I don’t remember how long we were out in the water, but I noticed his cheeks—the ones on his face!—were getting a little pink and I said that maybe we should go inside for a while. We toweled off and carried our water bottles and stuff inside. My hair smelled like chlorine so I asked if I could take a shower, and Carson went into his bathroom and started the water. His shower is beautiful. It’s not a typical showerhead over a tub; it’s a walk-in glass stall with a skylight, and plenty of room for two people. There’s a rain-shower showerhead above, and then two additional jets that come out of the wall.
The sex started in the shower, and at some point, we got out and moved onto Carson’s bed. When he suggested that we dry off and go someplace more comfortable, I remember feeling relieved because I had the thought that we could get a condom. But when we got onto Carson’s bed, the soft sheets against my skin took my breath away, and also the thought of getting a condom. He was kissing me between the legs, and it felt so amazing I couldn’t think about anything else. The molly heightened every sensation and seemed to warp time. How it all happened is a little fuzzy in my head now, but at some point, I realized he was inside me. We’d been fooling around for a while, and he is really talented with his tongue down there, so it wasn’t this horrible horror story that I’d heard about from other people’s first times. Still, it hurt a little and I bled a little even though he went really slowly.
I wonder if I would have said no if I hadn’t been rolling. I mean, now, looking back at it, as much as I am into Carson, I’m not sure what’s happening with us. It seems silly to pretend that we’re going to be together forever in that sort of wide-eyed way that Ashley talks about boys. He’s leaving for college in a couple months, and . . . well, I’m not. Also, I didn’t want my first time to be on drugs. Something about that felt weird. Plus, I really wish he’d used a condom. Still, he’s the sexiest guy I’ve ever been on a date with—the only handsome one, really—and I would be insane to say no to having a first time with somebody when we have a connection like this, right? It’s not that I wish we hadn’t had sex. I just wish I hadn’t been on molly during it. If I hadn’t been, I think I would’ve at least made sure that he was wearing a condom.
As I was sitting across from Carson at dinner and he was joking around with my dad and making up details about our search for his mom’s birthday present, it hit me that Carson didn’t even pull out when he finished, and I suddenly got really scared that I might get pregnant. After a minute, I realized that I’d been staring at Ashley. She saw the look on my face, and got this self-satisfied, smug little grin that made me want to reach across the table and smack it off her.
I walked Carson out to his car when he left, and he told me that he had such a good time with me today. Then he said that he loved me. He actually said it. I said that I loved him too, but something really troubles me about the whole experience. I mean, if he really loved me, wouldn’t he have worn a condom? Wouldn’t he have listened to me when I asked him if he had any instead of just continuing? I don’t want to make it seem like he’s a bad guy—he’s not. I just wish that we hadn’t been high.
For the first time, I wish I hadn’t done molly.
Wednesday, June 17
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Carson texted me a couple times to say he was thinking about how much fun he had yesterday afternoon, and I guess I finally drifted off sometime this morning around two. When I woke up, I heard Mom walking around the house in her high heels and remembered that she had a meeting with a client early today. She left the house at the same time Dad went to work. As soon as I heard both of their cars pull out of the garage, I went outside and got into mine.
I drove directly to the pharmacy—but not the one we usually go to. I went to one over by the mall, and finally found the Plan B One-Step pills. I had heard about these pills that you could take after you had unprotected sex that would keep any fertilized egg from implanting in your womb, but I couldn’t remember what they were called or any of the details about them. I know there was a big fight about it to get them approved because a bunch of people thought they caused abortions. They don’t at all. They just keep you from getting pregnant. Anyway, these pills are EXPENSIVE. The ones at the pharmacy by the mall were $49.99 for a single dose. But what choice did I have? I used my debit card to pay for it and was just glad that I was doing this right away. It works best if you take it within seventy-two hours of having unprotected sex, and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours yet.
You’d think that it would be bad enough that I’m having to spend money on this, but as I was walking to the self-checkout register (which I was really glad they had so I didn’t have to hand my Plan B pill to a checker and be like, Hi. I’m a huge slut . . . ) I came around the corner and ran into Mr. Peterson. Literally. Full-body check. It was possibly the worst experience of my entire life. As I hit him, I of course dropped the Plan B box, and it hit his shoe. He didn’t even see who I was before he bent down to pick it up. He was apologizing for running into me, even though I clearly ran into him, and then he froze when he saw what he was picking up.
I probably should have just turned around and run out of the store right then, but it all happened so fast, and before I knew it, I was staring into Mr. Peterson’s eyes, or trying not to actually, while he handed me my morning-after birth-control pill. When something this horrifying happens, why can’t adults just leave it alone? Why do they have to make it 100,000 times worse? I tried to just head toward the register, but Mr. Peterson reached out and touched my arm and launched into this whole speech about how it was really good to see me and how he has been worried about me, and how sorry he is that the school came down so hard on me. He said that he could probably try to pull a few strings to get me back onto the trip to New York in the fall so I could march in the parade. Finally I just held up my hand and stopped him.
I told Mr. Peterson that I didn’t miss band. That I didn’t need his help. That I just needed him to stop talking so that I could go home. He blinked at me and nodded, then got all flustered and red-faced and turned around and walked away. I paid at the self-checkout and bought a bottle of water, too. When I got outside, I tore open the box, swallowed the pill, glanced over the instructions, then threw away all the evidence: packaging, receipt, everything.
As I got into my car, Carson texted me. He asked if I wanted to meet him for a coffee and a doughnut. I’m smiling just remembering how sweet he was to me this morning when I got there. I told him what had just happened, and he felt really terrible. I said I’d had my embarrassing trip to the pharmacy and now it was his turn. He blushed, and apologized, and promised to get condoms on the way home.
I can’t believe all of this has happened. I mean, if you’d told me two months ago that the band geek with the clarinet would be rolling her ass off and taking Plan B because she had unprotected sex with her hot boyfriend—or whatever he is—I’d have told you that you were nuts. And yet, here I am. The wild child. Mom would be so proud.
Sunday, June 22
It was Derrick’s birthday last night and Reid and Carson decided that we should all roll together. Sara was there with Reid, and Kelly joined us even though Jess is boycotting. It was fun to be back at Derrick’s house with the whole gang, but I really missed Jess. Kelly and I talked about it a little bit, and she seemed to think that it would all work out eventually. They haven’t really been hanging out so I asked if they were officially broken up, and Kelly told me that they’d never officially said that they were girlfriends.
I know what that feels like for sure.
Carson and I have had sex a couple more times since that day we rolled—both times not on drugs, and using condoms. Having sex is fun, and I think I am pretty good at it—or at least getting good at it. Carson says it’s the best sex of his life. Of course, he’s only had sex with three other girls—or at least that’s what he says. He says he loves me, but I’m not sure what our relationship is really about. Part of me is fine with that�
�realistic about it. The other part feels myself growing more attached and sort of depressed about it. I guess that’s why it feels so nice to be on molly with Carson. When we’re rolling together, nothing else matters. It’s just him and me and there’s no problem. I get the overwhelming sensation that everything will be just fine between us—no matter what. That even if he goes off to college, and we both fall in love with other people, things will work out just fine.
It’s only the next morning, when I’m sitting here writing in this damn diary, that I wonder if I’m completely full of shit. Will I just fall apart when he leaves?
Friday, June 26
Carson and I went to see a movie yesterday afternoon, and afterward he wanted to go by Reid’s place. I’d never been to Reid’s house before, and when we got there, Sara was on her way over. She has an internship at a law office downtown this summer. She showed up wearing this black suit with a short skirt and a slim black blazer. Her high heels made her legs look about three hundred feet long. She looked like a lawyer on a TV show—very sophisticated, Reid said. He decided that we should all have sophisticated drinks to match her outfit and started making martinis.
I’d never had a martini and I thought it was kind of gross, so Carson made me a cosmo, which tasted a lot better but got me totally buzzed because it was mainly vodka. We were all hanging out when Reid’s dad came home. He actually joined us for a drink. What is it like to have parents like this? My dad would freak out if he came home and found me and Ashley making drinks with a bunch of friends.
After a little while, Kelly showed up in Kyle’s big SUV and drove us to this club called The Edge. The music was awesome, and she had molly on her. We all dosed in the car and then went in to the most awesome music I’d heard since the Whip5mart concert. Kyle can DJ like nobody’s business. Kelly said that some major labels were talking to him about sending in his EPs and stuff, but Kyle says he can make more money getting on the DJ circuit and selling his mixes on iTunes while he’s in college.
Before I left the car, I texted Mom to tell her that I was staying over at Kelly’s last night, but I actually ended up at Carson’s place. His dad is gone for a week on a business trip to New York, and his mom has gone to Florida to visit her mother for the week, so we had the place to ourselves. We all ended up coming down in Carson’s hot tub. After his set at The Edge, Kyle was on his way over to Carson’s place, and stopped at home to drop off his gear. While he was there, he nabbed a couple of really good bottles of champagne from his parents’ wine fridge.
Reid passed around a bowl in the hot tub and it really helped me get sleepy as I was coming off the molly. Kelly announced that she was going out with Jess tomorrow night, and it made me excited to think that maybe Jess would hang out with us again soon. I really miss her.
This morning when Carson dropped me off, he kissed me and I wondered out loud if we were rolling too much. He smiled and said, I’ve told you before: You’re my girl. I don’t need molly around to have fun.
We decided to just go out to dinner this weekend—only the two of us.
Sunday, June 29
I’m so pissed off right now. I don’t know whether to be more annoyed with myself or Carson. It’s not really his fault, I guess, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what happened last night.
Carson came and picked me up at seven just like he promised. He came in and saw my parents and I reminded them that I was going over to Kelly’s tonight to spend the night after Carson and I went out. I had zero intention of doing that, but Kelly said it was okay if I told them that.
So, we went to dinner. We had a great time. Just the two of us. We didn’t even drink or smoke a bowl beforehand. Carson surprised me and took me to this cool Korean barbecue place where there was a grill in the middle of the table and they bring you raw meat and all the fixings, and you cook it yourself. I had never done anything like that before, and it was really delicious. What was even better than the food was the way that Carson and I got along. I mean, we usually get along and everything, but this was something more. I felt like he was actually my boyfriend last night. He talked about heading to college near San Francisco, and actually talked about me coming up to visit.
Part of me knows that the minute he sets foot on that campus, he’s going to be accosted by at least 100,000 college girls, and I have a feeling he won’t even look back. But there’s this part of Carson that is so painfully sincere, and that was the part that was talking over dinner. I didn’t suddenly, unrealistically, hope that we’d be together forever, but Carson was so honest about his feelings that it made me feel special.
Is that lame? I don’t care. Carson talked to me about how special I am to him and had all these specific things about me that he loved and appreciated, and no, they weren’t all body parts.
This part of last night was so great that it makes me so upset and shaken up about what happened afterward. I guess it’s not unusual that Kelly left me a message and said we should come over to her house. Kyle was having a few friends over for drinks and spinning some tunes before they went to this big club downtown. It was a twenty-one-and-over club so the rest of us couldn’t get in, but we decided to go hang out with Kelly for a little bit before we went back to Carson’s place.
When we got there, Reid and Sara showed up too. We all had some drinks. Carson made me cosmos again and was hanging all over me. He had his arm draped around me the whole night. I had two cosmos and was feeling pretty blitzed when Kyle and all of his friends headed to the club. I was feeling great, so when Kelly brought out the molly, I was all about it.
Carson actually looked at me and asked, Are you sure?
I yelled, HELL YES, and he laughed. But looking back, I was a complete fool. I think Carson would’ve rather gone back to his house and spent the night just the two of us. Instead, we dropped molly.
Kelly had a shit ton of it because Kyle had just gotten a bunch, and we all snorted two points right away. This was about ten thirty p.m., and around two thirty a.m., Kelly decided that we should all do a third. This amped us back up into the stratosphere until about five a.m. We had plenty of water going, and a ton of great music. Kelly put on a whole show for us with glow sticks and some new black lights that Kyle had.
The thing I’m pissed off about is hard for me to even write down. Carson and I were making out in the hot tub as we were coming down. We’d been smoking some cigarettes out by the pool, and then got back in the hot tub, and he slid an arm around me. When I felt his biceps behind my head, I turned into him and cuddled my chin into that little space between his massive shoulder muscle and his neck. My head fit perfectly, and I wrapped a leg around him under the jets. When I did, I felt that he was hard as a rock, and reached down and gently squeezed. He laughed into our kiss and we decided to move inside.
Sara and Reid were lying on the big shag rug in the den. The TV was on and they had it hooked up to some graphics that were streaming from Kyle’s laptop. Some kind of screen saver where the graphics danced along to the beat of the music. Carson and I lay down on the big sectional and started making out again. We were really getting into it, when I felt hands and arms and legs everywhere. It took me a minute to realize that Sara had gotten on the couch behind me and was kissing my neck and back. We were all in various stages of undress, but Carson and I had just been naked in the hot tub and had wrapped up in towels when we came inside, so we were naked in pretty short order.
Here’s the thing: Sara is a really pretty girl, but if you’d asked me when I was sober if I wanted to make out with her, I’d have been like, Uh, no. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just I’m not into girls. But all of a sudden, there’s Sara kissing my neck from behind. Her bra is off and her breasts are pressed up against my back, and as I open my eyes, I see Carson catch a glimpse of the two of us, and the look in his eyes totally turned me on. I wanted to climb onto him right then and there, but I decided I’d give him a little show. Plus, it was sort of pleasant kissing Sara,
so I just decided to go with it.
So I turned to Sara and really started making out with her. Our breasts were rubbing up against each other and stuff, and it was getting me really turned on feeling how hard Carson was. He’d scooted up behind me on the couch when I turned around to make out with Sara, and I could feel he was so hard and had pulled down the towel and was rubbing against me, teasing me from behind. It all felt perfect, so I just backed up against him, and I heard him let out a big breath as he pushed into me.
I just sort of lost myself in it. Having Carson inside of me and feeling his hands running up and down my chest as Sara kissed my mouth and neck . . . the pleasure just coursed through me, wave after wave. I don’t even know how long we’d been having sex, but at some point I opened my eyes and saw Carson smiling at me, staring into my eyes with so much love, and as I pressed back again for the next thrust, I realized that it wasn’t Carson behind me anymore. I was staring at Carson, and Reid was inside me. Sara’s head was buried between Carson’s legs, and he was pulling me close again, kissing me. At first I was alarmed, but that’s the thing about molly—you can’t really hang on to the negative stuff, especially if anything physical is happening to your body. Every sensation is amped up to one hundred times one hundred, and even as I tried to wiggle away from Reid, I could feel him being turned on by it, and I was turned on by the fact that he was turned on. I mean, my body was turned on, but my brain was trying to put the pieces together. Something was wrong. I tried to say “wait” and “no” and “stop,” but did I actually say any of those things? I can’t remember. All I remember is Carson pulling me toward him, feeling his breath on my ear as he told me how beautiful I was and how amazing this felt.
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