Then we were all crying out with pleasure—first Carson, his whole body shuddering again and again as Sara finished him off. The sound of his voice and the feel of his arms quaking around me sent me into another spasm of moans, and as I bucked against Reid, I felt him finish in a fit of jerks and groans.
Afterward, we all collapsed in a pile. We wound up back in the hot tub watching the sun come up, laughing and blissed out and smoking pot and cigarettes. Luckily Kelly was already in her bedroom. A few hours ago, I woke up around noon in Carson’s bed, and all I could think about was Reid behind me, moaning as he finished, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Carson dropped me off back at home, and I didn’t even go inside. I just got in my car and drove back to the drugstore for more Plan B. This is NOT the way this stuff is suppose to be used. I know it. I’m supposed to be responsible enough to actually use condoms. I mean, if I’m adult enough to have sex, I should be adult enough to do it safely, right?
The worst part of all this is that Carson was so silent when he dropped me off. He gave me a kiss good-bye, but things were so great between us when we left the restaurant last night, and now this . . . I just think this has fucked everything up. Everything I felt from him, the respect, and his sweetness, and all of that—did I just kill that by having group sex with him? How can he respect that?
How can I respect that?
ARGH. I am so ANGRY at myself for not saying something. Fucking Reid. And what about Carson? It can’t be all my fault, right? He was there too. When did he decide to switch with Reid? Whose idea was that? And why am I the one who feels guilty about it? I didn’t ever say “YES” to having sex with Reid. Did I even have the opportunity to say no?
Later . . .
Mom and Ashley were out shopping or something this afternoon and I wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat. Dad was standing at the sink staring out the window into the backyard. He turned and looked at me and gave me the sweetest smile. There was something so loving and so sad in his eyes that I just started crying.
He walked over to me and put both arms around me and just held me there in the kitchen for what seemed like the longest time. He didn’t say a word, he just held me. I felt the warmth of his face against my hair as he pressed his lips to the top of my head. I cried until I couldn’t anymore, and as my sobs subsided, Dad handed me a glass of water and asked me if there was something I’d like to talk about.
I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to tell him all about Carson and Reid and what had happened last night at Kelly’s. I wanted to tell him how good it felt to do molly, and how bad it felt to not be sure about what happened last night.
Dad stood there and waited for a long time. I drank my water and handed the glass back to him. As he took it he smiled that sad smile again and said that he remembered a time when I told him all of my secrets.
I guess that time is long gone now. I could never tell my dad any of this. I could never tell anyone any of this.
As good as it feels to roll, as much fun as I have doing molly, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. I mean, I just had unsafe sex again—with a whole group of people. I don’t know where Reid has been or what Sara has been up to at college. And regardless of whether my body felt good during the whole experience, my brain was in a different place. Molly can make my body feel good at times when I feel like I should be questioning what’s really going on.
I’ve sent Carson a few texts, but I haven’t heard back, which is unlike him and makes me really upset. I wonder if he hates me or thinks I’m a scum ball now. I wonder if he thinks I’m a dirty slut. Screw him if he does. He’s the one who kept telling me how good it felt. Why is it that I would call myself a slut and not him?
Monday, June 30
I just got back from seeing Jess for the first time in what seems like forever. She was sort of wary of me at first, but she warmed up as we talked. I still haven’t heard back from Carson. This is the first time we’ve gone without at least texting each other for a full twenty-four hours since prom. It feels so weird.
I told Jess that Carson has become more than a boyfriend—he’s actually a really good friend to me now. I didn’t tell her about the group sex right then, but I told her about the rest of the sex—even the unsafe first time and the Plan B and running into Mr. Peterson in the pharmacy. She thought that whole story was absolutely brilliant. She laughed so hard, and I started laughing because her laugh is contagious, and we couldn’t stop for a long time.
Just like that we were right back to normal. She made us cosmos and we sat out on her patio by the hot tub and drank and talked. She said she’s really been missing Kelly, but it was hard for her to see her part in the whole dehydration-at-the-pool dance incident. She said she wanted to blame Kelly, and me, and Carson, but at the end of the day, she was the one who wasn’t drinking enough water. I hugged her and got all choked up and told her how sorry I was that I hadn’t insisted on going to the hospital with her that night.
I asked her what she was going to do about Kelly, and she shrugged and told me she was going to just take it slow. They have dinner plans tomorrow night, and Jess said she’s excited to see her again.
Then Jess turned to me and said, Okay: Spill it. What’s eating at you?
I love that it doesn’t matter how long we spend apart, Jess knows when I’m not telling her everything. I told her that Carson hadn’t been texting me back. I didn’t want to tell her that I was afraid it was because we’d had group sex with Reid, but somehow Jess pried it out of me. I swore her to secrecy, and she rolled her eyes at me and said, Really? This is me you’re talking to.
I spilled the whole sordid story, and you know what her response was? She looked me straight in the eyes as I cried tiny tears and she said: You skinny bitches have ALL THE FUN.
We cracked up so hard, and as we were gasping for breath, she told me that the reason Carson wasn’t texting me back is because he was worried about the fact that his penis and Reid’s penis had been naked and hard and so close to each other. I giggled so hard at this and told her that was ridiculous—that Sara and I were full-on making out. Why would the guys be weird about being naked together on opposite sides of me? Jess told me that girl sexuality is way more fluid in our culture than boy sexuality, and she guaranteed me that Carson and Reid were both coming to terms with the fact that they’d been naked together and what that meant.
Jess said that Dr. Kinsey had proven years ago that human sexuality was a continuum. She said, Let’s just put it this way: After Saturday night, Reid and Carson are both coming to grips with the fact that they both fall closer to the middle of the curve than they do to the “straight” end of that curve.
And just like that, I had my best friend back.
Tuesday, July 1
Carson FINALLY called me back today.
He apologized for not texting me. Then he came over and we went on a walk around the neighborhood. He said that he wasn’t freaked out about the whole group-sex thing. I brought it up right away, and he just held my hand and we talked through it. He said that Reid had initiated the big switch off, and he was still so high on the third hit of molly that he didn’t stop Reid. Then he started crying. His eyes filled up with tears at least. He didn’t sob like a baby or anything, but he stopped and pulled me close and said that he was so sorry. That he never meant to hurt me, and it made him so upset that I thought he’d ever want to share me with anybody else—especially Reid.
I took his face in my hands and kissed him right there on the street. I said that this was exactly what I wanted to hear, and all the fear and nervousness of the past couple days slipped away. I said that I was a big girl and I had a responsibility to stick up for myself and say NO when I didn’t want something. Molly had made all that fuzzy the other night. We agreed on safe sex from now on. And only sex with the two of us.
When we got back to my house, my mom had made fresh-squeezed lemonade, like someone in a picture book or a movie
on Lifetime. Carson blinked at my mother, and said, Your mom is magic. Of course, Mom insisted that he stay for dinner after that.
As we were finishing up dessert, the doorbell rang and I got up to open it. Before I could even say hello, Jess and Kelly burst into the entryway, and Jess practically yelled: Why haven’t you answered ANY of my texts? I’ve been calling and texting for HOURS. Then she saw everyone sitting at the dinner table, and sheepishly waved.
Jess and Kelly had some dessert, and then I went up to my room with them and Carson. Kelly asked Ashley if she was coming, but she settled onto the couch and said that she was going to watch a movie, basically giving Kelly the cold shoulder. She glared at me as I left the room, and I wondered how I would pay for all this later.
Upstairs, Kelly filled us in on the big news: It was just announced that Whip5mart is playing the Flaming Daisy Carnival over the July 4 weekend. Flaming Daisy is this big rave and electronic musical festival at the polo fields on the edge of town. The Whip5mart appearance is a surprise and the festival was already going to be sold out, but Kelly was able to wrangle tickets from her brother’s friend who is a big club promoter. Unfortunately, Kyle was only able to get four tickets, and Reid, Sara, Kelly, and Jess are using them. Kelly has already put in a “big order” for molly with her brother, and he was working on finding another couple of tickets for me and Carson.
Carson said it was okay that there wasn’t a ticket for him because he has to go on a family vacation next week. Jess said she was just excited about the music because what she remembers of that night at the pool was that the music was off the chain. She said she won’t do molly, but Kelly has convinced her to come along anyway. That it will be fun.
I’m really upset that Carson can’t come. Even if I can get a ticket, it won’t be half as much fun without him. Of course, I’ve spent over a hundred dollars on birth control in the last month, so even if they find a ticket for me, I probably can’t afford it. I didn’t actually say that last little detail, but Jess and Kelly were bummed that Carson couldn’t come too. Kelly tried to convince me to come without him, but I told her I didn’t think I could afford it, and she understood.
After Jess and Kelly left, Carson told me he was leaving with his parents the day after tomorrow. They’re all going to Mexico. His dad has some work thing there, so his mom is insisting that they go along so they can have a “family vacation.”
He said he wanted to make sure he had me all to himself for dinner tomorrow night. I assured him that he had me all to himself anytime he wanted.
Wednesday, July 2
OH MY GOD, HE’S INCREDIBLE.
All my fears about Carson not being into me when he wasn’t texting me back? Well, he totally made up for all that. We went to dinner tonight at a Mexican restaurant. When the waiter brought our food, he dropped off my enchiladas, and then placed a smaller plate next to it and said, And here’s your side of Flaming Daisy. I looked at him, confused, and he just smiled and left, and then I looked at the plate and there were TWO PASSES TO FLAMING DAISY SITTING ON IT! I couldn’t believe it!
Carson had gotten phone numbers from Kyle, and spent all day tracking down passes. I don’t even want to know how much he paid for them. I was bouncing around in the booth and sort of tackled him on his side before I stopped and asked him about his family vacation. He explained that his dad had gotten called to some big meeting in Taiwan, so they’d had to postpone the Mexico trip. His mom had already changed her tickets to fly to Portland to see her sister for the weekend. She wanted him to come with her, but he told her that he was staying so he could take me to Flaming Daisy instead.
I can’t wait for this weekend! Everything kicks off on Friday night. We’ll drive down Friday afternoon. There’s a big campground on one of the polo fields, and all the music stages and tents are set up on the other polo field. They have trailers with bathrooms and showers at one end of the campground, so you just pitch a tent in the middle of the field, and you’re all set for the weekend. Carson has already reserved camping passes for us. We’re going to get settled on Friday night, then spend all day Saturday and Sunday seeing bands and DJs play.
Of course, Kelly has a massive order of molly, too, so this is going to be a weekend to remember.
Thursday, July 3
If my sister thinks she can ruin this weekend and make me as miserable as she is, she’s wrong. I am so angry I can barely hold my pen. My whole body is shaking. I just yelled at my parents and Ashley and came up to my room and locked the door. My mom was so pissed off at me that she chased me up here and banged on the door and yelled for at least fifteen minutes. If she thinks I’m going to open that door and let her in, she has another thought coming. I am going to the Flaming Daisy Carnival with Carson. And I am going to do molly. And I won’t let anything get in my way. Not Ashley and her pathetic whining. Not my parents and their “concern.” I am going to feel good and there is nothing they can do to stop me.
This all started because Ashley is jealous of me. She’s spent the past month moping around the house feeling sorry for herself and whining about how Reid was a jerk. It wasn’t enough for her to feel badly. She has to make EVERYONE feel as badly as she does, so she TOLD MOM AND DAD about how I was still doing molly.
Dad sat down at dinner, and Mom was shockingly quiet and Ashley had this look on her face—I can’t explain it, but I just felt this punch right in my gut, and I had this moment where I realized I was about to be ambushed. And then Dad looked at me and said, We need to have a talk about your drug use.
I swear to god that Ashley actually smiled at me across the table when he said it, and I just looked at her and said, You bitch.
Mom gasped like she’d been shot, and then Dad started telling me that my language was unacceptable and that I was not to speak like that to my sister. I told him that I was done trying to pretend that we were some wonderful happy family when it was clear that Ashley and Mom were a team, and Ashley was just jealous of me because Reid had dumped her.
Ashley stood up and pushed her chair back and leaned across the table to yell at me. She told me that Reid had come crawling back to her yesterday because Sara was so pissed off at him about what happened at Kelly’s the other night. I just blinked at her and felt like I was going to throw up. I yelled that she needed to shut up, and she just threw her head back and laughed at me. She pointed at Mom and Dad and said, Why? So they don’t find out about your little four-gy? Oh, don’t worry, they already know.
I looked at Mom and then at Dad, and they were both stone-faced. Mom looked sort of green and Dad had tears running down his face. God! I am so tired of him crying at the drop of a hat. I was so pissed off at Ashley that I just yelled at her again to shut up, and then she folded her arms across her chest and looked supremely satisfied with herself. She told me that it was too late. That I couldn’t shut her up. She said that Sara had gotten wind that Reid was trying to get Ashley back. Sara was so pissed at him that she called Ashley and told her that Reid had screwed me that night at Kelly’s house while we were all high on molly—while Carson was watching. Then, to top off this little recap, she shouted at me that Sara had told everyone. Her eyes flashed a strange triumph over me at the dinner table as she shouted, Now everyone knows you’re a TOTAL SLUT.
When she said that, I picked up my water glass and threw the entire thing at her head. She got drenched with water, but dodged the glass. It hit the edge of the stool at the kitchen counter behind her and shattered into a million pieces. Dad stood up and roared at the two of us to BE QUIET THIS INSTANT.
Dad looked at me with so much anger and hurt in his eyes. He told me that he wanted me to go to my room and that I would not be doing anything with Carson ever again, or even leaving the house without him or my mom for the rest of the summer. He said that they’d called several recovery centers and that tomorrow afternoon we had an appointment at one of them so that we could talk to a counselor about my “addiction.”
I just laughed at him, and my mom said
that this was NO LAUGHING MATTER, which just made me think the entire thing was even funnier. Please. Like I’m the one who has a problem. I said this and then told them that Ashley was the one with all the problems and she just couldn’t stand the idea that I actually had a hot boyfriend who loved me, and a great group of friends, and that I could handle partying a little without losing my freaking mind and gushing all over a teacher—which is how we got into this freaking mess in the first place.
Dad tried to shout me down and tell me that I was wrong about all of this—that I had some sort of drug problem. I told him he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Molly isn’t physically addictive. I told him to go online and at least do a little research before he started throwing around terminology he didn’t understand. I’ve done plenty of research online. The people on that forum talk about this all the time—how they can quit anytime they want to with no physical withdrawal symptoms.
Dad didn’t want to hear any of this. I told him that I wasn’t addicted at all. He said that he was glad to hear it because that meant I could quit and I’d be just fine. I laughed and said, Oh, I COULD quit, but I don’t WANT to.
He shook his head and said, You are not going to the Flaming Daisy Carnival this weekend.
I just smiled at him and said, TRY TO STOP ME.
Then I marched up here to my room and locked the door. If these crazy fuckers think they can stop me from going to that festival, they don’t know me very well.
Friday, July 4
Happy INDEPENDENCE DAY, BITCHES!
I bet there will be some fireworks when Mom figures out I gave her the slip. She got into the shower this morning after Ashley went for a run, and Dad had gone to his office to pick up some health insurance information so he could give it to whatever drug rehab counseling place they were going to take me to. Fuck that. I texted Carson and told him that I needed to get out of here. I told him a little about Ashley and Reid and Sara and that my parents had found out. He parked down the block, and while Mom was in the shower, I left. I locked my bedroom door and pulled it closed behind me, so that’ll buy me a little time.
Dancing with Molly Page 13