Later that day there was an incident in the children’s play area. A large shallow tank of water had been set up and filled with small floating toys containing sweets to entertain the kids. This activity went well at first with the merry sound of children screaming at the top of their voice filling the pub. However, when one of the parents went to collect their child they discovered a scene of carnage. There was blood, flesh and dismembered children strewn across the floor. After a brief investigation by one of the barmaids, it was discovered that the tank had been accidentally filled with piranha fish. These ferocious South American meat-eating fish had chewed, bitten and torn their way through the splashing hands and arms of the kiddies. Some of the more stupid children had fallen into the tank and had been stripped to the bone in seconds by the voracious fish. After a lot of commotion, Mr Ladypup announced free drinks for everyone for the next hour and this calmed everyone down and they returned to their family fun day out.
The announcement of free drinks initiated a stampede of people to the bar and the bar staff were run off their feet. People were gulping down drinks like there was no tomorrow and it didn’t take long for arguments and eventually fights to break out. Iain Ladypup and his staff did their best to quell the situation but it was no use. A full-on bar room brawl had erupted and there was no stopping it until it had run its course. People were punched, kicked, head butted and stabbed as the mayhem continued. One man had both arms sliced off with a machete, a woman had her feet sawn off, three women were so drunk they fell into the piranha tank and were eaten and a barmaid was shot through the lips with a bow and arrow. An hour or so later, when the brawl had finished, hundreds of people were covered in blood with injuries ranging from broken fingers to dog bites. At the extreme end of the injury scale, a man was set on fire, a drunken woman poisoned her husband with creosote and two drunken children climbed up the curtains before falling to their death by landing on ornamental bayonets surrounding the fireplace. Once more Mr Ladypup rescued the situation by offering everyone free pies and this seemed to do the trick before the police, ambulance and fire brigade arrived. Somehow, Mr Ladypup kept his licence and the pub stayed open. However, the controversial new pub was soon to be the site of more dramatic incidents.
During a hen night, with over 100 drunken women having a knees-up, the pub’s special mascot escaped from his cage. Mr Hee-Haw was a 10 year-old chimpanzee that Iain Ladypup had purchased in the duty free shop at Entebbe airport in Uganda. At first, Mr Hee-Haw was friendly and was climbing and screeching like an idiot the way chimps do. Some of the drunken women started giving Mr Hee-Haw drinks and he was gulping down whisky, vodka and all manner of cocktails. At first it looked like Mr Hee-Haw could handle the booze and was enjoying himself with the collection of inebriated floozies. All of a sudden, Mr Hee-Haw’s mood changed and he became aggressive. He bit a woman on the forehead before pulling her T-shirt and bra off and eating them. The other women thought this was hilarious and started howling with laughter. The louder they laughed the more deranged Mr Hee-Haw became. He jumped on top of another woman and pulled her ears off and ate them. Even then, the sozzled women didn’t realise the danger they were in from the sloshed monkey. Mr Hee-Haw then went even more berserk when the drink fully kicked in and addled his monkey brain. He leapt from table to table biting and scratching the befuddled females, gulping down drinks as he went. Eventually one of the more primitive-looking women grabbed an empty champagne bottle and smashed Mr Hee-Haw full in the face, knocking out several of his monkey teeth. This stunned the marauding chimpanzee for a few seconds before he regained his composure and bit the primitive-looking woman’s nose off. She screamed in agony and almost spilt some of her Guinness and blackcurrant. The other stewed women then attacked Mr Hee-Haw with bottles, high heels, stools and a hunting knife and gave him a right pummelling. The blood-soaked and battered Mr Hee-Haw managed to escape before he was battered to death and returned to his cage to sleep off his binge. Mr Ladypup placated the women with free food and drink and they went back to their hen night celebrations. He punished Mr Hee-Haw by knocking all his teeth out with a hammer and shaving his head. He also fitted a loudspeaker to Mr Hee-Haw’s cage which played the sound of a hyena laughing at full volume every ten seconds just to annoy him.
The new pub seemed cursed, as one catastrophe led to another, but on every occasion, it stayed open for business. There have been reports of animals being slaughtered for meat to make pies, black magic sessions using Ouija boards and voodoo dolls and naked dwarf darts tournaments. Police and local authority inspectors have visited The Buttered Nostril on various occasions due to complaints from local residents and parents of children who have been devoured at the venue. Pub goers have also complained about being attacked by wild animals, poisoned, assaulted and pickpocketed. However, local police, magistrates and council inspectors have been mollified by Mr Ladypup with a selection of free drink, free holidays and other incentives to look the other way. The controversy hasn’t dented the popularity of the pub. Next week, it is hosting the Annual Gubbenstery Lard Eating Championships.
Items of Wonder and Bewilderment
Portable Car Garage
Inflatable rubber car garages for sale. No matter where you go, inflate it and park your car inside. Allow 2 hours inflation time. £100.08 each or two for £50.04. Lifetime guarantee for a month. Phone 090807 and ask for Jeremiah Pobo.
Dog Hats
Protect your best friend from the elements with a genuine tin dog hat. One size fits one dog. Under jaw strap included. £5 each. Not suitable for cats or tawny owls.
Kicking Boots and Shoes
All types of steel-tipped footwear for sale. Men’s and women’s sizes available for full-on brawls or bitch fights. Discounts for gang members and affiliated hangers on. Prices start at £10.02 per kilo.
Brick Folding Course
Learn to fold bricks without breaking your wrists. Red bricks a speciality. Breeze blocks extra charge. Impress your friends by tying a knot in a brick. Enrol now at Rubble College, £60.09 per hod.
Dross
Discount Dross available from Zerpon Brothers Ltd. Has many uses. Apply to open wounds for quick healing. Bulk up sagging pillows. It has to be Dross. £2 per imperial kilogram.
Does anyone have the book 1000 English Corned Beef Recipes by Perry Tantoid? Willing to pay up to £10,000 probably. Write to Lord Peter Bloodgland at 42 Skunyon Street, Liverpull.
Crime Update
McAfferty Gang Arrested
By our cross-dressing specialist Steve Underskirt
UK Police have announced the arrest of Anthony McAfferty and his four sons. Acting Chief Sergeant Dougie Fusion had a smile on his face when he made the announcement on the steps of East Buntyside Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic. “We’ve finally nailed the dirty robbing bastards,” he said to waiting journalists and TV news teams. Police in the UK and abroad have been searching for Anthony McAfferty and his four sons for over ten years without success. The McAffertys have been implicated in many high profile crimes in the past decade but have always remained one step ahead of the police, until now.
According to police reports, the McAfferty gang were apprehended separately in what Officer Fusion is labelling separate apprehensions. Anthony McAfferty, 59, the leader and founder member of the gang was caught in China. Undercover officers had been watching a market stall in the village of Pochungo in the Province of Shandong. Suspicion was first aroused when locals noticed the proprietor of a stall famous for selling delicacies such as scorpion biscuits, minty spiders and club feet in brine suddenly started selling jellied eels, pork scratchings and pickled onion crisps. Police mounted a stakeout across the road from the stall and observed the strange goings-on for five years, before suddenly moving in and arresting the proprietor. When questioned, the proprietor spoke fluent mandarin but with a broad cockney accent. After another two and a half years of interrogation, the suspect finally admitted he was Anthony McAfferty. This came as a shock to the Chinese
police as they thought he was a Chinese convict called Zan “the man” Wang, who had escaped from prison fifteen years earlier. They had no idea who Anthony McAfferty was so they contacted Interpol and McAfferty was flown back to the UK by hot air balloon three years later.
Banthony McAfferty, 30, was the armourer of the gang and he would supply them with baseball bats, boulders, table legs and half bricks. He knew his trade well and made sure the gang had all the weapons they needed to carry out their dastardly crimes. Banthony McAfferty was caught working in a meat processing plant in Fray Bentos, Uruguay. He had worked there for five years and was head of product development. According to colleagues, he was a good worker and had come up with many innovative ideas including shipping the various meats in tins instead of rolled up newspaper, concentrating on beef instead of otter, rat and walrus, and reducing the weight of each beef dinner tin from one ton to 500g. “He certainly streamlined the business,” said Warehouse Manager Pedro de Meedball. However, during a night of heavy drinking with local prostitute Gabriella de Sumting, he let slip who he was and she informed the local police and they immediately arrested him two years later. He drove himself back to Britain in a second-hand Moskvitch 412.
Clanthony McAfferty, 25, was the main driver for the gang and it was his job to procure stolen vehicles and plan their getaways in great detail. He was captured while working as a policeman in New York. He had quickly risen up the ranks after entering as a cadet and only four weeks later he was Commissioner of Police for Manhattan. He had an exemplary record and had made many high profile arrests including bringing down the vicious de Ravioli crime family by running most of them over in a squad car. In fact, all of Clanthony’s 4,000 arrests were made by driving into suspects and running them over. He claimed it was a new, more efficient approach to fighting crime. Clanthony was so effective that he had cleared all of the cases for the five boroughs of New York. However, one day when he and a colleague, Lieutenant Diego Hoboken, were updating the police computer, Clanthony’s picture appeared on a wanted poster. Diego immediately pulled out his gun to arrest Commissioner McAfferty, who tried to make a run for it. Lieutenant Hoboken had no choice but to blast six shots at point blank range into the back of Clanthony’s head and he hit the floor in a pool of blood. Clanthony was released from hospital later that day with minor cuts and bruises and was deported to Britain. He sailed home in a first class cabin aboard the QE2 and was arrested at Southampton dock still clutching his Policeman of the Year award.
Splanthony McAfferty, 20, was the brains of the operation and he was a stickler for detail. It was his role to plan all the McAfferty crimes and to reconnoitre every aspect of the forthcoming job. This is why the McAffertys were never caught. He was meticulous in his preparation and it is rumoured that prior to breaking into a milk processing factory, he worked for a year delivering milk. However, his days on the run were to come to an abrupt end when he was caught in St Dolly-on-the-Dimple Roman Jewish Church in Toronto, Canada. Apparently he had been hiding in the church wine cellar for eight years. He used to hide inside the wine barrels when the priest was about, but he gradually realised that the priest thought he was a ghost. After that, he simply walked around the church whenever he wanted and the priest would run away screaming about devils and poltergeists. Splanthony would pop out to local restaurants for dinner then come back at night. He would have a light supper of communion wafers and several bottles of wine before retiring to bed in the belfry. His downfall came when the priest stumbled upon Splanthony inside the organ with two naked waitresses. The priest, Father Muffy O’Bunkum, assumed the organ to be possessed and called the bishop, who called the police. Splanthony was taken back to the UK on a freight train and handed over to the authorities.
Fanthony McAfferty, 15, was the head chef of the outfit and made sure the whole gang ate well. For most robberies he would prepare a three-course banquet with a choice of wine or coffee to follow. When the gang went on the run, he decided to head for New Zealand and got a job as an earthquake predictor in the village of Rotaruamanua, outside Wellington. In order to hide his true identity, he decided to become a woman called Stacey Titball. He had three months gender reassignment counselling and then started taking female hormones and dressing as a woman. A year later he underwent full feminization surgery and voice training and the transformation was complete. Stacey then got a job grading bananas in the local fruit market and all seemed well. However, since becoming a woman, Stacey had developed a terrible temper and was always getting into fights, mainly with other women. In one such fight, Stacey was battering a local policewoman, in a fight over who had the most alluring breasts, when she forgot her training and started shouting in a man’s voice. Bystanders heard her and were shocked. The policewoman radioed for help and Stacey ran away. She was eventually caught hiding in a tree house seven years later and had since married a local farmer called Pat McGubbin. Stacey was ordered back to the UK but she claimed she had nothing to wear. After some emergency shopping, Stacey made her way back to the UK on a steamship and was arrested on the dockside wearing a black mini dress and pink high heels.
The McAffertys’ life of crime was over. Campsites, community centres, animal sanctuaries and hairdressers were safe once more. Anthony, Banthony, Clanthony and Splanthony would be heading to Wormwood scrubs while Fanthony would be accommodated at The Norma Pustule Centre for Delinquent Young Ladies.
The Story of Budgerigarfield Thompson
By our bravery correspondent Sheldon Peepee
Budgerigarfield Thompson is one of Gubbenstery’s greatest sons. He stands above all other men and is regarded as a titan of manhood due to his bravery and sheer ability to overcome the most desperate of situations. This week, a 100-foot bronze and polystyrene statue of Budgerigarfield Thompson will be unveiled in the centre of Gubbenstery Plaza to honour him. To get a sense of the power of the man, I spoke to three people who have experienced first-hand the awesome abilities of Mr Budgerigarfield Thompson.
My name is Roger Satan and I first got to know Budgerigarfield in the 1950s when we did our army training together. We were both in our twenties and were fighting fit young men, but even then there was something different about Budgerigarfield. One day the corporal in charge of our section was picking on me and forcing me to attempt impossible and dangerous tasks. At various times he had me running twenty miles while carrying a piano, fighting a grizzly bear armed only with a small spoon and trying to catch bullets the other men were firing at me. At the end of the day, I was torn to pieces, lacerated and bruised. Because he was my best friend, Budgerigarfield had noticed this and was absolutely livid at the corporal’s treatment of me. The next morning at 4am, before even the corporal was awake, Budgerigarfield burst into the corporal’s quarters and dragged him out of bed by the penis. He pulled him out to the courtyard and inserted the naked corporal’s head into the regimental piano and started denting his skull with the lid. He then threw the corporal over the fence and into the pen of the regimental grizzly bear. The bear wasted no time and immediately attacked the corporal by biting off his penis and one of his buttocks. Before the great beast could do anymore damage, Budgerigarfield leapt over the fence and grabbed the grizzly by the throat. Budgerigarfield’s first punch broke the bear’s nose and his second knocked the bear clean out. He picked up the sobbing corporal and marched him out to the courtyard. He then pulled out his service revolver and shot both the corporal’s ears off and broke both his arms and legs, before inserting his thumb into the corporal’s nose and splitting his nostrils open. He then threw the corporal up onto the roof of the officer’s quarters and put a brick through their window. By now everyone was out in the courtyard and all hell broke loose. It took fifteen officers to subdue Budgerigarfield by firing a rocket-propelled grenade at him and repeatedly hitting him on the head with a saucepan. Budgerigarfield was sentenced to ten years in the stockade and I never saw my great friend again.
My name is Frank Hymenator and I first met Budgie in 1960. I was
the star centre forward for Gubbenstery United and it was the big grudge match against our bitter rivals East Buntyside. Our manager, Bert Fuckpot, announced that he had made a new signing and it turned out to be Budgie. I’d never heard of him before and wondered what other teams he had played for, so I asked him. He said, “I play for Gubbenstery and that’s it”. He seemed quiet and menacing so I decided to ask no more questions. The match started and I wanted see if Budgie was any use so I passed the ball to him on the halfway line and he immediately shot. The ball whizzed at East Buntyside’s goal at lightning speed and smacked against the post, shattering it into firewood. Everyone was stunned. When the post was repaired, we got underway again and the match was pretty even. Our goalkeeper, Walter Rallaboon, threw the ball out to Budgie on our six-yard line and amazingly he shot again. The ball must have travelled 70 or 80 yards before ricocheting off their crossbar onto their goalkeeper’s head, knocking him out. After receiving a dose of smelling salts and having boiling water poured onto his genitalia, the keeper awoke and the game was restarted. Just before halftime I was clean through on goal but their big centre half just managed to punch me in the face to thwart my attack. He received a yellow card and that was the end of the first half. During the break, as we ate oranges and drank sherry, Budgie said he would distract their big centre half to let me through on goal. The second half started and it was a tight affair with chances at both ends. Suddenly I found myself bearing down on goal with only their big centre half in my way. Before I could blink, Budgie came steaming past me like a greyhound, dived into the air and issued a grievous head butt to their centre half. I ran through and slotted the ball into the net. Budgie received a severe telling off from the referee, which seemed to anger him. He grabbed the referee by the throat and rammed his fingers into the referee’s eyes, which resulted in a yellow card for Budgie. This only made things worse. Budgie pulled a knife out of his sock and scalped the referee, before breaking his nose, ripping one of his kidneys out and finally kicking him in the balls. As the referee was stretchered off, he red-carded Budgie and blew the final whistle. We had won the game. Budgie never played for us, or anybody else again, but what a great player he was.
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