Beyond 4/20

by Heaton, Lisa

  As he pulled into the driveway, John found that Tuck’s truck was there, but he wasn’t in it. Always he waited for Lucy to come out to him; he never went in. This time, however, John saw that without him home, Tuck obviously felt comfortable enough to go in. It annoyed him more than a little and prompted him to slam his own car door.

  Stepping through the doorway, John expected to find Tuck there in the entry, the true reason he entered through the front door rather than the back. The entryway was empty, so was the living room and kitchen. The house was quite, disturbingly quiet.

  A heavy feeling settled upon him as a sense of suspicion and anger rose in his chest. So he slowly made his way up the stairs and for a moment stood at his bedroom door, fearing what he would find when he opened the door. Already, he heard soft whispers on the other side. Swinging his bedroom door open, he found them there in his bed. John staggered and tried to catch himself before he fell. Grasping the doorframe, he opened his mouth to call out to her but nothing came. Again he tried, but his screams caught in his throat.

  Chelsea woke to the sound of John screaming. He was sitting there beside her, shaking, trying to catch his breath. Reaching for him, she rubbed his back. His shirt was soaked through with sweat.

  “What’s wrong?”

  John turned quickly and grabbed Chelsea up into his arms. “I thought I had lost you.”

  Holding her to him, he struggled still to steady his breathing. His heart beat so hard against his ribs that it physically hurt him.

  “I’m here, babe,” she assured him.

  Relieved, Chelsea stroked the back of his head. When she woke and found him breathless, she thought he was sick. For an instant, she thought maybe her worst fear was coming true, but thankfully, it was only a bad dream.

  John whispered, “I need you, Chels. Please don’t leave me.”

  Before she could respond to his statement, he was kissing her, moving her to lie down and covering her possessively with his body.

  Finally, when she found a moment to speak, she promised, “I’ll never leave you. You know that.”

  That was by no means the last dream to plague John. After the first, the dreams were never again so erotic, but they were just as disturbing. They were of Tuck, Chelsea, and Lucy as a family. He would see scenes of the three of them, laughing and spending time together. Sometimes, the scene would be a familiar one, one he had actually experienced with Chelsea and Lucy, but instead of him, Tuck was with them. John experienced them more often than not in the following weeks, and when one did wake him, he fought sleep for the remainder of the night, afraid the dream would resume when he drifted off again. It happened that way many nights.

  Over the course of those weeks, John found himself so disturbed and overwhelmed by the dreams and so totally exhausted that he could hardly think clearly anymore. He made many mistakes while at work, which was totally unlike him. He felt scattered and his mind clouded. As much as he tried to pretend everything was all right, inside, he was an absolute mess. The fact that he had fallen in love with and married a very young woman was settling in. At the time, their story seemed wildly romantic, but by this point, he was seeing himself for the fool he really was. Ultimately, he was an old man married to a girl young enough to be his daughter.

  Sitting with Chelsea’s dad outside the drive-in, sneaking a burger, John was lost in thought. His dream the night before was fresh on his mind. Chelsea was standing on Tuck’s front porch, wrapped in his arms. In that particular dream, as John looked on, he didn’t feel as angry as he usually did. All his dream-self could think was, They belong together; I should walk away.

  “What’s bothering you?”

  Bob wasn’t much of a talker and neither was John, but this night John had said so little that it was obvious something was the matter.

  “Just thinking through some stuff.”

  Bob nodded and took another large bite of his double cheeseburger. It was the best thing that had happened to him all week. Gail had gotten on a health kick with Chelsea, deciding she would begin to cook healthier for them, too. Since he and John ate chicken and fish most nights, when they could come up with a good enough excuse, like going for parts for the latest car they were rebuilding, they would wheel in to the drive-in and gulp down a burger. They didn’t have much time, and they sure didn’t have time to gab about whatever was bothering him.

  “Why do you think Chelsea stayed in L.A. rather than coming back home?”

  Bob hesitated mid-bite. “Embarrassed, I s’pose.”

  She didn’t have to be after all that time. No one talked about it much after she left for school. It would come up here and there and then die back down again. When Lucy was born, that got people started again. Then when Lindsey left there was talk, but for the most part, people kept out of it.

  John blurted out what had been on his mind for months. “They were always meant to be together.” It was intended as more of a statement than a question. Bob didn’t have a response for that. He was probably right. Sensing some tough emotions were stirring within him, he reminded John, “But they’re not.”

  “I feel as if I’ve stepped in the middle of what should be their family.”

  “Surely you don’t doubt that she loves you. Have you seen the way she looks at you?”

  Since John’s return, Bob had never seen Chelsea any happier. No matter his earliest reservations, he was glad that Chelsea married John. They were right together, no matter how ridiculous it seemed to anyone else. He had never seen two people more in love.

  “I don’t doubt it.”

  “You’re doing something stupid like doubting if you’re thinking about stuff like Chelsea with Tuck.”

  “It’s just something I can’t get off my mind.”

  John had wondered since meeting Bob how he reacted when Tuck did what he did. “When it all went down, what did you do?”

  Scratching his head, Bob set his burger down, unable to keep eating. The subject made his stomach churn. What a terrible year that was, and mostly he felt responsible for it, or at least he used to.

  “I didn’t do anything really, didn’t have to. Bobby did.”

  Bob saw Tuck a few days after Bobby got a hold of him. It was worse than he expected, but well deserved. Bobby finally confessed that he had to stop hitting Tuck because he refused to fight back or defend himself. That was the only time Bob had seen Bobby cry since he was a boy. The whole mess devastated their entire family, not just Chelsea.

  “What did Bobby do?”

  “Beat the…” Bob trailed off. Gail hated for him to use swear words, no matter how accurate a picture they painted. “He beat him up pretty bad.”

  Surprised, John said, “Humph, I figured you would do something like that before Bobby.”

  “Didn’t feel as if I had a right to go throwing stones.”

  “Throwing stones?”

  Bob’s appetite returned enough to finish the last two bites of his burger. When his mouth was clear enough to talk, he admitted, “I was dating someone at school when I started seeing Gail.” Arching his eyebrows, he admitted, “Twins came along less than nine months after we married.”

  He had always had a thing for Gail, even as far back as freshman year of high school, but their timing was never right. It seemed she always had a boyfriend or he had a girlfriend. That year when he was home over Christmas break, they saw each other at church. Things just fell into place and they spent his entire break together. It wasn’t until he was back at school that he learned she was pregnant. In their case there wasn’t as much embarrassment in town since they quickly married and she moved to be with him while he finished school. By the time they returned to town, the twins were nearly two, so most people thought little of it. Or if they did, no one mentioned it.

  The worst part for him was when he returned to campus and had to break up with his girlfriend. Even before di
scovering she was pregnant, Bob knew he wanted to be with Gail. She felt the same. From that very first moment together, he was head over heels for her, still was. Before that, though, he and Melody had been serious enough to have already been sleeping together. As far as Melody was concerned, they would be married someday. She was truly in love with him. Recalling how she took it when he broke things off, Bob still felt a tremendous sense of guilt. He was a different man back then, certainly not one to care what God thought of such things, but he at least had heart enough to feel for her. It really broke her heart. Once Gail moved there to be with him, Melody left school altogether.

  As if it were the very day, Bob could see Chelsea’s face when she told him that Tuck had gotten another girl pregnant. When she said it, Bob felt certain he was to blame, as if it were his payment for Melody. From Christmas until Chelsea’s graduation, he watched her suffer quietly. She became so withdrawn and reclusive that he began to wonder if maybe she needed professional help. Eventually, though, she made it through the year and headed off to school in L.A. Packing that little Honda and watching her drive away was the worst moment of his life, hands down. More so than when she first told him about Tuck, he felt it was the price he had to pay for his own sins. Over the course of years, he finally came to peace with it. God lightened his load more and more with each passing year until finally, he realized it wasn’t his price alone. Instead, it was the price they all had to pay for Tuck’s mistake.

  John didn’t ask anything more, as he could see that Bob was light-years away. His expression became sad and reflective, unusual for Bob. In the months since he had lived in town, he had found a surprising friendship with Bob and valued it greatly. Over the course of months, they had been working on a car together. It was an outlet for them both. Especially over the past weeks, John looked forward to the time in Bob’s garage. Chelsea would visit with her mom and he and Bob would work for hours, usually quiet hours, while they both focused on different things, Bob on the car and John on Tuck and Chelsea. Beyond the horrific dreams, even while awake, John could see how much they belonged together.

  Wrapping the remainder of his burger in the white paper, he passed it to Bob. He was hardly sleeping and rarely hungry. Most times, he felt irritable and edgy and was pretty certain Chelsea was becoming concerned about it. It was something he didn’t dare bring up though. If he had one fear, it was that she might confirm what he suspected. Every time he watched her with Lucy, he could see how much they belonged together, that Chelsea was as much Lucy’s mom as Gail was hers. More than anything, it broke his heart for them both. Since Lucy’s grandmother passed, they seemed to long for each other only more. On more than a few occasions, John considered the fact that if he would simply step aside, they could all be together as a family, Tuck, Lucy, and his Chelsea. As noble as such a thing sounded, he knew he had neither the ability nor intention of doing it. He would sooner die than to walk away from his wife. As a matter of fact, if it came down to it, he would fight with everything he had to keep her.

  Never being one to pry, Bob ate John’s burger but couldn’t help but wonder where this all was coming from. He had been acting differently for some time, and Bob always sensed it had to do with Tuck and Lucy. As much as John seemed fond of Lucy, Bob always wondered if he really resented her deep down. That was a lot to take in, having another man’s child there with you every day, especially a man who had once been so close to your wife.

  Stuffed with much more than he should have eaten, and feeling nearly sick, Bob sat for a moment, studying John’s changing expression. One minute he would look heartbroken, the next angry. Eventually, Bob suggested, “Maybe y’all should cut ties.”

  Snapping his head around, John asked, “You think so?”

  “Maybe. I know Lucy is a good kid, but maybe that is what’s troubling you.”

  Relaxing a bit, having thought Bob meant he and Chelsea should cut ties, he shook his head. “No way. We love that little girl. Life wouldn’t be the same without her.”

  John cringed at the thought of what would become of Chelsea if she was forced to let go of Lucy and was determined he would never be the one responsible for it.

  Seeing the sincerity in John’s expression, he smiled and nodded. Chuckling, he asked, “Did you think I meant you and Chelsea?”

  John grinned. “Yeah.”

  Putting the truck in reverse, Bob promised, “You cut ties with that girl and I can promise I’ll hurt you. Bobby won’t have to.”

  “If I cut ties with that girl, it’ll only be because I have no choice. I can promise you that.”

  Bob knew what he meant and already the thought made him sad for Chelsea. In a way, he hoped he wouldn’t be around to see it.

  Chelsea sat with Gail while she sewed. They were making curtains for Lucy’s room at Tuck’s house. She wanted the same as were in her room at Chelsea and John’s. John and Bob had made a run for auto parts and secret burgers. Both she and her mom had known all along what they were up to. When they came back each time reeking of grease and onions, it was pretty obvious, but Chelsea decided not to mention it since they didn’t do it so often.

  “What’s wrong with you today?” Gail had noticed a difference in Chelsea the moment she walked in the door.

  “I don’t think he’s happy.” She sighed heavily. “I’m not sure what to do.”

  Gail rolled her eyes at Chelsea. “I don’t know who he is, because I know you’re not talking about John Keller.”

  On occasion, Gail felt a little jealous of the relationship Chelsea had with John. Bob loved her, that she never doubted, but it was different from what her daughter had. Maybe because of the fight it took to be together, they were more appreciative. Or maybe it was that sense that they were on borrowed time, as Chelsea often described it, that caused them to love more deeply. Whatever it was, Gail wished she and Bob could experience even a fraction of their all-consuming love.

  “He’s been different. What if he regrets being with me.”

  Gail turned from her sewing. “Sweetie,” she reached for Chelsea’s hands, “whatever he’s going through, it’s not regret. I’ve never seen a man love a woman more. Talk to him. Ask him what’s going on. You’ve only been married six months. You have to be open and communicate. Trust me, start that now. Don’t just sit and stew.”

  “I can’t live without him.”

  Squinting, tilting her head, Gail asked, “What makes you say that? He’s not going anywhere. Chelsea, don’t go looking for problems where there are none.”

  “Oh, there’s something. I feel it.”

  Chelsea was hoping her mother would ask her father. As much time as they were spending together lately, maybe John had mentioned something to her father.

  “You want me to ask your dad, don’t you?”

  Nodding, Chelsea said, “I’ve got to know if there’s something I can do.”

  The day after his talk with Bob, John felt no better really. If anything, he felt worse. Another night with little sleep only added to the problem. The night before he woke abruptly, drenched with sweat but unable to recall the dream. Still, just knowing it was about Tuck and Chelsea caused John to force himself to lie awake. He didn’t want to know what the dream was. Instead, he watched Chelsea while she slept, once reaching for her and stroking her face and neck. In her sleep, she responded by smiling softly and whispering, “I love you.” John moved nearer and kissed her lightly on her cheek as she snuggled in closer.

  As many weeks as it had been going on, the dreams and sense of his not belonging, he never doubted Chelsea’s love for him. He never would. She was so good to him and took such great care of him, he often forgot he was the older one in the relationship. She mothered him and sometimes smothered him, watching what he ate, which often drove him crazy. But she loved him. Always he knew her motive. On more than one occasion she admitted she did so to make sure he stayed around as long as possible. Behi
nd her casual comments, he saw fear in her eyes. Time was against them, and she was fighting it every step of the way. How could he ever doubt that she wanted to be with him when she fought so hard to keep him?

  The afternoon before while he was working in his office, she had peeked her head in for the third time, saying, “You really need to eat something.”

  He wasn’t hungry and hadn’t been all morning, something becoming all too common. By the third time, he responded rather abruptly, telling her he knew how to get to the kitchen when he was hungry.

  Very sweetly, she said, “I know, babe. I’ll just put your lunch in the fridge.” She closed the door quietly behind her.

  When he went to find her and apologize, he had found her on the backyard swing, looking a little sad. As many times as he apologized, she just as often said there was no need and apologized for smothering him, but there was need. He would never hurt her intentionally.

  After lying there watching her sleep as long as he could, John got up and made his way downstairs. He sat at the kitchen table alone and began to pray. He had prayed more over the past weeks than in his entire new relationship with God combined. If he thought it was just a matter of jealousy, John was pretty sure God could take that away. Instead, it seemed to be something more, something deeper. The scary part was, it didn’t seem to be something of his own making. The stirring seemed to begin with God. He sensed that God was asking for something, asking for a deeper level of surrender than he knew how to commit to. Wholly surrendered was how he was trying to live his new life, but this felt like something beyond that even, beyond him.

  His head was bowed. Clearly he was praying. Chelsea stood in the doorway and watched him. What happened earlier in the afternoon was still fresh on her mind. It wasn’t at all that he snapped at her a little; her true regret was how much she nagged him. Nagging had become her most common tone of voice, and she despised it. Constantly she worried about him. Why wasn’t he eating well or sleeping well? What more could she do to keep him healthy? Was he happy with her? The questions came constantly, and it seemed the more she pestered him, the more distant he became. After he found her on the swing and begged her to forgive him, she committed to herself that she would stop harassing him. How much did she expect him to put up with before he snapped? He was the kindest, most patient man imaginable. He had given up his entire way of life for her and all she did was drip, drip, drip. There was a verse in Proverbs about the dripping of a nagging wife. What if that wife was only dripping because she loved her husband too much to let him go?