Paint It Black

by Michelle Perry

  “And if he doesn’t?”

  I shrugged. “Then he’ll have to get out. I can’t live like that, under someone’s thumb. I won’t.”

  He walked me to my car. For a moment, we simply stared at each other in the amber glow of the security lights. Being this close to him, seeing the concern in his eyes, made my heart do this crazy little jitterbug it had no business doing. I swallowed hard and reached for the door handle. He grabbed my wrist. Only inches separated us. I felt a funny pain in my chest and realized I was holding my breath.

  He squinted at me. “Man, I hate to let you go like this. Are you sure you’re gonna be all right?”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Our whole team was tight, but whether it was because of our ages, our poor upbringings, or simply the fact that we got thrown on more assignments together, I’d always felt particularly close to Cougar and Angel. Now something was changing between Cougar and me, at least on my part. I tried to tell myself it was nothing, that I was only imagining things because of my troubles with Grady, but lately, every time I was with Cougar, I found myself thinking of how easy it was to be with him. Maybe it was some kind of safety mechanism. After all, only an idiot would fall for a guy like Cougar, a handsome charmer who had his pick of women. But I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be involved with a man who accepted me for what I was. Somebody who not only accepted me, but maybe even admired me a little, too. Grady didn’t even respect me anymore.

  “Necie?”

  I shook my head, clearing the cobwebs. Cougar folded me in his arms, and for a moment, I lay my head on his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

  Finally, I pulled away. “I gotta go,” I whispered, and he nodded.

  “Do you promise you’ll call if you need me? If he starts any crap—”

  “I promise.” I climbed inside the car, expecting him to walk away, but he simply stood there. When I pulled away, I dared a glance in the rearview mirror. He hadn’t moved.

  “Get it together,” I said, and flipped on the radio.

  While scanning the stations, I became annoyed by the inane banter of the evening DJs and switched it off again. My thoughts returned to Grady and his humiliating accusation. In place of the anger I’d first felt, I was consumed by an unrelenting sadness.

  Was my marriage over? Did I want it to be? Was he too greedy, too needy, or was I the selfish one? I could no longer be sure.

  When I got home, I found a fully clothed Grady sitting on the toilet seat with his face in his hands. I walked into the bathroom and propped against the bathroom sink. “We need to talk.”

  “Not now,” he mumbled.

  “Yes, Grady, now.”

  For some reason, I found myself staring at our reflections in the mirrored shower door. This wasn’t love. Not anymore. This was something scary and angry and bitter and heartbreaking. I was tired of walking a minefield every time I stepped through my front door. Still, the words jolted me when I spoke them out loud. “Grady, I’m leaving.”

  His blond head snapped up. “What? Necie, no!” Tears filled his eyes, and I twisted around, unable to look at him.

  “I can’t live like this anymore. It’s killing me.”

  “Necie—”

  I hugged myself and faced him. I felt like I was outside myself. This couldn’t be me. This cool, flat voice didn’t even sound like me. “Grady, you had no right. I’ve never cheated on you, and I’ve never given you reason to think I have.”

  His face reddened, whether from embarrassment or anger, I couldn’t tell. I could no longer read him.

  “You’re never here,” he said. “What was I supposed to think?”

  That was pretty weak. He sounded like a petulant child, and that snapped me out of the numbness that enveloped me. I threw my arms wide. “Never here? We’ve spent more time together in the past few days than we ever have.”

  He glared at me. “There’s a difference between spending time with me and killing time until you have an excuse to leave again. Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I don’t feel that?”

  “That’s not true,” I said, battling to speak over the lump in my throat. “I want to be with you, but…”

  “But what?”

  “You’re suffocating me.”

  “You’re abandoning me!” he yelled.

  I rubbed my forehead. Neither of us said anything for a long moment. How could this have happened to us? I felt almost desperate to understand. “It didn’t use to be like this, not as bad. Why now, Grady? Why do you need me so much after all these years?”

  He gave a bitter laugh. “You make me feel so pathetic. What am I supposed to say, Denise? Maybe the real question is why you don’t need me anymore. How do you think it makes me feel, knowing that if Bill or any of those other people you work with called you right now, you’d be out the door, and I can’t even get you to sit down to a family meal with me?”

  His words tore at me. I walked over and knelt in front of him. “Grady, you know what that was about. One of my friends was missing, and the person responsible was my own father. I had to be there.”

  “Okay, fine. Forget all that. Barnes is in jail. You’ve told me all this time that’s what you wanted, that’s what you were working toward, but I can’t even get you to take a leave of absence.”

  “I never said I wouldn’t.”

  “You didn’t have to say it. When I suggested we have another baby, you went as rigid as a wall.”

  “That wasn’t because of my job,” I said softly. “It was because of your drinking. You have a problem, Grady. Can’t you see it’s getting worse?”

  He stared at the floor. With a sigh, I turned to leave.

  “What if I quit drinking?” he said. “Would you stay? I don’t want to split up our family, Necie. If I quit drinking, will you take a few months off, let us see if we can fix this thing?”

  A million thoughts ran through my head, most of them concerning Abby. Shouldn’t I do everything in my power to keep us together, for her?

  Turning back to Grady, I said, “Yes.”

  “What?”

  I cleared my throat. “If you promise to quit drinking, I’ll turn in my request for leave tomorrow. It’ll probably take it a couple of weeks to process, but if you’re willing to fight for us, I am, too.”

  “Are you serious?” He lurched to his feet and gave me a faltering smile. “You would do that for me?”

  “Yes,” I said, but as he took me in his arms, I felt like part of me was dying.

  CHAPTER

  6

  The next day, I left home half an hour early so I could speak to Bill in private before our team’s Monday morning meeting. As expected, he was already in the boardroom, scribbling notes on a dry-erase board.

  “Hey, Denise!” he said, and checked his watch.

  “I’m early. I need to talk.”

  He turned and gave me a quizzical look, then motioned me forward. “What’s on your mind?”

  I put my request for leave in his hands before I could change my mind. He glanced down at it, then peered at me over the top of his eyeglasses. “Is something wrong?”

  The fatherly concern in his eyes was too much. I pinched the bridge of my nose and said, “I don’t know what else to do.”

  “Honey, what is it?” He prodded me toward a chair. “Is it the team? Has somebody done something—”

  “No, it’s—” I pushed a wave of hair out of my face and fought to speak over the lump in my throat. “This is so damn hard.”

  “Let me guess… Grady,” Bill muttered. He squinted at the paper again. “Six months? Denise, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but are you sure this is the answer? Six months is a lifetime in the DEA.”

  I chewed my already ragged thumbnail. “It’s my job or my marriage, Bill. I don’t think I can have both anymore. At least not for awhile.”

  “Why not?”

  When I didn’t answer, Bill cursed and leaned back in the met
al chair. “You shouldn’t have to choose, Necie. You’re a damn good DEA agent.”

  I forced a smile, but my heart was breaking. “But apparently I’m a piss-poor wife.”

  Bill’s face reddened. “Who says it’s you? What if I said Grady was a clingy, selfish little—”

  “Don’t,” I said, and took his hand. “Please, just … don’t. I have to think about Abby and what’s best for her.”

  Loud laughter from the hallway made us both look up. I heard Cougar’s voice and knew I was almost out of time.

  “Please, Bill,” I said. “Don’t tell the others yet. Let me do it.”

  He nodded and tugged at his beard. “This is a mistake, Necie. Don’t lose yourself trying to please someone else, even if he is your husband.”

  The door burst open, and Cougar dragged Tucker through it in a headlock.

  “Who is she?” Cougar asked, and skinned his knuckles over Tuck’s head.

  “Let … go,” Tucker gasped.

  The pair stumbled against the table. I winced when it screeched across the floor.

  Bill stood and stepped toward them. “Boys, cool it.”

  Cougar released him. Tucker staggered away from him and flopped into the chair beside me.

  Cougar pointed at Tucker. “This ain’t over. You’re gonna tell me.”

  “Tell him what?” I asked, as Ubi and Linda walked through the door.

  “The name of the woman who sent him all those cookies to Angel’s room.” Cougar grinned and ruffled Tuck’s sweaty brown hair. In a singsong voice, he said, “Tucker’s got a girlfriend.”

  Tucker shot him a dirty look before he noticed we were all gaping at him.

  “What?” he demanded.

  This was big news. Our terminally shy Tuck had a girlfriend?

  I smiled, the cloud hanging over my head momentarily dissipating. “What? Tell me, Tuck. Whisper in my ear.”

  I didn’t really expect him to, but he leaned over and cupped his hand to my head.

  “Anne Marie,” he whispered. “Angel’s physical therapist.”

  “Oh!” I leaned back and punched his shoulder. “Hey, I know her. She’s cute!”

  “Who?” Cougar asked, dropping into the chair on the other side of me.

  I mimed zipping my lips, and Cougar snorted. He pushed me aside to wink at Tucker. “Man, did you ever screw up. You know Necie can be bought. A Big Mac, a Snickers bar…she’ll sell you out.”

  “Nuh-uh!” I said, but Tuck looked worried. Cougar grabbed my shoulders and pulled me backward against him. “Who is it, Necie? Tell me.” He started tickling me. “Tell me!”

  “Stop it!” I gasped, slapping at his hands. “Tuck, help me.”

  Bill banged his fist on the table. “Kids, kids … man, I feel like a kindergarten teacher. Settle down. We’ve got work to do.”

  Cougar smiled and leaned back. He made one last feint at my ribs, and laughed when I flinched.

  Bill rolled his eyes, and turned to Linda, who occupied the seat on the end. “You start.”

  We went through our routine, giving him a brief update on the cases we were working, then he threw out the new business.

  “Okay,” he said. “I need a husband/wife for an undercover op this weekend. Any takers?”

  “Timeline?” Cougar asked.

  “At best, a couple days. Could turn into a couple weeks though, depending on how twitchy our host is. We probably won’t get it kicked off until the weekend.”

  Cougar leaned back in his chair and scratched his chin. “How ‘bout it, Neese? Will you marry me?”

  I thought about the paper on Bill’s clipboard and wondered how long it would take it to be processed. “Ah, I’d better pass on this one.”

  The room fell silent. We had a pretty clean system for stuff like this: Cougar, Angel, and I loved the undercover assignments. Linda, Ubi, and Tucker preferred to stay behind the scenes. I could only imagine what they were thinking.

  “O-kay,” Cougar said slowly. “Well, what do you say, Linda? I swear it’s not a rebound thing.”

  Linda winked. “You’re not exactly my type, hon, but what the hell?”

  That got a laugh, because we all knew Linda’s type ran petite, blond, and decidedly female.

  I felt Cougar’s gaze on me as Bill talked, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. I spent the rest of the meeting wondering how I was going to tell him I was leaving.

  I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want to leave any of them.

  Bill marked something on his clipboard and said, “That’s all I’ve got. See you guys later.”

  Ubi and Tucker headed for the door, announcing that they had to be in court by ten. I pushed away from the table. With nothing pressing on my agenda, I thought about asking Cougar if he wanted to grab breakfast. Before I could get the words out, Kimberly Lausen edged inside the open door. Her beautiful face lit in a smile when her gaze landed on Cougar. “Hey, Jason. Got a sec?”

  “Sure.” Cougar stood and brushed my shoulder when he moved past. I felt a twinge of jealousy while I watched him hurry to her. They stood close together. She was nearly as tall as Cougar, and every hair of her stunning auburn hair fell neatly in place. I had to admit, they looked good together. He smiled when she tucked a piece of paper in the front pocket of his shirt.

  Forcing my attention away from them, I glanced at Linda. She was watching them, too.

  “Thanks for taking the assignment,” I said. “I’ve got a lot of things going on right now.”

  She wrinkled her nose and smiled. “Ah, pretend marriage to Cougar doesn’t sound too traumatizing, even to me.” With a wink, she added, “That boy’s almost sexy enough to make a woman change her mind.”

  I chuckled, thinking of how I hadn’t met a woman yet who seemed immune to Cougar’s charms.

  Because of our different assignments, I didn’t get to see Cougar again until Wednesday night, when we shared a shift at the hospital. Thankfully, Grady had let up a little about the visits since I’d agreed to take the time off. I waited until I got Abby tucked in before I headed to the hospital.

  The guys were watching a basketball game. Angel’s bed was cranked in an upright position, and he looked almost normal sitting there, though he still couldn’t talk or grasp a pen for very long. Cougar sat eating pretzels, his feet propped on Angel’s bed. His socks were so white I found myself wondering if he did his own laundry.

  “Hey, Neese,” he said around a mouthful of chips. “Celtics and Knicks. Who you got?”

  “Knicks.”

  “That’s my girl!” He winked at Angel. “Two against one. You gotta get better, pal. This ain’t any fun without you yelling at the TV.”

  I sat on the other side of the bed and squeezed Angel’s foot. “Aside from your misguided hoops alliances, you doing all right today?”

  Angel blinked. I kicked off my shoes and stretched out on the bed beside him, careful not to disturb his IV lines. A blanket of sadness fell over me, nearly crushing me when I thought of all the time I’d spent with these two men, of how deeply I cared for them both. We’d started in the DEA as kids, and had done a lot of growing up together in the past eight years. The thought of spending the next six months without them left me feeling miserable and afraid. I told myself that I’d still see them, that they’d still be around, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same. It would never be the same again.

  “Spill it,” Cougar said. “You look like you lost your best squirrel dog.”

  I fingered the edge of Angel’s cotton blanket, unable to muster a smile. “I, uh, put in for some time off.”

  Cougar was silent for a moment. Then he nodded. “That’s good. Take a couple weeks off, go somewhere warm. Take Abby to Disney World—”

  “I put in for six months.”

  It hurt me to see the shock on his face. In some twisted way, this was harder than when I told Grady I was leaving. Cougar had never wronged me, never hurt me. I felt like I was betraying him. Abandoning him at a time when he needed me mo
st.

  “Necie, no!” he said, and the ragged tone of his voice twisted the knife a little deeper. He dropped his feet to the floor and leaned forward. Then he stood and walked over to the window, staring down at the lights below. “Why?” he asked without turning around.

  “I’m trying to save my marriage. Grady said he’d stop drinking if I took some time off.”

  Angel’s slack, handsome face turned toward mine, and the compassion I found in his dark eyes was more than I could bear. A tear slid down my nose, then another.

  Cougar whirled. “You mean, you’re giving up your career so he’ll give up a habit? You think that’s fair?”

  “I’m not giving up my career. It’s only a few months.” Even as I said it, the words felt hollow and false.

  “Bullshit. C’mon, Denise … if Grady gets you out that long, do you really think he’ll let you come back?”

  “What can I do, Cougar? I have a little girl to think about.”

  “Yeah, you have a little girl to think about. Do you think it’s setting a good example for her to see her mother give up a job she loves just to please some jealous asshole?”

  I rose from the bed and took his place at the window, staring down at the twinkling lights of North Broad Street. My shoulders shook from the force of the tears I’d sworn I wasn’t going to cry.

  Cougar slipped up behind me and draped an arm around my neck. He pulled me to him in a gentle head-lock, and buried his face in my hair. Somehow this was harder to take than his yelling at me.

  “Don’t leave me,” he said. “Please don’t leave me. I’ve got two people in this world that I can depend on, and they’re both in this room. I don’t want to lose you.”

  The door opened, and I pulled away from him. The nurse did a double take at my tearstained face, then hurriedly checked Angel’s vitals and left.

  I sat in the chair Cougar had abandoned and leaned my head against the wall. “I don’t want to leave—”

  “Then don’t.” Cougar sat on the bed in front of me.

  “It’s not that easy—”

  “Yes, it is. Just tell the bastard to grow a spine. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be so threatened by you.”