Open to Doubt

by Marcus Achison

  Mr Teddy Gimpitus, aged 20, High Court Judge, Western Gubbenstery

  My trip to the Spanzino Medical Centre should have been a routine procedure. I was getting a traffic cone removed from my anus that I had accidentally fallen backwards onto. Dr Spanzino told me that quite a few men fell backwards onto traffic cones these days and removal took about five minutes and was completely painless. I was all ready for the operation, lying on my side in my bed, when Dr Spanzino entered the room carrying a medium-sized sledgehammer and asked me if I could help him hang a picture. I didn’t feel that great but I thought I’d lend a hand. As I stood up, he swung the hammer and crashed a savage blow onto the top of my head and knocked me clean out. The next thing I remember is waking up lying on the floor in a dimly lit corridor. I was in utter agony. My head was split open and had been crudely stitched together with some sort of heavy duty wire. I scrambled to my feet to sit on a nearby chair and only then realised the traffic cone was still stuck up me. Spanzino then appeared and told me they had run out of anaesthetic and he had to use the sledgehammer method of anaesthesiology. He couldn’t remove the traffic cone because it was in too deep but I’d learn to live with it. I left the centre in tears and in agony and told my story to the police. They thought it was a practical joke and told me to sod off and not waste their time.

  The Spanzino Medical Centre is still in business but is under investigation by Gubbenstery Health Board. As a footnote, it appears that Dr Spanzino’s brother, Professor Zebedee Spanzino, is being lined up to become head of the Canine Hysterectomy Department at Gubbenstery University.

  Outdoor and Indoor Bargains

  Heavy drinker requires chatty, fun companions for morning, afternoon and evening drinking sessions. Nibbles (dog food), TV (black and white, no sound) and chairs (boxes) available at no charge. Wife (large) available at small extra charge. Come on over to Georgie Stewpot’s house and let the fun begin. 130,000 South Fecundity Street, Glord.

  In-Car Foot Spa

  In the summer months you need to cool your feet while driving. Foot spas plug into the cigarette lighter and sit adjacent to the accelerator. Simply take your foot off the gas and submerge it in a relaxing foam bath. No need to stop. Two speeds, off and on. Insert one or both feet at the same time to bathe your tootsies. £91.06 each.

  Garden Hoses

  Treat yourself to a new hose. We only charge by the inch. Cut to the length we want. £3 per cubic acre of hose. Offer does not apply to pantyhose.

  Train to be a stuntman with ex-Hollywood stuntman Archie Nackris. Learn how to bite a hammer, sleep under water, punch a leopard, eat a dead cat, jump off the back of a moving pig, trip over a wasp and so much more. Write to Archie at Pummel House, 321 Wallop Quadrant, Gubbenstery.

  Babysitter required for deaf cat. Lucky is a 20 year-old tabby and is still full of life. Experience of cat food, fur balls and half-eaten mice would be an advantage. Phone Tina Snud on East Buntyside 301.

  Gardener required for small window box. This is a full-time position requiring a gardener for a small window box. Part-time non-gardeners need not apply. Write to Vippo or Nobbo McPoon on Gubbenstery 1000.

  Diverse set of misshapen children available to buy or rent. Email Miss Euphemia Dismal on Glord 007.

  Opening in December, our new Naked Photography Department will provide all your naked photographic needs including boy-girl, girl-girl, girl-horse and nun-priest.

  Crime News Update

  The Hunt for Ron Gasim and Keith Bem

  By our tallest woman reporter Big Kay Gerbil

  Gubbenstery Police have issued an urgent appeal for information leading to the arrest of two highly dangerous conmen. Ron Gasim and Keith Bem have been on a massive crime spree, preying on highly gullible people up and down the UK. They have relieved thick and greedy people of their money by making them offers that are too good to refuse. The man leading the investigation into the activities of Gasim and Bem, Detective Superintendent Sergeant Jacko Skunby of Gubbenstery Police says these despicable men have to be apprehended quickly. Ron Gasim, although only five feet tall, is a deceptively tall man. The most recent description of him is that he was dressed as an emu and wearing a blindfold. Keith Bem is a deceptively short man, despite being six feet tall, and was last seen disguised as a naked man, also wearing a blindfold.

  Gasim and Bem commenced their latest crime spree in Northern Stornoway, a beautiful island on the outskirts of Scotland. They set up a stall in the centre of town selling planets for £100 each and sold out almost immediately. One of the gullible idiots who purchased a planet was local layabout Fritz Gershwin, who bought Neptune. It was only when he found out that Neptune was 2.7 billion miles away that he had second thoughts. His 1965 Ford Anglia had just failed its MOT so he realised that a trip to Neptune was out of the question. Six months later he immediately voiced his concern to local policeman PC Moshe Milligram, who wrote to DSS Skunby. By that time, Gasim and Bem had scarpered.

  The two crooks set up their next devious crime in the beautiful village of Llyyllyyll in Wales, where again they targeted easily fleeceable, dim-witted shoppers in the High Street. This time, Gasim and Bem were selling talking pelicans. This latest scam was even more successful than their planet sale. A temporary booth with a giant picture of a toy pelican on the top was set up by Gasim and Bem outside Dafydd Bloodflow and Sons Butchers shop. The idea was that for only £500 you could have your very own talking pelican, when they arrive on the boat from Tanzania in a month or two. They claimed demand was high and you would need to act fast if you wanted one. People were soon queuing round the block and handing over their money in their droves to secure one of these “very rare” yakking birds. This latest outrage only came to light when it was reported by local racoon salesman, Alfredo Zanetti, 59, to Q Division of the Llyyllyyll Constabulary. He said he had rushed to meet the postman every morning in the hope that he would receive his preposterous pet. However, after five years of waiting, he began to lose hope of ever acquiring the stupid thing, so he gave it another five years before reporting what he thought might be a crime. By that time, Gasim and Bem had scarpered.

  Reports from Interpol and items in Sunday newspaper colour supplements suggested that Gasim and Bem had switched from fraud to armed robbery. Their modus operandi was simple. They would enter the premises to be robbed and hold up the staff using a bow and arrow. According to sources close to Scotland Yard, Gasim and Bem carried out over 4,000 armed robberies in only three weeks, mainly in the Cotswolds and surrounding area. They were never clearly identified due to their brilliant disguises but one 92 year-old lady, Mrs Agatha Froth of Narley-on-the-Pomp, said she saw a giant squirrel and what looked like an octopus leaving her local bank when the alarm was sounding, although she did admit to being “completely steamboats” drunk at the time. The only connection between the robberies and Gasim and Bem was that the most recent establishment to be robbed was Archibald Nitrate’s pet shop in the rural hamlet of Chipping-on-the-Chopping where around 3,000 talking pelicans were stolen.

  After lying low for about a year, Gasim and Bem were soon up to their old tricks in Central London. Once again they set up one of their fake booths in Oxford Street, where they set about selling a special rare breed of cattle. According to their well-polished monologue, these special multi-tasking cows would deliver over 100 litres of milk from their udders and produce around 50 solid bricks of cheese from their anus every day. A photograph of a cow adorned the front of their booth and once again queues were long. It appeared that people were keener than ever to be parted from their money. Apparently Gasim and Bem sold over 100 cows at £1,000 each before disappearing. Detective Colonel Ziggy Thompson of Scotland Yard said they only became aware of the bovine crime following a complaint from a local resident. Mum-of-ten Lee-Anne Vermin, 29, said she had placed an order for one of the cows using the last of her child benefit money. She said the vast quantities of milk and cheese supplied by the beast would be handy for her multiple offspring. She had already se
t up a byre in her oldest son’s bedroom whilst he was serving five years in prison. Darren Wayne Lee Vermin, 20, had recently been convicted of pulling off a man’s scrotum who allegedly owed him money. By that time, Gasim and Bem had scarpered. When I asked Miss Vermin how she felt about being conned out of £1,000 she said, “It’s like, what the fuck, a mean, fuck that, like, fuck it, a don’t give a fuck,” as she headed off with her brood to the local council to demand more child benefit money.

  The last known sighting of Gasim and Bem was in Benidorm, where they were seen drinking in Big Malky McTavish’s Pub. Spanish police were alerted but were out of luck when they raided Malky’s. Gasim and Bem had disappeared and Big Malky himself had no idea when they might be back by the way. However, the police did seize considerable quantities of milk, cheese and a noisy seabird. Enquiries are ongoing and police are hopeful of an arrest soon for no apparent reason. DSS Skunby suggests if you see either Gasim or Bem do not take any unnecessary risks. He cannot stress this strongly enough – these are highly dangerous men. Try to approach both of them from behind by leaping on them from a height. Immediately start punching and kicking them until you are satisfied you have administered a substantial beating and rendered them unconscious, obviously using the minimum of force. When they are subdued, put them under a citizen’s arrest and hand them in to your local police station.

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  Spizzly and Poheedron Fundament Care

  Preserving the Buttocks since 1873

  Products for the Arse

  Bumshine (£50 per can or two for £120)

  Bumshine is our very latest product for producing a brilliant high gloss finish to your bum. No matter how dull your arse may be, Bumshine will produce a fantastic finish you can be proud of when you’re naked. You’ll want to display your backside at every opportunity once you acquire the Bumshine shine.

  Arsoscaff (£100 per starter Kit; additional poles £1 each)

  Arsoscaff is an easy-to-use arse scaffolding kit which helps prop up the saggiest of derrieres. The kit consists of lightweight aluminium scaffolding poles joined together using heavy duty couplers with associated wooden access boards. Arsoscaff is designed to fit any shape of shitcan and fits snugly under the trousers or skirt.

  Arse Corks (Available in packs of 190 for £29 or 191 for £129)

  Made from 100% Portuguese cork, these robust and durable anal bungs are ideal for the modern flatulent person of today. Insert one in the morning and you will be safe all day from letting rip at bus stops, business meetings or public speaking engagements. Take a ride in a lift or go to bed with a stranger safe in the knowledge that all your gaseous waste will be redirected elsewhere.

  Arse Masks (Strapped Arse Mask £62 or Glued Arse Mask £1.62)

  Arse masks are essential for the modern person of today who requires a fully presentable dungbox. Arse masks are made from lightweight and durable clay and can be configured to fit any rear end. They are designed to strengthen a weak arse and prevent collapse or plummeting of the bowels. They can be strapped on or glued on using industrial solvent to give complete peace of mind even when performing difficult manoeuvres like lying on your arse, falling on your arse or fighting your next door neighbour.

  Musical Arse Plugs (£18 per plug or 3 for £11)

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  Special Advance Announcement

  Exhilarating New Board Games

  By

  Golden Uterus Board Games

  In association with

  Bulbourethral Pastimes

  By our quite gullible reporter Bartholomew Quaizoid

  The brand new collection of cutting-edge and innovative board games from the Golden Uterus Company will be going on sale in selected stores tomorrow. Following their recent merger with Bulbourethral Pastimes, Golden Uterus has gone from strength to strength. Chairman Terry Paloorian, speaking at the Gubbenstery Business Convention last week commented, “The merger was a fucking spiffing idea”. He then added, “It’s fucking magic. Our games are selling like fucking hot cakes.” Board game enthusiasts have been queuing for days in the hope of getting their hands on one of the much sought after new games. Our reporter Bartholomew Quaizoid has had a sneak preview of some of the best new games and sends this report right now.

  Moth or Mouse

  A game for 1-100 players aged 26-29, this is a thrill-a-minute cracker. Each person is given clues and the answer will be either moth or mouse. Answering correctly gets you £59 from each of the other players. Giving an incorrect answer, for example saying moth when the answer is mouse, incurs a forfeit. Forfeits range from being hit in the teeth with a large spoon, to being locked inside the nearest radiator for one hour. Very exciting indeed.

  Pain in the Arse

  Players sit naked around the “Board of Pain” and throw a dice to start. Whoever throws a number between 1 and 6 goes first. Each person has a “Razor Blade of Pain” in their mouth and when it’s their turn they spit it onto the board. Wherever it lands designates what type of pain in the arse they get. For example, landing on the square with a picture of a shoe on it means all the other players kick your arse once. Landing on a picture of a rabbit means you have two large slices cut off your arse and fed to the nearest rabbit. Alternatively, you might land on the square containing a picture of a bile duct. This is one to avoid because landing on this means you have your bile duct pulled out through your rectum by the person to your left. There are 150 different squares to land on, so there is a wide variety of arse pain in store for each player. The winner is the person with the most complete arse after the 6-week game is finished. This one really is fun all the way.

  Neighbours

  This is a game for 9 or 11 players. There are 35 dice in a cup and each person takes a turn to throw them. The first person to get 35 sixes with one throw is the “Boss” and they stay in the house while the rest go to different neighbours’ houses. The object of the game is to stay in the neighbour’s house as long as possible. One point is scored for every day you can stay in the neighbour’s house. Anyone returning to the house within a month is tarred and feathered. The winner is the first person to stay in a neighbour’s house for a year. A real thriller.

  Count the Butter

  This game is for adults only and can be very risqué if it gets out of hand. The day before the game is played, one person goes around the house and smears butter at 20 different locations. The game is commenced when the person with the longest toes throws a pack of unsalted butter out of an open window. Each player then takes it in turn to search the house for the butter smears. To aid counting, each time they find a butter smear each player hammers a 3-inch nail into the back of their hand to act as a tally counter. Surprisingly, the winner is not the person with the most nails in the back of their hand. The winner is the player with the most vowels in their name. In the event of a tie, the winner is the person who can fall flat on their face the quickest. A totally hilarious way to spend an afternoon.

  Yuckybuckybimbam

  This is a real laugh-a-minute board game reminiscent of some of the classic board games of yesteryear. A simple-looking board has 10 white squares and 10 black squares. On each white square there is a pint of whisky and on each black square there is pint of “Ferocious Lemonade”, which is a mixture of pulped earthworms, 10 whole chillies, dog blood and buttermilk, all exq
uisitely blended into freshly made country-style lemonade. The game commences when the player with the lowest forehead turns over the first of the “Cards of Spume”. On the card there will be a picture of an animal and the player that resembles it most has to drink 5 white squares and 5 black squares. When the drinks are consumed, the drinker is then savagely punched in the stomach by all the other players. Whoever is still conscious after two months is the winner and they get to iron the back of the head of all the other players. A real highbrow classic.