not to say anything to him around the kids. I couldn’t handle the tension between us anymore, though. I knew it was time to find out what was going on with him.
After dinner, we all piled back into Sean’s car and headed home. The kids were both exhausted so we skipped their baths for the night, and I helped them brush their teeth. They put on their pajamas and climbed into bed. I tucked them both in and went downstairs so Sean could say good night to them alone.
I thought about going to bed, but I was still determined to talk to Sean. His cold and distant behavior was becoming too much to take. He kissed me. I kissed him back. We shared an intimate moment that was both intense and passionate. It wasn’t something either of us could or should ignore. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but I had to find out. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did. If he didn’t want me, fine, but I needed him to tell me that to quiet the confusion in my mind.
When Sean came back downstairs, I was standing in the living room. He walked right past me, not seeing me until I cleared my throat. He paused for a fraction of a second on his way to the kitchen. His eyes met mine, but then he turned away without a word. He walked into the kitchen and pulled a water bottle from the fridge. As he turned back toward the living room, I took a step forward and cleared my throat again.
I expected him to stop or at least look at me, but he did neither. Instead, he just marched straight forward. He walked down the hallway and disappeared behind his bedroom door, pulling it closed behind him with a loud snap. I stared after him in shock.
It was one thing for him to be distant with me, but it was another for him to ignore me entirely. With anger coursing through my veins, I marched down the hallway and planted myself outside his door. I raised my fist to knock, but suddenly, all the determination drained from my body. I held my hand in front of the door, raised and ready to knock, but I never let it connect. Instead, I sighed and turned back around. What if he did tell me it was a mistake and he didn’t want me? I didn’t know how I would react and I didn’t really want to find out right now.
Just as I was about to turn around and head back down the hall, Sean’s bedroom door flew open. The look of shock on his face to find me standing there quickly turned to one of need. Without a word, he pressed me against the wall and crushed his lips to mine. An involuntary moan escaped my lips and he pressed even closer.
I wound my arms around his neck as I felt the hard length of him pressed against my thigh. Good God, how good would it feel to have that thing deep inside me? Our kiss was insistent, searching, and scorching. By the time Sean pulled away to come up for air, my panties were soaked.
I opened my mouth to say something, but the look on his face made me stop. Though he was usually unreadable, this time I could actually see the conflict written all over his handsome features. He was clearly internally at war with himself.
“Sean—”
“No,” he shook his head vehemently. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
And with that he shut himself away in his room, leaving me to stand there in the hall wondering what the fuck had just happened. My head was spinning, not only from the incredible kiss, but from the quickness with which he jumped from one emotion to the next. I scrubbed my hand over my face and padded upstairs to my room.
My body was alive with energy, and I knew I wouldn’t sleep for hours, but I still stripped down and pulled on my pajamas. Climbing into bed, I thought again about going back to Sean’s room. I imagined pounding on the door until he opened it and let me inside. I wouldn’t give up until he finally faced me, until he finally told me what was going on. The idea was a good one, but I knew I couldn’t do it. If the kids heard me knocking or if they woke up during our conversation, that would only end badly.
Rolling onto my side, I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to force myself to sleep. It was no use. Throughout the entire night, sleep evaded me. My mind shifted between anger and despair as I thought about Sean and everything that happened between us lately. I pictured him lying in bed, doing the same thing I was.
I wondered if he was just as upset, unable to sleep because his thoughts were too full of me. With a groan, I pushed that hope away and tried again to fall asleep. By the time my eyes fell shut for good, the sun was already beginning to rise.
CHAPTER ELEVEN - SEAN
“Tommy, Sarah, go get dressed please,” Emily said. The kids jumped out of their chairs and ran upstairs.
Breakfast was a quiet affair that morning. Tommy and Sarah were both still tired from our late night at dinner, and Emily wasn’t speaking to me. I knew I had fucked up and made things way worse last night and I didn’t know how to rectify it. I felt like I was losing my damn mind.
She moved into the kitchen, piling the dishes in the sink and leaving them. It wasn’t like her to leave chores for later, but I didn’t complain. In the short time she’d been with us, she already did more around the house than I had since we moved in. She was beyond helpful, but seeing her ignore dirty dishes made me watch her closer. As she moved around the kitchen, my eyes followed her.
With a frown, I leaned against the table while she opened the fridge to grab a water bottle. Her behavior this morning was strange. She was usually chipper in the mornings, always eager to get the kids in a good mood from the start. Today, she didn’t seem to care about that. She didn’t seem to care about anything.
I sat back in my chair and shook my head. It didn’t matter how Emily acted. As long as she did her job well, that was what mattered. I told myself it was a good thing that she was ignoring me as I got up from the table. Without a word, I disappeared into my room to get dressed.
When I went back out to the living room, Emily and the kids were playing a game. Emily’s face was alive with emotion for the first time this morning. Her eyes were open wide, and she was laughing, tickling Sarah and motioning for Tommy to take his turn.
“What are you guys playing?” I asked, sitting in the chair beside the coffee table.
“Sorry,” Sarah said. “Emily brought it over. It’s so fun!”
“Do you want to play?” Tommy asked.
My eyes fell on Emily’s face, and all the joy I’d seen just seconds before was gone. She didn’t meet my eyes. Instead, she stared at the game board. Her eyebrows were pulled together, and her lips were tight. I cleared my throat and she looked up.
When our eyes finally met, she softened slightly. She searched my face for something, though I wasn’t sure what. Her soft gaze made me harden. I felt my face tighten as I turned away.
“Maybe later,” I told Tommy. “I have to go into town right now.”
“Can we come?” Sarah asked, already getting to her feet.
“Don’t you want to finish your game?” I asked.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want Sarah with me. I just knew my mood was only going to get worse.
“I want to come with you,” Sarah said.
“Not this time,” I said. “Stay here and play with Emily.”
“We can bake cookies after the game,” Emily said. “What do you think?”
“Yeah!” Sarah pumped her fist in the air with excitement. I smiled at her.
I looked at Emily one last time before I got up to leave. It was hard to read the emotion on her face. I left the house and climbed behind the wheel of my car. With a sigh, I cranked the engine and drove the five minutes into town. Emily’s face was still burned in my brain, and I was determined to get rid of it. She’d only been back a few days, and already, I was cranky and frustrated. Not for the first time, I wondered if I made the right decision in hiring her back.
I parked in a random parking spot and got out. I didn’t really have any errands, but I couldn’t be in that house for another second. With Emily staring at me with hidden expectations, it was too much. I still didn’t know what our kiss meant, and I wasn’t in a hurry to find out. From the way Emily was acting, though, she definitely was.
As I walked, I stumbled acro
ss an old bookstore. It looked closed, but when I stepped closer, I saw the lights on inside. I pushed open the door and was immediately hit with the smell of old books. I inhaled deeply, a smile spreading across my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I spent any time in a bookstore.
“Can I help you find anything?” someone asked from behind me.
I was halfway inside the store and I whirled around to see an old man looking up at me.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I’m just looking around.”
“I don’t know you,” the man said.
“No, you don’t.”
“I know everyone in town,” he said. “I’m Harry.”
“Sean,” I said simply. “I just moved here.”
“Well, Sean,” Harry said. “Welcome to my store. It’s nothing special, but we have some good things if you dig a bit.”
“I’ll do that,” I promised.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Harry said.
I nodded and Harry hobbled away, leaning heavily on a curved cane. This town became stranger with each new person I encountered. It was like the entire place had its own heartbeat, completely unique and unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
In a way, it was inspiring, but it was also disconcerting. I’d lived in San Diego for over thirty years. It was odd to be away from the ocean and my previously busy life. I thought again of the email that had driven me so far from my home.
I’m Sarah’s biological father…I want to see her…
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. There wasn’t anything I was looking for in particular, so I just wandered through the store, picking up different books as I moved. Most everything in Harry’s store was old, but seemed to be soaked in history. I found a barely recognizable copy of Gulliver’s Travels that I almost bought, but I thought better of it. I already owned three copies, and there was no reason to add another to my collection.
I continued lingering in the shelves for most of the afternoon. My excitement at finding a bookstore overshadowed my hunger or sense of time. I lost myself in the old books and amazing smells. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the notebook section that my blood really began to burn with excitement.