Beyond 4/20

by Heaton, Lisa

  Irene, the woman who had shown him into John’s office in L.A., was there and seemed to be directing everything. She stood with Chelsea and introduced her to whoever approached next. From the time since he had arrived, she never left Chelsea’s side. Irene seemed to remember him immediately and was surprisingly friendly toward him, even calling him by name.

  Bobby said she was now working for Chelsea. It was how John set things up. She had arrived hours after his death and would remain for an indefinite period of time. Tuck watched her with amazement as she so smoothly coordinated every moment of Chelsea’s time. When it was time to eat something, Irene simply interrupted the line of those there to pay their respects, saying that Chelsea would be back soon. Before anyone could say much of anything, she had swept Chelsea off to a private area to eat the food she had catered in. Of course Irene arranged that before learning that the church always provided food. It wasn’t until later when Tuck went with Lucy and Sara Beth into the family break room that he realized there was a mountain of food back there, more than an army could eat. Once Gail arrived, she seemed a bit stumped over what to do and how to help since Irene seemed to have everything planned down to the exact moment.

  Mark and Karen, close friends of John’s, were there from the beginning. When Mark approached him, Tuck was more than a little surprised. He introduced himself and said he had heard all about him. Still, more than an hour later Tuck mulled over the things Mark said. It was as if John had told him of their conversation about taking care of Chelsea. He never mentioned that outright, but Mark kept referring to Chelsea’s future and how he was prepared to help in any way he could.

  What most specifically caused Tuck to wonder was when he said he would get with Tuck later on down the road to hammer out the details. All Tuck could figure was that he was talking about a prenup. At that thought, Tuck felt sick. The last thing he wanted was to work out some financial agreement about Chelsea’s money. He didn’t want a penny of it. By Bobby’s estimate, she was worth nearly five hundred million dollars including her interest in KI. Tuck wasn’t sure exactly where Bobby got that number, but he seemed to be pretty certain of it. Five hundred million dollars and she lived in an old house on the main drag of town.

  He had figured it was a lot, but he had no idea it was that much. With that kind of money, Tuck was surprised that John didn’t have some kind of security or build a wall around the house to make some impenetrable compound. Tuck grinned to himself when the memory of scaling the wall to Chelsea’s condo complex came to mind. Lot of good that did. Still, was she safe? Was Sara Beth? For that matter, was Lucy? With that kind of money, people would do some awfully wicked things to get their hands on it, including hurting a child. It made him think of a verse from Proverbs, something about a rich man ransoming his life with his wealth, but a poor man receives no threat. Maybe there was a threat. Considering matters such as that would likely be a part of his future going forward. Again, he felt sick.

  After several hours more of greeting people, finally Chelsea sat with Lucy on a small sofa in a corner of the main viewing room. To see them together, sitting quietly, Tuck was reminded of how good a friend Lucy was to Chelsea when she first came home after she and John split up. Too, he was reminded how he could have learned from Lucy back then and been a much better friend. Because of that, he was determined to follow his daughter’s lead this time. It wasn’t about his feelings for Chelsea or the fact that he was secretly waiting again; it was about being a good friend to Chelsea and supporting Lucy in her grief as well.

  He went over to where they were and simply sat. Without a word, they all three sat. When he did, he noticed Irene glance their way, as if she were watching over Chelsea. At one point Irene looked at him and half smiled, causing him to wonder if she knew too. The whole thing was a bit creepy, others knowing John intended for him to move in on a dead man’s wife. On more than one occasion he had wondered if maybe Bob knew since he and John had become such close friends. He presumed he did since he was the one to drive John out to his place. Since that day, Bob had acted differently toward him, and Tuck was pretty sure it wasn’t just his imagination. Over the past years, Bob had always been polite to him, but the past few times he had seen him, he was downright friendly.

  While sitting there with Chelsea and Lucy, Tuck was struck by how natural it was to be with them. For the first time in a very long time, all felt right with the world again. Even though there would be a long road ahead for them all, they belonged together. He didn’t question that. He was patient and would wait as long as it took.

  Chelsea was kneeling in the floor of John’s closet praying. She did so often. When she could find a moment alone with no little girls demanding her attention, she would sneak away and sit in John’s closet. It smelled like him still, so when she was in there she could close her eyes and pretend he was still with her. Replaying scenes from their times together, she could often hear the sound of his voice as if he were sitting beside her. While it would probably cause others to consider her crazy, for whatever reason, it brought her comfort.

  For the most part, she was doing well. It had been nearly three months since he had died. Life had an odd way of going on. After his funeral, life just began again. She had a toddler who lived daily life and made demands of her mother’s time. That seemed to begin the external clock of life ticking once again. During those final months, time had come to a standstill, a constant state of waiting for the end. Though she would never tell a living soul such a thing, the truth was, the end brought with it a small sense of relief. Not as if she wanted him to go – she didn’t and would have given anything for him to have lived – but his death did stop the waiting. The waiting was excruciating, ever hovering overhead.

  Sara Beth’s birthday came soon after John’s death. It was one of the saddest days Chelsea had ever known. Oblivious to what had happened, Sara B. seemed to have a wonderful time. All the family was there; Tuck was there. Louis and Claude had flown in for the funeral and stayed to wait for her second birthday.

  After her daddy’s death, Sara Beth had often asked for him, but as the weeks passed, she asked less and less. Lucy talked of John often. It was with Lucy that Chelsea could reminisce most about him. They shared such a deep love for him that most no one else could relate to. When she had been in town, Louise was the only other one who could join in conversations about him. Of all people, she could relate, but Chelsea noticed, Louise didn’t often wallow in the past, as she called it. Rather, she continually reminded Chelsea of the present and future. Louise was a healthy voice in Chelsea’s life, which allowed Chelsea to be a healthy voice in Lucy’s. Instead of dwelling on the sadness, Louise often redirected the conversations to what John would want for them in the future. He would want Chelsea to be strong. Chelsea was doing exactly what she promised, taking care of his girls.

  Later that afternoon Chelsea’s mom stopped by on the way home from work. When she left, she had Sara Beth on one hip and Lucy following behind. Chelsea was relieved to have an afternoon alone. It was rare. Once they were gone, she made her way out to the garage and up to John’s office, but at the door, she hesitated for some time, a little afraid of opening it. She had not been in there since Irene left about a month after John died.

  While she was in town, Irene had stayed at a B&B in town even though Chelsea invited her to stay with them. She came over most mornings and spent time with Chelsea. Mostly, they covered business matters. The few times John tried to do that, Chelsea refused, not wanting to face a future without him. Coming from him, it was heartbreaking. Once he was gone, working alongside Irene, it felt much more sterile, much less personal.

  During John’s last months, he wrote out meticulous records of everything they owned, what he had recently sold, and the state of their finances. He had convinced Irene to continue working, to watch over everything that was pertinent to Chelsea’s and the girls’ assets and holdings at KI. It was his hope that someday eithe
r Lucy or Sara Beth would take some interest in the company, so he divided his holdings between the two girls with Mark and Irene acting on their behalf until they were twenty-one. Money from the proceeds of the sale of John’s remaining houses, including the beach house and New York apartment, were deposited in Chelsea’s account. He also placed a large amount in the Keller Foundation so that Chelsea could continue with her charity work when she was up to it. All else, he placed in a trust, naming Irene as trustee. By that point of the discussion on assets and trusts, Chelsea had so totally zoned out and honestly didn’t care that she had to ask Irene to just handle things and only let her know if something arose where she was needed. It was more than she could handle, more than she wanted to handle. She only wanted to be a wife and a mom, and since she was no longer a wife, she would focus instead on the girls as John would have wanted and trust Irene and Mark to make the right decisions.

  While Irene was there, she agreed to take on the temporary management of the Keller Foundation. Chelsea felt much too overwhelmed to jump back in just yet. Someday she hoped to, but until she was ready, Irene was happy to be involved and would begin to look for someone who could take a more permanent role.

  Thinking back to Irene’s time with her, Chelsea found that she had come to consider her a friend. John had once told her that was what he felt. He trusted her with absolutely anything and everything, obviously, even with his family and their well-being.

  Chelsea was sitting in John’s desk chair, staring blankly at nothing as she had pondered over all the matters that had recently been addressed. After several moments of this, she turned to face John’s art wall and found she could do nothing by cry at the sight of it. He was so good with Lucy, even in the early days before he had a chance to love her. Without question, he was an exceptional man, and she missed him every single second of every single day. All she had left to hold on to were the kids and her memories of him. That had become her mission over the past weeks, to hold on to her memories of him. She replayed scenes in her head. Even when others were around, that was her coping mechanism. Everyone thought she was so strong as she walked out her grief, when all along, she was living out her life as if he were right beside her. Always a memory was playing out in her head.

  Standing, she moved to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. It was the same chair she had sat in that very first day they met. What a nerve-racking day that was. She was fidgety and anxious, and rightly so.

  Chelsea drew her knees up to her chest and closed her eyes, thinking back to when they were in L.A. together soon after they married. That day was one of her sweetest memories of John.

  “I want you to sit right there.”

  The way he was looking at her, she could hardly tell if he was happy or sad.

  “Why?” she asked as she sat.

  He knelt before her and rested his head on her lap for a moment. Understanding what he was feeling, Chelsea ran her fingers through his thick hair.

  “It was here.” As soon as she spoke, she regretted it as she realized that he was praying.

  John nodded and lifted his head. “This is the very spot where I first laid eyes on you. I want these chairs back home in my office.”

  Sighing, he looked at her for a long moment then finally asked, “Dear Lord, Chels, how could I have ever seen any of this coming?”

  “Neither of us did.”

  She traced her fingers along his jawline and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “I thought you were the most handsome man I had ever seen.”

  “And I thought you were simply stunning, much more so than I expected.”

  He took her hands in his, saying, “You were nervous and fidgeting with your fingers.” Looking into her eyes, he confessed, “I think at that very moment you unlocked a door in my heart that had been closed for much of my life. I felt this wave of compassion wash over me that was totally unlike me. As early as that first encounter, I think something happened to begin changing me. God sent you to get me.” At those words, he choked up. “Nothing has been the same since that day.”

  Thinking back to those earliest moments together, she considered how close she came to leaving. What if she had walked away? Where would she be now? “Part of the time I wanted to bolt for the door.”

  Chuckling, he reminded her, “You almost did.” Reaching for her, he slid both hands behind her neck and pulled her face closer to his. “You were afraid I would try to take advantage of you.”

  When his eyes had narrowed and held a little twinkle, she knew exactly what he was thinking. “Like you want to do right now?”

  “Yeah, just like that.” Moving in, he kissed her softly.

  When Irene entered the room they both jumped as if they had been caught doing something naughty. Chelsea giggled in embarrassment. Irene apologized and quickly left the office.

  He grinned. “I like home much better. More privacy.”

  “Me too.”

  She slid her arms around John’s neck and held him tightly as she said, “Thank you for coming for me. Thank you for letting me in that door.”

  When John lifted her from her chair and onto his lap, she knew he would make love to her right there. Often, frustrated by his inability to truly convey the extent of his love for her, he had once said that when they made love it was as close as he could come to expressing his love for her. For him that day, there was something symbolic about loving her there in that place where she had first entered his life. It was beautiful and pure, and often he prayed aloud in gratitude for her. Never before that day had he prayed in such intimate moments, but often afterwards he did.

  No matter what they might look like to anyone on the outside looking in, their love defied explanation and the ability to express even. She felt the same. Words failed her every time. What they shared was beyond what most people knew; it was beyond what she believed to be possible between a man and a woman. He was her only one. That was what she whispered to him as they made love that day. “You are my only one.”

  Chelsea remained in John’s office for a long time, too long really. Though it was getting late and she needed to head out to her parents to pick up Sara Beth, she found herself unable to walk away from the flood of memories captured in that room. As she gripped the arms of the chair and tried to hold onto the memories of making love to him, she wept until her insides hurt. She ached so deeply and desperately that she often wished she could die too. It was only the thought of her little girls that gave her the will to live. But how do you go on when your only one is gone?

  Chelsea spent much time trying to figure that one out. Outwardly, she was moving on about the business of life, but inwardly, time had come to a standstill, as if John were the dividing line of life and death for her. As unhealthy and off balance as she knew that to be, it was the plain truth. Daily she was honest before God in prayer. She openly confessed how much her loss was affecting her and how she had come to clearly see that her love for John had far exceeded her love for Him. Of course God wasn’t surprised by her admission. Never once did she feel condemned by it, and she knew that her deep anguish could only be alleviated by refocusing on her First Love. Willing but unable – that was how she often felt. “Lord, I’m sincerely willing. Please show me how to love him less and You more. Without You, I don’t think I’ll live again.”

  Chapter 10

  With the holidays quickly approaching, Chelsea found she didn’t dread them as much as she would have expected. Because she had suffered such debilitating sadness when they were apart that first year, Chelsea feared the upcoming holidays without John would feel the same, that they might take her to that place of isolation and depression. Once they arrived, though, she found she was able to dwell on their happiest times together, something rather surprising. The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays they did share together were constantly in the forefront of her mind. The memories of them brought her comfort and unexpected joy.
r />   Tuck spent Thanksgiving with her family as he had done the past years and then the first hours of Christmas morning with Chelsea and the girls. He seemed hesitant to come, and Chelsea respected how considerate he was being of her first Christmas without John. She was certain he didn’t want to appear to be overstepping his bounds, but of all people, Tuck had a place with her at every holiday. As unusual as their situation was, he was, after all, her daughter’s father.

  Since John’s death, Tuck had done a few odd jobs around the house, but he didn’t make himself overly present. Chelsea had a sense he didn’t want her to get the wrong idea, as if he were in any way trying to force himself back into her life. She didn’t think that. A few times Lucy invited him to join them for dinner, but each time he refused. If he had stayed, Chelsea wouldn’t have minded. It was nice to have another adult around, but he never accepted an invitation.

  In the early weeks, until she accepted a job at the church office, Gail came often and spent the day with them. Once her mother was much less present, Chelsea missed adult company. She was alone most days with Sara Beth while Lucy was at school, but for the most part, it was only the kids with her. Many evenings, they went for dinner at her parents. With her mother working, Chelsea would go early and prepare dinner there. Both her mother and her father were happy to have her and the kids around at night. All in all, they settled into a pretty comfortable routine. Her new normal was life alone with two children. Fortunately, she wasn’t forced to work outside the home as many single moms had to do, which was something for which she was daily grateful. As difficult as it was to raise children alone, she could hardly imagine how any woman could do it while working full time, prompting her to investigate ways to help such mothers through the Keller Foundation. Already, Irene was working toward that end.