My name is Gilbert Measles and I met Bud when we both worked on the construction of the McCluttball Tower in Asuncion in Paraguay. The 3,000-foot skyscraper was being built by local billionaire Monty McCluttball, who had made his fortune rearing, slaughtering and boiling down hippopatumuses for the local glue and blubber trade. Bud and I worked right at the top of the growing tower and were 2,000 feet up when the incident happened. One of our labourers, Murdo Chancroid, returned from his lunch break drunk and fell over the side. In an instant Bud stripped naked and made a parachute out of his clothes and jumped over the side after the man. He plummeted behind him and by swimming in the air managed to catch him up and grab him. His makeshift parachute suddenly opened and the two men sailed down to earth. The rudimentary parachute seemed to have done its job and halved their speed from 125mph to about 60mph. A few seconds later, our two work colleagues crashed through the glass roof of a cushion manufacturer and disappeared from our view. Because all of the 500 men working on top of the tower ran to the same side to look over, the entire structure became destabilised and the top 100 feet of the tower snapped off with all of us riding it down to the ground. We clung on to whatever we could as this mixture of rubble, steel girders and workmen raced towards the cushion factory. We battered through the roof at a colossal speed and landed on a massive pile of cushions, pillows and bales of hay. I woke up in a sea of twisted metal, boulders and broken bones and was standing up to my waist in lukewarm blood. After only three weeks trapped in the factory, we were all eventually rescued by the Asuncion branch of the St John’s Ambulance Service and taken to the Eduardo de Canter Memorial hospital for a check-up. Luckily, we all survived with a mixture of cuts, bruises and contagious swine pox, apart from Murdo. Poor Murdo actually survived the fall but was immediately set upon by an angry rhinoceros that the cushion factory kept for security purposes. Apparently the rhinoceros started to gore Murdo the second he landed and had killed him before Bud woke up. On seeing the rhinoceros’s handiwork, Bud became enraged and attacked the odd-toed ungulate head on, delivering a savage array of kicks, punches and gouges. He completely obliterated the animal and had started to eat part of it before being pulled off by a cushion salesman. When Bud regained his composure he waved us all goodbye and wished us good luck, before disappearing out a side entrance that was still intact.
Budgerigarfield Thompson was not present at the unveiling of the statue in his honour. Rumour has it that he is on remand in a South African prison on charges of GBH, resisting arrest and wilful consumption of a bandicoot and a wildebeest at Johannesburg zoo. This reporter awaits the next adventure of Budgerigarfield Thompson with great relish.
Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide
It’s always better on the drink!
The Mighty Homosexual Inn
Enjoy all drinks and bar meals with a full 2% price reduction every Sunday morning. Thursday night is theme night. This week, everyone dressed as a babysitter wins a free window cleaning techniques DVD. 68 Clombo Street, Gubbenstery.
The Big Loud Woman
Visit the BLW for a night to remember. Every nineteenth drink is half price on a Monday afternoon. Join in our Sunday theme night and win a major prize. This week everyone dressed as a wheelbarrow will be entered into our prize draw to win a wheelbarrow. 2nd prize is a year’s supply of moss and 3rd prize is a packet of fresh water. 70 Fauntleroy Close, Gubbenstery.
The Swine and Lung
Everyone dressed as a hippopotamus this Friday night will receive a free case of sherry and a scythe. The prize for the best costume is a life-size statue of the Pope made from oxygen. 86 North Foolhardy Quadrant, Gubbenstery.
The Bee and Skint Knee
A high-powered nail gun and 11 boxes of bananas will be awarded to every third customer arriving naked smeared in warm butter this Tuesday. 82 South Retardation Street, Gubbenstery.
The Ample Nun
Join in this Saturday’s big party night by dressing up as a tin of English corned beef. The best outfit wins a year’s supply of pork luncheon meat. 84 Slaughterhouse Gardens, Gubbenstery.
The Balloon Head Tavern
Everyone’s welcome at the BHT for a night of fun and high jinks. Have a go at our Punch-a-Worm competition or our Gravy Drinking Challenge. Take part in our theme night. This Tuesday anyone dressed as a gay rabbi wins a fortnight’s supply of turkey giblets (sorry, no real gay rabbis allowed). 72 Sponker Street, Gubbenstery.
The Stinking Baby
Now open again following last week’s cholera and rabies outbreak. 2 Dregs Street, Glord.
The Lifestyles of Interesting People
No.1: Gary Basteroid
By our easily confused reporter Clarence Ninty
One of Britain’s most interesting characters has to be Gary Basteroid. In his early life he excelled at everything and set a standard of personal achievement that few of us could ever attain. Gary began his life as a baby in 1900 and became a toddler a few years later. He was born to proud parents Loretta and Archduke Basteroid in Gubbenstery Maternity Unit at 6am on Friday the 10th of September.
By the age of five, Gary could already read and write, cook, drive a car and ride his dog Bonzo around the garden. At school he was a model student and came top of the class in every subject. However, when he turned 16 Gary started to develop a change of character. No longer was he the placid schoolboy studying hard and riding Bonzo around the garden. He had become withdrawn, started to swear a lot and spent increasingly longer periods of time playing with his chemistry set in his bedroom. The first time his parents noticed something wasn’t quite right was when they were sitting in the garden on a summer’s day. Gary came home from school and immediately hopped aboard Bonzo, who was now 20 years old and struggling to carry the large schoolboy. Gary clicked his heels hard either side of the dog’s testicles and Bonzo bolted at speed to escape the hellish pain, straight at the living room window. Both dog and schoolboy crashed through the large window and landed on the living room floor in a lake of blood. Gary had a few cuts and had been partially scalped. Bonzo was not so lucky. He had been sliced in half.
Gary’s father came running over to see if he could help his lacerated son or mutilated dog but was horrified at the sight that greeted him. Gary was sitting in a large pool of blood gorging himself on his former pet. He was holding up the front half of Bonzo by the legs and biting into his stomach and intestines. Mr Basteroid shouted at Gary to stop but he ignored him and continued with his abhorrent canine feast. Basteroid senior picked up a loose fence post and cracked it over Gary’s skull, momentarily knocking the boy senseless. When Gary recovered from the heavy bash to his head he tried to punch his father but his dad was too quick for him and he landed another savage blow with the fence post. This time it smashed into Gary’s face, knocking out several teeth and breaking his nose. This gave Mr Basteroid time to give his son a few more hits around the head and neck area and a few more vicious thuds to his groin. This silenced Gary and his father was able to attend to Bonzo. The unfortunate family pet was still showing signs of life by whimpering quietly so Mr Basteroid picked up all the bits of the dog and put them in a polythene bag. He gave the fencepost to his wife with instructions to thump his son if he wakes up. He then sped off in his Ford Corsair to the nearest vet, to put poor Bonzo out of his misery.
A few hours later Mr Basteroid returned home carrying a large box. His wife told him she had beaten Gary a few more times, mainly in the groin, to prevent him licking up the dog blood. Surprisingly, Mr Basteroid then lifted Bonzo out of the box and he was wagging his tail. However, there was something not quite right about the recuperating dog. The two halves of Bonzo had been stitched back together but the back half was the wrong way up. Bonzo’s front legs were on the ground as expected but his rear legs were pointing up in the air. Mr Basteroid explained that the vet had to act quickly to save the dog’s life and this was the best he could do.
Several weeks later Gary woke up in his bed with his mother and father at his bedsid
e. He immediately complained of an aching groin, splitting headache, missing teeth and a throbbing nose. He couldn’t remember a thing. Gary’s parents had decided to tell him he had tripped and fallen in the bathroom and smashed his face on the pan. He then asked why his groin area ached so badly and was black and blue. They told him that was a side effect of the medicine he was on. At that point Bonzo came darting into the room on his two front legs and jumped up onto Gary’s bed. Gary was shocked at Bonzo’s strange new configuration and asked what had happened to his beloved pet. Mrs Basteroid told her son that Bonzo was suffering from Bilious Vomiting Syndrome and the medication had affected his legs. Incredibly, Gary believed this claptrap and was glad to see Bonzo again.
Over the next few months Gary and Bonzo recovered from their ordeal and they could once more be seen riding around the garden together, albeit with a lot more effort required from Bonzo. As the years passed, Gary spent most of his time in his bedroom, which he had now turned into a laboratory. He had decided to expand his chemistry set and dedicate his life to working on cures for all existing dog illnesses. He used Bonzo as a guinea pig in his experiments and soon became an expert in the treatment of canine disorders. He became well known for his ability to cure dogs of even the most life-threatening ailments and people came from all over the world to have their dogs treated by Gary.
Many of Gary’s discoveries are now standard cures for canine complaints and are prescribed by vets around the globe. Initially, many of his discoveries were condemned by vets as being too odd and too brutal for the dog to endure but are now accepted as standard treatments. He completely eradicated Canine Distemper by sealing the dog’s nose closed with industrial sealant and removing the dog’s brain. He easily cured Kennel Cough by painting the dog’s larynx with creosote and amputating its tongue. Ringworm was cured by bathing the dog twice a day in a mixture of sulphuric acid and boiling tar. Canine age-related deafness was easily remedied by drilling a two-inch wide hole through the dog’s head and replacing its ears with ears from a dead elephant. Many long-standing diseases that were considered incurable were easily treated by Gary. Curly tail syndrome was sorted by attaching a 10kg anvil to the dog’s tail for a year, followed by another year’s intensive therapy using hair straighteners. Wobbler disease, a severe condition of the cervical vertebrae, was treated by clamping the dog in a high pressure vice for two hours every day and reinforcing its legs by encasing them in cement. Perhaps Gary’s finest hour was when he discovered a cure for Pumgo’s Advanced Canine Drooling Disorder. This severe ailment causes dogs to drool excessively with some dogs drooling out more than one hundred gallons of drool per day. Another symptom of PACDD is that dogs lie on their back and shake their legs in the air while barking for periods of up to eight hours per day. This could have a destructive effect on the owner and on the owner’s carpet. Gary’s remedy for this terrible ailment was to put the dog on a lifetime course of cream crackers to absorb the drool and to suspend the dog from the ceiling on an elasticated rope to prevent it lying on its back. This and all the other cures developed by Gary made him a household name in the canine world.
Gary continued to experiment in his lab with Bonzo by his side until he died at the age of 91 in 1991. Amazingly, Bonzo is still alive and has since married a poodle called Iris Dobkins. They still live in the same house which they share with Gary’s parents, who are also still alive and currently trying for their second child.
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“These beauties will clean you right out,” Dotty McGillicuddy.
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Bargains for All
All types of rabbits for sale or hire. We have clockwork rabbits, cloth rabbits, gullible rabbits, cowardly rabbits, brutal rabbits and a six-foot talking hare. Phone Leroy Pluthian on Gubbenstery 6666.
Buy or rent your very own attractive gravel pit by phoning Gravel Pit World on Gubbenstery 4321. We can deliver any size of pit to your living room within the year. From tiny micro-aggregates of shale and dust to lorry loads of enormous 1000-ton boulders. It’s easy. Just give us a call and leave your front door open. We’ll do the rest.
Whole elephants in olive oil. Free purple fork-lift truck and set of 12 snooker tables with every fourth jar. Phone Commander Jeff Gaseous on East Buntyside 3333 next week some time.
Lucinda and Humphrey Gabardine-Smyth are proud to announce the graduation of their first child. Mortimer Gabardine-Smyth (the third) has graduated from The Opulent School for Dullards with a conditional third class degree in Advanced Sod All.
Gubbenstery Gun Oil Society is delighted to announce the marriage of their chairwoman Miss Beatrice Gunblast to unknown local man Mr Billy Stinkybobo. The service will take place four years from now at half one in the afternoon at Our Lady of the Titsanass Holy Bijesus Church.
Ultra-high temperature curtains with complimentary frog for sale. 60p or nearest offer. No time wasters. Phone Keith Diddums on East Buntyside 1111.
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