Sex, Lies, and Cookies: An Unrated Memoir

by Glasberg, Lisa

  Roll out to ¼-inch thickness on floured surface. Using 2½-inch round cookie cutter, cut out cookies and place on parchment-lined cookie sheet with a metal cookie spatula, spacing cookies an inch apart.

  Beat remaining egg, in a small dish. Brush beaten egg wash on cookies, adding sprinkles (or whatever toppings you like).

  Gather up scraps of cookies and roll out again. If cookie dough gets too soft, rechill.

  Bake 12 to 15 minutes. Do not overcook. They should be done when they puff and look set.

  Cool cookies on rack.

  If you want to ice the cookies, skip the egg wash and ice cookies when completely cooled.

  Makes about 47 cookies.

  EPILOGUE

  (OR, HOW YOU TOO CAN BE A COOKIE-PARTY-THROWING GODDESS)

  I’m not going to tell you that you have to have a cookie party in order to be happy, but for me it was a big milestone along the way, so I decided to leave you with my best advice for how to throw a party of your own. Does your party have to revolve around cookies? No. Does pretty much everyone love cookies? Yes. And I think that says it all. You could pick a different theme for your next party, but why would you want to?

  I’m no Emily Post. Or Martha Stewart. I don’t turn up my nose at paper napkins. And I’m not a food snob, either, so I’m not going to send you in search of organic, locally produced flour or tell you to grind your own spices. The only hard-and-fast rule here is that the cookies at your party must be homemade. You don’t have to make them all yourself—you can have friends bring some—but the cookies must be made by someone you know (and, no, that nice guy at the local bakery does not count). One year a coworker’s mother’s manicurist made cookies. And they were amazing! He didn’t try to pass them off as his own, and he was happy to brag about her skills. A year before I had started giving out blue ribbons to the best cookie of the evening (I enlisted a panel of friends to judge), and the manicurist’s cookies won that year. They were homemade, after all, and by very well-maintained hands.

  So it’s absolutely fine to invite cookie donations, but I think the lion’s share of the cookies should come from your own kitchen. How you serve them is totally up to you, though. If you want to serve all those homemade cookies on paper towels or old newspaper, I really don’t care. In fact, the best parties I’ve ever been to have been the least formal. I have fond memories of my mother’s friends coming over for bridge or mah-jongg, and my mother filling bowls with chocolate licorice and setting out some grocery store cheese and crackers on a tray. It wasn’t fancy, but it was fun, and it felt special to me and to her friends. My cookie parties are my version of my mother’s bridge and chocolate licorice. The only difference is that I serve way more booze.

  IT ALWAYS MAKES ME laugh when I open up a magazine about cooking for a crowd and the home kitchen in the picture is the size of my entire apartment. What’s to complain about if you have at least two ovens and a second freezer in the basement? When you live in an apartment with a kitchen the size of a restaurant bathroom, you have to be a lot more creative, and advance preparation is key. But don’t let the size of your kitchen (or your apartment) scare you away from having a party. If I can do it, you can do it. Here’s a picture of my own galley kitchen to prove that I’m not secretly in possession of a magazine-worthy spread.

  If, like me, you have just one refrigerator and freezer, then I definitely recommend that you eat up the contents of your freezer in the weeks leading up to your party, because your freezer is going to become your best friend. It’s where you’re going to store your chocolate chip cheesecake squares (recipe on page 106) and all the cookie dough that you’re going to mix up in advance.

  One of the nice things about cookies is that they’re not really attached to any particular season. Sure, everyone thinks of cookies at Christmas, so a holiday party is a no-brainer, but I also like throwing cookie parties in the fall, right when the weather is starting to get crisp. And there’s no reason you can’t have one in the spring or even in the summer (you can give your friends an excuse not to skip town for the beach). And because cookies can be baked at least a day in advance (and bar cookies can be baked and frozen even further in advance), you don’t have to worry about heating up your house or apartment on the day of the party. Just add some nice, cold champagne, and a selection of wines and soft drinks, and you’re good to go for any time of year. It’s up to you if you want to decorate with fresh flowers, fall leaves, or evergreen.

  Truth be told, I’m not big on decorating, but when I first started working in TV, the stylist I hired to help me figure out how to dress for the camera also offered to decorate my cookie parties for me. It was amazing what he did with some brown butcher paper. He crumpled it so that it had the texture of old parchment and covered my dinner table with it, which looked like a million bucks. In the fall he hung it on the walls and created fall foliage out of more paper and raffia. At one of my holiday parties he hung icicles all over the apartment. If decorating is your thing, then maybe you don’t need someone like him, but if you’re like me, then my advice is to grab a stylish friend and put him or her to work so you can focus on other things. And remember that as long as your bathroom is clean, most guests care way more about what they eat and drink than what’s hanging on the walls.

  That’s the general stuff. Now let’s break things down.

  THE INVITE LIST

  A fun party is a crowded party. I don’t want to be able to see the floor when I’m having a party. So when you’re thinking of making your invite list, don’t think about how many people you can comfortably fit in your space—think about how many people you can uncomfortably fit in there. And remember that not everyone is going to come at the same time.

  My friends make fun of me for inviting every new person I meet to my next cookie party, but my approach makes for a great mix of people. I never know who’s going to walk through my door (including Tony Soprano). If you aren’t the type to invite every stranger you encounter, that’s okay, but definitely give your guests the option of bringing a plus-one. That way you’ll meet some new people, and your guests will too.

  E-mail your invites about five weeks in advance of the party, and then do a follow-up reminder e-mail about two and a half weeks before. You definitely don’t have to get fancy with the invite, but I think it’s fun to throw in a picture and get clever with your subject line so people start getting excited in advance. When I was flipping through a teen magazine for work a number of years ago, I spotted some illustrations that I really liked, so I asked the editor there if I could hire the artist to do some work for me. It turned out that the artist was actually a teenaged reader named Hannah Alexander. I ended up hiring her to work on my website and to do a bunch of my cookie party invites. Here’s one of my favorites, with me and Lucky:

  © by Hannah Alexander

  WHAT (AND HOW MUCH) TO SERVE TO EAT

  Just remember: this is a cookie party. So you can serve bar cookies and brownies, but if the dessert requires a fork, don’t serve it. I’ve also found that fresh fruit desserts are tricky. And if you put together fresh fruit with something that needs to be sliced and then eaten with a fork, I’m afraid that’s a no go. I’ve had guests bring fresh fruit tarts that were absolutely gorgeous, but for some mysterious reason they weren’t gobbled up. In my experience it’s much safer to stick with rich, satisfying cookies and bar cookies that are easy to eat and require only fingers.

  Look at the yield of all your recipes (and make sure you follow the directions for how big or small to make the cookies so that you don’t end up with far fewer cookies than you expected). Figure that at least half your guests will bring someone if you’ve given them the option. Now calculate how many guests you’re likely to have and figure that you’ll want to allow for about five cookies per person. Then I always make a few extra batches—trust me, you will not believe how many cookies adults can devour. My standby for backups is my trusty chocolate chip cheesecake bars because I can serve them right out of the
freezer.

  When you’re figuring out what cookies to serve, consider your invite list. I’ve observed that men love chocolate and peanut butter, so they love anything chocolate, anything peanut butter, and anything chocolate with peanut butter. Or peanut butter with chocolate. At the risk of generalizing, I will say that women can be a little trickier. There are women who aren’t afraid to eat and like everything, and obviously they’re the easiest and most appreciative. Then there are women who don’t want to reveal in public that they like cookies. For these women (and some more rigorously health-conscious men), the oatmeal cookie was invented. The truth is that oatmeal cookies are no lower in calories or fat and sugar than anything else, but people convince themselves that oatmeal as an ingredient makes the cookies healthy. Finally, there is one sure bet that’s a hit with everyone, male or female: brownies.

  One last note: no matter what you make, if you take my advice to keep the serving size small, then your guests will actually end up eating more.

  WHAT (AND HOW MUCH) TO SERVE TO DRINK

  I’ve tried serving mixed drinks in the past, but then I found them to be a big headache. So now I just serve champagne and wine. I always start out with one bottle per four to six people that I’ve invited. Guests will bring more, and I’ve never run out of alcohol. I also provide soft drinks and lots of ice, because sugar can make you thirsty. And in case someone brings a bottle of vodka or other liquor, I have some orange juice and cranberry juice for mixing. One year a coworker brought a few cartons of eggnog and it was such a hit that I’ve served it every year since.

  THE COUNTDOWN TO THE PARTY

  One of the hardest things about entertaining is making sure everything is prepared and baked on time. Thankfully cookies are sturdy and you can bake them in advance. And there’s lots of other preparation you can do in advance as well. You’ll still be frantic the day of your party, but at least you’ll be organized.

  5 weeks before …

  Make your grocery list and purchase as much as possible. As soon as you’ve sent your invites, collected all your recipes, and calculated how much booze you need, you can start buying what you need. Anything nonperishable can be purchased way in advance, and butter and eggs last a long time, too, so if you’ve got the time, go ahead and buy everything you can (and have room to store).

  Make a list of supplies, and check that you have everything you need. I buy many of my supplies at a baking supply store. If you don’t have one in your town, check the web. I’ve also had great luck at department stores and big box stores. Here’s a list of what I recommend having in your arsenal:

  1. A set of mixing bowls.

  2. A good rubber spatula for scraping out bowls.

  3. A nice, thin spatula for lifting cookies off trays (the thinner the better).

  4. Ice cream scoops, for scooping drop cookies. I use a ⅜-ounce scoop most often, but for a few recipes in this chapter I use a ⅞-ounce scoop.

  5. Cookie sheets. If your oven is wide enough to hold two cookie sheets side by side, then you should have four cookie sheets so that you can always have two ready to go with uncooked cookies when the baked ones come out. I like having a mix of cookie sheets—full sized and half sized. I love the half-sized sheets for the remaining dough that won’t fill up a whole sheet.

  6. Baking pans. For bar cookies and brownies, I recommend having a few sets of 9 x 13–inch pans. As with the cookie sheets, if you can fit two pans side by side in your oven, then have four of them if possible. This saves a lot of time. Remember, you can always borrow from friends. I like metal pans—preferably dark—with straight sides and sharp corners. For the life of me I don’t know who invented pans with curved edges—they’re the worst.

  7. Mixer. You don’t have to have an expensive standing mixer in order to have a cookie party (although if you do have one, that’s great, and if you can borrow one, that’s great too). A hand mixer with a strong motor should tackle any recipe in this book. That said, if you can save up and buy your own standing mixer, I think it’s an excellent investment. It will make baking so much more enjoyable. I bought mine from a neighbor who was moving to France. He didn’t want to lug it to Europe, so I got a great deal. I love it, and I think it looks beautiful in my kitchen. I affectionately wipe it down after each recipe—it’s one of my most prized possessions.

  8. Parchment paper. Lots and lots of it. I adore the stuff, and I share that love with all the pastry chefs I’ve ever known. However, I’m not a fan of the rolled parchment paper you can find in the supermarket. It’s always curling up and it never tears cleanly. I buy precut cookie-tray-sized sheets from a cooking supply store on the web. The sheets come lying flat, so they’re much easier to work with. You’ll notice that for bar cookies I always recommend lining the pan with parchment paper, with a few inches overhanging each of the short sides. This way you can use those extra few inches of paper like a handle to lift the entire recipe out of the pan. It’s so much easier than buttering a pan and worrying about messing things up while you try to dig them out with a spatula. Parchment paper is just as great for lifting cookies off trays. Alfred Stephens taught me this trick that I use to this day—it’s like magic, similar to pulling a tablecloth off a table fast without having anything spill: once the cookies were cooled a bit on a large cookie sheet, he’d take the edge of the parchment paper and quickly pull it (and the cookies) off the tray. It made a sound like wissshhh. The cookies amazingly stayed on the parchment paper and then he could quickly reuse the cookie sheet for another batch. He kept repeating this until he had stacks of cookies. It made the process very fast and efficient. (One note of caution: while learning this, expect some cookies to hit the floor.)

  9. Self-sealing plastic bags, cellophane, and foil. For wrapping and freezing cookie dough and already baked bars.

  10. Foldable cooling racks. If you have a lot of baked goods cooling at once you can spread these anywhere—dining table, coffee table, wherever you’ve got surface area (you’ll need it).

  11. Plastic serving trays. You can get these at a good stationery or party supply store.

  12. Placecards and toothpicks. For writing the names of cookies and labeling trays. (More on this below.)

  13. Paper bakery boxes. This is the best way of storing drop cookies once you’ve baked them. I’m not a fan of plastic containers, because I find that storing in plastic can affect the texture of baked goods. But if you have them, by all means use them. They work just fine.

  14. Paper plates and napkins. Don’t even think about washing dishes.

  15. Plastic glassware. Ditto. And I have to add that I know the tall red 12-ounce plastic cups are all the rage, but I think the clear 6-ounce glasses are classier.

  16. Plastic goodie bags. For sending cookies home with guests at the end of the night. This way, no leftovers! Around the holidays you can find decorated plastic zipper bags, which are a cute way of sending home goodies.

  3 weeks before …

  Bake and freeze bar cookies. People are often surprised how far in advance I make them, but it’s so great (and calming) to get these out of the way, and they freeze really well. The key to freezing bar cookies is to cool them, then refrigerate them until they’re very firm. Then you can slice them, carefully remove them from the pan (lifting up by the short edges of the parchment paper that you’ve used to line the pan) and freeze them wrapped in a double layer of cellophane and foil.

  2 weeks before …

  Mix and freeze drop cookie batter in plastic zipper bags. Be sure to label them.

  Mix, roll out, and freeze rolled-out cookie dough (such as the gingerbread men on page 69). Once you’ve rolled out the dough, you can lay it flat between sheets of parchment paper, then wrap it in a double layer of cellophane and foil and freeze flat.

  1 week before …

  Make cookie labels. Get those placecards you bought and write the names of all the cookies and bars you’re making, then attach each one to a toothpick with a little tape. Be sure to leave some
of these blank just in case your guests bring some cookies that you’d like to label.

  3 days before …

  Thaw drop cookie batter.

  2 days before …

  Bake drop cookies, cool on racks, and store between layers of parchment paper in paper bakery boxes, or plastic containers. Store in the fridge if you have room, or in the coolest, driest place in your home. I’ve even stored cookies on the inside ledge of a window, with the window slightly cracked—instant refrigeration in the colder months.

  Thaw rolled-out cookie dough.

  1 day before …

  Cut and bake rolled-out cookie dough. Store between layers of parchment paper in paper bakery boxes or plastic containers. Can be left in a cool dry place until you’re ready to put out for the party.

  Clean and decorate (if you like).

  Morning of the party …

  Thaw all the bar cookies you made, except for the chocolate chip cheesecake bars—those can stay frozen until you’re ready to serve them.

  Chill booze and drinks. If there’s not enough room in your fridge (there’s never enough in mine), you can use a cooler that you already own, or buy several Styrofoam box coolers and fill them with ice. Keep them near the bar so that guests can help themselves.

  Roll up rugs and move out as much furniture as possible (see more about seating later in the chapter).

  Clear surfaces where you’ll be serving food and drinks.

  Create layering foundations on serving tables. You want some trays to be high and some to be low. This creates visual interest. You can even turn over a bowl and set a tray on top. I’ve also used an empty glass hurricane lamp, filling it full of cookies (sturdy ones are best for this). Get creative.

  Put out napkins, plates, and plastic cups.

  1 hour before the party …

  Arrange the first round of cookies. Place cookies on trays, poke a label into one cookie or bar on each.

  Assemble the bar. I use a rolling cart from my kitchen.