Paint It Black

by Michelle Perry

  Cougar arrived ten minutes early in one of the raid vans. We met him in the parking lot.

  “Hey, ladies,” he said, and gave me a look that made my face heat when I thought about the kiss we’d shared the night before.

  He helped Abby into the back and fastened her seat belt.

  “I hope you don’t regret this,” I whispered when I climbed inside.

  But I found my tension loosening almost as soon as we were on our way. Cougar and Abby joked and chatted. She seemed like a different kid from the surly one I’d spent the morning with.

  At the shelter, Abby immediately took up with a little blond girl named Kaylee. They played together while Cougar and I handed out presents, though Abby insisted on giving Kaylee hers.

  Abby walked over to me as Kaylee ripped the bright wrapping paper from her gift. “Okay, Mama,” she said. “Give me the rest of hers.”

  Cougar and I glanced at each other, then I squatted beside Abby. “Sorry, baby. That’s it.”

  “Oh,” she said, and looked over her shoulder at her new friend. Resting her head on my shoulder, she said, “Do you think we can bring her back something? One of my presents?”

  “I think that would be nice,” I said, and kissed her forehead.

  Abby smiled and ran back to Kaylee.

  “You’re a genius,” I told Cougar, and he squeezed my shoulder.

  “Hey, what are you and Abby doing this evening? I don’t want to intrude, but if you didn’t have anything going on, I had another idea.”

  I thought about how lonely he’d seemed at Thanksgiving, and didn’t think Abby would mind if we shared our Christmas Eve.

  I smiled. “No plans. What do you have in mind?”

  “An old-fashioned Christmas,” he said with a wink. “Let’s get out of here and find ourselves a tree.”

  When Abby scrambled back into the van, she said, “Hey, you left two boxes in here.”

  “I know,” Cougar said. “Those are for us. No peeking.”

  We stopped at the deli on the corner to buy ham, potato salad, and bread, then drove nearly forty minutes out of town to a Christmas tree farm. Abby had never had a real tree before, and she clapped her hands in delight when Cougar told her to pick one out.

  “Before I get the environmental lecture …” He draped an arm around my shoulder and pointed across the yard at the proprietor, who was busy helping a couple of other last-minute customers. “That guy recycles. I just have to bring it back here when we’re done. They make mulch and stuff out of them.”

  “Okay,” I said. “But I don’t have any decorations.”

  “You let me handle that.”

  Back at the apartment, Cougar wrestled the fat tree through the door while Abby and I carried the boxes and groceries in. After we got the tree upright in front of the window, I left them prowling through the boxes while I went to make sandwiches.

  Upon reentering the living room, I gaped at the odd assortment of supplies spread across the living room floor. “What are you doing?” I asked.

  Cougar smiled up at me. “We’re going to make our own decorations. I promise, I’ll clean up the mess. Mama never bought any of that stuff at the store, except for lights.”

  He seemed as excited as Abby, and that was saying something. They devoured their food in record time. Cougar was showing Abby how to cut snowflakes out of typing paper before I was even halfway finished with my sandwich.

  I stood and brushed my hands on my pants. “What can I do?”

  Cougar reached into the box and tossed me a couple of packs of microwave popcorn. “Would you?”

  “Sure.”

  By the time I returned with the popcorn, Cougar was helping Abby glue sequin eyes on cut-out gingerbread men. I sat on the floor beside him and munched a handful of popcorn.

  Cougar nodded at the box. “Mom sent a package of peanut-butter candy and fudge.”

  “Oooh, I love your mother!” I set the popcorn aside and dug the Christmas tin out of the box. Jerking the lid off, I inhaled deeply. “Oh, man …”

  I abandoned the popcorn while we still had enough to string and stuffed my face with chocolate. We spent the afternoon laughing, eating, and decorating. Cotton-ball snowmen, toothpick-and-pipe-cleaner reindeer…I couldn’t believe all the things Cougar could make out of nothing. I was seeing a whole new side of him, and Abby seemed as dazzled and charmed as I was.

  “Ta da!” Cougar yelled.

  Abby and I clapped when he plugged in the lights.

  “We’ve never had a more beautiful tree,” I said.

  The dingy little apartment suddenly seemed like a home. It even smelled like one. Pine, chocolate, Elmer’s glue … the occasional whiff of Cougar’s cologne.

  “Now what, Martha Stewart?” I asked while Cougar swept the floor.

  He mimed swatting me with the broom. “Now we color. Wanna color, Abby?”

  “Yes!”

  “I’m going to fix hot chocolate,” I said, while he pulled a stack of Christmas coloring books out of the box.

  In the kitchen, I smiled and hugged myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so content. It was scary to feel optimistic about anything, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to help it.

  I stirred the chocolate in the cups, then wandered back to the living room. “Now, be careful,” I said. “It’s—”

  “Shhhh,” Cougar said.

  I glanced at him and he winked. Abby’s cheek lay on her coloring page, a red crayon dangling from her fingers. She was fast asleep.

  “Oh!” I said with a laugh.

  “One minute she was talking, the next… she just fell over.” He shrugged and pushed himself up. “Want me to carry her to her room?”

  “Yeah.”

  Abby mumbled, but didn’t wake when he lifted her. I ran ahead of them to turn down her blankets.

  “She’s a doll,” Cougar said, and gently brushed a kiss on her forehead.

  I pulled the blankets up under her chin and did the same.

  He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I leaned into him. Like an old married couple, we walked back to the living room.

  I looked at the tree, then smiled up at him. “You are just full of surprises, aren’t you?”

  “Got one more.”

  He pulled away from me and reached into the box to pull out two presents. One bore Abby’s name in bold letters, the other mine. He put it in my hands.

  “Oh, Cougar. You really shouldn’t have. I didn’t—”

  He silenced me with a finger to my lips. “Open it.”

  I tore back the paper to reveal a slim ivory photo album. A lump rose in my throat when I thought about what I’d said to him the night of the fire, and that he’d remembered.

  “It’s beautiful,” I whispered. “I can’t wait to fill it with new memories.”

  He smiled. “We’ll have to get you another one for that. This one’s already full.”

  I stared at him, then flipped open the first page. An eight-by-ten of my mother stared back at me. I gasped. “Wh-how did you get this?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a rueful grin. “That was the Kim favor from last night. She’s got a friend who works with the DMV. That’s an old license photo that we blew up.”

  A tear slipped down my cheek, followed by another. I swiped them away with the back of my hand and kept flipping. Pictures of Abby filled the pages.

  “I got most of those from Bill, but we all had a few. I spent half the night at the CVS making copies.”

  The back section was filled with pictures of our team. With a shaking hand, I touched one of me sandwiched between Cougar and Angel at last year’s New Year’s Eve party.

  I snapped the book shut harder than I intended to and threw myself into Cougar’s arms, hugging him fiercely. “Thank you!”

  He hugged me back, then tilted my chin up and wiped away my tears.

  “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s the best
present I’ve ever gotten. I just feel guilty, because I don’t have anything to give you.”

  “You’ve given me today,” he said quietly. “This is the first time I’ve felt at home in ten years.”

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I tugged him to me and kissed him. His arms closed around my waist, pulling me up tight against him as the kiss deepened.

  This kiss was different. I felt more than just the terrifying passion of our other kisses. When he held me in his arms like that, I felt I belonged there.

  I backed him to the couch, and he sat down, pulling me into his lap.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, pushing a wave of hair from my face. “With the Christmas lights dancing on your face.”

  Then he enveloped me in another hungry kiss.

  So intoxicated by everything I was feeling for him, I didn’t hear Abby until she called out my name.

  Mortified, I scrambled out of Cougar’s lap. “Honey, I—what are you doing up?”

  I ran a hand over my disheveled hair. “Um, why don’t you go get a drink of water, and I’ll be right there to tuck you back in.”

  She nodded and shuffled toward the bathroom. I glanced at Cougar. He looked embarrassed.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I’ll go so you can take care of her.”

  He retrieved his jacket, and I walked him to the door.

  “Hey.” He took my hands in his, looking as reluctant to leave as I was to let him. “Abby’s going to her grandmother’s tomorrow, right? If you don’t have plans, give me a call. I’ll either be at the apartment or at the hospital. I’ll take you out to eat.”

  “Okay.” I straightened his collar and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

  He smiled and stepped outside. Even though it was bitterly cold, I stood in the doorway for a moment, simply watching him. From the bottom of the stairwell, he glanced up and waved. I waved back and shut the door.

  After locking it and unplugging the Christmas tree, I went to Abby’s room and crawled in bed beside her. She scooted to make room for me, then snuggled back against my chest. I didn’t know if I should try to explain, or keep my mouth shut. Silence was easier. I closed my eyes and slipped into a drowsy daydream about Cougar.

  “Mama, are you going to marry Jason?”

  Abby’s soft question jarred me like a scream, and for a moment, I simply froze.

  “It’s okay if you do,” she said with a yawn. “I like him a lot.”

  Instead of making me feel better, her statement troubled me. My “making out in front of the Christmas tree” daydream vanished. I tried to imagine Cougar taking out the trash, taking Abby to ballet practice, and all the other little, mundane husbandly tasks Grady had performed, and I just couldn’t. It didn’t fit.

  Who was I kidding? Cougar and I weren’t working on forever. Deep down, I knew that. I’d seen him go through enough women to know I wasn’t anything special. I knew he cared for me, but he cared for Kim, too. Our friendship might sustain, but the thrill was in the chase. How long would it be before the novelty wore off and he needed someone new to spark his passion? I had wrestled with this so many times, and had even come to accept it, but Abby’s simple question sent me into a tailspin. I could take the chance of his breaking my heart, but not his breaking hers.

  I had to call things off before she got too attached to him.

  CHAPTER

  13

  The next morning, Abby opened her gifts and we played with her new toys on the living room floor. She was most impressed with the Barbie Salon. I felt a burden lift off me while I watched her laboriously styling her dolls’ hair. I couldn’t match Elizabeth’s spending, but apparently I still knew what interested my daughter.

  Around noon, I took Abby to her father. I kissed her good-bye and declined Grady’s invitation to stay for Christmas dinner. I needed to call Cougar, but I didn’t have the guts. Instead, I drove aimlessly around the city for the next two hours, wondering how I was going to handle it.

  Finally, I pulled into a parking lot and took out my phone. Maybe his phone would be off since he was at the hospital. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got his voice mail, and left a slightly incoherent message that I couldn’t make it today and I’d catch up with him tomorrow at work. I contemplated turning off my phone, but then I worried that Abby might need me. If he called back, I just wouldn’t answer.

  Dammit. Being a coward sucked …

  My temporary reprieve was extended when, due to a case he was working on, I didn’t see Cougar for the next couple of days. Finally, he caught up with me in the break room at work.

  “Hey, stranger!” He looked worried as he leaned against the gray locker beside mine. “You avoiding me or something?”

  I swallowed over the lump in my throat and forced a smile. “Of course not.”

  He favored me with a killer grin. “Good, because I’ve missed you like crazy. What are you doing tonight? I thought I’d take you and Abby out to eat. Maybe I’ll survive another trip to Fat Daddy’s—”

  “Girl Scout meeting.”

  “Oh.” He looked disappointed. “What about tomorrow, then?”

  I shut my locker. “Mickey on Ice.”

  “No worse than that damn eagle at Fat Daddy’s, I guess. Have I got time to pick up a ticket?”

  I made myself look at him. “Actually, Grady’s going, too.”

  His smile faltered. “What?”

  “We bought the tickets a long time ago. Abby wants him to go.”

  His smile died completely, chased away by his scowl. Then he laughed, a short, dry bark. When he spoke, there was an edge to his voice. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  Andrea Jacobs was coming through the doorway, and I didn’t want her to overhear. I headed for the elevator, and Cougar chased after me.

  “After what he did to you, you’re seriously going out with him?”

  “No, I’m going with Abby. So is he. We’re not together.”

  He caught my shoulder and spun me around. “You’re riding together? Sitting together?”

  Reluctantly, I nodded.

  “Sure sounds like together to me.”

  People stopped in the hallway to stare. I grabbed Cougar’s arm, dragged him into one of the conference rooms, and slammed the door. “I can’t change the fact that he’s Abby’s father. Whether you like it or not, he’s always going to be part of her life.”

  “You’re right. I don’t like it. But I get it. What I don’t get is why you won’t look me in the eye.” He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. In a softer voice, he said, “We didn’t leave it like this. What’s happened in the past few days?”

  Self-pitying tears burned my eyes. “What’s happened is, I realized I can’t do this. Cougar, you’re a great guy, but this is a mistake. It’d be different if it was just me, but I have Abby to consider. She really likes you—”

  “I like her, too.”

  “—and I can’t let her get too attached—”

  “Why not?” he demanded. “Is Grady so insecure he’s afraid she’ll love someone else? Why are you even listening to him?”

  I blinked at him, confused. “This isn’t about Grady.”

  “Then what’s it about? Because I’m not following.” His blue eyes searched my face. “Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?”

  “No, I do! You’re my best friend—”

  He grimaced. “But you’re not attracted to me?”

  “Of course, I am. It’s crazy how much I want you. I wake up thinking about you, and I go to sleep thinking about you …”

  He seized my hands. “I feel that way, too. So, what’s the problem?”

  I pulled away. “The problem is, it’s not enough. I’m not like Kim, and those other women you date. I have a little girl. I have responsibilities. When I get involved with somebody, it can’t be just about sex. I can’t have a fling.”

  “A fling?” He cursed under his breath, then shook his head. “A fling. So, that’s wh
at this is?”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “Necie, I—” He shook his head. “You know what, never mind. You’re right. This is a huge mistake. Thanks for pointing it out to me. I’ll see you around.”

  He stalked out the door.

  The next morning, someone stole my parking space, so I had to take one at the end of the row and trek through the freezing rain. Cougar’s Camaro was already on the lot.

  When I drew closer, I noticed the windows were fogged over. A female palm slapped the glass from the inside, startling me. Horrified, I averted my eyes and walked faster.

  A car door slammed when I reached the building. I couldn’t resist a look back at the giggling woman who emerged from the passenger side. Simone, one of the girls from the secretarial pool, adjusted her skirt and beamed at a rumpled Cougar as he climbed from the car. My gaze connected with his. For an instant, he looked conflicted. Almost apologetic. Then he glanced away. I yanked the door open and ran inside.

  I had no right to compare this to Grady’s betrayal, but the pain was just as sharp. I barely managed to hold my tears in check until I made it to the restroom.

  After allowing myself a good cry—all I was apparently good for these days—I washed my face and caught the elevator to my floor. I said hello to a couple of people and thought I had it under control until I made it back to my desk and found Cougar waiting for me. I dropped my head and pretended to organize a stack of papers. “What do you want?” I asked abruptly.

  “I got the clothes Mom sent. Do you want me to put them in your car, or bring them—are you crying?”

  I swiped my eyes and turned my back. “Does it matter?”

  “Of course, it matters. I care about you.” He touched my shoulder and I jerked away.

  “Yeah, I saw that. You looked very broken up.”

  He spun me around. “So, that was a test?”

  “No test needed. You’re exactly what I thought you were.”

  His jaw clenched. For a moment, he said nothing. Then he muttered, “I’ll put the clothes in your car,” and walked away.

  I felt someone watching and looked up to find Kim gazing at me from her office. She pecked on the glass and mouthed, “Lunch?”