Dancing with Molly

by Lena Horowitz

  Oh well. I guess we can just try it tomorrow night and see how it goes. At least Kyle will be there. He told Kelly that he’d keep an eye on all of us. Still, I hope there aren’t any problems. Jeez. When did I turn into such a nervous Nellie? Who am I kidding? I’m going to roll tomorrow night and have a blast with Carson. I’m sure Ashley will have just as much fun with Reid. It’s not like we’re shooting heroin or something. What could go wrong?

  Sunday, May 25

  Wow. I just read the last words I wrote in this journal. If that wasn’t tempting fate, I don’t know what is. Note to self: Never write “what could go wrong” in a journal. The next entry will be horrifying.

  Pretty much everything went wrong last night. I feel like crap—and not just from the ecstasy. Of course, that’s really where everything started to go bad. Kyle got these little red tablets that had lightning bolts pressed into them. Brandon, Pete, Jess, and Kelly had just dropped when Carson, Reid, Ashley, and I arrived, so we’d barely gotten inside the door of the party before Jess was passing around the tabs and water bottles. Ashley didn’t even hesitate, she just gulped hers down and I followed suit so that we’d be on the same wavelength at least and I could sort of track what she was feeling.

  At first we didn’t really feel much. The warehouse was huge, and there were these totally ripped shirtless guys and girls in bikinis dancing on big cubes all around the dance floor. Kyle waved to us from the DJ booth and we went over to say hi. He told us to “enjoy the lightning” and then we all started dancing. This ecstasy took longer to hit than the other two times, and once it did, it was not nearly the same as the molly. In fact, it was awful at first. My stomach got really upset and I was grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw like crazy. It was really speedy and it made me feel jittery. My eyes twitched so much that Carson grabbed my hand and took me outside where Pete and Brandon were. They were smoking cigarettes, and I sat down for a while, but being away from Ashley made me nervous because I kept thinking about her and wondering if she was okay. I got really paranoid, so Carson brought me back inside to find Ashley.

  I shouldn’t have been worried at all. By the time we got back inside, Reid was shirtless, and he and Ashley had climbed up onto one of the boxes with one of the girls in the bikinis and were dancing with her. Ashley saw me and squealed, then threw her hands over her head and danced like a maniac. I just started laughing because she looked like she was having a really good time, and I finally started to relax. Jess and Kelly came around with water and Blow Pops. Having that sucker helped me stop clenching my jaw so much and it tasted amazing.

  We all started dancing together around the big box that Reid and Ashley were on. My sister looked amazing. Kelly had sprayed body glitter all over her, and her blond hair was catching the black lights, and for a while it looked like she was shooting lasers out of her head, creating these beautiful patterns. She saw me looking up at her and pointed at me with a big grin on her face. She jumped off the box and came running over and threw her arms around me.

  Ashley has never been one for public displays of affection, but somehow it seemed exactly right. She kept telling me thank you over and over again. I asked her for what, and she said, For this AMAZING NIGHT. I feel SO GOOD!

  Ashley danced near me and Carson for a while, and then Reid jumped off the box and started kissing her. Ashley just melted into him, and I realized that’s exactly what I wanted to be doing. I turned around and saw that Carson had slipped off his T-shirt and tucked it into the waist of his jeans. The whole warehouse was packed now, and we all seemed to be moving and dancing and grinding and breathing at the same time. The lights bouncing off his chest made him glow, and the speed in the ecstasy made my eyes twitch so fast that Carson looked like a big ball of pink, purple, and yellow light. I was feeling a little dizzy, so I reached out to touch him. My hand landed on his chest, right over his heart, and I swear I felt it pounding there against my palm.

  Carson had his head thrown back and his eyes closed, completely lost in the music. When I touched him, his face lit up, his eyes fluttered open, and he got the biggest grin on his face. He stopped dancing and folded his hand over mine, then pulled me toward him and held me close against his body. I could feel him taking deep breaths, and as his body rose and fell against mine, he leaned down and kissed me.

  Our mouths locked together, and our arms pressed our bodies into each other so tightly that for a little while, it felt like we had combined ourselves. I felt like our skin had merged, and we were breathing together as we kissed—each inhale a gift, each exhale a revelation.

  I felt another mouth on my neck, someone else’s breath on my ear. I pulled away from Carson, breaking the spell, breaking our moment. I turned and saw Brandon behind me. I felt his breath on my face as he leaned in to try to kiss my mouth. I tried to push him away, but he kept pulling me toward him. I heard Carson yell, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? And saw his fist shoot out past my face and knock Brandon in the nose.

  The blood that sprayed out of Brandon’s nose caught the light and was sort of beautiful, but it was only beautiful for about a split second, before he crumpled to the floor next to the big block, knocking into Ashley and Reid, who stopped kissing and turned around just as Carson lunged onto Brandon and hauled back his fist to hit him again. I heard someone yell NO! and realized that it was me. Suddenly Pete materialized out of thin air and tried to pull Brandon to his feet as Reid jumped in and held back Carson’s arm, which was ready to fly toward Brandon’s head again.

  Damn speedy ecstasy. I guess this is what those kids on that forum were talking about. They mentioned that every once in a while the balance of the MDMA to the caffeine or speed, or whatever they cut it with, is seriously off. I still can’t imagine anybody throwing a punch while rolling on molly, but maybe ecstasy just affects people differently. Or maybe Carson would have hit Brandon for trying to kiss me stone-cold sober. Whichever, it happened, and all the guys were yelling at each other, while Ashley stood there, wide-eyed, her jaw clenched, her arm wrapped around her stomach like she was going to throw up.

  I went over to her and hugged her and told her it was going to be okay, and Jess came over to us and said, Let’s go get some air. She and Kelly were leading the way toward the door when we saw the big metal door of the warehouse fly up and red-and-blue flashing lights. These weren’t part of the light show. They were coming from a cop car and an ambulance. Jess and Kelly stopped dead in their tracks as two paramedics and a cop started shoving their way through the crowd toward us. I was so confused. Ashley yelled over the noise, Did you call the COPS? And I was about to say NO when they pushed past us, and we turned to see them move past Carson, Reid, Pete, and Brandon, who was standing there with his head back, holding his T-shirt up to his nose.

  It was only then that I saw a circle had cleared on the other side of the block where Ashley and Reid had been dancing. There was a girl with dark hair lying on the concrete floor. As the lights swept across her, I could see that she was twitching, violently, her mouth covered with a weird white liquid that seemed to bubble up from inside her. Soon, the paramedics and the cop surrounded her, and Jess appeared in front of all of us and shouted, LET’S GO! NOW!

  Jess grabbed Kelly by the hand and cleared a path through the crowd, pushing and shoving people out of her way. We muscled our way past the DJ booth, where Kyle was still spinning, headphones on, lost in his own music. Finally we hit the cool air of the outside, and we started running.

  We didn’t stop until we were back at our cars.

  Everybody except for Pete and Brandon went back to Kelly’s house after we left the club. Kelly and Carson drove everybody, and I didn’t really grasp until yesterday morning when we all woke up sprawled across the couches and carpet what a truly terrible idea it was for ANYONE to be driving.

  I thought Ashley would be totally freaked out, but after we got back to Kelly’s we all tried to relax in the hot tub and Kelly passed around a little bong she had packed with some really good weed. It hel
ped everybody chill out and come down from the speedy ecstasy nice and easy. Eventually, everybody crashed. We were waking up when Kyle got home, and Kelly came around with waters and the biggest bottle of Advil I’d ever seen. Kyle told us that the girl who had passed out was a regular at that warehouse party every month. He knows some of her friends and is going to see if he can find out some details about what happened to her.

  When we got home, Mom wanted to know all the details. We’d told her we were spending the night at Kelly’s house after we went to an eighteen-and-under club with Reid, Carson, and Jess. Sometimes I think my mom just wants to believe what we’re telling her so that she can live vicariously through our teenage lives. She didn’t really get to do that much fun stuff when she was a kid. Her dad was sort of a mean drunk, and he ran off when she was in eighth grade, so the whole time she was in high school she had to work at a department store to help her mom make ends meet.

  I thought Ashley would be done with her little drug experimentation phase, but she surprised me. She came into my room and told me that she had a really fun time this weekend. You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. And the thing is, I really think she meant it. It was weird. She gave me a big hug and called me “sis”—as if that were a totally normal thing or something she’d always called me.

  THANK GOD tomorrow is Memorial Day. Dad and Mom are leaving me alone because I told them I have like a zillion tests this week for finals. Our last day of classes is on Friday, then graduation is on Saturday, but before then I have three papers due—two in AP English, and one in history. I have ZERO idea how all of this is going to get done, but I just have to plow through, starting NOW. I have to get the papers done before Dad makes us all come eat ribs. It’s like his Memorial Day requirement: Everybody has to eat ribs. At least my parents are having friends over so I can just go down, eat a rib, then plead HOMEWORK and come back up here to finish studying.

  Tuesday, May 27

  This morning when we got to school, Ashley asked Jess first thing if Kelly was going to be able to get any “party favors” for the graduation party this weekend, and Jess winked at her and said she was sure that Kyle and Kelly would be able to figure something out. I figured that Ashley might have decided she was done experimenting, but apparently she had fun even though we witnessed that poor girl collapse on the dance floor.

  At lunch Pete and Brandon stopped by where the rest of us were sitting. Carson got really tense, and sort of snapped at them. He told them to just keep walking. Brandon sneered and asked who died and made him the sheriff. Carson jumped up so fast his chair fell backward. Pete pulled Brandon away, but before he did, Carson said in a really quiet voice that the two of them had better back off. I get that Carson is upset about Brandon kissing me, but I didn’t realize he has such a short fuse. I guess I thought he was a little more progressive than that. I mean, it’s not like we’ve had a talk about us being boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s not that I want to date anyone else—I don’t. I just don’t want him to think of me like I’m his property or something. At the same time, I don’t want to make him think that I’m into Brandon or Pete or something.

  This all feels difficult today—like nobody understands each other, and things are getting all weird and mixed up. Or maybe it’s just me. I wish I could cut the rest of my classes today, but after this study hall I have history and then after school we have to freaking march around the football field. Damn this Thanksgiving Day Parade. The last thing I want to do right now is walk in circles holding my clarinet.

  After Pete and Brandon left the lunch table, Kelly called Jess. Kyle had just sent her a link to a news story about that girl who passed out at the club on Saturday. Apparently she took a couple tabs of ecstasy and a whole bunch of GHB—this party drug that you mix in a bottle and drink like Kool-Aid. I guess it makes you feel really drunk. At least that’s what Reid said. He’s done it a couple times before, but he says it’s dangerous and you’re not supposed to mix it with anything else—especially alcohol or other drugs. That girl is in critical condition in the hospital still.

  I hope she’ll be okay.

  Wednesday, May 28

  Jess and Kelly came over after dinner tonight, and Ashley and I went with them to go get some frozen yogurt at a self-serve place. While Kelly and I were sprinkling crushed-up Oreos on top of our chocolate/vanilla swirls, her phone buzzed. Once we got to a table out on the patio, Kelly checked the text message and she got this big grin on her face. She held the phone up to Jess, who yelled, HELLS YEAH! at the top of her lungs, startling everyone in about a three-mile radius.

  The text was from Kyle. He’d scored some molly for this weekend. Ashley got all excited about it and texted Reid. About thirty seconds later, I had a text from Carson, confirming that Reid had told him. News travels fast.

  The bummer about all of this is that Kelly can’t go. The school doesn’t allow students from other schools to come to the graduation party due to “issues of liability.” You have to actually have a valid student ID to set foot in the place, and they usually have a police officer standing guard while the parent volunteers check everyone’s name off a list just in case there’s any issue. I’m not sure why kids from other schools can come to prom but not this party. I think it’s because this party was all about keeping the “children” safe. I can just hear the school board meeting where irate mothers stood up and wailed, “Won’t someone PLEASE think of the CHILDREN?” How is not allowing kids from other schools to come going to help? And what about, oh, I dunno, the night AFTER graduation? And all the nights after that when kids do dumb shit to celebrate getting out of high school?

  Whatever.

  Jess is planning to sneak Kelly in after we get inside. I’m sure THAT won’t go horribly wrong. . . .

  Jeez. What is wrong with me? I wish I were more excited about this. I video chatted with Carson after we got home from the yogurt place and we decided that we’d just drop and then go hang out with each other in the big beanbag pit in the band room. That way we won’t have to deal with Jess and her crazy plan to sneak Kelly in through the fire escape—or however she’s going to do it.

  Carson is so cute. I could stare at his face on the screen for hours.

  Saturday, May 31

  So, we all went to graduation this morning. Reid and Carson got their diplomas, then both of their moms threw an “open house” party this afternoon. We went to Reid’s first, and then Carson’s. Met their grandparents and had food and cake and my mother almost embarrassed me to death in both places. Carson was smirking at me the whole time because he knows my mom drives me crazy. At one point he grabbed my hand and led me through the crowd in his backyard to his room, where he closed the door so we could make out for a little while. When we got back to the party, my mom was in the kitchen with his mom having a glass of wine, and she looked up and said, Well, there you two are!

  She said this really loudly, as if to alert the entire neighborhood that we’d been making out somewhere. Carson walked me to the car when we left and said that he’d see me tonight. When we got back home, Jess and Kelly came over. Ashley came into my room and Kelly pulled out the bag of molly she’d scored from Kyle. Jess got increasingly excited about the party tonight while Ash looked completely terrified. She wanted to know how we were going to “do” it, and let it be known that there was no way she was going to snort anything up her nose. She asked if she could just put it in a drink or something, and Kelly warned her that this was a BAD idea. She explained that it tastes TERRIBLE and that it would ruin any liquid, and that she should “balloon it.”

  Ashley just blinked at her, and Kelly decided we should just go ahead and divvy it all up ahead of time. She got a mirror and showed Jess how to split up the doses evenly. Then she got some toilet paper and tore one square in half, dropped a little mound of powder into it, and twisted it up into a tiny pouch. Kelly did this for each dose, and then very carefully put them into the plastic bag and explained to Jess that it was extremely important th
at she keep the baggie tightly wrapped up so the little wads of molly didn’t come undone and spill out all over the place. Jess said this was no problem and carefully put the baggie into her bra. Her rack is huge. It’s not going to move at all wedged in there.

  Carson and Reid are meeting us here, and then Kelly and Jess have their plan all worked out for when we get into the party tonight. I feel all nervous about this, but I can’t really tell if I’m worried about getting caught or just excited about doing molly. It’s weird, but I think there’s not a lot of difference between feeling keyed up about having fun and terrified about getting caught having fun.

  Carson just texted me:

  We’re on our way!

  Sunday, June 1

  I cannot believe how screwed I am. Note to self: If you have a feeling like it’s a bad idea, PAY ATTENTION. I don’t even know where to start. . . .

  I guess at the beginning of the whole ridiculous evening and the party itself. The graduation bash is always a theme party. This year it was a Knights of the Round Table theme—King Arthur and Lancelot and Guinevere. The school booster club decorated the gym and the hallways to look like a medieval castle, but with lots of balloons. When we walked into the gym, there was a huge castle facade built across the front of the room with a drawbridge that let you walk across a moat, which was this big tank of water with fountains in it. It was actually really elaborate, and it must’ve taken a small army of people to pull off. I know a bunch of alumni who were back from college helped build it. Reid’s dad is a contractor, and he headed up all the construction with his big crew.